Team Emmett!

June 29, 2010 at 2:12 am (Alice in Chains, Attitude in Overdrive, Grad School, My Travels, Work)

Everyone is so into the Team Jacob versus Team Edward. I’m on Team Emmett. What a happy-go-lucky vampire! And he’s funny, and a brute. Yeah, totally on Team Emmett.

Worked a long time today. I guess they forgot to schedule a cocktail server so they asked me to stay. It was busier than hell! Worked my butt off.

On the countdown for Washington, two weeks and three days. My pre-registration is complete, I have my new suitcase, I have my plane ticket, I have my financial aid, I have a babysitter. I still need to get my transportation from Seattle to Port Townsend taken care of and I really want a  new netbook. Time will tell on that one.

I still love Alice because some things never change.

I JUST CAN’T FREAKIN’ WAIT TO GET TO WASHINGTON!!!!!

Land of Forks, and Cullens, and Quileute.

AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!  WHY AM I NOT ALREADY THERE???? Land of seafood and lighthouses and fog. Land of mountains and sand and sea.

Do you realize “An Officer and a Gentleman” was filmed there?

Do you know how beautiful it is there?

What?  Do you not see the shirt he’s wearing – SEATTLE.  Plus, I mean, it’s Jerry Cantrell, and he’s sexy in his Seattle shirt. And he looks happy!  None of that posed, serious rocker… just someone enjoying what they’re doing… with a very hot goatee.. and badass muscular arms… Jerry makes an excellent muse.

And so will the Northwest. Jeebus… am I there yet???

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Wallow, Wallow, Wallow

June 27, 2010 at 12:35 pm (Music, Nate, Relationships, Writing)

I stopped by to see The Date after I got off from work and sealed the deal, so to speak. It was enjoyable, physically, and I knew it was going to happen and he definitely wanted it to happen.  And thereafter my mind clicked and whirled and moved on to thinking about my novella.

This is one of those things I’m still very blocked on and that is having feelings about guys and having lasting feelings about guys. If I had thought or known that things were going to be “more serious” I would have waited to have sex with him but I know it isn’t and it’s something I might as well get out of the way. I don’t truly believe that is the only thing he wanted out of me, but I know it’s where he is in his life right now that I was someone he desired and he probably wasn’t going to stop until I gave in or hurt his feelings.

I just had a desire for sex and he was available, and he had a desire for me and I made myself available. That’s about it. So, no progress, no romantic notions, no giggling, gushing… anything. *Click* *Whirl* *Next*

However, I did make a great deal of progress on my novella last night, even though after my romp I was actually sated and tired, physically, but my mind, she just never shuts up which creatively speaking can be a good thing.  This is something I’ve only disclosed a few times but I make myself cry when I get to certain parts of my stories.  I compose in my head all the time – mini-movies moving reel to reel and sometimes the emotion behind those reels is so overwhelming I just bawl.

I wrote the scene inspired by David Gray’s “Draw the Line.”  The lyrics didn’t inspire so much for this scene as did the simple acoustic guitar line.  The scene is so poignant. The lyrics to the song inspired another scene, which is so emotionally charged I forgot I was sitting on my couch, instead, I was in a wheat field during a thunderstorm.  Rain, thunder, sleet, and hail battering me as much as the emotions, the violence from within.

I just wallow in it. I wallow in the world and emotions I create for my characters. Just like a little piggy, wallow, wallow, wallow. Just stretch out and soak in the mud, snorting and grunting on occasion, startling the flies with a flick of my ear. *Piggy grin*

Did I tell you I intend on having a soundtrack for my novella? Yep. Not of the songs that inspired it, but my own songs based on what I’ve written. Is that not neat?  Plus, I know a lot of musicians… who’s to say I won’t just put the soundtrack and some spoken-word with it, like Viggo Mortensen did with his poetry book.  Wallow, wallow, wallow.

