Hello… Is This Thing On?

March 1, 2010 at 12:23 pm (Alice in Chains, Attitude in Overdrive, Music, My Travels, Nate, Relationships, Work, Writing)

Hi, it’s me, Peach. I know, I haven’t been around and there is a good reason for that.

First, I’ve been writing a lot of fiction and some memoir and otherwise trying to get my shit together to apply to graduate school. I talked to an admissions counselor at my first choice college and I really, really liked his attitude and he seemed impressed with my perseverance. I am nothing if I am not perseverant, persistent, tenacious, pertinacious, stubborn, and obstinate. All of which mean the same thing … just a show of force.

I am also blogging because Evil Twin’s Wife asked me the other day if I was “ever going to post again.”  I suppose even though she can call me anytime and sometimes we hollow out an evening to sip wine and converse, it isn’t the same as reading my thoughtful commentary on life. Heh.

I am so thankful I feel the Earth finally warming up. I woke up this morning at 2:40 or so and felt the shift from winter to ….ahhhhh, almost Spring. I still think we’re in for a few more snow storms but none are on the horizon for this week. This is really good, because I’m leaving Wednesday morning to go see Alice in Chains in DC. I found out this morning that Huntington, WV is in the just announced new shows and I’m thrilled because I will be able to take Nate to his first AIC show! And, I get to see them again.  Win, win!

Which leads me into the next topic: Reality TV.  I read that Jerry and Sean are not a fans of Celebrity Rehab. Former Alice bassist, Mike Starr, is on the show this season. I am not a fan of reality TV. I don’t watch Idol, Survivor, Jon, Kate, Eight, Duggars, or any of the others. I feel I have enough drama in my own life, none of which I want. However, I knew that Mike was on the show this season, yet still did not watch it, until yesterday.

Since Jerry and Sean had expressed their disgust of the situation, I thought I may want to check it out. I watched the last three episodes first. I cried the whole time and it wasn’t a cathartic cry, it was a hurt cry. I was glad that I got to see and hear Layne Staley’s mother’s thoughts on Layne’s death and her encouragement to Mike. The family section was extreme and difficult. I’ve walked a mile in their shoes and the miles stretch on ahead of me.

It was so disturbing that I spent time just laying in the bathtub listening to Alice, contemplating the horrible ways that my life, my son’s life, and our psyches have been impacted by addiction and alcoholism.  I had tried to explain to T-Bird the other night what it was like to be alone raising your child, to have the responsibility that your decisions will forever impact their lives and that burden has shifted to your shoulders alone, at least, that’s the way it feels.

I also found the show disturbing because I identified so strongly with their stories that it brought all sorts of things to the surface for me. Not just in my relationship with addicts, but in my relationships with abusers and how I deal with things. I’ve talked to my counselor about things along those same lines and MacKenzie Phillips said something on there about not walking around pain but going through the middle of it.  That really hit home.

One of my worst faults is trying to pretend I don’t have feelings. If I work hard enough at convincing myself I don’t have feelings then no one can hurt them. Which is ridiculous, especially considering I am one of those people that wears their emotions on their face and I shoot it out of my eyes in all directions. (I have a sort of funny story about that.)

I am also well aware I have feelings, a shit-ton of them as a matter of fact. Some are sunny and happy, others, not so much. It’s dealing with the “not so much” that I have trouble with, that, and just admitting that I don’t have sunny, happy feelings and just admitting that shit hurts, a whole hell of a lot, and that I’m scared and frightened for myself and my son and where our lives are going. One thing to say it, another thing to actually process it and release it to a point where it doesn’t wake me up in the middle of the night.

Jerry and Sean were upset because they felt as though their friend, who is a serious, long time, poly drug abuser, is being exploited. I can’t say I agree with that because he knew he was going to be televised and agreed to all of that shit, at least to the degree that a drug addict can. He chose to make his private hell a public one. I’m not sure why, everyone has their own reasons. Plus, it IS reality TV and it doesn’t get much more exploitive than that.

Personally, I found it disturbing and not at all cathartic, just a reminder of what it is like to deal with addiction and how much it fucks you up. It reminded me of what it is like to be thrown away by an addict for their drug and that is a really shitty pain.  So it reminded me of the issues that I still have to work on, big deal. I’m reminded of that everytime I go to my counselor.

