# 400…

January 31, 2005 at 6:25 pm (Uncategorized)

And its a wild one… get in, sit down, shut up and hold on.

My mother called me Saturday after I had left a message for her. I saw a familiar name in the obituary section and thought it might be a friend of their’s. Since they don’t get the evening paper until very late, I thought I would give them a head’s up. It ended up not being who I thought it was but she launched into a blow by blow of the past two weeks and I diligently and duly listened to all of her gossip about people I don’t know.

I was talking to her about Nate and his defiance, when she said, “Oh, well I’ve tried talking to him, encouraging him. I told him that the man is the head of the house and the breadwinner.”

That’s all it took. I saw ten shades of red and jumped down her throat so far I saw what she had for dinner. I was LIVID. Now, I understood the comment Nate had made to me: “Wow Mom, I don’t know what you would ever do without Daddy…” Huh? WTF? I wanted to say that I didn’t need his father, never had, never would but I said instead, “No, Nate, I think you meant, what would you ever do.” He gave me a funny look at the time and now it all came home to me.

Then my Mom tried to backtrack and explain that she told him she only wanted him to do well in school so he could get a good job so his wife could stay home with their children. I asked her how she thought it would affect him if his wife made more money than him or didn’t want to stay home? Where is the respect for women who work? And how DARE she undermine my authority by saying that MEN ARE THE HEAD OF THE HOME??

“But I told him that in your instance that you were the head of the house.” I guarantee you this… what Nate heard, based on what has gone on around here, is “Men are the head of the house.”

She has issues with the fact Nate still sleeps in my bed. She had the gall, the fucking nerve, to ask me what I was going to do when he turned over against me in his sleep and had an erection. I told her that my son started having erections upon birth and I in no way intended for him to be sleeping with me when his erection was bigger than a spring mushroom and I thought she was disgusting. Nate and I have talked about him moving into his bedroom. He knows its coming, as soon as I get all the crap out of his room, and he accepts it.

Gee, wonder if I should tell Sperm Donor to stop kissing Nate on the mouth, hugging him and telling him he loves him? For the record, my friend Markus in Germany, still greets his mother, sister and father with a kiss on the mouth and a hug and he’s 34 years old. He even greets me that way because he sees me as a family member. And he’s just as much a man as men who don’t.

My mom spends all this time bitching about how emotionally withdrawn my dad and brother are… small wonder when forced into the role of “man.” NO emotion, NO feelings… only strength. Well, I got news for you and her. I’m one of the most emotional people I know and I’m still strong as an ox.

I sat down with Nate this evening and had a short but stern talk with him. In no uncertain terms I told him that I’m the boss. Period. I told him what I expect from him and I told him what the consequences are if he does not comply and that regardless of how he thought he could outwit, out-talk, out-think, or out-manuever me that, I wrote the book. I’m tough and I’m stubborn and he does not want to go up against me. I said, “You are one smart little boy.” And he asked, “Smarter than you Mommy?” I laughed and I said, “Son, I’ll always have 25 years of life experience over you. Don’t ever forget it.”

He got a sort of, “Oh shit, the gig is up” look on his face. When I told him that I had talked to his daddy and compared his behavior there to his behavior here, he at least had the good grace to look a bit guilty. Just goes to show that he knew all along and was just waiting for Mommy to get with the program and in a very succinct motion, put her damn foot down… hard.

I guess he’ll get me trained someday.

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Now Serving # 399

January 30, 2005 at 7:38 pm (Uncategorized)

That’s right… number 399. My 399th post. Which is not right really since that includes pictures and posts that I wrote but didn’t post. Since Blogger won’t count anymore, I did. Yes, I do have better things to do.

This weekend has been okay. I’ve been dealing with Nate and my sick cat. One of the kittens is ill with, I’m assuming, Coccidia. Nasty little intestinal parasite that most cats contract and build an immunity to without any problems. Stress lowers the immune system and obviously something has irritated Emmett because he’s not doing so well. Amazing how a perfectly healthy, roly poly kitten can become a bag of bones in two or three days. He’s on my lap right now, wrapped in a washcloth. He’s been laying out by the furnace too. I’ve been trying to keep him warm because he’s lost most of his body fat.

