So, we all know what happened at Nate’s school yesterday. If you don’t, read my previous post and then feel free to join us.
This morning as Nate and I were preparing to leave for school, he couldn’t find his phone so I called it. It was vibrating between the couch cushions and he has this thing where he likes to put both phones up to his ears and talk to himself. Just go with it.
I went out to the car and he followed in a few minutes. I noticed that he was carrying his book but no cellphone but was in a hurry and figured he had put it in his pocket.
After I dropped him off and was on my way back home to finish getting ready for work, I reached for my cell phone and realized I didn’t have it. The thought then dawned on me as to whether or not Nate had a) done a Nate thing and left both phones laying on the couch at home – which has happened before or b) done a Nate thing and put both of our phones in his pocket or c) done a completely un-Nate thing and taken his and left mine at home.
My suspicions for option “b” were confirmed when I arrived home and found no cellphones. Great. I hoped that Nate had realized what he had done and had turned my phone onto vibrate and stowed it either in his backpack, locker, or even taken it to the office.
The last thing he needed was more trouble.
I went to work an hour early because we’ve been renovating and have to clean in the mornings and on the way there thought about how my son should have his own reality show, “The Life of Nate.” I wanted to call Jeff and give him a heads up about the situation about the cellphones before I got started. He answered the phone on the first ring, as though waiting for my call and immediately said, “Goofy ass!”
I said, “What?”
“Goofy ass. That’s what I called Nate’s Vice-Principal, a goofy ass.” Oh shit. Is he drunk?
“Why did you call Nate’s Vice-Principal a goofy ass?”
“Because she answered your phone!”
“She did what?”
“Yeah, and she said, ‘Excuse me?’ so I said, again, ‘Goofy ass!’ then she said, ‘This is Nate’s phone that was taken away from him, who is this? *mumble mumble* Oh, well, its his mother’s phone that he put in his pocket and he turned it in to the office. And who is this calling Nate?’ and I said, ‘Well, this is Nate’s dad and I wasn’t calling Nate, I was calling Nanner.”
By this time I was halfway between completely mortified and nearly peeing my pants laughing at the thought of Jeff calling Nate’s Vice-Principal a goofy ass. Then I realized that I would never ever, unless 100% completely necessary, be able to face this woman ever again. Never ever.
Then I guess they talked about the fact that I had been in the office yesterday blah, blah, blah. Then Jeff said, “Well, I guess she knows now why Nate is the way he is.”
After I stopped crying tears of mirth and embarassment, I said, “You know, on the way to work I was thinking that Nate should have his own reality show and this pretty much cements that thought.”
By the way, Jeff was not mad at me nor did he mean anything sinister by calling me “Goofy ass.” That’s just his way of saying, “Good morning, Sunshine!”
Maybe Jeff has learned this is a better salutation.
Perhaps the Vice-Principal has learned not to answer someone else’s phone.
And just maybe, on an off chance, Nate has learned not to take my phone to school.
Goofy ass. Bwwhahahahahahahahaha!!!!
So, I took a trip to school with Nate this morning because he got after-school detention for taking a pencil that he was supposed to know belonged to his Science teacher. He gave the pencil back, apologized, and said he just wasn’t aware the pencil belonged to the teacher. Okay. So, this in addition to the other penny ante bullshit of not being prepared for class, etc. and he earned himself a two-day after-school detention.
While there, I pulled out Nate’s cellphone and showed the Vice-Principal some video Nate had taken the previous day of two boys beating the shit out of each other between the school buildings as the students were dismissed to the busses. She said, “Oh, this is why we don’t allow the children to have cellphones out during school.” I said, “What? So they can’t document all the crap that teachers aren’t seeing from their big school windows? Where is the supervision of these students????” She didn’t really have an answer.
So, Nate calls me at 5 ’til 4 to tell me, “Hey, no after school suspension today.” I asked why and he said, “Oh, the teacher isn’t here.” I’m at work and rush out to get him. Seems that the announcement was made while Nate and I were SITTING IN THE VICE-PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE.
Grrrrrr…. Not real happy here.