And let me tell you what a great young man I have. He called me at work wanting to know what time I was getting off.  Of course, I made a pit-stop but he called later to let me know he had gone to the local Dominoes and gotten us pizza and Cinnastix and in his own words, “I got you a pizza too, Mom, because you know I’ll eat a whole one, and I got you Cinnastix because I know how much you like them.”  Then we watched Jeff Dunham and Bill Engvall.

*Smile* Wallow, wallow, wallow.

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I Really Suck at Dating…

June 26, 2010 at 9:02 am (General, Nate, Relationships, Work, Writing)

But I’m getting better, at least at picking my dates.

We had a really great time and we were also real about the chances our relationship is going to succeed. I know, talking about our chances and they aren’t that good but still just moving right along.  First, there is quite an age difference. He hasn’t owned up to how old he is but his eldest son is five years younger than I am. Not that he looks it or acts it, which is a good thing.  He’s probably 60+.

Then, as he pointed out, we’re at different places in our lives. He has four grandsons and I’m still raising my first child. I’m starting grad school and he’s already retired from one company and works for another.  He’s going through a divorce and I’ve never even stepped into the ring once. I know his soon-to-be ex-wife and I really like her. He was a widow for almost 25 years before he married her. I think their divorce is a tragedy but also the best thing for both of them.

We laughed when Nate started texting me about when I was coming home. He said that paternalism is only going to get stronger. Having raised two boys by himself, he knows what I’m going through with being a single parent. Nate sounds much different than his step-son, for which I am grateful, because his step-son and his actions is one of the reasons he’s getting divorced.

He seems to feel as though I’m going to meet a Native American in Washington and move lock, stock, and barrel to the Northwest. I told him if that were so I hoped he looked more like Jacob Black than Harry Clearwater.  I lost him with that.

We talked about our reactions should we bump into each other at the Bistro dating other people, which we were both cool with and intend on dating other people. Well, he does. He’s the first date I’ve enjoyed that I’ve found in this town. 

Speaking of my trip to the NW, everyone is like, “Oh, it rains so much up there…”  Port Townsend lies in the Olympic Mountain Rain Shadow so it only receives 16-18 inches of precipitation a year, by comparison, where I live now gets about 44 inches of precipitation a year.  That isn’t to say the sun shines more, just that the clouds don’t pee as much. Plus, the high temperature doesn’t even reach 70. Still taking my raincoat!

I am so looking forward to this trip. I can’t even begin to express it.  I’m getting myself a new netbook, hopefully. Money is tight right now. I had to expend a great deal to get me there and work is up and down. Still can make do with my old laptop but she’s much heavier and Nate can use the Netbook for school as well. Still have to arrange transportation from Seattle to Fort Worden. Other than that, I think I’m good.

Bought a new suitcase that meets all of the requirements for domestic and international flights because Lady knows I’m not paying MORE money for them to carry my luggage. My mother said that if anyone can make do with a carry-on piece of luggage for over a week, it is me. Yes, it is.  Nate is still lobbying to go although he knows he can’t. He likes to give me a hard time but I know it’s because he wants to hang out with me and that makes me feel good.

I’m taking him to the one place I know he’ll have fun – the Taste of All at FestivALL. I can’t imagine getting more bang for my buck with him than at a food tasting expo. The restaurant will be there so he will have even more of an opportunity to get food. I can’t keep him fed. He has stretch marks really bad on his knee caps, all the way up his legs, and now they’ve migrated below the knee. Just a testament to how fast he’s growing.

He hasn’t had his medicine since right before school let out. Since he’s growing so fast I wanted him to be able to eat all he needed and wanted. Hasn’t put on a pound!  Brat. He’s been a little annoying without the meds, more so just… HYPER!  I’ve tried and tried and tried to get him interested in a sport, ANY SPORT, to no avail. I take him swimming and I’m taking him bowling as soon as I can.

Gotta go to work. Ya’ll take care.

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Argh!

