My Blogiversary that is. May 28th. Five years. A lot of words. Our sweet Hermione has been gone a year. Its been 2 years and four months since the fire. Its almost time for Rabbit, Rabbit again.
Time, it keeps moving.
My counselor asked what I wanted to get out of our time together.
That seems like such a simple question but is very difficult to answer.
Perhaps the answers are found in the simple routines of my life, which have become not so simple. Humans are creatures of habit and police officers are taught NOT to be creatures of habit. They are taught not to patrol the same place at the same time everyday. They are taught to go against the grain of forming habits yet to observe the habits of others.
I never leave home at the same time everyday. This is helped by the fact I don’t work the same time everyday, like many people do. I drop Nate off at school a different time everyday. I don’t leave work at the same time everyday. I don’t park in the same spot everyday. I don’t take the same route to work everyday, but I do take the same route home, but sometimes I pick up Nate from school and sometimes I don’t.
I am ever mindful of who is following me in traffic. I am ever mindful of driving in the city that Jeff lives in. I am vigilant for his vehicle when I drive, when I drop Nate at school, and when I pick him up. I wonder if maybe he’s driving something different. I watch for his vehicle through the windows of the restaurant and through the windows of my own home.
I never go to sleep at the same time every night. Sometimes I sit in the dark and most of the time I sleep without feeling as though I’ve slept. My co-workers complain that I never smile anymore. This is compounded by the fact they know Jace and I aren’t seeing each other anymore.
They may have never known had it not been for Irritating Gay Guy who asked what I was doing after work and I responded that I needed to cut grass and take the garbage out. He responded that I could just have Jace do it and I should put him to work, blah, blah, blah, and why didn’t I just have Jace do it? And he wouldn’t shut up about it! I finally said that I didn’t think that would be happening and he just needed to shut his trap about it.
Of course, he’s an idiot and irritating and just kept on until finally Candyman’s Brother, who was working the tank at the time said, “What she means is its none of your damn business and to shut the fuck up.” This finally shut Irritating Gay Guy up.
The break up with Jace is just a small part of what’s bothering me. It does bother me though. I like endings and I like answers. By his own admission, he just disappeared. As I told T-Bird, what bothers me most, is that it appears I didn’t even mean enough to him for him to properly break up with me and what really pisses me off about that is how he just couldn’t wait for me to fall for him. Blah, blah, blah. Whatever.
It fucking bothers me that when he sees me at the restaurant, which is rare, he doesn’t even acknowledge me. Like I did something horrible to him, which I didn’t. I know, I know, he did me a favor. Well, next time, do me a favor and then act like a mature adult about it because right now, all I can think is, “You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille.”
Like I need one more thing on my mind. Bothering me.
I just want to not be so hyper-vigilant. I want to do what is right and best for Nate. I want to be safe and secure and happy. I just want to be happy.
I’ve toned up quite a bit in the past six months. I can’t say I’ve lost weight, okay, maybe two or three pounds since then, but actually its probably a net gain since I’ve packed on a lot of muscle. While I’ve dropped 2, if not 3, pant sizes, my shirts remain the same. I feel crazy even saying that I think while the rest of me shrinks, my breasts are still growing.
Yep, the mammaries have resisted. The reason I think they’ve grown is because some of my shirts don’t fit like they used to. They’re smaller. Since I haven’t washed them recently, and its more than one, the only thing I can figure is that all of the “weight lifting” I do has also increased the pectoral muscle underneath my boobies, thus making my breasts “bigger.”
Not really. My breasts are the same size. Period. Even if my weight fluctuates by 30 pounds, I still have them. I may drop 1/2 cup size or even go up 1/2 a cup, but they pretty much are undaunted by my weight fluctuations.
Simply, I was genetically predisposed to have these boobies. Since I’ve been working out more my pectorals have seemingly “increased” my breast size. Not so. The pectorals are merely pushing my boobies further out. No, they don’t appear to be any perkier. Well, maybe a little. Nothing really helps saggy skin though.
