This is a video on the New York Times website about water contamination by coal companies. I went to high school with the lady featured in the video and she lives about 5 miles from where I grew up. Very sad, folks. Very sad.
think I’ll stop running now. Ahhh, classic Forrest Gump.
I’m am actually very tired. I’ve had a cold, then I started my period. Sorry guys, but, its the truth. I had to put a heatwrap around my lower innards. This made me sweat all night and continually turn the thermostat down until everyone but me went into hibernation.
I’m still running around bumping into walls and such, waiting for the final order from the Court. I’ve had to remind myself to breath several times. I still look over my shoulder. I try to concentrate on just being a good mom and loving Nate, and holding his feet to the fire over his grades… already.
I feel the weight of the summer, Court, the fighting and the unknown so heavy on my shoulders tonight and I wonder what kind of weight he feels. I wonder where his mind wanders and what his dreams are like. His sister has been spending time here and they walk the streets at night, taking pictures of interesting things and each other. He talks to her. They share something even I don’t understand, just like her mom and I share something they don’t understand.
I try to concentrate on the good, my beading, Adonis and the opportunity to see him again, what I will wear to my class reunion, the classes Nate isn’t failing, the freedom. Okay, I’m trying to get used to the freedom. I’m still pissed the fuck off that that fucking moron isn’t taking any fucking responsibility for what he’s done. At least I’m willing to stand up and say I should have done this so long ago.
I’m a different person today. A different person than I was yesterday. Many yesterdays ago, I wouldn’t have contemplated making a play for the man of my dreams because I didn’t believe he existed for me. I knew he existed, I just didn’t realize I could have him. So, he’s 12 or 13 years younger than I am.
I remember very well the first time I looked into his eyes, when I saw nothing but blue looking back. The rush of attraction, the magnetism, that feeling. The excitement but also the comfort, so geniune in his response, and how he talked to me with his eyes.
I hope I’m not misreading him and I hope he doesn’t mind that I’m almost 39.
I would really love to have him in my life.
Yesterday, I received a call from my attorney’s paralegal. She said they had received a letter from Jeff’s attorney stating that Jeff did not believe that he or Nate was being treated fairly by the Court, that he loved his son, but, he would be withdrawing his objection to the petition and hoped that when Nate was older that he could explain his side of things and the two could have a relationship.
That was Jeff-speak for, “I’m a drunk, I don’t want help, I don’t want counseling, I’m not changing, I’m not trying, I haven’t gotten my way, so I’m taking my booze and I’m going home. This all someone else’s fault, but not mine. Nope, I’m the victim.”
Stunned, shocked, angry, relieved, sad, disgusted, angry, amazed, angry, very angry, stunned… just a few of the emotions I experienced. And the tears. I had forgotten that I still had it in me to cry. But I did, and I cried today too.
After all I’ve been through, after all I’ve studied, after all the counseling… how could I have forgotten how strong addiction is and how absolutely delusional it makes someone. How could I have forgotten the blaming behavior and zero accountability and zero responsibility for his actions.
I know I did the right thing. It is just the saddest thing for a man, for anyone, to choose a bottle (a syringe, a toke, a smoke, a gamble, pick your poison) over their family. And, this isn’t the first time, but for us, its the last.
Last night, I had a dream I was in a hospital and I had a black eye. The black eye is the pain, the hospital is the need to heal.
Yesterday, I was driving Nate to school and a doe ran in front of my car. I had seen her coming from the side so I had already slowed to stop. It wasn’t until later that I really understood. My grandmother sends the doe as a sign to me, and the symbol of the deer is that of gentleness, unconditional love, and kindness. Its comforting.
Yesterday, I got a hug from my Greek Adonis, conversation, and he asked me to make him beaded cufflinks. I was trying to explain about looming and he was rather confused. He said, “I’m going to Google that so that next time I can discuss it with some intelligence.” I like the idea of having a “next time.” He is so humble, gentle, kind, intelligent, genuine, classy, he’s fucking Prince Charming. He should be in a damn Disney movie! He looks like he should be in a damn Disney movie.
The spirits show themselves and they nudge a little. And *deep breath* *exhale* I’m ready for that. I’m ready for change for the better.
Guess what one of my dreams featured last night? I’m not sure if I had two dreams or one dream, but it seemed like two dreams. In one dream, I was in a high rise, more like a hotel, but there was bad weather outside, rain, and I felt a draft from the huge windows.
In the next dream I saw a tornado through large windows. I literally saw the vegetation being pulled from the ground, ala “Twister,” and while I ran to a stairwell and hid because I believed the windows would be blown out, the two ladies in the room with me didn’t run, and the windows didn’t blow out.
These are actually all good signs of transformation and moving on with my life. Oh, did I tell you that I dreamed I was getting married the other night? Yeah, to our bartender, Candyman. Oddly enough, I was very calm in the dream about getting married, very peaceful. This is also a good sign.
Perhaps this is because I found an odd e-mail from Jeff at my secondary e-mail. It read (with poor grammar, spelling, and punctuation preserved): “I want to congratulate you, with your win. Though lies, and being friends of the COURT you have won. I don’t know what you’ve gained, (and what harm you did to Nate, by going this path) but I hope you’re happy.”