Yes, Nate needs to be punished for doing stupid shit that he should know better than to do. He hates school, nothing I haven’t blogged about countless times before. But sometimes… I just want to bang my head against a hard, pointy object until my brain leaks out and I no longer care that my son is in after school detention because he inadvertently took a pencil, returned said pencil and apologized, yet students are beating the crap out of each other and there isn’t a teacher in sight even though it took place RIGHT OUTSIDE OF THE CLASSROOMS ON SCHOOL GROUNDS DURING SCHOOL HOURS!
WHAT. THE. FUCK?!?
The upside? Nate’s phone takes great video… with sound. He followed the action well and got a nice close up of one boy’s busted lip. He may have found his calling.
* What the hell? Some peeps came in for lunch today and ordered a salad and burger split and then told me they had already eaten but wanted to try us out. Who the fuck goes to a restaurant when they’re not hungry so they can “try you out?” Come hungry, fucknuts.
* There’s this guy that comes in who is just hawt. He’s got more money than God, but he’s still hawt. He’s also very sweet. He offered to let me stay at his place in Wyoming if I ever made it out that way. My mind went in all kinds of bad, bad places. He’s one of those long tall guys that make you wonder if his penis will look small because he’s so tall. I can’t help it.
* Nate and Jace had a confrontation the other night. My son was trying to act like a man and my boyfriend was acting like a 12 year old. Wyoming anyone?
* I’m hoping my bud Beanie can go with me to Rock on the Range. Then I’ll have someone to hold my place while I pee and I’ll hold her place while she pees, but then my luck would be that she would meet some hot rocker in the piss line and spend the rest of the day getting laid while I suffer, sweaty, gross, and with a full bladder pressed up against the barricade. I wouldn’t blame her. This is why we’ve been friends for 25 years.
* Brown sugar and cinnamon Poptarts and Kahlua go well together. At least if you drink enough Kahlua.
* I get a buzz from the muscle relaxers in Midol.
* When my cat sneezes, I wipe his nose with a tissue just like a baby, otherwise he eats his snot, which grosses me out. I try not to think about all the snot he eats while I’m at work.
* My new co-worker was telling me about his weight loss in anticipation of an upcoming cruise. In passing he had mentioned Cher or something and was really nosy about the Assistant Manager Intern leaving. When he flipped his hand out and said, “Yeah, I’m gay,” I said, “You? Drama queen? Whoda thunk it?”
* Poptarts are the easiest food on Earth. I don’t even have to read the directions on the carton anymore.
* Do you put milk in your oatmeal? I put milk in my oatmeal to cool it off before eating. I’m thinking Kahlua might be good in oatmeal. Yeah, why don’t they make better flavors of oatmeal, like White Russian, B-52, Kahlua and Cream, or yeah baby, MARGARITA! If they can make Key Lime Pie yogurt, they can make Margarita flavored oatmeal. Or beer even, like Amberbock. I don’t suppose milk would go well with Amberbock flavored oatmeal and I have to have milk in my oatmeal. Damnit.
* I’m waiting for an opportunity to say, “Swing on this.” Its an Alice song and I just like it. I guess I would have to hang out with trapeze artists or monkeys to have that opportunity. Yard apes don’t count.
* Nate wanted me to watch a movie with him and I couldn’t because all of the characters sound like the dude from “Saw” who is also the dude who was Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs. “It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.” Nofuckingway!
* Tango is following me around because when I went outside to retrieve more Poptarts from the car, he licking out of my Kahlua and milk glass. I thought following me to the bathroom was bad, now he wants my alcohol.
* “Jar of Flies” and “Facelift” are my favorite Alice CDs. I knew you wanted to know that.
* I love men with facial hair. I liken this back to the fact my father used to grow a full beard for hunting season and you know, my daddy is one of my most favoritest people in the world. One time we went to New Orleans to visit my aunt and my daddy SHAVED HIS BEARD while we were there. No one remembered to tell me. When he stepped out of the bathroom I didn’t recognize him and screamed bloody murder. All I knew was that my daddy went into the bathroom and some strange facial-hairless dude came out.
Jerry looks hawt with a beard.
And I wouldn’t run screaming if he came out with a goatee…
(Nom, nom, nom) Nor clean shaven…
I’m flexible that way. Especially when its Jerry and Jerry is Lord of the Riff. They’re previewing bites from the new album over at aliceinchains.com. Its like a horseshoe to the brain. And because I wouldn’t want you to leave me, I’ve included some videoclips here.