He is eating and drinking so that’s a plus. He’s getting special meals with a vitamin in them and I’ve been watching him pretty close. Coccidia really can’t be ‘killed’, it can only be thwarted momentarily by sulfa drugs until the cat has an opportunity to build the immunity. In the environment though, the only thing that can kill it is …. ammonia. So, I got two brand new litterboxes for everyone to use while I disinfect the others. Amazing how its just ONE. Always ONE. I’m not complaining. I would rather it be just ONE as opposed to all 11.

MJ went home with Sissy on Friday. She was supposed to take Emmett but he was so sick I gave her the hyper, cranky one. One down, three to go. Nate complained loudly about giving the kittens away so I told him to pick out four of the other ones…. Needless to say, he decided we should give the kittens away. :o)

Enough of that.

Things I rarely buy at the store:

Potato Chips
French Onion dip
Snacks containing sugar
Junk food in general
Pop/soda/sugary drinks of any kind

What I bought at the store:

Potato Chips
French Onion dip
Raisin snack cake
Donuts

Guess what time of the month it is? I don’t like salt very much, except… ahem, a certain salty thing but I cook only with a minimum of salt and I don’t salt my food afterwards, unless its just really needs it.

Speaking of food and diets… I’ve been researching diet changes for Nate regarding his ADHD. I guess for myself too. Still researching…

Okay, I gotta go get Nate in the bathtub… work a bit and then get Nate in the bed etc. See ya later.

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The Nate Update

January 27, 2005 at 8:51 pm (Uncategorized)

I came by and everything had changed, who’s blog was this anyway? Kick ass post btw!
Sean

Thanks Sean and glad to see you. I’ll swing by your place soon for the update!
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The donor could… hahahhaha! Home… **Snort** school…. Hahahahaha! Whew, that’s rich!

Ok, whew, ok, yeah… I’m ok. Got it under control now… **snicker giggle** Ahhh, that’s like ME saying the donor could home school. Oh crap, I’m gonna start laughing again!

This is why I chose the school for Em that I did–Nate, Zelda’s kid, all the other kids who want to LEARN and aren’t interested in fulfilling someone else’s criteria. I’m going to go online and see if there’s a comparable school near you. I’ll email you, Sweetheart.
Aimee

You and AJ both mentioned the same thing… and as I told AJ, having Sperm Donor in anyway involved is disasterous. He does more harm than good. He has no patience and ends up pointing fingers and shouting and berating Nate. Like Nate needs it. I’ve looked into every program in this area…. nuttin’. More below.
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That is why I homeschool. I have one in front of the box, one behind the box, and the rest are at various different places inside the box. I have one visual, one auditory, and one verbal learner. We have so many different types around here it confuses me! lol.

You can make them fix an IEP for Nate, specially worked for him, EJ has one, and it really helps him.

GOod luck, and go show them what Nanner is made of!
angi

They like to pretend his under an IEP but it doesn’t meet Federal guidelines. They hear “IEP” and suddenly everything we had discussed earlier is being implemented and then trashed. Wish I could home school.
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I notice the same thing that Zelda does about our little girl. However, I think it’s quite important for her to know society’s “rules”. That’s just information she can use in the future to her own advantage the way she sees fit. So, I encourage her to continue to do what the teachers want while at the same time allowing her to learn on her own at home or with me.
Jethro

That’s all you can do. There’s nothing worse for a child’s self esteem than to always be on the teacher’s bad side.

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Inanna threaten to sue them for failing to educate your son. They had a year to get him ready for the next grade and they didn’t do their job. So they need to pick up the cost for his added school year. I know people this worked for.
Trashman

After careful consideration, this is not my chosen path, although I am considering action under IDEA.
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I like your new template.

Read Howard Gardner for good information on your conundrum. He created the theory of multiple intelligences and has an operation here at Harvard where they teach teachers how to respect different learning styles. V. interesting stuff.
Sloth

Thanks Sloth. I actually did a lot of research today and Gardner came up. So did a lot of other stuff.

