Strange Thought

August 26, 2009 at 8:01 pm (Crazy Shit)

I was wondering if it was strange that when I clear plates at the restaurant and men have shoved their tomatoes aside that I want to lecture them to eat their tomatoes for good prostate health.

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Lovely…

August 24, 2009 at 8:51 am (Crazy Shit, Nate, Writing)

I read Alice Sebold’s “The Lovely Bones” yesterday. I woke up thinking about it this morning. It wasn’t a good feeling. I discovered I like things tied up in neat packages. There was so much unresolved injustice in it, but that’s life, and that’s a part of life that I don’t like.  Not to say that it wasn’t beautifully crafted, it was. It really was.

I’m not in a good place today and its been knawing at me for longer than a few days. I have a hearing this week, and I have only heard from Nate’s Guardian At Litem once, and he hasn’t returned any of my phone calls. I know this is something I really have no control over. I’ve done everything I can do… and now we whittle down to the final days and things aren’t done. It drives me nuts and I’m anxious.

The good news is, I lost an inch and a half from my waist. I don’t have scales but I promise myself I’ll get some. I keep telling myself that, but, my weight doesn’t matter to me as much as the size of my waistline. Diabetes runs so strong in my family and having a large waistline contributes to that. I found a great butter called Olivio. Its made with olive oil and it tastes great.

I’ve learned a lot about portion size, what has more fat, more sodium, I’ve bought new foods, developed my own amazing salads, and I’m trying to convert Nate to eating healthier as well.

Speaking of Nate, we had such a good day yesterday. I took him shopping for new shoes. I had to buy him size 11 in men’s for his ginormous foot. Skinny kid, long legs, big, big feet. He got a new vampire book, “The Chronicles of  Vladimir Tod 3 – Tenth Grade Bleeds.”  He was happy. We also got another book about “Twilight.”  He’s such a funny young man. I also got some more of his school supplies. We weren’t the only ones who waited until the last minute. The shopping center was packed!

I’ve also taken up yoga to help with my anxiety and for the health benefits. I really suck at it but I know I’ll get better as I get more flexible.  Trying to get to a good place. I try to concentrate on my son laughing as he says, imitating a cat from a YouTube video, with visuals, “I’m poopin’, I’m poopin’, oop, false alarm.”

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Jumping Into the Deep End

August 16, 2009 at 1:27 pm (Attitude in Overdrive, Music, Nate, Work, Writing)

As you know, I’ve applied for a big uppity job with the Fed’ral Gubbermint. I’ve made the decision that even if they call, I’m going to decline the interview. I’m not going to be happy working in an office full-time. Not now, not ever.  I can be intellectual, wear pretty clothes and high heels when I’m not serving and bartending, which makes me happy. Being on the move makes me happy. Writing, making jewelry, dancing, and just even thinking about fiddle playing, makes me happy.

Life is just too fucking short and if the Mayans are right, I have just 3 more years to pursue all the things that make me happy.  The biggest thing that made me realize this was when I got my Social Security statement in the mail.

The year before the fire I made $40K. The year of the fire I made $12K. I still paid the mortgage, I still kept the utilities on (sans Internet at times, but that’s not a utility), a car on the road, my son, myself, and the cats fed and pretty well taken care of.  Although I would be remiss not to mention that I also received over $2600 in child support and I used some of my house money to keep us going, but still, its no where near the $35K and $40K I made the years leading into 2007.

Things are tight, I don’t always get to travel like I want, Nate isn’t sporting a new Wii (yet), I still have a crapton of outstanding medical bills and debt, but generally I’m happier. Serving and bartending isn’t always the greatest job in the world, but its better than sitting in an office. Its not even what I do as a job that is important as what I do with the free time I have, and, the energy and motivation to do it.

Sure, Restaurant Manager and I are going to clash, this is nothing new. Some of my co-workers are going to be greedy fucks that make me want to slap them around a bit. Some of my co-workers are going to whine, be lazy, and generally get on my nerves, but, you have that everywhere.

Yes, I need a new car and a new roof on my house. I’ll get there. Nate’s window needs fixed as does the shingle on my roof.  So, I just signed up for all the free car ads on The Free Car, which has a membership of $40 for 5 years. Car payment or $40 to possibly drive my own car and get money (towards a new car) or a new car to drive for 3-6 months or even 2 years? Its worth looking into. I see cars around here with the ads on their cars so I know its available.

Like I said before, I’ve been submitting some of my writings to the local paper and 38 is never too old to really grab life by the balls and do what I’ve always wanted instead of what everyone else wants.  There was an ad in the paper for a writer for the local legal journal. Even then, I’m not so sure I would be happy. So, for now, I’ll be where I am with a new attitude.

