Argh!

June 24, 2010 at 12:46 pm (AZ, Empathy, Family, Music, My Travels, Nate, Relationships, T-Bird, Work, Writing)

So, as always when working on blog posts, I run into the problem of cats stepping on the computer and erasing everything I’ve written. Now that I’ve written it once, I don’t feel like writing it again. That Stream of Conscious has hit the River of Thought and is gone.

I was writing about my brother and my son. My relationship with my brother will never be what I want it to be because my brother doesn’t want a relationship with us. And, my son suffers from education depression and is unmotivated.  There isn’t anything I can do about the first, but the second I’m working on. I have a feeling his 504  next year will look very different than last years.

Nate has more motivation now, motivation to learn, but that doesn’t mean he’s excited about learning and learning to his potential. If that makes sense. I’ve been reading a book that my friend Vince recommended called, “The Mind of Boys,” and it has been very helpful. Although I wish I had discovered it a long time ago. It is also very helpful for someone who will be teaching boys.

Things are sort of… up in the air right now. Although I’ve had my issues at work, I do love my job. However, I also need to teach for my graduate degree and I’m attempting to get my feet under me to accomplish that. I need to make a decision but don’t feel I’m in the position to make it yet. Argh!

I haven’t mentioned AZ for a while. We see each other for lunch on occasion and he wrote one of my recommendations for graduate school. It made me teary-eyed. I think one of the most important things he put in there was how inspiring I was to him. I chose to believe him instead of  thinking he was bullshitting.  When I think back over the course of our very long relationship, I can see why he would write that and the small strides he is making toward being the person he wants to be instead of allowing himself to be tossed about by everyone elses currents.

T-Bird went back to school and she is searching for a job. Even in our job market, which has not taken the recession as hard as others, this is tough. People are so desperate for jobs that she is getting low-balled, even with the experience and job training that she has had. It’s scary.

Things on the relationship front have changed since my last post. I’m not sure how to characterize it. One of my guests that I’ve known since I started working there asked me out. We’ve always had a good relationship and I like him, plus he really is a good kisser. I’m not sure though, I think he’s a bit too… something.  Problem is, he’s such an open book and I’m so good at reading him empathically, I know what he wants and what he’s thinking before he does.

Therefore, I already knows where it’s going, which I’m okay with. I’ll figure out more when we go out Friday. I don’t see it having long-term potential, which I’m also okay with. Most of the time, even more often now, moreso than before, this is the kind of short-term ride I pass up but this time I’m just going to jump on.  It’s too intriguing not to.

I have a feeling that once he figures out I can’t be fooled, he may just move on. 

I also like the fact that I can feel again. For long I’ve been blocked. I still am but only to a degree, only to the degree that I chose to be. For too long I’ve viewed the world through dispassionate eyes because it was easier than feeling the pain.  The pain isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I suppose, thus far, I’ve lived through the worst of it. Losing my pets, AZ’s marriage,  the Court case with Jeff, all of which produced literal physical pain in addition to my emotional pain.

Now, I’m back to trouncing through it, roiling it up, and kicking its ass instead of fearing it.  One of my co-workers refers to me as Sarah Connor – not bad, not an ass, but badass.  I’m more Sarah Connor, flawed, human, and badass, and less like Wonder Woman. I like knowing I can be Sarah C0nnor and I don’t have to be Wonder Woman, although I do love the boots. But, combat boots will work too.

I need to go mow the grass before the storm hits.  I’ll leave you with some music and SURPRISE!  It is NOT Alice in Chains. One of my favorite lines from this song was what I posted on Facebook:  “Here we are buck naked, yeah, but where should we begin, when its not the flesh we’re after but the howling ghost within?”

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Burdens Lifted

November 22, 2009 at 3:28 pm (AZ, Crazy Shit, Friends, Relationships)

Hard to believe its been almost a month since I’ve been here. Some of you have asked about the Ghost Adventures thing.  It was interesting. I got to see Dean Haglund for a few minutes.  I wasn’t overwhelmed. I’m not saying TALA doesn’t have supernatural activity, but I will say that any experiences I’ve had have been spontaneous, not contrived and I certainly don’t go around saying, “Come ghost! Come and get me!” Blargh.

However, I did take one picture that turned out fairly well. They had the front of TALA lit up and it created a really evil shadow behind it, which was impossible to catch with my dinky camera. However, I do like the one pic that did turn out.