My first response was “Huh?” I don’t see us agreeing with the Court’s suggestion that he and Nate undergo counseling at the same place and letting the doctor decide as to when or if they would have counseling together and future visitations as a win. I was under the impression we had an AGREEMENT, not a win or a loss. Besides, no one really wins.
Nate said, after I told him about the e-mail, said, “That sounds like a great e-mail to me!” I said, “Why?” He said, “Because Daddy never just gives in like that.” Or something along those lines. Yeah, I know. And given that the e-mail was sent… a week after the hearing. I’m not sure what all that means. Bullshit probably.
The new counselor did tell me that Jeff had missed his initial appointment and as of that time, had not called to reschedule… being in contempt of the agreement that we both call within 48 hours of the hearing to schedule our appointments and the Court’s insistence that we all attend each and every counseling session as scheduled.
The counselor asked if I thought Jeff would be compliant with the Court’s order and I said, “Only if you don’t ask him to seek treament for his alcoholism and don’t tell him that he’s wrong about anything.”
I’m not lying. I don’t have to lie. The truth is bad enough. I’m contemplating writing a want ad in the paper to trade houses with someone who wants to live here and I’ll go live where they live, and we’ll owner sell our places to each other for the mortgage payoff, so long as they are similar. LOL! Impossible dreams are my forte.
Let’s see – Judge ordered (and we agreed so as not to yell and scream for 45 minutes) that Jeff and Nate will see the same counselor, separately, and that she will determine when they should have counseling together, and then advise the Court regarding overnight visits.
Nate is unhappy about having another counselor as he likes going to the Domestic Violence center. He’s still going to go to the Center, but just deal with different issues. We’ll know more after his first appointment with his new counselor.
When Nate and I came home last night with one of Nate’s buddies, I saw a man walking down the street toward my house. He moved over behind my neighbor’s van as though to get out of our way, but when I pulled in at my house, he turned around and started walking in the direction that he had just came from. And it was raining.
I wonder if he really thinks I’m that stupid that I don’t know its him. Moron. I guess he figured I had caught him driving around the neighborhood and now he would try a different approach.
Anyway, Nate is doing well so far with school. He’s putting a lot of effort into it, doing his homework, and he and I have the agreement that I won’t question every tiny paper in his backpack as long as his grades are good and he’s turning his work in. He’s still irritating me with getting to school on time… he likes walking in when the bell rings, which annoys me. However, he knows if he causes himself to be tardy then he loses his electronic privileges for the evening.
He seems so relaxed, happy, and so much more mature. He still has a lot of anger and hurt over his father, but I’m hopeful that counseling will continue to whittle that away and give him the tools he needs to deal with it appropriately.
We are fostering Nate’s sister’s cat, Moose. She and her mother are getting ready to move out of their current living arrangement into a place of their own. Her Mom’s boyfriend (soon to be ex), has nixed the cat living there until they can leave. So, Moose lives with me for now. He and Chico are about the same size and they play like demons. Its hilarious.
I told my mom about Moose and she said, “Well, if she doesn’t come back and get him then I’m coming down there and personally taking him to the animal shelter! You have too many pets as it is now!”
Ya’ll, my mother has serious issues. It may have gone unnoticed to her, but it isn’t lost on me that I’ll be 39 years old this year, I pay my own mortgage, and my own utilities, I pay for everything! I’ve lived on my own for 14 years and wow, I’m raising a child too. Amazing that I’ve made it this far without her controlling my every move. She’s messed up in the head.
Wilbur is a big ball of fuzz and he’s not going anywhere either. No, my mother doesn’t know about him. I’m afraid she’ll attempt a catnapping. Bizarre.
I saw AZ the other day. It was … okay. I saw him while Nate and I were out to eat. His wife, mother, and another mutual friend were with him. I’m still hurt but its fading. Seriously… I really know why he married her. She has no confidence whatsoever, and Clint and Stacy would have had a field day with her whole look that day. And he’s so self-absorbed and insecure… her letting him have the continous spotlight is perfect.
He made the comment that Nate’s hair was long… and he was so tall. Yep, that happens when they grow up. He stood there for a while until I remembered to stand up and give him a oh-yeah-guess-I should-hug-you hug. Used to be I would have jumped up and given him a real hug, but… just didn’t really feel the need. It was painful just exchanging pleasantries with him. Painful in that I didn’t really want to. I was being polite.
I described her to my counselor as a mouse, with sound effects and visuals. I cracked her up so bad she didn’t even have a chance to tell me, “No, no, not nice, examine your feelings, Grasshopper.” I said, “Well, being married to him hasn’t done her any favors.” And while I know that he and I were totally incompatible in so many ways, it still hurts, and I’m angry, and she makes me roll my eyes.
And, it pisses me off that he acts like things haven’t changed since he got married. And, naturally, he buries his head in the sand instead of addressing it. That’s his way of not dealing with it. I’m going to deal with it. He doesn’t have to participate in it, he doesn’t have to make any peace with me or it, but I do, and I will.
Ugh, that whole situation just irritates me. And, my mother irritates me. Really.
I have lost about three pounds and two inches from my waist since starting my new diet and exercise regime. I’m three inches from goal and I don’t really have a weight goal, just an inches goal for my waist and just to be healthier.
That’s about it. Have a great day.