Oh, and the funny thing… I told Nate that I wanted to learn to play fiddle and he looked at me with his, “Ya gotta be kiddin’ me, Momma,” look and said, “Well, I hope you install a soundproof wall.” I reminded him that he could just turn up the sound on the iTunes while I closed the door to the bedroom. He said, “Well, just don’t come out until you sound like Charlie Daniels.”  Yeah, no pressure there!

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Insomnia… Sort Of

August 14, 2009 at 3:45 am (Crazy Shit, Family, Music, Relationships)

Lex is leaving for college tomorrow. He came over tonight to tell me good-bye and rub my bum shoulder that I hurt while raking the lawn in preparation for mowing.  Then he decided to rub some other things and … well, that worked out okay.

I wish I could say that I’m going to miss him.

One of my therapists was digging around in my past the other day and said, “You’re angry, why are you not talking about your anger?”

I said, “I am angry! I know I’m angry.”

“Then why are you not talking about it?”

“I am talking about it, I just told you I was angry. I’m not sure what you want. Do you want me to tell you that my mother is a fucking bitch, because I can do that ALL DAY.”

That must have been what she wanted because she let me rant and rave for a bit. I’m not much happier with my dad for not opening his mouth and saying something all those years. Matter of fact, I may be more mad about that. I can remember my mom being mad because supposedly my dad took up for me in private. Whatever. It didn’t help anything then, and it doesn’t help anything now.

I’m not exactly sure where I found all of the strength I have, it certainly wasn’t from either of my parents.

I only saw my dad tell my mom to shut up one time. It wasn’t about me, it was about something else, but in my opinion, he should have told a bit more, instead of sitting around with his arms crossed, absorbed in the TV so he didn’t have to deal with her. No, he left that to me. Thanks Dad, thanks a whole hell of a lot.

I think one reason that I am so strong, or at least appear to be is that my mother was such a whiner. Just a whining pathetic bag of emotional tangles and depression and not much has changed. The combination of never wanting to be like that, and the stiff upper lip I developed from her emotional abuse and abandonment and my father’s literal abandonment, by staying away a lot of the time, just conditioned me to not be, what I perceived, a whining pathetic sot.

I conditioned myself to roll through life, taking the punches, left and right, and getting up, dusting myself off, and moving on. Really though, I was just shoving a bunch of shit down inside of me and now I’m spinning my wheels.

What’s really frustrating is listening to my mother yak on about Dr. Ph*l and Opr*h as though they are the end all and be all of how to better yourself. WHATEVER WOMAN! She talks about all of the people she sees on Dr. Ph*l but never has the self-awareness to realize HOW MUCH LIKE THEM SHE IS!

And my dad, Jesus H. Christ, I don’t think the man has contemplated an emotion for several years.  I’m one of those people, you know, the ones who are certain they were adopted but were never told. I always thought my dad was an intelligent man, but has he ages, he shows just how ignorant and close minded he is.

AAAAAGHHHHHH!!!!! 

Bah!

Anyway, I want to learn how to play the fiddle. And I want to go back to dance class. And, instead of one story, I’m submitting several to my local paper’s “Write Your Own Column” section.

So, that’s how I feel in these early morning hours.

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Quiet Time

August 10, 2009 at 12:09 am (AZ, Faith, Friends, Music, Nate, Relationships, Writing)

Nate spent the week at my parents’. Each of the grandsons visit a week during the summer. When each of my nephews is there, Nate goes up and spends the weekend with them. I spent a lot of time working and cleaning. I finally cleaned “the dirty corner.” Just where a bunch of junk and trash ended up. I’m very happy that “the dirty corner” is clean now.  I still have a lot of things in storage containers but I’m whittling it down little by little.

I did make a trip to the bookstore and picked up, “When God Winks At You: How God Speaks Directly To You Through the Power of Coincidence,” by Squire Rushnell.  I can’t wait to get the rest of the books. Highly recommended reading. I also got a new set of Oracle cards and a new set of Tarot cards. Its part of the long journey back to the Goddess.

I’ve long known I’ve had a crisis of faith and you can’t just sit around a wish it wasn’t so, you have to consciously come back to it. The Rushnell book was recommended to me by one of my best good friends, the oldest friend I have in the world. She and I were BFFs in second grade, born one day apart, and although on the surface our lives appear to have taken very different paths, the connection and the need to be in each other’s lives has persisted.

She had looked for me on Faceb**k, but as many of you know, I don’t use my real name. However, I did look for her and luckily she does use her real name. We talked at length about faith, and as we were discussing godwinks her cellphone started beeping by itself… and the numbers 777 came up. I just shook my head and said, “See???”