Lord of the Riff…
Lots of facial hair goodness…
And this is just funny.
Now you can leave.
So, Assistant Manager Intern did leave, as in, walked out yesterday afternoon. There were many reasons for his departure. I had a passionate, tearful discussion with GM about it, among other things. She stated that he wasn’t doing his job.
I told her that perhaps he wasn’t fulfilling his duties on a paperwork/administrative level, but he certainly was fulfilling them on the floor and that, after a rather rough start in which we all wanted to string him up by his gonads, 3-4 weeks ago we had all turned a corner with him. She stated he had joined the “cliques.” I told her that there was only one clique on dayshift and that was the entire staff of dayshift.
She also took it personal when I stated that we depended on him. She took that as that we don’t depend on her. We depend on whoever comes upstairs to help and we depend on her for different things. I told her it wasn’t personal nor a reflection of what she does or doesn’t do for us. She said I was taking it personal that AMI left and I said, yeah, because I liked him, not because I didn’t think she’s supportive of us.
It was a clusterfuck. If you’ve read my blog then you know I can be just downright damned direct and I’m not afraid to tell someone what I think or how I feel. My emotions were high, my blood was hot, and I was focused. Writing that sentence actually scared me.
When I get like that, its almost like I step outside myself and all the thoughts and feelings that have been swirling around align and concentrate, kind of like the laser from the Death Star, into a beam of articulate tell it like it is, take no prisoners, put my foot down brilliance, or bullshit. Guess that would depend on what side of the laser beam you’re standing.
I’m not angry at anyone. I just don’t like how it ended. My GM may have issues, but one of mine is abandonment, so, nah. Jace even said, “Wow, I didn’t think you would take this so personal.” Well, we had to fire a server about a week ago. I didn’t feel one way or another about it. She was either late or called in or just didn’t show up. I had no investment with her whatsoever.
With AMI, we were all looking forward to Spring so we, dayshift servers collectively, could go hiking and show him some of the more rural parts of WV. We started learning more about him, coaxing the goofy grinning, head swiveling side out of him. GM missed all of that because he was doing such a good job on the floor that she didn’t need to be there. Which, I believe, is the whole point of having an Assistant Manager or Restaurant Manager.
The hell if I know, I just work there.
Restaurant Manager seems to be attempting to fly under the radar. He’s unfamiliar with our POS system, but a quick study, not very good on the computers, but he’s trying, and I told him today that I used to do payroll, so if he has any issues to let me know. It seemed his shoulders lifted a little and he laughed and said, “Everyone is better on these computers than I am!” He seems to be an okay guy. I wonder when he’s going to start asserting himself.
Then again, I’ve heard when you do your job, he pretty much leaves you alone, so I should pretty much fly under his radar.
In other news, I went an estate sale on Sunday and bought $225.00 worth of vintage jewelry that I’m estimating is worth 3-6 times that much, depending on the piece. I’ll post some pictures when I get the chance since I need to catalog it anyway. One piece in particular I believe is worth about $225.00, but, it will stay in my private collection.
I’ve been very tired, sore, achy and stiff since Valentine’s Day. Busy as hell double shifts just don’t agree with me!
Oh yeah, and I’m training a new dude on dayshift. He really got on my nerves yesterday because he’s much larger than I am and kept stepping on my heels. I was telling Nate about it and he said, “Mamma, you just need to put your foot down.”
I said, “I would have, but I was afraid he was going to step on it.” Nate just hee-hawed and laughed. I think he’ll be a good fit. He’s flaming gay, a bit of a drama queen, talks far too fucking much but he knows his serving shit. I just need him to tone down the talk and I think he’ll be fine. He really is very sweet and enthusiastic but I’m going to have to tell him tomorrow that he needs to tone down the talk because he’s wearing me out.
I hope it works better than when we tell our new line cook to shut up. He just keeps talking and fucks our food up. He swears he’s gay but does nothing but talk about girls. We all get very irritated with him. Nice guy, just won’t shut the fuck up.
Things with Jace are meh. Eh.
I’ve requested three days off in May for Rock on the Range. My boys from Black Stone Cherry are going to be there, as are Alice in Chains! And a crap ton of other bands that I really like. Woot! Now, I just need to get the tickets and a place to stay and I’m SO THERE!!! Its just in Columbus, which is 3 1/2 hours from here, so there will be no concerns about plane tickets and such.