And that is the saga of me and my boobies today.
Chico is a little eliminator. He’s eliminated the need for me to clean up cat barf. In that regard, I should have named him Hoover. He’s also eliminated the need for me to seek and destroy hairballs. He is a hairball lover and had I known my cats’ regurgitated food/hair snakes would supply him with hours of chewing enjoyment I may well have saved a shit-ton of money buying him real toys.
He also chews on my old toothbrush, thus saving me the need to brush his teeth for him. It also precipitated the need for me to buy a new toothbrush as the toothbrush wasn’t really old, it just happened that after I had finished brushing my teeth one morning, and before putting said toothbrush back in the cabinet, one of the cats jumped up on the counter, and knocked the toothbrush to the floor where the little big-eared crumbcatcher was waiting.
Nate likes for me to bring Chico to school to pick him up. He rushes up, throws his 30 lb. bookbag at me, grabs the dog and says, “Ohhhhh, come on my little chick magnet.” He learned this behavior from his father.
We have decided that Chico’s ears are an indicator of : How rotten he is being (both ears totally erect), sad (both ears down), stable (one ear up/one ear down), and the weather: hot (both ears up), cold (both ears down), comfortable (one up/one down). Right now he is laying on a pile of laundry, chewing on his toothbrush, with both ears up. It is very comfortable in the house right now so this proves the little shit knows that was my toothbrush and he shouldn’t be chewing on it.
Tango was just trying to be sociable and Macy layed her ears back and growled at him. He thought he would try playing with Chico, but Chico is chewing on his toothbrush, which precipitated another round of growls from the laundry pile. Tango wandered off into the living room, which I find hilarious considering he is twice the size of Chico.
Perhaps this is because I have witnessed Chico racing after Tango with tufts of black cat hair in his mouth. The only cat Chico has a healthy fear of is Macy, because Macy will kick his ass. Chico will race up to the other cats and grab a hold of the skin at their neck and start tugging. Not Macy. He only has the nerve to nip at her ass and then skirts away with his tail between his legs when she turns and glares at him with the, “Oh no you didn’t,” look. If she could swivel her head, she would.
Nate likes to irritate Chico while he’s trying to nap. Chico, being a puppy, will play full force and then suddenly, “Um, I need a nap, so I gotta find a lap. *Snore*” Like, right now. Literally, he was chewing on his toothbrush, then came over, barked, I picked him up, he layed down, and *snore*. Now, if I go to pick him up, he’ll growl at me. Not a menacing I’m-going-to-eat-you-alive growl, but a quit-fucking-with-me-can’t-you-see-I’m-trying-to-sleep growl.
Nate has learned he doesn’t even have to pick him up or try to pick him up, all he has to do is touch him. So, he does. *Touch* *growl* *giggle* *touch* *growl* *giggle* *touch* *growl* *giggle* *touchgrowlgiggle* *touchgrowlgiggle*
NATE! STOP MESSING WITH THE DOG!!
Awwww! Its fun!
You’ll make him mean! Leave him alone!
*touch* *growl* *giggle*
I’ve taken to calling Chico – Chico Mocoso. “Mocoso” supposedly being the Spanish word for “brat.” It probably means “twat” or “douchebag” so I don’t say it out loud in front of my Mexican neighbors.
One would think I’d have the sense to use German words, since I do speak fluent German and he is half German, it would make more sense to call him a Schlingle, which I know means “brat” in German. At least, that’s what my host father told me. Then again, its colloquial and could also mean “douchebag.” Although I don’t see my host mother putting up with my host father calling me a douchebag for 20 years.
And let’s face it, Chico looks Mexican. Although he has several personality traits of the dachsund, namely his digging, burrowing, and attacking anything resembling a badger (the cats), in his features he definitely takes after the chihuahua side of the family. I mean, if he had taken after the dachsund side of the family I would have named him Hans and I would feel comfortable speaking German to him. I do call him Momma’s Bubba’s Little Badger Dog, and that will have to suffice.
