Well, I Missed It

May 29, 2009 at 11:47 pm (Attitude in Overdrive, Relationships, Work)

My Blogiversary that is. May 28th. Five years.  A lot of words. Our sweet Hermione has been gone a year. Its been 2 years and four months since the fire. Its almost time for Rabbit, Rabbit again.

Time, it keeps moving.

My counselor asked what I wanted to get out of our time together.

That seems like such a simple question but is very difficult to answer.

Perhaps the answers are found in the simple routines of my life, which have become not so simple. Humans are creatures of habit and police officers are taught NOT to be creatures of habit. They are taught not to patrol the same place at the same time everyday. They are taught to go against the grain of forming habits yet to observe the habits of others.

I never leave home at the same time everyday. This is helped by the fact I don’t work the same time everyday, like many people do. I drop Nate off at school a different time everyday. I don’t leave work at the same time everyday. I don’t park in the same spot everyday. I don’t take the same route to work everyday, but I do take the same route home, but sometimes I pick up Nate from school and sometimes I don’t.

I am ever mindful of who is following me in traffic. I am ever mindful of driving in the city that Jeff lives in. I am vigilant for his vehicle when I drive, when I drop Nate at school, and when I pick him up. I wonder if maybe he’s driving something different. I watch for his vehicle through the windows of the restaurant and through the windows of my own home.

I never go to sleep at the same time every night. Sometimes I sit in the dark and most of the time I sleep without feeling as though I’ve slept. My co-workers complain that I never smile anymore. This is compounded by the fact they know Jace and I aren’t seeing each other anymore.

They may have never known had it not been for Irritating Gay Guy who asked what I was doing after work and I responded that I needed to cut grass and take the garbage out. He responded that I could just have Jace do it and I should put him to work, blah, blah, blah, and why didn’t I just have Jace do it?  And he wouldn’t shut up about it! I finally said that I didn’t think that would be happening and he just needed to shut his trap about it.

Of course, he’s an idiot and irritating and just kept on until finally Candyman’s Brother, who was working the tank at the time said, “What she means is its none of your damn business and to shut the fuck up.” This finally shut Irritating Gay Guy up.

The break up with Jace is just a small part of what’s bothering me. It does bother me though. I like endings and I like answers. By his own admission, he just disappeared. As I told T-Bird, what bothers me most, is that it appears I didn’t even mean enough to him for him to properly break up with me and what really pisses me off about that is how he just couldn’t wait for me to fall for him. Blah, blah, blah. Whatever.

It fucking bothers me that when he sees me at the restaurant, which is rare, he doesn’t even acknowledge me. Like I did something horrible to him, which I didn’t. I know, I know, he did me a favor. Well, next time, do me a favor and then act like a mature adult about it because right now, all I can think is, “You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille.”

Like I need one more thing on my mind. Bothering me.

I just want to not be so hyper-vigilant. I want to do what is right and best for Nate. I want to be safe and secure and happy. I just want to be happy.

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5 Comments

  1. kenju said,

    As we all do. Feeling safe and secure is not as easy in your situation with Jeff. I hope that the need for you to be so watchful will end. It causes the expenditure of too much adrenalin, and maybe that’s why you sleep without feeling rested.

    Yes, he DID do you a favor. The problem lies not in you – but in him. Please realize that and move on because it does you no good to beat yourself up because someone else is an ass.

  2. Zelda said,

    That is a very petulant and immature way to handle the end to a relationship. Some guys are just like that and they’re best not given a second thought. I know you’re like me in that you can’t help it, but the relationship really isn’t worth any more emotion than you’ve already given to it.

    Jeff is another matter. He’s deranged. Not a whole lot you can do about that.

  3. Vince said,

    It is very immature to not at least be cordial to an ex. Last time I acted that way I was 15.

    As for the rest, you know what I think you should do so I won’t say it again. You need to let go of all that old shit and get some breathing room before you collapse, either physically or mentally.

  4. tricia said,

    You so deserve to be happy. Have I mentioned how fun Texas can be?

  5. SagaciousHillbilly said,

    How happy do you want to be?
    Some people don’t want to be happy at all and others want to be happy all the time.
    How happy do you want to be?

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