I’ll drift backwards a bit more and tell you about our trip to Coalwood for the October Sky Festival. We had a really good time and it was much, much larger than the first time we went… and much warmer.

Here’s Nate with Homer:

And Nate with Natalie Cannerday, who played Elsie Hickham in “October Sky.” She was a real hoot and Nate thought she was the shizznat.

I also took this picture of a police officer from a neighboring town called Keystone (and eavesdropped on his conversation with DJs from WELC). Yes, he’s a Keystone Kop and in reference to the 1960’s comedy, “Car 54, Where Are You?” that somewhat parodied the original Keystone Kops, his dispatch number was 54. He said it was a humbling experience.

Here are the Rocket Boys:

Jimmy (O’Dell) Carroll, Homer Hickam, Roy Lee Cooke, Billy Rose, and some dude. I don’t know who he is. I’ll have to send the picture to Roy Lee and find out. Roy Lee lives across the hill from me and we’ve struck up a friendship. We had a beer a week or so ago and he signed Nate’s “Rocket Boys” book and then asked if Nate wanted him to sign for the rest of the guys too, even Sherman (who is dead). LOL! He’s a hoot!

A pic of the old Coalwood Elementary (facade), seriously, nothing left behind this structure but a few crumbling piles of bricks and a few other pics of our trip, including part of  a coal tipple.

Then there was my sorta class reunion. We didn’t have time for a full-fledged class reunion so the ones that could got together and went to a football game and dinner. I made it to dinner.

 These are my friends Mark and Millie. Mark was my first “boyfriend”… in Kindergarten and Millie and I were tight in Junior High and High School. We had a really good time.

And this is part of where I go walking in the mornings:

But, shall I get to the real reason I’m here. A month or so ago, I had talked to AZ and he had mentioned having lunch with me on a day off. He didn’t call me, which I had expected, and I had forgot about it until I had a day off during the week. I thought, “Hell, we’ll see if he can put his money where his mouth is.” I texted him and didn’t hear from him until around 11. We met later at a local fast food place and had some lunch and I filled him in on the situation with Jeff and Nate and how work was and we chit-chatted about things, including one of his rental properties that he was currently working on because it had been trashed.

I went over with him and met one of his tenants who was helping him. I went back home and returned with the wedding gift I had made, two years late, but better late than never. He put it up in the cabinet of the rental and my best guess is it is either still there or he took it to his office. I doubt seriously his wife will ever see it. It was nice to just hang out with him and talk.

Two weeks later, or about a week ago, I texted him about a local station that suddenly went to a Christmas format, to see if he knew what the deal was. He called me and said they were as much in the dark as anyone and again invited me to lunch. I told him I would text him. So, I did. Again, we met at a local restaurant (he works in the city that we live in) and this time lunch lasted for two hours.

I told him of the recent troubles I’d had at work and gave him some of my new fiction. He told me he was unhappy in his marriage, that the last two years were nothing like he had expected, somedays he felt like he was taking care of a 16 year-old daughter instead of having a wife, unhappy at his job, and he was depressed and generally unhappy.  Of course there were examples and explanations to go along with that.  After a few “You gotta fucking kidding me’s” – eyerolls – and other annoyed noises from me, we said, “See ya later.”  

He had to know that was going to roll around in my head for a while and I wasn’t going to let it lie. I got up the next morning and wrote him an e-mail. I basically told him, in a nutshell, what I’ve said on this blog since December of 2007, and more since September of 2008. I told him why I had dropped out of his life, how much it hurt when he got married and how much I felt as though I had lost my best friend and I was pretty pissed with the fact it hadn’t seemed to help his situation and really, that neither of them was helping the situation either. What a waste.

I also told him it was up to him as what to do with this life and to either get help or not for his depression and what to do about his marriage. I didn’t have a dog in that fight. I’d be there to listen but that was it. It was hard for me to admit, mainly to myself,  how much I’ve really missed him. Not the bullshit, just him.

He took it well. He almost seemed happy. One bizarre note: After lunch, while we were talking, I noticed something very strange about his eyes. I said, “AZ, why are your eyes green?”  He said, “They do that sometimes.”

“No, they don’t. I’ve known you for almost 18 years and I’d swear on a stack of bibles that your eyes are brown, have been brown, and have never been a shade of green, which, by the way, is creepy and almost frightening.”