Just need a ticket. A ticket. And a room, somewhere. I’ll make it this time!
Peace out ya’ll. As Mahala would say, “Hump it like you just don’t care!”
I guess that’s what I get for a being a bitty. I dropped an entire container of Sweet and Sour Mix concentrate this morning on the bar floor and it burst in a tidal wave of sweet ‘n sar sticky goodness, effectively coating me from ass to ankle… for nine long hours. Ugh.
We have a new restaurant manager, at least, that’s his title for now. I think everyone sees the writing on the wall that he’ll soon be our new GM. He’s the brother of one of our bartenders and has a lot of managerial experience. So far, I like him. He helped me clean up the sweet and sour mess and helped stock some odds and ends at the bar.
He acts like he’s familiar with my personality, which makes sense. His brother has worked with me, and he has also worked with Maribee and A-Rod so I’m sure they all sat and had a few beers and talked shop. Hell, I would have. I think, even though his brother works there, and he’s worked with not only A-Rod and Maribee before but also Shifty-Eyed Bartender, that he’ll be fair.
I get a good feeling from him. It helps that he’s effin’ hot, too. Too effin’ hot. Almost uncomfortable, not look at him at all as not to stare uncomfortable. Striking, deep set vivid blue eyes uncomfortable. GQ, looks great in a dress shirt and tie uncomfortable. Drop sweet ‘n sar concentrate on the floor uncomfortable.
I hope he pisses me off soon so then he’ll just be RM (Restaurant Manager) instead of the FHNG (Fucking Hot New Guy).
A lot of transitions going on in the restaurant and change is tough. Our Assistant Manager Intern may or may not be staying as long as he thought since FHNG has been hired and I told him today that it pissed me off because we really just got to know him and honestly, although we all had our problems with him at first, now we all really like him. Plus, I trust him for an honest assessment of my work.
He was complimentary. His one lone concern was that I can be “volatile.” I told him I preferred “passionate.” He laughed but I have to admit to having a temper. When we were talking about him perhaps leaving earlier than expected and what he had learned, he gave me another compliment by saying that he had learned more from me than anyone, especially regarding payroll issues and few other things.
I told him that sometimes we learn as much from our good experiences as we do from others’ mistakes, so that generally, he got a good education. He’s moving to the kitchen tomorrow, so that should be really fun. He’s a chef at a private club in upstate NY near the Adirondack Mountains.
The hostess and I were teasing him that we were going to road trip to see him over a long weekend. Actually, I don’t think we were teasing much. A long road trip… hmmmm… I’m in.
Well, I need to wash my sticky pants for another day of restaurant goodness. We got Monday licked!
Oh, wait, I meant, Nanner, She’s a Bitch.
As you will recall if you read yesterday’s post, I worked a training session for evening shift . Since I’ve worked evening shift before it was to hone my skills and its not like I just walked around with my thumb stuck up my ass because that’s a huge bore, yet, I didn’t get any tips.
Honestly, it chapped my ass. I wouldn’t do that to someone, especially when they’re doing more than just following me around. It chapped my ass even more that I had to be at work early this morning and I got stuck there last night cleaning up wine puke. Ya know, I have a mortgage too.
Today was Round 1 of the hell the rest of you know as Valentine’s Day. The door opened at 11:00 and I didn’t look up for 8 long hours. I may have looked up in that time, but then someone promptly slammed my nose back to the grindstone, and then I worked 5 more long hours. I was supposed to get off at 5 and I finally left at 11.
It was a tough day, but a good day.
The bitch part comes in in that as the bartender I take all of the tables up until 5. Wellllllll, the ones that come in close to 5, its a toss-up between dayshift and evening shift. At 5, I had five tables. One was seated at 4:55 and I worked those bitches, I worked those bitches hard. I had one table that had come in earlier but they wanted dinner, so I plied them with booze and salads until the kitchen would let me roll dinner.
Oh yeah, they tipped me 30% for just letting them sit there for over an hour waiting on dinner service.
Again, the bitch part of that, it kept the tables tied up. The bad part was that part of my day section went to a server that I wasn’t thrilled about screwing. The other part of the section went to the server that chapped my ass yesterday, and frankly, I didn’t give a shit. Matter of fact, it made me so fucking happy, I didn’t care that I hadn’t peed or eaten or smoked a cigarette. I didn’t care that my ass, my legs, my shoulders, my head, and my feet ached like hell.