In other news, I saw Lex yesterday. He texted me when I got off from work and I visited with him on the patio at Booksamillion before picking Nate up from his field trip. He looks good, good enough to eat. I’ll get to that. I got some good hugs and stole a sweet kiss. He’s preparing for the LSAT, so I sat down and took part of the test, which I got 100% on. Maybe I’ll study for and take the LSAT, just to see how I do. Anyway, Lex is trying to finish up his Masters in History while studying for the LSAT, working, and chasing me around.
I think, its going to be a great summer.
We all had a great time at King’s Island. We rode Firehawk at night, which is the one that you lay down on and it flips you upside down and around and you feel like you’re flying. It was AWESOME!
Cam said he liked Vortex the best, and Nate liked Diamondback. Rosie cracked me up all day long, Collective Soul sounded great, the lines weren’t too long, we got soaked on White Water Canyon, and a nice sunburn. I thought I had dislocated my shoulder on Son of Beast but it stayed in place. I slept most of the day, including during a huge thunderstorm. I had a small lake in my hallway from the damaged shingle on my roof, but otherwise, it was a great weekend.
I did text with Lex in between all of that. He’s not doing so well today. I know him well enough that I expect this to continue for a while. Even though we’re only supposed to be “friends with benefits,” I wonder if he’s even ready for that. Hell, its a great thought, don’t get me wrong.
But, even great thoughts are not ideal thoughts. Lex is a lot like me. Even though the desire to have sex is there, its a desire to have sex with one particular person, not just anyone. Not saying that I’m “just anyone,” just admitting that I’m not “that particular person.” I fall somewhere in the middle. Actually, so does he.
I know that ache. Its the worst sort of paradox that the one who you normally go to for comfort is the one causing the pain and you have no where to turn. He didn’t know how right he was when he said that I would understand what he was going through.
He meant that by what we had gone through with AZ long ago with a crazy chick (chronicled in The Fourteen Years War posts), but as he doesn’t know, but all of you do, I understand more of where he is just from what happened with AZ. Something he doesn’t know and doesn’t need to know.
Hell, I don’t even want to know.
Maybe if Lex figures it out he’ll let me know.
Five years ago I was dating Lex and didn’t have any idea what a blog was until he sent me a link to one. Directly following that link, I started Anything Goes.
Now, five years later, I still have Anything Goes and Lex is still around as well.
Lex text-messaged me right as things were going really south with Jace. His love life had gone south as well and said he knew I would understand, better than anyone, that sense of betrayal. No shit, Sherlock.
So, we talked. We texted. We really suck at relationships but damn, we had some great sex. So, we’re going to have more of it. I have a lot of great memories of Lex and being where I am right now emotionally, I really understand where he was emotionally five years ago.
More later. I have an eye infection and I’m very sensitive. Take care.
Object… My fridge.
And you thought I was going to say my blog. No where near it folks, no where near it! I chucked 99% of the crap out of my fridge and started over again. Nate left the milk out overnight a week ago when making his favorite late night snack of cereal. He left the jelly out a few nights later after making his other favorite late night snack… peanut butter and jelly.
Other than some pinto beans and cornbread, the rest was pretty old. Plus, given that I have a ginormous oppossum living in the dense jungle of railroad brush in front of my house, I only put out food garbage the night before trash runs in the lock-top trash contrainers, in the hopes that Ginormo and I don’t have an early morning run-in over stray food left on my porch. He may be so ugly he’s cute, but that still means he’s ugly.
Chico reminded me it was time for his second worming by puking food and worms all over my leg on the way home from taking Nate to school the other day. Okay, maybe I waited a bit too long on the second worming. I almost puked myself as he REINGESTED said food and worms. BLECH! BLECH! BLECH!
Needless to say, Chico met our vet the same day. He weighs… 2 lbs. 10 oz. and he was such a good puppy about getting his shots. He’s a little spoiled.