“I know what my driver’s license says, but sometimes they get this way.”

“Its creepy.”

AZ wasn’ t the only one to feel the sting of my honest observations and how it relates to MY mental health. I also wrote to Troy and told him I would not be meeting him in VA for my birthday because I’m done with making up for where other people make mistakes and are not happy with their decisions. Its not my fault he married an alcoholic and not my fault he stays married to her and there’s nothing I can do about that except be his friend and listen. But, that’s all I was going to be.  Not his fuck buddy or the person he wants to be with while she’s in Australia.

Whether it was him or AZ or any of the other married, engaged, committed in some way, men that I’ve been messing with over the course of my life. I’m done being a side-dish. Your life will never change if you continue to do the same things and hope for a different outcome, that equals insanity. I want so much more and deserve to be so much more. I can’t bitch to them about having the courage to change their lives if I’m consistently falling back into my old patterns and being unhappy.

They both took this well and appear to understand and respect the boundaries I’ve placed on our friendships. It wouldn’t matter if they took it well or not, that’s just a bonus, because it didn’t matter whether they like it or not, that’s the way it was going to be, with or without them.

And me, I’m much more at peace. I’ll not say I’m happier, I’ll say I’m glad I was honest and that they know how I feel. It lifted burdens I’ve been carrying around for a long time and without those burdens its much easier to let the happiness I have inside come out. I feel stronger and much more badass than I have in a long time. Not badass as in bitchy, but badass as in, I rock!!!

I told T-Bird that not only is it the anniversary of my birth but also my new year. So, Happy New Year to me!!!

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And Such…

September 7, 2009 at 1:57 pm (AZ, Cats, Chico, Crazy Shit, Family, Fitness, Nate)

Let’s see – Judge ordered (and we agreed so as not to yell and scream for 45 minutes) that Jeff and Nate will see the same counselor, separately, and that she will determine when they should have counseling together, and then advise the Court regarding overnight visits.

Nate is unhappy about having another counselor as he likes going to the Domestic Violence center.  He’s still going to go to the Center, but just deal with different issues. We’ll know more after his first appointment with his new counselor.

When Nate and I came home last night with one of Nate’s buddies, I saw a man walking down the street toward my house. He moved over behind my neighbor’s van as though to get out of our way, but when I pulled in at my house, he turned around and started walking in the direction that he had just came from. And it was raining.

I wonder if he really thinks I’m that stupid that I don’t know its him. Moron. I guess he figured I had caught him driving around the neighborhood and now he would try a different approach.

Anyway, Nate is doing well so far with school. He’s putting a lot of effort into it, doing his homework, and he and I have the agreement that I won’t question every tiny paper in his backpack as long as his grades are good and he’s turning his work in. He’s still irritating me with getting to school on time… he likes walking in when the bell rings, which annoys me. However, he knows if he causes himself to be tardy then he loses his electronic privileges for the evening.

He seems so relaxed, happy, and so much more mature.  He still has a lot of anger and hurt over his father, but I’m hopeful that counseling will continue to whittle that away and give him the tools he needs to deal with it appropriately.

We are fostering Nate’s sister’s cat, Moose. She and her mother are getting ready to move out of their current living arrangement into a place of their own. Her Mom’s boyfriend (soon to be ex), has nixed the cat living there until they can leave. So, Moose lives with me for now. He and Chico are about the same size and they play like demons. Its hilarious.

I told my mom about Moose and she said, “Well, if she doesn’t come back and get him then I’m coming down there and personally taking him to the animal shelter! You have too many pets as it is now!” 

Ya’ll, my mother has serious issues.  It may have gone unnoticed to her, but it isn’t lost on me that I’ll be 39 years old this year, I pay my own mortgage, and my own utilities, I pay for everything!  I’ve lived on my own for 14 years and wow, I’m raising a child too. Amazing that I’ve made it this far without her controlling my every move.  She’s messed up in the head.

Wilbur is a big ball of fuzz and he’s not going anywhere either. No, my mother doesn’t know about him. I’m afraid she’ll attempt a catnapping. Bizarre.

I saw AZ the other day. It was … okay. I saw him while Nate and I were out to eat. His wife, mother, and another mutual friend were with him. I’m still hurt but its fading. Seriously… I really know why he married her. She has no confidence whatsoever, and Clint and Stacy would have had a field day with her whole look that day. And he’s so self-absorbed and insecure… her letting him have the continous spotlight is perfect.