I walked around with a great big smile on my face because I’M A FUCKING BITCH THAT WAY!If Heaven is a place where the angels go, well then I gotta story to tell, if Heaven is a place where the angels go, then I guess you’re goin’ straight ta hell… This is what you get, karma bitch! Now I see who you really are. Happiness is the best revenge. (from “Little Smirk” by Theory of a Deadman) So, if you’re pissed like me, bitches here’s what you gotta do, put your middle fingers up in the air, come on and say, “Fuck you.” (from “Hate My Life” by Theory of a Deadman) And now the fucking italics won’t turn off, but hey, if I can stay awake, I’m gonna get laid too. What a great Friday the 13th. ROCK ON BITCHES!!!!!
Thanks for your advice and so forth on the last post. It was one of those things I wrote as a musing and to put it on “paper” to see if it made more sense that way. It didn’t. Glad you have power again Sagacious One.
On to this warped day.
First, Jace spent the day in the Emergency Room because his blood sugar spiked over 600 and they had to put him on an insulin drip. He’s not been feeling well and illness makes it more difficult to control his blood sugar. He decided not to call me until he was released and on his way to the restaurant.
I told him after we were both off that I’m not sure what’s going to happen between us in the future, but for the time being, I’m sticking around to find out so I would appreciate it if he would actually treat me as someone who gives a shit about him, loves him even, and next time, if there is one, to consider calling me earlier, especially since I was off until 4 today and could have at least kept him company at the hospital.
Second, when I did get to work, we still didn’t have a dishwasher, not the dude, the actual machine. Everything has to be handwashed until the repairmen figure out the dealio. It sucks. It sucks for all of us because we all have to wash and polish and wash and polish and wash and polish and wash and polish.
Thirdly, Shifty-Eyed Bartender, who I’ve actually grown to like most days, told me the lone guy at the bar when I came in was “creepy.” She said he had told her he only had 21 dollars so she had to give him a running total. She said, again, “He’s really creepy.” Men, when women tell you that a guy or gal or situation is creepy, remember these words – women’s intuition. Creepy Guy eventually cashed out and left our establishment.
About 7 this evening, Emeil, our little hostess comes up and says, “Wow, I just saw like three cops cars come up the hill.” That’s unusual because the restaurant is in a very, very nice part of town and cop cars don’t just come screaming by. We see a lot of red lights because we’re right across from the fire station, but blue lights are very uncommon. There are two banks on the other corners.
About 7:05, the restaurant in bathed in blue lights. There are police at both banks, the fire station, blocking the road in front of the restaurant, and parked behind our guests vehicles in the parking lot.
Creepy Guy, yeah, he robbed the Rite Aid around the curve from us. They found him down the hill behind another restaurant down the street from us. He didn’t steal any money, he just wanted prescription drugs. He’ll be on World’s Dumbest Criminals because I guess someone in Rite Aid recognized him and gave the police his cellphone number. Yep, they call it. Yep, he answered. Yep, he believed them when they said they were a concerned friend. Yep, he told them where he was hiding. Bwhahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
I told Shifty-Eyed Bartender, “He did it for you.”
Fourthly, aside from all the washing and polishing and police cars we actually were finishing up to be out at 11. I was wiping down the bathroom sinks and cleaning the toilets when a lady stumbled in and settled herself in the big girl stall. Her anxious boyfriend kept opening the door to the ladies’ room checking on her.
I heard a bit of moaning, some farting, some peeing, and then nothing. I went on to clean the men’s room, waiting for her to finish up so I could clean the big girl stall when Anxious Boyfriend asked me to check on her. I peeked through the crack and can see that she is passed out… on the toilet. Yes, her pants were down.
I came out of the bathroom and he asked if she was okay and I said, “No, not really.” I then signalled to Maribee to come help. She came in, took one look, and then went to call the General Manager to come up. We three ladies finally got the door open and GM and I woke the lady up. I went on to finish the men’s room and checked back with GM. The lady was still on the toilet but now had thrown up on the floor and in the garbage can that GM was too late getting in the stall.