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Why oh why do school districts do this to children and parents. I mean there has to be a happy medium here people! Have you thought about a Montisorri (sp?) environment?
Kristin

I talked to Montessori today Kristin. They won’t accept him because he’s too old and won’t be able to adjust to the environment (regardless of the fact the Montessori environment has be recommended).
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I understand where you’re coming from. On the 9th I go to the school for the final discussion w/my son’s school about his delay and if he qualifies for special ed. I had to do everything myself as far as discovering he may have a problem. Otherwise, they just would have held him back and said “Oh well”. I also had to be the one to put him in private tutoring, even though they should have started after-school tutoring as soon as they saw he was falling behind. Has the school sent you all the paperwork as far as your parental rights?
Beckie

Beckie, my best wishes to you and your son. I fear you will soon learn you are your son’s one and only advocate. You know you can deduct stuff like that on your taxes??? Check into it for next year and this year too. (I think you have to itemize your deductions though). And they don’t send information about my rights or Nate’s… that would mean they are actually thinking of not trying to pull one over on less suspecting parents.

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Even with the pidgeon holing they do now for education, which can be extremely frustrating, children are still so much better off in general. No longer is it common to hear of people failing multiple grades and not graduating from High School at the very least. I know it still happens but not on the grand scale that it was. Good luck, hon, i hope you get it sorted out!
seven

No offense Seven, but I might believe that if I didn’t know that the teacher Nate has this year passed the Lonely Child with practically straight E’s last year … even in reading and math. That may be why I don’t have a lot of confidence in this school.
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Does Nate have an IEP? If not, GET HIM ONE– insist the special ed team meet with you. Do not take no for an answer. They will use every excuse to get out of testing, because districts don’t want to pay. If he’s ADHD, it should be no problem to get him into the program. Special ed is not the stigma it used to be. It is one of the few ways children who do not fit into the box can receive a quality education. At that point, get his IEP to state that he must be taught in a style that he can understand. If the flipping school does not meet that standard, they open themselves up for a lawsuit- it is defiance of Americans with Disabilities. NOW, when he’s in 8th grade, bring yourselves out here, and get his defiant little ass in my class- I enjoy the challenges, and I promise you, HE WILL NOT BE BORED!!! Good luck.
Tsarina

Tsarina, thanks for the tips and right now I’m willing to do just about anything. See below.

I spent a shitload of time today reading more research on ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder). Nate does fit the criteria in some aspects… however he is very passive as opposed to aggressive. He has shit fittin’ moments but for the most part, he is very passive, which makes him harder to “treat.” I also spent time looking in the mirror asking, “Are you part of the solution or part of the problem?”

Regardless of what the school does or doesn’t do, Nate is still my responsibility. Everything begins at home. I ordered three or four books today on ADHD, ODD, and OTM. (The OTM is One Tired Mom).

I came home and very calmly set down with Nate and talked to him about his defiance and the ADHD. He gets very anxious and talks alot when you talk to him about it. I talked to him about how I feel and how I felt as a kid and he agreed its hard to fit in. (Which he wouldn’t admit before) I also told him that just because we’re not exactly wired like other people doesn’t mean we were wrong, it just means were special. I told him that you wouldn’t expect a TV, a VCR and a PS2 to do the same things because they’re wired differently, even though they all use electricity. He seemed to “get” that analogy.

He also confided in me that he hasn’t been able to do his #3 multiplication table and I told him that today we would work on it and I asked him whether it was easier for me to go over it with him verbally or on notecards and he said he remembered things better written down. So, now he’s actually studying them sitting behind me. He likes the pink notecards.

There’s another book I want called… “Dreamers, Discoverers, and Dynamos: How to Help the Child that is Bright, Bored and Having Problems in School.” No one book is going to have every answer or even the right things to do that will work for Nate but I’m hoping by amassing more knowledge that a self-made plan, made by the one who knows him best, will have more of an effect than just carting him off to a psychiatrist. Nate is naturally distrusting of anyone who wants to test him or make him talk about things. He’s seen enough.

There is no more influential environment than home. Time to get our ducks in a row and make all this medicine worth what I pay for it. Thanks for your encouragement and thoughts. And Tsarina, I still think you’re the Number One Teacher of the Year.

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Outside the Box

January 27, 2005 at 10:56 am (Uncategorized)

How is it my son is in 3rd grade, yet reads and comprehends on a 6th grade level, is failing?

Well.. you see ma’am, he doesn’t fit inside this little box that students should fit in. He’s over here in front of the box.

*scowl*

I believe he may be a bit behind in math.

Well, I’m sorry but see he doesn’t fit inside this box. He’s actually a bit behind the box.