He made the comment that Nate’s hair was long… and he was so tall. Yep, that happens when they grow up.  He stood there for a while until I remembered to stand up and give him a oh-yeah-guess-I should-hug-you hug. Used to be I would have jumped up and given him a real hug, but… just didn’t really feel the need.  It was painful just exchanging pleasantries with him. Painful in that I didn’t really want to. I was being polite.

I described her to my counselor as a mouse, with sound effects and visuals. I cracked her up so bad she didn’t even have a chance to tell me, “No, no, not nice, examine your feelings, Grasshopper.”  I said, “Well, being married to him hasn’t done her any favors.”  And while I know that he and I were totally incompatible in so many ways, it still hurts, and I’m angry, and she makes me roll my eyes.

And, it pisses me off that he acts like things haven’t changed since he got married.  And, naturally, he buries his head in the sand instead of addressing it. That’s his way of not dealing with it. I’m going to deal with it. He doesn’t have to participate in it, he doesn’t have to make any peace with me or it, but I do, and I will.

Ugh, that whole situation just irritates me. And, my mother irritates me. Really.

I have lost about three pounds and two inches from my waist since starting my new diet and exercise regime.  I’m three inches from goal and I don’t really have a weight goal, just an inches goal for my waist and just to be healthier.

That’s about it. Have a great day.

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Quiet Time

August 10, 2009 at 12:09 am (AZ, Faith, Friends, Music, Nate, Relationships, Writing)

Nate spent the week at my parents’. Each of the grandsons visit a week during the summer. When each of my nephews is there, Nate goes up and spends the weekend with them. I spent a lot of time working and cleaning. I finally cleaned “the dirty corner.” Just where a bunch of junk and trash ended up. I’m very happy that “the dirty corner” is clean now.  I still have a lot of things in storage containers but I’m whittling it down little by little.

I did make a trip to the bookstore and picked up, “When God Winks At You: How God Speaks Directly To You Through the Power of Coincidence,” by Squire Rushnell.  I can’t wait to get the rest of the books. Highly recommended reading. I also got a new set of Oracle cards and a new set of Tarot cards. Its part of the long journey back to the Goddess.

I’ve long known I’ve had a crisis of faith and you can’t just sit around a wish it wasn’t so, you have to consciously come back to it. The Rushnell book was recommended to me by one of my best good friends, the oldest friend I have in the world. She and I were BFFs in second grade, born one day apart, and although on the surface our lives appear to have taken very different paths, the connection and the need to be in each other’s lives has persisted.

She had looked for me on Faceb**k, but as many of you know, I don’t use my real name. However, I did look for her and luckily she does use her real name. We talked at length about faith, and as we were discussing godwinks her cellphone started beeping by itself… and the numbers 777 came up. I just shook my head and said, “See???”

After doing several readings to get used to my new cards, I realized a lot of things. First, I am always amazed at the accuracy of the cards. Second, I was able to gain some insight by studying the pattern of the cards and by finding that pattern, I was better able to put my finger on something that has eluded me.

Just knowing things about yourself doesn’t make them go away. I am angry, and I know that is a reaction to something else. I’m hurt, sad, confused, but most of all, I’m afraid. It was easy to say, “Yeah, I’m afraid of Jeff. I’m afraid of Nate having to go back there. I’m afraid of having to deal with Jeff again.”

Actually, through the cards, it really dawned on me that I’m afraid of much more than just Jeff. You know what happens when you’re afraid? You tense up and you hold on. You hold on with a death grip, out of fear, even if its something that is bad for you because change will just spike your fear again.

The cards also spoke of needing to release negative energy and healing and possible complete and utter collapse of my finances. Well, I got The Tower and that always means calamity, and I got it in the finance portion of two different readings, but then I got The Bee in my other reading, which is always a great omen. I’ve gotten those conflicting cards before.

It means my path is not laid yet. It generally shows a confusion, that I’ll be at crossroads and I’ll have to make a decision whether I’m going to have the strength to let go.  I generally believe that everyone knows it takes more strength to let go and move ahead than to sit in the same spot, treading water. It takes a lot of strength to pull all of the junk out of your closet and go through it than to just let the closet sit there like a toad.  A fat ugly toad, just like the bad spirit from “Practical Magic,” sitting in Gillian.