Lucky for us, unlucky for her, the lady hadn’t had much to eat so much of what she threw up was expensive red wine. Red wine will kick your ass if you don’t know what it can do. It kicked her ass. After much waiting, and from what GM told me, crying and humiliation on the lady’s part, GM finally convinced the lady not to help us clean up and to vacate the stall and bathroom so we could clean and go home.
I was standing there, gloved, mop and mop bucket on standby and GM and I cleaned up the mess. Maribee doesn’t do so well with puke. Good thing I have a kid. She said I was her hero. I should have asked where my tip was. See, I was training tonight, even though I’ve worked evening shift before they just wanted to refine my skills. Maribee is not the type to share tips in those situations. So, I got screwed on tips and I had to clean up puke.
Fifthly, Nate and his sister had a run-in with a creepy house and I’m not allowed to say anything else about that since I have been sworn to secrecy.
I asked Nate on the way home what he’s learned today.
He said, “You mean at school or in life?”
I said, “In life. You know, we’ve shared our experiences, what have we learned today? Stay away from creepy guys at bars, stay away from creepy houses, and don’t drink red wine on an empty stomach.”
Oh yeah, and don’t answer your cellphone when you’re on the lam. Its the po-po.
And to think, this day started out like any other day.
Jace and I have been seeing each other three months now and for lack of better words, something is missing. I’m not sure what or where its going. For once, I’ve been listening to those little voices and hearing the warning bells. Yet, as T-Bird so aptly put it, “Right about the time I start listening, they stop talking.”
Meaning, I have that feeling, still that same feeling that I’m not privy to the entire picture, but just snippets.
After his divorce, Jace moved back in with his parents and is planning on moving out in the near future. Well, he keeps talking about it, but, it hasn’t materialized in the last three months. He mentioned it again yesterday and I get the feeling he would just rather move in with me and is either waiting for me to offer or will broach the subject soon.
I’m not even sorry to say, that isn’t going to happen. I like having my own space and he needs his own as well, and not just a separate room but a whole other dwelling. And frankly, after three months, I’m not ready for that. Talk to me in a year, maybe.
Sadly, I also don’t feel strongly enough about the relationship to do that. I love him but in many ways, I don’t love him like that. Its not one big thing, but a lot of little ones.
Before, I know I would have gotten in and gotten out, but, that’s one of my problems. I don’t really give a relationship time to grow, mature and blossom. I really wanted to give that a shot and put myself out there.
Intellectually, he is very intelligent, but its a very narrow intelligence. He has little to no interest in my hobbies, whether it be beading or reading. I finished the “Twilight” series a few weeks ago and although he saw me reading the books, he never asked if they were any good or what they were about.
Yeah, and absolutely no real interest in the work that I do artistically. Not that I expect him to be morbidly interested in my design processes or things like that, but, a little interest when I’m actually working on a piece would be nice.
He’s not given to deep conversations either. Spirituality is very important to me and he doesn’t have any. When I’ve talked to him about the experiences I’ve had and the things I believe, he doesn’t really have anything to say, at all. Not even to disagree or to even say he hasn’t made up his mind. I don’t think he gives it a thought, ever.
However, he’s very kind and thoughtful. He’s ambitious and wants to do well for himself. I’m just not sure if he would throw someone under a train to get it. Somethings just don’t add up. Like, the moving out thing. He works two jobs (soon to be just one) and makes about twice what I do, yet, has no money. Even with his car payment and the bills he helps his parents with and a few other things, he doesn’t really have that many obligations. Yet… three months later, he’s still living at home, and he’s admitted, he likes to waste money.
If I waste money, I’d better have something to show for it. Pictures from a vacation, a concert ticket, beads, SOMETHING. But he has nothing.
I’ve talked to two friends, one man and one woman, and they both say, “Just ride it out. It will show itself for what it is sooner or later.”
The part that drives me nuts is not being able to put my finger on it. Warning bells, I hear you. Red flags, I see you. Just gonna ride it out, because I can’t put my finger on it.
I have all of this stuff rolling around in my head and then I realized, even though I’m surfing the net that, “Hey, I have Internet and I CAN BLOG!” I know you’re thrilled that I figured that out.