After doing several readings to get used to my new cards, I realized a lot of things. First, I am always amazed at the accuracy of the cards. Second, I was able to gain some insight by studying the pattern of the cards and by finding that pattern, I was better able to put my finger on something that has eluded me.

Just knowing things about yourself doesn’t make them go away. I am angry, and I know that is a reaction to something else. I’m hurt, sad, confused, but most of all, I’m afraid. It was easy to say, “Yeah, I’m afraid of Jeff. I’m afraid of Nate having to go back there. I’m afraid of having to deal with Jeff again.”

Actually, through the cards, it really dawned on me that I’m afraid of much more than just Jeff. You know what happens when you’re afraid? You tense up and you hold on. You hold on with a death grip, out of fear, even if its something that is bad for you because change will just spike your fear again.

The cards also spoke of needing to release negative energy and healing and possible complete and utter collapse of my finances. Well, I got The Tower and that always means calamity, and I got it in the finance portion of two different readings, but then I got The Bee in my other reading, which is always a great omen. I’ve gotten those conflicting cards before.

It means my path is not laid yet. It generally shows a confusion, that I’ll be at crossroads and I’ll have to make a decision whether I’m going to have the strength to let go.  I generally believe that everyone knows it takes more strength to let go and move ahead than to sit in the same spot, treading water. It takes a lot of strength to pull all of the junk out of your closet and go through it than to just let the closet sit there like a toad.  A fat ugly toad, just like the bad spirit from “Practical Magic,” sitting in Gillian.

You can bankrupt your life in more ways than just monetarily.

“I just saw Haley’s comet, she waved, said, ‘Why are you always running in place?’ ”

I did start the letter to AZ. Somewhere really close to the beginning I realized how much I didn’t care about this situation right now. Maybe I’ll care about it later. I just realized that I’ll never have the right man in my life if I keep holding on to the wrong one for the wrong reasons. He was the wrong one, for a lot of wrong reasons.

I also have to admit, as much as it pains me, I need to mourn and grieve over this situation with Jeff. I put a lot of work, time, compassion, and hope into our relationship. Even though Jeff and I hadn’t had a romantic relationship in years, this doesn’t mean we didn’t have a relationship. I’m so very disappointed and hurt that I had to do what I’ve done for myself and Nate.

You can’t change anyone other than yourself. No matter how much work, time, compassion and hope, so much HOPE you’ve put into your relationship with them. That sucks so bad, but life isn’t fair.

There was something else in my cards too. It was the Seven of Wands, which is Rivalry. I got it twice, and it means that I’ll have stiff competition in creative endeavors and business projects. I have to move to a new level of creativity and imagination. I may embark on a new course of study as a writer or teacher.

Today, I saw a blurb in the paper called, “Write Your Own Column.”  I guess you send in your stories and they pick from those to appear in the paper. I’m exactly sure but I’m going to try.

The Goddess winks. Oh, yes she does.

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Wilbur and Other Schtuff

August 3, 2009 at 12:16 am (AZ, Beading, Cats, Chico, Friends, Music, Work)

Many of you have wondered about the adorable Wilbur. Does he really have horse teeth? Does he really resemble a pink pig with an arachnid girlfriend? Actually, he looks more like a baby Ewok.

Wilbur…

Wilbur 006

Ewok baby…

ewok

Stunning, isn’t it?

I named him Wilbur because its just a ridiculous name and… well… he’s fat as a pig. Here he is with Chico.

Wilbur 007

It would appear that Wilbur is half Chico’s body size and you would be right.  Something is just wrong with the fact that my 2 1/2 week old kitten is half the size of my 5 1/2 month old dog.

Wilbur is still smaller than me.

Wilbur 003

Went to see a local production of “Rent” this afternoon. Rosie has one of the lead roles (he’s Mark) and we’re all ganging up and going to see him in spurts. It was excellent. With the talent we have around here, you don’t need to go to New York, plus you get to go backstage and hang with the actors and their families.

Wilbur 013 That’s Rosie’s sister with us. She rocks.

Oh yes, and there’s my new bling-bling.

Wilbur 009 This is the new necklace I made. I bought a book by Laura McCabe and took some projects she had and used it to make myself something. The stone is a vintage copper Swarovski triangle. I did have it in a ring, but it was crude so I popped it out and decided to make something to match the outfit I had on today.

I’m supposed to write AZ a letter and let him know how I feel. Funny, after all of those years of writing to him, I can’t find a thing to say other than, “YOU’RE A MORON!”  I think my counselor wants something a bit more than just, “You’re a moron!” 

Listening to “Rent” really helped give me a better perspective on things and I really just need to get a better attitude and look at the bright side, while dealing with the dark side. And give AZ a piece of my mind.

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