You can bankrupt your life in more ways than just monetarily.

“I just saw Haley’s comet, she waved, said, ‘Why are you always running in place?’ ”

I did start the letter to AZ. Somewhere really close to the beginning I realized how much I didn’t care about this situation right now. Maybe I’ll care about it later. I just realized that I’ll never have the right man in my life if I keep holding on to the wrong one for the wrong reasons. He was the wrong one, for a lot of wrong reasons.

I also have to admit, as much as it pains me, I need to mourn and grieve over this situation with Jeff. I put a lot of work, time, compassion, and hope into our relationship. Even though Jeff and I hadn’t had a romantic relationship in years, this doesn’t mean we didn’t have a relationship. I’m so very disappointed and hurt that I had to do what I’ve done for myself and Nate.

You can’t change anyone other than yourself. No matter how much work, time, compassion and hope, so much HOPE you’ve put into your relationship with them. That sucks so bad, but life isn’t fair.

There was something else in my cards too. It was the Seven of Wands, which is Rivalry. I got it twice, and it means that I’ll have stiff competition in creative endeavors and business projects. I have to move to a new level of creativity and imagination. I may embark on a new course of study as a writer or teacher.

Today, I saw a blurb in the paper called, “Write Your Own Column.”  I guess you send in your stories and they pick from those to appear in the paper. I’m exactly sure but I’m going to try.

The Goddess winks. Oh, yes she does.

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Wilbur and Other Schtuff

August 3, 2009 at 12:16 am (AZ, Beading, Cats, Chico, Friends, Music, Work)

Many of you have wondered about the adorable Wilbur. Does he really have horse teeth? Does he really resemble a pink pig with an arachnid girlfriend? Actually, he looks more like a baby Ewok.

Wilbur…

Wilbur 006

Ewok baby…

ewok

Stunning, isn’t it?

I named him Wilbur because its just a ridiculous name and… well… he’s fat as a pig. Here he is with Chico.

Wilbur 007

It would appear that Wilbur is half Chico’s body size and you would be right.  Something is just wrong with the fact that my 2 1/2 week old kitten is half the size of my 5 1/2 month old dog.

Wilbur is still smaller than me.

Wilbur 003

Went to see a local production of “Rent” this afternoon. Rosie has one of the lead roles (he’s Mark) and we’re all ganging up and going to see him in spurts. It was excellent. With the talent we have around here, you don’t need to go to New York, plus you get to go backstage and hang with the actors and their families.

Wilbur 013 That’s Rosie’s sister with us. She rocks.

Oh yes, and there’s my new bling-bling.

Wilbur 009 This is the new necklace I made. I bought a book by Laura McCabe and took some projects she had and used it to make myself something. The stone is a vintage copper Swarovski triangle. I did have it in a ring, but it was crude so I popped it out and decided to make something to match the outfit I had on today.

I’m supposed to write AZ a letter and let him know how I feel. Funny, after all of those years of writing to him, I can’t find a thing to say other than, “YOU’RE A MORON!”  I think my counselor wants something a bit more than just, “You’re a moron!” 

Listening to “Rent” really helped give me a better perspective on things and I really just need to get a better attitude and look at the bright side, while dealing with the dark side. And give AZ a piece of my mind.

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Me?

July 28, 2009 at 2:58 pm (AZ, Cats, Relationships)

Not talk about my feelings? That’s what my psychiatrist pointed out to me today. Although I am willing to discuss incidences that hurt me, I often focus on the “abuser” versus dealing with how I actually feel about it.

*Sigh*

This is a coping mechanism, similar to the numb feeling I’ve experienced for a quite a while now. Its “autopilot.”  She stated that we often start this in childhood to deal with trauma. Dealing with our feelings becomes too painful, so we focus on anything other than our feelings.

T-Bird and I had a “feeling” session one day, purely by accident. She has an AZ in her life and she’s been in a quandry as how to proceed or not to proceed in dealing with his on again, off again bullshit.  She asked me how I dealt with not seeing AZ and not talking to him.

I pretty well broke down and admitted how much I really miss having him in my life. My feelings for him aside, he was really the one person I could talk to about my other feelings and not hide them. That is the main reason that I miss him so very much. Writing to him and talking to him was therapeutic. I miss him everyday. Every fucking day. At times like this, even more so.