*sneer*

He’s a very visual learner …

We don’t make concessions for learning styles… he’ll need to be inside this box or we simply cannot educate him and you’ll have to be the one to ground him and beat him into submission so he conforms to the standards of the box. Deviation from the box is not acceptable and he’ll have to pay the consequences for being smarter and having a different learning style and basically operating outside the box.

*stare…. drool drips from bottom lip*

Federal law states that you must make allowances for his disability and how it affects his learning.

We don’t care what Federal law says because we’ll find a way around it. You will make him fit into this box or we’re going to make your life miserable and his too. So, just make him fit in the box.

Fuck your box.

We don’t allow that type of talk around here… would you like to be escorted from the building, arrested as a terrorist and thrown in Federal Prison? Because we can do that too.

I will not give up. I will not give in.

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Writer’s Block

January 26, 2005 at 6:15 pm (Uncategorized)

Yay. I finally was able to kick around with Picasa, Hello, PhotoImpression, Adobe Photoshop etc. and got some pics uploaded to my photoblog for inclusion in my pictoral post. I don’t feel like it now. Go look at the pics and guess the story leading into each one. Have fun.

I am calm today. Perhaps it is my sleepiness which has drawn me into a mellow state of affairs. Thoughts wind among themselves like rambles of brambles and nothing seems to snag me. Nothing seems that important that I want to waste more than a moment contemplating it yet I find myself contemplative of my serenity.

Its a feeling of Spring, when the March winds blow and the sunlight is finally warm again. The feeling of laying on an Earth that is still cold and shivering from winter’s breath and warming it with our thoughts of Summer.

Its been over a month since the Oak King wrestled the Earth from the Holly King and awaits the maiden Goddess to marry, knowing that each year he is destined to curl into her womb as a new babe while his brother draws us again into darkness.

I check my three e-mail accounts and find my “Best of Beliefnet” newsletter. The headline? “Why The Dead Want Our Attention.” I smiled. They are very good at linking other articles previously featured. Good and bad. I am reminded that there are many who do not believe as I do and they don’t want anyone else to believe either.

I am a healthy skeptic. Anyone who blindly follows will be lead astray eventually. I understand both sides of the mystery… the side that is skeptical and the side that knows how difficult it is to interpret the signs, the voices, the feelings.

I could work on this. I could also take up ballet again. I nurture many things but my body never seems to be one of them. I also do not nurture what’s over my left shoulder. Why me? I wonder what they want. They have to want something, right? I assume when someone taps me on the shoulder that they want something. The time, directions, to tell their family member they know she was going to name her child “Noel.”

Perhaps though, its the tap on the shoulder where someone hands you a dollar bill which fluttered from your pocket, a mitten, or a package which slips from the bottom of the pile. Maybe they want to give me something. Perhaps they would like a mutual aid agreement. You help me, I’ll help you.

“You tell people freaky things that make them look at you strange and we’ll help you clean your house.”

“I was thinking more on terms of deep everlasting love and the lottery.”

“No.”

“Worth a shot.”

I was… what? Tagged. Yeah, tagged by Seven to answer something about music. So…

Random 10

1. You Got Another Thing Comin’ – Judas Priest
2. Jane – Jefferson Airplane
3. All I Ask Of You – Phantom of the Opera
4. Fantasy – Aldo Nova
5. Megalomaniac – Incubus
6. Slither – Velvet Revolver
7. Rock You Like A Hurricane – The Scorpions
8. Sure Know Something – Kiss
9. Night Train – G N R
10. Jack’s Texas Music – Jack

Total # of music files on computer:
11

Last CD you bought:

“Contraband” by Velvet Revolver (linked at the right with the sexy silhouette)

Last song you listened to before this post:

“The Reason” – Hoobastank

Name five songs you often listen to or mean a lot to you:

1. Don’t Stop Believin’ – Journey
2. Damned If I Do – Alan Parsons Project
3. Madelaine – Winger
4. Small Town – John Cougar Mellencamp
5. The Rose – Bette Midler

I guess I’m supposed to pick other people?? Any volunteers?

Oh well.

I went to The Sound of Muzik blog today. I got there through Sigmund, Carl & Alfred, the irreverent blog with the heading: This blog is dedicated to the world of bloggers, many of whom exhibit more than mild symptoms of various personality disorders. If you have a blog, sooner or later, you’ll be on the couch – Sigmund,Carl and Alfred. This is one guy who talks like he’s three and he’s calling the rest of us crazy? Its like everything else in Blogland, its funny, so who cares.