I’m thinking of taking Nate and going to King’s Island this weekend. I’m due a really good paycheck.
I’m also thinking of taking voice lessons this summer from a lady who used to hostess for us. She is our former bartender’s girlfriend and they stopped by the restaurant the other night and I mentioned singing to her and she said she was giving lessons. I’ve always wanted to and I need something for me.
I also went to my first counseling session on Tuesday. I’ll be taking Nate to his first on Thursday.
I started cutting the grass on Sunday, I finally finished it today. Now the part that I cut Sunday needs cut again.
I haven’t been reading any blogs. I hope you’re all okay. We’re doing fine.
That’s what I stared at for a good part of my day. Hot, young studs in yellow shirts and black shorts sticking their crotches in my face THE ENTIRE DAY. This is what happens when you are up against the barricade and the hot, young studs that are running security have to stand up in front of you and haul crowd surfers out overtop of you.
Were it not for the fact I couldn’t see the concerts at all and that there should DEFINITELY be a weight limit for crowd surfing (OUCH, OKAY!), I would have been content with hot crotch in my face all day. I think the worst of the crowd surfing was during Flyleaf. I don’t think I saw more than 2 minutes of their set. And, not that I mean to discriminate, but dude, if you’re in a wheelchair, you AND your wheelchair should NOT BE CROWD SURFING!!! OUCH!
I saw a lot of drunk people, I saw one lady who was unconscious and bleeding (I don’t think the Korn moshpit agreed with her), and I saw several people carted off semi-conscious by the Ranger Security. Moshpits are only for the very young and agile, or the very drunk and ginormous. If you are anything other than young and agile or very drunk and ginormous, chances are you will end up unconscious and bleeding.
Luckily, the crowd was a bit more sedate for Alice and I got a couple of pictures of Jerry and William. Mmmmmm… Jerry and William. Jerry had sound problems with one of his guitars and actually finished the first song, Sludge Factory, sans guitar. It seemed like they were onstage for five minutes but managed to squeeze in Man in the Box from “Facelift,” Them Bones, Dam That River, Junkhead, Rooster, Angry Chair, and Would from “Dirt,” and Sludge Factory and Again from their eponymous CD.
I should have eaten a bit more before I went, but all I had was a package of powered donuts and a 16 oz. cup of coffee. I got there at 12:30, used the bathroom, went and got a spot at the barricade and didn’t move until 9:15. I then grabbed a bratwurst, got a t-shirt, and got the hell out of there. I like Slipknot, but not enough to get more bruises and have to fight the other 22,000 people there getting out of the parking lot. I stopped at the first rest area to use the bathroom. No way in hell I was braving the ladies bathroom after a day of drinking, debauchery, and carnival food. YIKES!
Black Stone Cherry was a little disappointing. Their sound had to be the worst of the day. Actually, I didn’t think Alice’s sound was that great. Jerry’s guitar was turned up too loud and William’s mike was too soft, which really sucks because William has an amazing voice and it was a strain to hear it sometimes. Plus, BSC only got to play six songs. Lonely Train, Rain Wizard, and Maybe Someday from the first CD and Blind Man, Soul Creek, and Please Come In from the second.
All in all, it was worth the trip, especially to see Alice. Having Jerry in my sights for 45 minutes, yep, that made it totally worth it.
Today has been one of the most angst filled days of my life. If have trouble finishing my food, you know, something is wrong. I got a voice mail on Monday or Tuesday wanting to know about his visitation with Nate. I didn’t answer. I went over and over in my mind what I was going to say, and somewhere along those lines, my thoughts changed from what I was going to say to him to what I was going to write in the Court papers.
I started it out longhand, sitting at the Chef’s Table at the restaurant between shifts. I thought a lot about what went into that paper. Then I sat down and wrote it out like it should have been written. Then I went and picked up the 12 additional pieces of paper I needed, and I filled those out.
