Stunned

September 17, 2009 at 10:17 pm (Crazy Shit, dreams, Faith, Family, Nate, Relationships)

Yesterday, I received a call from my attorney’s paralegal. She said they had received a letter from Jeff’s attorney stating that Jeff did not believe that he or Nate was being treated fairly by the Court, that he loved his son, but, he would be withdrawing his objection to the petition and hoped that when Nate was older that he could explain his side of things and the two could have a relationship.

That was Jeff-speak for, “I’m a drunk, I don’t want help, I don’t want counseling, I’m not changing, I’m not trying, I haven’t gotten my way, so I’m taking my booze and I’m going home. This all someone else’s fault, but not mine. Nope, I’m the victim.”

Stunned, shocked, angry, relieved, sad, disgusted, angry, amazed, angry, very angry, stunned… just a few of the emotions I experienced. And the tears. I had forgotten that I still had it in me to cry. But I did, and I cried today too.

After all I’ve been through, after all I’ve studied, after all the counseling… how could I have forgotten how strong addiction is and how absolutely delusional it makes someone. How could I have forgotten the blaming behavior and zero accountability and zero responsibility for his actions.

I know I did the right thing. It is just the saddest thing for a man, for anyone, to choose a bottle (a syringe, a toke, a smoke, a gamble, pick your poison) over their family. And, this isn’t the first time, but for us, its the last.

Last night, I had a dream I was in a hospital and I had a black eye. The black eye is the pain, the hospital is the need to heal.

Yesterday, I was driving Nate to school and a doe ran in front of my car. I had seen her coming from the side so I had already slowed to stop.  It wasn’t until later that I really understood. My grandmother sends the doe as a sign to me, and the symbol of the deer is that of gentleness, unconditional love, and kindness.  Its comforting.

Yesterday, I got a hug from my Greek Adonis, conversation, and he asked me to make him beaded cufflinks. I was trying to explain about looming and he was rather confused. He said, “I’m going to Google that so that next time I can discuss it with some intelligence.” I like the idea of having a “next time.”  He is so humble, gentle, kind, intelligent, genuine, classy, he’s fucking Prince Charming. He should be in a damn Disney movie!  He looks like he should be in a damn Disney movie.

The spirits show themselves and they nudge a little. And *deep breath* *exhale* I’m ready for that.  I’m ready for change for the better.

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Quiet Time

August 10, 2009 at 12:09 am (AZ, Faith, Friends, Music, Nate, Relationships, Writing)

Nate spent the week at my parents’. Each of the grandsons visit a week during the summer. When each of my nephews is there, Nate goes up and spends the weekend with them. I spent a lot of time working and cleaning. I finally cleaned “the dirty corner.” Just where a bunch of junk and trash ended up. I’m very happy that “the dirty corner” is clean now.  I still have a lot of things in storage containers but I’m whittling it down little by little.

I did make a trip to the bookstore and picked up, “When God Winks At You: How God Speaks Directly To You Through the Power of Coincidence,” by Squire Rushnell.  I can’t wait to get the rest of the books. Highly recommended reading. I also got a new set of Oracle cards and a new set of Tarot cards. Its part of the long journey back to the Goddess.

I’ve long known I’ve had a crisis of faith and you can’t just sit around a wish it wasn’t so, you have to consciously come back to it. The Rushnell book was recommended to me by one of my best good friends, the oldest friend I have in the world. She and I were BFFs in second grade, born one day apart, and although on the surface our lives appear to have taken very different paths, the connection and the need to be in each other’s lives has persisted.

She had looked for me on Faceb**k, but as many of you know, I don’t use my real name. However, I did look for her and luckily she does use her real name. We talked at length about faith, and as we were discussing godwinks her cellphone started beeping by itself… and the numbers 777 came up. I just shook my head and said, “See???”

After doing several readings to get used to my new cards, I realized a lot of things. First, I am always amazed at the accuracy of the cards. Second, I was able to gain some insight by studying the pattern of the cards and by finding that pattern, I was better able to put my finger on something that has eluded me.

Just knowing things about yourself doesn’t make them go away. I am angry, and I know that is a reaction to something else. I’m hurt, sad, confused, but most of all, I’m afraid. It was easy to say, “Yeah, I’m afraid of Jeff. I’m afraid of Nate having to go back there. I’m afraid of having to deal with Jeff again.”

Actually, through the cards, it really dawned on me that I’m afraid of much more than just Jeff. You know what happens when you’re afraid? You tense up and you hold on. You hold on with a death grip, out of fear, even if its something that is bad for you because change will just spike your fear again.

The cards also spoke of needing to release negative energy and healing and possible complete and utter collapse of my finances. Well, I got The Tower and that always means calamity, and I got it in the finance portion of two different readings, but then I got The Bee in my other reading, which is always a great omen. I’ve gotten those conflicting cards before.

It means my path is not laid yet. It generally shows a confusion, that I’ll be at crossroads and I’ll have to make a decision whether I’m going to have the strength to let go.  I generally believe that everyone knows it takes more strength to let go and move ahead than to sit in the same spot, treading water. It takes a lot of strength to pull all of the junk out of your closet and go through it than to just let the closet sit there like a toad.  A fat ugly toad, just like the bad spirit from “Practical Magic,” sitting in Gillian.

You can bankrupt your life in more ways than just monetarily.

“I just saw Haley’s comet, she waved, said, ‘Why are you always running in place?’ ”

I did start the letter to AZ. Somewhere really close to the beginning I realized how much I didn’t care about this situation right now. Maybe I’ll care about it later. I just realized that I’ll never have the right man in my life if I keep holding on to the wrong one for the wrong reasons. He was the wrong one, for a lot of wrong reasons.

I also have to admit, as much as it pains me, I need to mourn and grieve over this situation with Jeff. I put a lot of work, time, compassion, and hope into our relationship. Even though Jeff and I hadn’t had a romantic relationship in years, this doesn’t mean we didn’t have a relationship. I’m so very disappointed and hurt that I had to do what I’ve done for myself and Nate.

You can’t change anyone other than yourself. No matter how much work, time, compassion and hope, so much HOPE you’ve put into your relationship with them. That sucks so bad, but life isn’t fair.

There was something else in my cards too. It was the Seven of Wands, which is Rivalry. I got it twice, and it means that I’ll have stiff competition in creative endeavors and business projects. I have to move to a new level of creativity and imagination. I may embark on a new course of study as a writer or teacher.

Today, I saw a blurb in the paper called, “Write Your Own Column.”  I guess you send in your stories and they pick from those to appear in the paper. I’m exactly sure but I’m going to try.

The Goddess winks. Oh, yes she does.

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