Back to “The Sound of Muzik.” He posted a list of words and asked that you make up new meanings. Here’s what I came up with:

Masticate: The act of spoon-feeding ideologies to a large group of people.
dastard: The illegitimate child of a dyslexic.
Grunion: a smelly Nirvana fan.
Truckle: A large amount of cash
Palimpsest: the reduction in the size of the male genitalia following the payment of Truckles to the mother of a dastard.
Paralipsis: Congruous collagen injections.

Oh look, I don’t have writer’s block anymore.

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Testing

January 25, 2005 at 7:29 pm (Uncategorized)

I’m trying to test out my new skillz… if I have any…

Beaded necklace and earrings I made for AJ’s daughter

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Fudge!

January 25, 2005 at 4:19 pm (Uncategorized)

I had a pictoral post planned and actually posted it last night but the pics needed re-sized and I’m pixel-illiterate and even frantic IMs to Seven last night at 2 a.m. did not fix the problem and I realized I would probably have to start over from scratch with re-scanning, re-sizing in my scanner software and then re-loading to Photobucket. BTW, the pics last night filled up the entire screen. I know you guys love me and all, but talk about up close and personal… geez.

I was doing a pictoral because I have nothing to say. Mark it down. I got nuttin’. I have a multitude of thoughts swimming in my head and a myriad of emotions that I am not ready to allow to surface for the breath of air that they desperately need to live. (Maybe I do have something to say.)

I don’t want them to live… therefore I try to drown them in the bile at the bottom of my stomach. I told Green-Eyed Lady in an e-mail that since Kansas City, when I opened the Third Eye, I have been unable to close it. Its like they saw their chance and now refuse to back down. Then I’m faced with the shoulder tapping, *whisper* and I turn and look behind me, searching for the source, knowing its not back there or below me or above me… its inside. Its only my perception that they stand behind and a little to the left.

Writing that makes me realize that I don’t recall ever turning to the right when I feel “that feeling.” T-Bird made a remark to me after I told her that I had pulled quite a few shots to the left and down when I went shooting. She said, “You ride the yellow too. You pull to the left when you drive.” I hadn’t thought of that before. I am the personification of right-brained. Maybe that’s why I pull to the left… ??? Am I so right-brained that it affects the leaning of my body?

That’s not a serious question so please don’t rack your brains… left or right. Another thing, I was talking to someone today who asked me to “read” them. I gave him the standard disclaimer, “You asked for it.” I pictured him in my mind’s eye and started “seeking,” “searching,” “scanning.” It was like listening to a record played backwards… hits and misses. Which is unusual. I couldn’t figure out why I was having such a hard time pinning down his energy. I realized later, it was because he was mobile. MOBILE! HA! His energy wasn’t being absorbed and transmitted, it was bouncing.

Now, that would explain how its easier through written word of any kind (IM, e-mail, letters) to “read,” because they, the person, are stationary and the energy is concentrated. Probably. There are no definites. Ever.

*Muse* *Muse* *Muse*

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Shorts!

January 24, 2005 at 1:08 pm (Uncategorized)

SHORTS MY ASS!

No shorts here damnit! TWO degrees this morning when I woke up… UGH! Yet, a heatwave compared to Bangor, Maine where it was -29 with windchill and somewhere in Minnesota it was -56 or something. Pipes didn’t freeze so I’m good to go.

I AM FLYING TO BOSTON FEBRUARY 18TH!!!
Why? Oh Why? Am I going to yet another COLD ASS place? My buddy Troy, JAG/Airman, is being re-deployed to the Middle East. Okay, actually he VOLUNTEERED because no one else in his office would. Either that’s bravery, stupidity or boredom. I think its boredom. When I expressed my displeasure, he said, “What else do I have to do?” For someone who is going to join the ranks of another government agency with three initials that spies on people once his time is up in four months, I thought I had better deploy myself to the frozen Northeast and see him. It could be years before I see him again. :o(

THINK OF ME… THINK OF ME FONDLY

I went to see “Phantom of the Opera” this weekend with PC. He laughed at me because I cried. I hit him about the face and shoulders which caused him to laugh more. I think I will take Nate to see it next weekend. I would like him to have an appreciation for opera and this movie is INCREDIBLE. PC said he thought it was more moving and emotional than the stage version because we were “closer to the action.”