The pain our relationship has caused me clashes with the intensity with which I miss him. I am disappointed in myself for allowing things to continue for so long without answers. I am hurt that he would also allow things to continue for so long, and either be oblivious to, or uncaring of my love for him.

But, I still miss him. I miss him everyday.

In happier news, Nate fished The One Kitten (now named Wilbur) out from inside the couch and when he handed him to me, SURPRISE!  Wilbur looked at me, WITH HIS EYES OPEN!  He’s so sweet!

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Oh Boy

June 25, 2009 at 12:50 am (AZ, Nate, Relationships)

I just posted about how it seems that Nate has grown an inch overnight. That’s not the only ways that he’s growing. He’s becoming more self-assured and is speaking out more about how he feels and what he wants.

He’s been pushing to stay by himself while I work.  You can imagine that every bad thought goes through my mind, when in actuality, Nate is a pretty responsible young man, with a good head on his shoulders. Remember, it was Nate who ran to the neighbor’s house and had them call 911 when the house was on fire, then ran down the street to the fire department.

My real problem with Nate staying alone is that I’m afraid he will be lonely. He just laughs at me. I can remember my first experiences with staying alone, or with just my brother around, which is the same as being alone. It was awesome. Although I had chores to do, it was really awesome not having my parents there to bother me. Nate and I get along great, that’s not the problem, but, he is getting to that age.

In two weeks, he’ll be 13. A teenager. My baby, a teenager!

As I told Kenju, he’s growing up so fast it hurts my feelings. And not just his height, but his mind and maturity are finally catching up to his size 9 1/2 foot.  For the past two weeks, since our last counseling session, it seems as though he’s matured two years.

He asked to be allowed to go on the overnight rafting trip with his camp group this year. Last year I felt he was too young and this year, I really can’t say no. If I’m encouraging him to become more of his own person and articulate his thoughts and feelings, then I also feel as though I have to let him go in other ways as well. I have to show that I trust him to do the right things and be the person I’ve taught him to be.

I’m terrified. Simply terrified.

It gives me a new appreciation for what my parents went through when they allowed me to go to Germany for a year. How terrifying that must have been for them, even though I was an extremely intelligent, articulate, mature young woman for my age. I’m quaking in my shoes over an overnight trip, and they let me go for a year. Of course, I wasn’t on the verge of 13, I was on the verge of 18. And its an overnight camping trip, not Germany.

And its not like Nate hasn’t spent the night away from me… with my family, and his family, and trusted friends.

The good news is that Rosie and I are going to The Sound of Music Sing-A-Long Friday evening. I’m dressing in my new dress and heels and going as The Baroness Von Schraeder. It is summertime and I’m not fond of dressing as a nun in 90* heat. I’m looking forward to throwing popcorn, hissing at Nazis and booing the actual Baroness. I wish I could mack out my outfit a bit more but I’m kind of broke.

Lex also said he would spend time with me Friday. I’ve warned him that I’m still in numb mode. He said that was okay and we could just snuggle. What a mensch.

Oh, and AZ did call back. He told me he’d like to have lunch with me soon. I’m not sure why, I wasn’t rude enough to ask. I cried later though. I hope he asks why I’ve basically dropped out of his life.  I really, really do because I’m ready to tell him.

Okay, its my bed time.

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Growth

June 24, 2009 at 8:59 am (Alice in Chains, AZ, Crazy Shit, Friends, International Travel, Nate)

I just finished hugging my child. I asked him, “Did you grow an inch last night?” Flat footed, he’s almost looking me in the eye. Wasn’t it just yesterday that he still had to look up to me?  For right now, he still does look up to me, even if we’re seeing eye to eye.

I’m tired. I was up until about 3 a.m. this morning, finishing my court summary. It came in handy. My alarm was set for 7:30. I slept okay, just not long enough. My back is really hurting from being hunched over typing. It was hurting before, think I slept the wrong way.

I got a rockin’ pair of red shoes to go with my new dress thanks to a friend. I put on some vintage Sarah Convetry pearls and looked like a 50’s housewife. Not so much with the shoes on as they are two inch stilleto peep toes. At least retro is in.  

I went to the memorial service this morning. I was doing pretty good until the decedent’s brother got up to speak. I’ve had many conversations with him and I’m just very, very fond of the entire family, as I was his brother. When his voice broke, my heart broke right along with it.