My 20 year high school reunion is coming up sometime this summer and I’d rather be about 10 lbs. lighter of fat by the time that happens. The last time I weighed myself (with my clothes on, work shoes, my insulated jacket, and my parka) I weighed 150 lbs. So, I weigh somewhere between 140 and 150 lbs. Technically, my BMI is somewhere between 24 and 25, which is considered borderline or just unhealthy, but, they just take into account weight and height.
Because of my profession, I carry a lot of muscle. Muscle is heavier than fat and I wear a size 8, so, I’m not really concerned about weight so much as where the fat I do have on my body is distributed. I have boobs, so that’s where some of the fat is. The rest of it resides along my mid-section, or, at least I think it does.
While there are no pictures to prove it, I was ginormous with Nate. I have a lot of stretchy skin to go with my stretchy marks. I walk everyday, carry ice buckets and trays, and occasionally I’ll schlep a keg up the backsteps and through the dining room. No, not the ginormous barrel kegs, the smaller ones that only weigh 75 lbs. instead of 125 lbs.
Despite all of that, I was really worried about my cardiovascular health (because I smoke… a lot), and worried that Iwasn’t getting the appropriate cardio workout simply by walking in the restaurant and carrying trays.
Then we had four or five inches of snow and I had to help clear the parking lot and I was out shoveling wet, heavy snow for half an hour or so and didn’t break a sweat or even breath heavy and then heard that the reason people have heart attacks while shoveling snow is because after 6 minutes its the equivelant of a strenuous cardio workout. So, okay, I felt better after finding that out and figured that I must be in pretty good shape after all.
I definitely eat a lot of food. I always have. I like food. I like food a lot. When I’m working, I eat a huge breakfast, otherwise I’m hungry by noon… and we eat at 10:30. Waitressing burns anywhere from 170 to 350 calories an hour, depending on how busy we are, and whether my section is at the front or the back of the restaurant and how many trays I carry and how heavy they are.
Which reminds me of the day that my insurance agent came to have me sign some paperwork for my life insurance. It was around 4 in the afternoon and it had been butt-ass busy that day and I was pulling a double. I figure I had burned through my calorie rich breakfast about two hours prior because I was ready to eat a cow, so I did, in the form of a steak burger.
If you’re like me, and you have blood sugar problems, getting too hungry is a horrible thing because you literally just want to stuff your face. You growl when others come near your food and its really not advisable to make fun of a hypoglycemic when they’re hungry. Really, its not. That’s how my insurance man almost met his end.
He has to ask all of those questions, like my age, weight, and height. So, I told him, in between mouthfuls of food. When he asked my weight and I told him (yes, a truthful 140) he guffawed and said, “Well, at the end of that burger you’re going to weight five pounds more.”
That just totally hit me the wrong way. Maybe it was because it was the day after Christmas and I was working a double and had worked doubles for days before Christmas and I was just butt-ass tired and my blood sugar was in my toenails and I would have eaten his face off, ala Hannibal Lecter, if it would have made me not so close to the edge of insanity to be that hungry.
And being the redneck bitch I am, and not having full control of my sensibilities, I drew back the sleeve on my uniform, flexed my impressive bicep, and informed him, “I could put you through that wall.”
Don’t, just don’t, don’t make fun of people who eat and who like to eat and who need to eat or they will hurt someone or start crying or both. And DON”T make fun of someone’s weight. Whether or not I’m carrying around 40 lbs of fat or muscle is really not up for discussion because I’M NOT SLEEPING WITH HIM!!! I can’t remember the last time my boyfriend looked at my stomach because he’s either staring at or sucking on my tits or he’s fucking me while staring at or sucking on my tits!
But what this post was really supposed to be about was nuts. You know, high fiber, Omega-3 nuts, which are supposed to be healthy for you, but they cost a shit-ton of money and I was wondering exactly what a serving of nuts is and whether or not the fat intake is worth the nutritional value since I’m worried about fat around my middle section and whether or not I should just try to eat healthier in the evenings and maybe work out with Billy Blanks two or three times a week in addition to my work at the restaurant to get rid of any belly fat that may or may not be hiding under my stretchy skin.
Not to mention, the last time I worked out with Billy Blanks (TaeBo dude), my stretchy skin looked better, but then I hyperextended my ankle and then my TaeBo video burned in the fire and I’ve missed it ever since. Its been two years since the fire… wow.
Anywho, nuts, that’s what this whole thing was really about, and the fact I don’t like the stretchy skin on my stomach.