Then we went shooting. So, he laughs at me and then puts a .22 caliber pistol in my hand and then a .45. I’ll post pics tonight. (Was this the smartest thing to do?)

SEVEN

Thanks to everyone for your thoughts on my new look. I sweet-talked Seven into it once I saw his design for Reama. Did a fabulous job didn’t he? He’s for hire.

CHARMS

I’m crazy about Italian charms now… the ones that go on the bracelets that Jamie got for us and brought to Kansas City. I want to have one bracelet completely for bloggers. I found several… “One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor” but then I found “I love Margaritas” and the State of Texas and “Who’s Your Daddy” and “Twins” and a turtle, “I love shoes,” “I love my Pug,” “I love my Weenie Dog,” “I Love S.F.,” “No-Cal”, “So-Cal,” “All Your Bases Are Belong to Us,” “Trailer Trash,” “7,” “I Love to Screw,” “Spongebob,” “100% Democrat” or “Republican,” a celtic cross, “I love California,” the Superman symbol and the word “Girl” and tons more, if that gives you any idea.

Actually it would fill up almost two bracelets as I have a small wrist and can only fit 16 charms on. Plus, I found this AWESOME witch one!!!

I must have it! I’m also getting one that says BLOGGER!! Another, MUST HAVE!!!

Okay, now I must work…right after I hit some blogs…

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All Over the Map!

January 21, 2005 at 8:23 pm (Uncategorized)

Mardi Gras Goodness

My cousin K.K. sent me a King Cake in celebration of Mardi Gras!!! Its beautiful and I don’t have my camera nor any film but it looks just like this one. I will be posting some of her art work in the near future. (Its a cream cheese one… YUM!) Speaking of Mardi Gras… the special at the bagel shop was Cajun turkey and jalepeno cheese and someone told me they had a Mardi Gras parade around here somewhere… now they tell me. Heh. But I still got beads.

Cold and Snowy

Its cold and snowy here!! Three inches, not a lot, but enough. BUT! I am toasty warm thanks to Aimee, who was kind enough to sew my buttons that I bought in Kansas City on my coat. I haven’t had any buttons on my coat in three years. Thanks AIMEE! *smooch* *poink*

Frazzle Dancing

Thanks for all of your advice and encouragement with Tall-Dark & Green. Like I said in my comments, I used to share every mushy-gushy gesture, every word, thought, feeling etc., then it all went to hell in a handbag. I’m still processing a lot of feelings myself. I was sitting at my desk this morning thinking “I’m scared.” I’m trying not to think about the reasoning behind that right now. I’m on sensory overload. Could also be the fact there is so much sexual tension between us I want to throw him down, rip his clothes off, and just… you know.

He’s out of town though. Wha! And Thank the Goddess! No sex to interfere with my thought processes. No, I have no restraint. Forget it. The last thing I need is to confuse lust with any other emotion… although lust is nice. He lusts me too but we both realize lust isn’t what keeps people together forever. Got to have something else. Luckily, we do.

People At The Door

I should say “Men At The Door,” as, in addition to Alien, I have had a proliferation of those with penises pounding on my door. That didn’t sound right. Anywho. My EX-boss called me at 11:30 the other night as I was finishing up an e-mail to Alien. Not that I’ve quit my job… NO, NO (more on the job in a sec). This was the boss that I hated from five years ago. Yep. He wanted to fuck me.

Now, let me be real clear about how I feel about T.T. I. LOATHE. HIM.

LOATHE. LOATHE.

The reason for this is he made three years of my life complete and utter hell. Not that I didn’t learn a lot and for that, I give him props. Otherwise, No. So I tell him, “T.T. before you called, I was horny and really wanting to get laid. I mean, really wanting some dick. And you just made me realize that I DO HAVE LIMITS!” Can you believe he didn’t hang up on me??? Yeah, me neither!

He practically begged me. NO, I did not have sexual relations with that man when I worked for him. Heh. Except I’m a lot more honest than Ole Billy Boy. No blue dresses in the back of MY closet. He said he’s always wanted to do me. Well, want in one hand and shit in the other and see which one gets full fastest. I unloaded a lot of shit that’s been hanging around in my mind for five long years. He did say that I was much more direct now than I used to be.