I then went to the restaurant and had lunch. I didn’t eat much as I was starting to get the nervous stomach. Outside of that, I was oddly calm. No shaky hands or feelings like I was going to throw up. I got choked up on the stand when I talked about Nate not wanting to attend his great-uncle’s service because his dad would be there.  I was emotional, but to the point, not given to hysterics or theatrics. Just the facts, ma’am.

It was scary.  

It turned out okay. We’re going back in five weeks, but I have a feeling we’ll be back before then.

I talked to AZ. He had called when I was in the shower yesterday and Nate forgot to tell me.  I’m so numb and shut down I must sound like a drone. I feel the numbness taking me over and I both welcome it and hate it.

Its a survival mechanism, which I figured out long before my counselor told me. If not, I’d be drooling puddles from a drug-induced stupor in a straight jacket.  As my meds wear off in the evenings, because I’m still on the starting dose, I chain smoke.

Wasn’t I talking about AZ? Yeah, not much to report. He just wanted to know how things were going and I told him. Didn’t get a chance to ask him before he had to go, said he would call me back, which I doubt, and I don’t care. Odd though that I thought about calling him on Sunday and he called yesterday.

My life, the life of odd.

Listening to a little Jerry. Just Boggy Depot, Degradation Trip is not as soothing and I’m not really in the mood to reach in and start pulling thorns out of my soul so I’ll be laying off the Alice tonight.

One bizarre note, I was instructed not to take Nate out of the country, as he and I both have passports. Ha, obviously they haven’t priced tickets to Europe lately. But seriously, I was like WHAT THE FUCK! His attorney said that Jeff was afraid if things didn’t go my way that I may try to secret Nate off to a foreign country. LMFAO!  

I think I could disappear far easier in the good ole U. S. of A.  However, I don’t believe in running away, I believe in standing and fighting.

And I forgot to post this last night, so Good Morning Bloggers.

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Thursdays

June 6, 2009 at 9:47 am (AZ, Black Stone Cherry, Chico, Memories, Nate, Relationships, The House, Work, Writing)

Are when Nate and I see our respective counselors. I like both of our counselors.  They’ve given me a lot of insight and hope into our situation but that doesn’t mean its fun getting there. It never is.

Nate is very open to counseling but the things they have coaxed out of him so far are disheartening. Disheartening for a parent who cannot see into the mind of their 12 year old and find all of the feelings they have stuffed down inside of it and the realization that we have so far to go.

Having been through counseling before, and being in counseling now, I know how much it hurts to dig shit up, to face it, and to deal with it appropriately. My heart aches for my son.

Nate and I both learned, over a period of time, not to express any emotion in front of Jeff. To do so, opened us both up to ridicule. Nate maintains that facade and he maintains that facade emotionally as well. He doesn’t talk about his father but I know he’s still there, in the back of his mind.

While Nate can maintain that facade while he is awake, he cannot when he sleeps.  Although his father’s name was not mentioned, I could tell the counseling started roiling the bottom of Nate’s pond. It wasn’t unusual for Nate to talk in his sleep and wet the bed after an episode with his father.

Thursday night, after he went to bed, right about the time he hit REM, I could hear him start chattering. I’ve heard him say “no” and “quit” and “stop” but for the most part, its mumbling. I had a very hard time getting to sleep myself, as my mind just refuses to shut up, hence the doctor’s appointment on the 16th. Somewhere around 3 a.m. I was jolted awake by Nate yelling and as the fog in my mind cleared, I heard him mumbling again.

A short time later, Chico woke me with his whine/bark asking to be let into my bed. As I reached over the side of my bed, I heard Nate say, “Don’t pick him up, ” from the bathroom across from my bedroom. I did anyway and Nate asked where some clean underwear were and I heard him rummaging around in the dark, then he entered my room, I thought to retrieve Chico, but he laid down at the foot of my bed and went to sleep.

I had a dream later that morning about Jeff calling. I heard his ringtone and actually answered the phone. The conversation was benign, almost surreal. I don’t remember much of it, but remembered thinking in the dream that he didn’t ask about Nate. Not surprising, the interpretation for talking on a phone in a dream is that you need to confront issues you are trying to avoid, and to speak to someone you know, means that you need to confront that person.