What also disturbed me were some of the comments on the message boards… “I’m so addicted to watching this show!” Well, obviously you’ve never dealt with an addict, lady.

Obviously you have never wished that a person in your life would be one of the ones to seek treatment.

However, what I did find the most interesting were the brain scans.  Jeff liked to point out to me that his liver enzymes were spot on, neener, neener. Well, you dumb fuck, your liver might be made of steel, but you have had more than one alcoholic seizure, just like the one Mindy McCready had. Yep, you may die with a healthy liver, but the alcohol is eating your brain away. Neener, neener.

I got stuck in traffic behind that fucktard the other day and he slowed down to like 20 mph. Like I WANTED to be stuck in traffic behind him, of all the fucking people in the world. Yep, that tends to bring things to the surface as well. Don’t you wish you were a fly on the wall at my counseling sessions??? Some sweet stuff goes on in there.

Okay, so let’s lighten this post a little. I will tell you the sort of funny thing I mentioned from above. As a server and bartender there are a couple of things that really irritate me. One is ignoring me when I come to your table.  I don’t even wait anymore. If you don’t acknowledge me, I will walk away and serve the other people in my section and I will come back to you when I’m done with them. I have no problem with waiting to take your order if you want to catch up with your friend, but you need to communicate that to me, not ignore me.

My next irritation is glass rattling. This most often occurs with glasses that have ice in them and it’s the sound of the ice rattling in the glass when you shake it at me. This form of non-verbal communication really pisses me off. I assure you I am not blind and can most certainly see that you need another drink and will also ask you if you would like the same.  The other night a young man shook his glass at me. It didn’t have ice in it, but it had the same effect. This young man had been fine until the point his friend showed up.

I felt my eyebrow go up and I’m certain I shot daggers out of my eyes because he got a look of , “Oh shit, I think I just fucked up.”  His glass stayed on the table for the rest of the evening and he was super polite.  I work very hard to keep a calm, composed look on my face, especially when it is busy. If I’m calm, then my guests are calm. If I look stressed, my tables will stress.

Such was the case as I attempted to take an order the other night, at the table beside of the glass rattler. There were six people at the table and one of the women was braying like a scalded donkey, I mean, laughing at everything the guy two seats away from her was saying in a loud and obnoxious manner. Sure, have fun, have all the fun you want, but please, not at the expense of every diner near you.

I had taken everyone else’s order and he kept on making jokes, the lady would bray, he would make a joke, the lady would bray, I felt like I was in Groundhog DayMinute. It was almost to the point where I was going to say, “I’ll come back for your order,” thus delaying all of the other orders at the table because of one jackass, when one of the other diners at the table said, “You know, she has other tables.” I almost swallowed my tongue.

The guy looked over and said, “You do?”

I smiled and said, “I do.”

The other diner added, “Several.”  Needless to say, the guy made a quick selection and moved on. This did not stop them from being so loud I was embarrassed for them, but it did give me the opportunity to serve the food and ship them off to the bar.

(Our bar at the restaurant.)  She was seated to the far right at the high top barely visible in this picture and I could hear her braying all the way at the service line in the back. It gave me a headache.

I don’t guess that really lightened things did it?  Oh, did I mention that RM is going to a different location so now I have another new RM? The good thing about old RM, although we had had some serious toe-t0-toe confrontations, was he knew what the hell he was doing. New RM? No. I think he’s trying a little but I also feel a great deal of apathy from him.  *Sigh*

I do have something for the “My Kid is Hilarious” file. When I tell Nate to do something (or not do something), he has gotten in the habit of mumbling under his breath, when I ask, as I always do, “What?” He looks up in all innocence and says, “What?” As though nothing as happened.  This makes me laugh out loud which is really just a way of squelching the desire to tuck his long-haired head under my arm pit and knuckle his head until we’re both bleeding.

This is getting more difficult as he is now just a mere 1/16th of an inch shorter than I am… with size 11 feet. Oy.

That’s all the love and happiness I can spread around today. Guess I’ll be back in another couple of months. Ya’ll take care.

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