Its called SELF-ESTEEM, MU-THA-FUCK-A!!! On to my real job.

The Job

With all the excitement of Kansas City, I forgot to mention I GOT A RAISE!!! And am I earning every freakin’ penny of it!! I have been busier than a one-armed paper hanger in an ass kickin’ contest. This is why you haven’t seen me lurking about your blogs as normal. Yeah, between my case load, upcoming trial and this new medicine, shit, I actually WORK NOW! What a bummer! :o) Really? I’m thrilled. It makes me feel so much better at the end of the day.

Now, to just get the shit at home together. And sleep would be nice.

Ya’ll have a nice weekend!

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Let’s Do “The Frazzle Dance”

January 20, 2005 at 2:57 pm (Uncategorized)

Stand up. Push your chair back, give yourself lots of room. (I meant it, get up, off ya butt, push ya chair back…)

Now. Extend your arms out to the side like you’re a bird or something… ya know, with wings. Now bend your elbows and bring your hands toward your face like you’re going to fan yourself. Check to make sure you have enough room.

Rapidly vibrate your hands up and down until you feel a good breeze. Move from foot to foot with knees slightly bent (this takes pressure off the lower back) and then begin to move like you are stepping on hot coals… don’t forget the hands, the hands must vibrate…

Are you doing this? Now, say, “frazzle, frazzle, frazzle, frazzle, frazzle, frazzle, frazzle…” as fast as you can while vibrating your hands and hopping from foot to foot… it must be frenzied, like the hot coal thing. This is The Frazzle Dance. (I stole it from Slim the Walking Stick in “Bug’s Life.”)

I do this when shit happens… good shit… bad shit… or to let people know, I’M FRAZZLED!! So, I’m frazzled.

Ya know, life is I-RON-IC! (Please say that with an Australian accent…sounds so much better – damn! That reminds me that I didn’t do any of my accents in Kansas City! Nor did anyone see my tattoo!! Focus Nanner… where was I? OH.) I-RON-IC. Now I sound like Tarzan (GOR-RIL-LA). If you don’t know what I’m talking about go rent a Disney movie!!

So, last week, I wrote this: I’m not sure how to break this cycle. Its not like I have men beating down my door to give it a whirl with. Hold on, someone’s at the door… That’s the irony… I say that… and… hold on… someone’s at the door… suddenly the floodgates open, the Earth shifts track, the moon is full… hold on.. someone’s at the door…

Anyway, I distinctly remember telling Aimee or Katey or Celti or more than one, that perhaps I would meet my One in the hotel lobby. Tall, dark hair, green eyes… hold on… someone’s at the door. But then I said this: I suppose I may use that as a mechanism to keep myself from being vulnerable and actually having to commit and be intimate in a relationship. Its the same thing with Lex, except he does it to me, which pisses me off, yet I have done it others, which pissed them off. Actually, I said this part first and then I said the other part.

My point is… even if I did meet Mr. Tall-Dark & Green.. WTF was I supposed to do with him? Am I ready for that? So… what would happen say if I did meet Mr. Tall-Dark & Green for real. And he says, “Gurrrl, you are the most precious thing I’ve encountered…”

Let’s say I did meet Mr. Tall-Dark & Green… and we have this incredible connection… enough that I’m doing The Frazzle Dance. Enough that I’m sitting back wondering, did I really do something so wonderful as to deserve this? It must have been something pretty damn good. How did this happen? I asked with specificity didn’t I? That’s what I get… a gift from the Goddess herself.

I do not turn my back on an opportunity. I have backed away from quite a few and this time, I didn’t. I haven’t moved. Not forward. Not backwards. In my “103 + 1 Things About Me” post, I said, “I have a fear of commitment because I have a fear of abandonment. My brain thinks if it isn’t committed then it can’t be abandoned.” Its that I’m afraid to put myself out there and things not work out… not because “we’re not feelin’ it…” but because I’m an emotional cripple. I’m afraid of ruining it. I have no idea how to let someone into my life.

However, I am more fearful of losing this opportunity than I am of what may come of it. I don’t feel as though its a “now or never” thing, nor a “last chance” thing. I also don’t see it as “therapy” or “the opportunity to work on shit before moving on to the ‘real thing’.”

I’m just trying to see it in the simplest terms possible. Two people who have made a connection among all the people in the world and if its meant to be, it will find a way.

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