I was nervous and upset and scared. I felt like I had a basketball in my throat and iron-tipped butterflies in my stomach. But, I did it anyway.
I know what he’ll say in his response and some of it may be partially true and some of it will be outright lies and I really don’t care. I’ve been through enough that whatever happens, I’ll survive that too.
What I’m totally amazed by is what I can accomplish when I’m not having to deal with him. I, for the most part, have my house cleaned, at least, the important parts. That’s even after I spent MY DAY OFF at Nate’s school and MY OTHER DAY OFF at my parents’ place, went to Nate’s band concert, made three trips to the Courthouse, a trip to the YMCA, called my counselor, called Nate’s doctor’s office twice, wrote the petition, filled out 12 pages of information, made copies, took care of my cats, the dog, made sure Nate took a shower, had his homework finished, went to, took T-Bird to the unemployment office and her doctor’s office, I blogged, went to the grocery store, twice, actually made dinner, twice, and I slept.
All that, even after I worked 99.97 hours on my feet in the past two weeks.
And in four hours and 51 minutes (or around about then), I’m leaving for Rock on the Range. I’ll not get to go to both days, but by golly, I’m going to see Black Stone Cherry and I’m going to see Alice in Chains!!!!
That doesn’t mean I’m not being hyper-vigilant and that I’m not nervous as hell, but, it will be really nice just to get away for at least one day.
Jace and I are finished. For some reason last Sunday, everything just changed. I can’t say that either of us have approached it in a mature fashion. This is to say we haven’t spoken of the end, its just ended.
He’s moving positions on Thursday to another location and that will be a good thing. Actually, it ending is a good thing. I miss talking to him as a friend, but in almost all other aspects of our relationship, it won’t be missed.
I think, honestly, he prefers someone who doesn’t mind him drinking and I definitely minded it. He was talking about a new “hangout” that he had found and I do believe he had started spending time there and maybe he found someone else that enjoys “hanging out” at bars and drinking 4-7 nights a week.
I would say that other than that, he’s a really great guy, but rather I’ll say, if it wasn’t for that, he’d be a really great guy.
Oh well, I have my own problems. I’m not perfect, my house isn’t perfect, my kid isn’t perfect, and OMG, my eyes are KILLING ME! It may be because I started using a different mascara or maybe its because pollen is falling like snow here. I’m not sure, but I’m so light sensitive I can barely type this.
And my day is not yet even close to being over.
Just wanted to let the world know that when I got home from work today, I found that both of Chico’s ears are now standing up!!!! Before, he had one up and one down. It was funny to manipulate the floppy ear to get it stand up and then he would move and it would fall and Nate and I would say, “Awwwwww.”
Nate told me yesterday, “I think its getting ready to stand up, Mom. I think its ready.” I was transfering clothes from the washer to the dryer and Chico was playing around my feet. I looked down and thought it looked like they were both up, so I picked him up and whoop! There’s the ear!
I’m sorry I don’t have pictures, but I keep forgetting to get more batteries for my camera.
*Sniff* He looks so much older. He also looks striking in his new camoflauge collar, because, as you know, he’s Momma’s Bubba’s Little Badger Dog.
As a side note… if you receive really oustanding service and the food is awesome, and you gush to your server about it, please, let that show in the tip. While I appreciate “The food and service were excellent,” a “Good job” and then tipping 10% doesn’t pay my bills. Its like going in for a yearly performance evaluation, getting excellent marks, and then not getting a raise.
Also, if you decide to drive up on a stop sign, pause, drive through, and then almost get broadsided by my car, don’t give ME a look! Especially since you can’t flip me off because you’re too busy yakking on your cellphone to even stop at a stop sign and look in the other three directions! I will have both hands free to flip you off and loudly honk my horn… for a block and a half. I will then play, “I Hate My Life,” by Theory of a Deadman in your honor.
“I hate all of the people/who can’t drive their cars/bitch you better get outta the way/before I start falling apart.”
Time for bed!