June 24, 2010 at 12:46 pm (AZ, Empathy, Family, Music, My Travels, Nate, Relationships, T-Bird, Work, Writing)

So, as always when working on blog posts, I run into the problem of cats stepping on the computer and erasing everything I’ve written. Now that I’ve written it once, I don’t feel like writing it again. That Stream of Conscious has hit the River of Thought and is gone.

I was writing about my brother and my son. My relationship with my brother will never be what I want it to be because my brother doesn’t want a relationship with us. And, my son suffers from education depression and is unmotivated.  There isn’t anything I can do about the first, but the second I’m working on. I have a feeling his 504  next year will look very different than last years.

Nate has more motivation now, motivation to learn, but that doesn’t mean he’s excited about learning and learning to his potential. If that makes sense. I’ve been reading a book that my friend Vince recommended called, “The Mind of Boys,” and it has been very helpful. Although I wish I had discovered it a long time ago. It is also very helpful for someone who will be teaching boys.

Things are sort of… up in the air right now. Although I’ve had my issues at work, I do love my job. However, I also need to teach for my graduate degree and I’m attempting to get my feet under me to accomplish that. I need to make a decision but don’t feel I’m in the position to make it yet. Argh!

I haven’t mentioned AZ for a while. We see each other for lunch on occasion and he wrote one of my recommendations for graduate school. It made me teary-eyed. I think one of the most important things he put in there was how inspiring I was to him. I chose to believe him instead of  thinking he was bullshitting.  When I think back over the course of our very long relationship, I can see why he would write that and the small strides he is making toward being the person he wants to be instead of allowing himself to be tossed about by everyone elses currents.

T-Bird went back to school and she is searching for a job. Even in our job market, which has not taken the recession as hard as others, this is tough. People are so desperate for jobs that she is getting low-balled, even with the experience and job training that she has had. It’s scary.

Things on the relationship front have changed since my last post. I’m not sure how to characterize it. One of my guests that I’ve known since I started working there asked me out. We’ve always had a good relationship and I like him, plus he really is a good kisser. I’m not sure though, I think he’s a bit too… something.  Problem is, he’s such an open book and I’m so good at reading him empathically, I know what he wants and what he’s thinking before he does.

Therefore, I already knows where it’s going, which I’m okay with. I’ll figure out more when we go out Friday. I don’t see it having long-term potential, which I’m also okay with. Most of the time, even more often now, moreso than before, this is the kind of short-term ride I pass up but this time I’m just going to jump on.  It’s too intriguing not to.

I have a feeling that once he figures out I can’t be fooled, he may just move on. 

I also like the fact that I can feel again. For long I’ve been blocked. I still am but only to a degree, only to the degree that I chose to be. For too long I’ve viewed the world through dispassionate eyes because it was easier than feeling the pain.  The pain isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I suppose, thus far, I’ve lived through the worst of it. Losing my pets, AZ’s marriage,  the Court case with Jeff, all of which produced literal physical pain in addition to my emotional pain.

Now, I’m back to trouncing through it, roiling it up, and kicking its ass instead of fearing it.  One of my co-workers refers to me as Sarah Connor – not bad, not an ass, but badass.  I’m more Sarah Connor, flawed, human, and badass, and less like Wonder Woman. I like knowing I can be Sarah C0nnor and I don’t have to be Wonder Woman, although I do love the boots. But, combat boots will work too.

I need to go mow the grass before the storm hits.  I’ll leave you with some music and SURPRISE!  It is NOT Alice in Chains. One of my favorite lines from this song was what I posted on Facebook:  “Here we are buck naked, yeah, but where should we begin, when its not the flesh we’re after but the howling ghost within?”

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*Swipe* *Dust Cloud*

June 16, 2010 at 11:09 am (Alice in Chains, Black Stone Cherry, Music, My Travels, Nate, Relationships, Writing)

Wow, this place gets dusty and dirty when it isn’t used regularly. Looks one step below a crack house.

Okay! So much has been going on I don’t really know where to start, but let’s start with Alice because Alice is so much fun!