I figured that out as soon as I woke up. Didn’t really need an interpretation.

I talked to my counselor about the other events in my life, separate from Jeff, that I’ve had to deal with, especially in the last two and a half years, starting with Kevin’s suicide in November of 2006, AZ’s engagement in December and, of course, the housefire. She asked, “How did you put one foot in front of the other?”

I answered, “Nate… and… that’s just how I am.”  At least, that’s what I choked out between sobs.

She gave me, ha ha, writing assignments to be completed as we move through the process. She said, of course, that blogging and journaling is an excellent way to express my feelings. I had read on one of the news services that therapists were assigning patients to start blogs. Oh boy, I can’t wait!  (Laugh, that was supposed to be funny.)

That reminds me of David Bowie (Jareth) from the movie, Labyrinth. If you haven’t seen it, he would say something mean around the little trolls and then he would say, “Well, laugh.” Then they would all laugh with him.

Nate’s grades, really not a laughing matter. He’ll either fail the 7th grade, or he may have to attend summer school. I’m prepared for either. His counselor has some theories about his poor school performance and what we can do about that. When I picked  him up from school on Thursday, they were in the middle of their awards assembly.

When he came out I lightly asked him if he had gotten an award for the most days spent in lunch detention. He smiled and then I said I was sorry and he said, “No, that was actually pretty funny, M.”  He said a little later, “I would like to get an award.” We talked about goals and that this year is over and there isn’t anything he can do about it now, so, he needs to look towards next year and about what he can do to achieve his goal of getting an award, for something, and not the most days spent in lunch detention.

I mentioned, as I have before, The Golden Horseshoe Test, which is given each year to WV 8th grade students to test their knowledge of WV History and I told him that he would be reading “Rocket Boys/October Sky” in conjunction with WV Studies. I told him I make sure we made it down to the October Sky Festival and help him study for the test.

Then I said, let’s just get through the next couple of days…

The weather is also no laughing matter. Its 58 degrees outside and I have my furnace on. ITS JUNE 6TH FOR FUCK’S SAKE!!! Oh, its Troy’s birthday. Happy Birthday Troy!!! Its also Chris Robertson’s birthday (from Black Stone Cherry). Happy Birthday Chris!!!

I’m not working today, but I’m still working. I’m catering a tea party for 10 five year olds and their mothers. Yes, I know, its five year olds, ten of them, and their mothers, but I need the money and its only three hours… I look to the fact that I found a BEAUTIFUL dress at a local department store that fits not only waist but my bosoms as well. This, this an anamoly and I have to capitalize on that.

So is my life today.

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Great Weekend

May 26, 2009 at 1:08 am (AZ, Memories, My Travels, Relationships, The House)

We all had a great time at King’s Island. We rode Firehawk at night, which is the one that you lay down on and it flips you upside down and around and you feel like you’re flying. It was AWESOME!

Cam said he liked Vortex the best, and Nate liked Diamondback. Rosie cracked me up all day long, Collective Soul sounded great, the lines weren’t too long, we got soaked on White Water Canyon, and a nice sunburn. I thought I had dislocated my shoulder on Son of Beast but it stayed in place. I slept most of the day, including during a huge thunderstorm. I had a small lake in my hallway from the damaged shingle on my roof, but otherwise, it was a great weekend.

I did text with Lex in between all of that. He’s not doing so well today. I know him well enough that I expect this to continue for a while. Even though we’re only supposed to be “friends with benefits,” I wonder if he’s even ready for that. Hell, its a great thought, don’t get me wrong.

But, even great thoughts are not ideal thoughts. Lex is a lot like me. Even though the desire to have sex is there, its a desire to have sex with one particular person, not just anyone. Not saying that I’m “just anyone,” just admitting that I’m not “that particular person.” I fall somewhere in the middle. Actually, so does he.

I know that ache. Its the worst sort of paradox that the one who you normally go to for comfort is the one causing the pain and you have no where to turn. He didn’t know how right he was when he said that I would understand what he was going through.

He meant that by what we had gone through with AZ long ago with a crazy chick (chronicled in The Fourteen Years War posts), but as he doesn’t know, but all of you do, I understand more of where he is just from what happened with AZ.  Something he doesn’t know and doesn’t need to know.

Hell, I don’t even want to know.

Maybe if Lex figures it out he’ll let me know.

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