The show was AMAZING! The crowd was so much better than in D.C. and the guys responded by playing a few extra songs, which certainly didn’t break my heart. Mike Inez posted on the Alice blog that it was one of the best crowds they had ever played for and we had been short-listed if they decided to add more American dates after they finished up in Europe. Oh yeah! He said he never knew West Virginians were so crazy! Ha!

In other concert news, I went to see Black Stone Cherry this past Friday and they rocked the house at the V Club in Huntington along with Split Nixon and Stitch Rivet. I actually liked Split Nixon better than Stitch Rivet. Unlike Alice, they did throw us a bone and played one of their new songs from their forthcoming album. It was great seeing them again. It was hotter than hell in that club though. I was sweating like a pig but what a show!

I have been accepted to graduate school. Okay, my heart seized up a little there. And I’m contemplating a job change to go along with it. I got all of my financial aid squared away, my plane ticket to Seattle, and I’m just so freakin’ psyched! Especially since I’ll be staying on the Olympic Peninsula and it is about 20 degrees (or more) cooler there! No, I’m not moving. It is a low-residency program so I’ll be going to Washington every 6 months. I know, poor me to have to visit the Northwest that often.

I’m getting my Masters in … Creative Writing. I know, shocking! And, I’m doing my “thesis” on Jerry Cantrell’s lyrics. I KNOW! Is that not cool!?! This is why I chose the Port Townsend residency instead of Vermont.  Thrilled to be going to the land of the grunge!

Part of the Master’s Program includes a minimum of 15 hours of teaching. I’m currently looking into several programs around the area, but my preference is Southern West Virginia. I have also contemplated getting my substitute teaching certificate for primary and secondary schools. Needless to say, I’ve been hopping around like a little bunny rabbit.

An old friend of mine who is an educator told me there wasn’t much money in the education field. I told him, “Sweetheart, if I wanted to make the big bucks, I would be studying quantum physics.”  I’m a simple person, not very materialistic. I just want to be able to support me and Nate and have a bit of money left over for travel and to put back for emergencies. I do that now… as a waitress, and even in WV, professors make more than waitresses.

If it’s one thing I’ve learned being a waitress, you cannot allow money (tips) or lack thereof to influence how you feel about yourself. I’ve been poor, I’ve been prosperous, but I’d rather be happy and prosperous. Besides, I’ll still be writing. I may hit it big, I may not. What is most important is, I’m doing what I’ve ALWAYS WANTED TO DO, and I’m over the moon.

Nothing happening in the relationship department. Nada. Oh well.

I’m still seeing my counselor. It helps, a whole lot. 

Nate’s voice is changing and he has informed me he is sprouting “fur” in places I would rather not know about. He tried to convince me he had hair on his upper lip. He does, when I squint and use a magnifying glass. He’s taller than I am by an inch and a half and he loves it.

He failed the 8th grade – or as he said, “Epic fail.”  I warned him, his teachers warned him, and he didn’t listen. We both took it well. I told him I was disappointed that he didn’t apply himself but I was also not too upset in letting him marinate another year. Nate is the kind of kid who could use it. I would rather he be 19 when he starts college. Plus, he learned I wasn’t going to browbeat him nor take responsibility for something he is old enough to take responsibility for himself.

Better he learn now than later that there are consequences for his own actions and that Mom is not bailing him out and chasing him around like he is five to turn his homework in. He’s almost 14. Those days are over. 

He hasn’t spoken to his father for over a year and it doesn’t appear as though that will change anytime soon. I don’t care if it ever changes. Jeff is poison.

Well, that’s all I have. I need to get Nate up and we need to get to grass mowing before the storms start hitting later this afternoon. But first, I have to empty the refrigerator to feed him. Goddess, that young man can EAT! Plus, I’ve taken him off of his medicine for the summer, at least temporarily so he will eat more since he is growing soooo fast! I also need to write, clean litterboxes, clean up the house, compose letters to colleges around the area, etc. etc.

Ya’ll take care!

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