One week and I am outta here! This time next week I’ll be eating my first meal with my new classmates and advisors, being welcomed into my graduate program. Oh my hell. I CAN’T WAIT!!!
I’m getting ready to apply for a teaching position, exactly where I want to teach. They have openings and not only can I use my upcoming writing degree, I can also use my criminal justice degrees. I would be happy to use both for the time being, however, I plan on using my writing degree more later. I have a vision.
There have been not so good developments around the familial structure. Nate and I were at the local grocery story, in our town, and Nate came running to me in the aisle and said, “My father is here.” What the fuck?
Nate’s sister also works at this grocery store and Nate goes in search of her and this is when she tells him, “I’m living with father.” Huh? According to her she got tired of being the adult in her relationship with her mother. This I can understand, however, am not sure exactly how horrible it could be that she would choose to go live with Jeff.
Nate was supportive and non-judgemental but not in any mood to reconcile with their father the way she has, if she has at all. She has issues, not that Nate doesn’t, but her’s are of an entirely different nature.
For Nate’s part he was sweating, I could smell him, noticeably nervous, and he told me his knees were knocking. He also told me on the way home that he was sure his father had learned his lesson, after all, his father had been sitting home alone for over a year. Ha, oh my naive child… I can’t in any way imagine Jeff has changed at all.
Nate said, “I don’t think I’m ready to see him again.” Glad he figured that out. I was just really pissed off. Not scared just really irritated. I stopped at the end of the aisle he was standing in and watched him for a moment. He appeared to be reading the blurb on a book. It took everything I had in me not to walk past him. This was before we really knew what was going on.
Back to happier notions. One week. I’m out of here. Everything is a go. The only thing left is travel arrangements to Columbus. Not sure if T-Bird is taking me or I’m just going to leave my car there. T-Bird is still unemployed but hopeful. Although I’m fairly certain she won’t be employed within one week, she may be employed by the time I come home, which is on a Sunday, so it won’t matter. Luckily this is something that is easily changed.
I have about five to-do lists. packing lists, lists, lists, lists. And in between all of this, I got a new tattoo. That’s about it. There probably is more but right now I’m watching that new Stephen King based story on Syfy called “Haven.” It’s quite good. Nate and I are enjoying it very much. Oh, and he had a birthday. He’s now 14.
He hadn’t seen his sister for about two months and she couldn’t believe how much taller he is than she is and that his voice was so much deeper. She almost cried. He’s at least two inches taller than she is and working on even more. He has stretch marks all over his legs. He just keeps growing and his voice just keeps getting deeper.
I’m really excited to learn more about my fellow classmates. I know a little about a few, a couple already have doctorates. One was a gallery manager in Los Angeles, one is an educator in Colorado, one has her own business, one is an educator in Hawaii, one is the daughter of a well known Seattle anarchist, one works in Process Oriented Psychology, I think one is a Director of Development with an opera, and that is all I could derive from Google and e-mail addresses. I think there are some like me, just regular folks, or young students transitiong from under-graduate.
I’m already fascinated by these people I don’t know. I wonder if they are as fascinated by me, although if you Google my real name, a woman with the same name who is very, very successful pops up. I am not her. I am successful too, just not in the same way.
I also got a new netbook, which I’m practicing writing on right now. The keyboard is 93% of a regular keyboard but is still just small enough that I had to cut my fingernails to type efficiently. They needed cut anyway. I like the fact it is very small and so far I’m very pleased with it. Nate will be using it for school also. It’s an Acer Aspire One. 2.8 lbs.
Still trying to decide on wardrobe other than COMFORTABLE! So far, the weather forecast is looking excellent!!! 65, 68, and 70 for the highs, low to mid 50s for the lows. That’s just for the first three days. I check it everyday. Much better than the 101 degrees we had here yesterday. It finally rained here. Now Nate will have to cut the grass before we leave. It is supposed to be in the mid to upper 80s for the next 10 days, well, 7 for me, then I’ll be hanging out by Puget Sound.
That reminds me, in addition to all of the bus schedules, maps, and financial aid information, I still need to print out the tides so I know which route to take back from town. I have picked out two nice restaurants, one for sushi and one very similar to the type that I work at.
I’m looking forward to the time difference, at least for the first couple of days so I will be up ealier than anyone and hopefully can catch low tide and sunrise at Point Hudson. Can’t wait to walk on the beach and go beachcombing. The water is too cold to swim in from what I understand, not that I care much for saltwater swimming… gag, however, I do enjoy just walking a long the beach and looking for treasures. Because my swim suit is very small and light I will include it for possible sunbathing.
And I’m looking forward to meeting my advisor and the program director is also a medium! He’s giving a class that I’m looking forward to and feel very fortunate to have the opportunity to work with him.
I could skip. I could wear my hair in braids. Now, if only I could direct this energy to cleaning my house… ugh.
Everyone is so into the Team Jacob versus Team Edward. I’m on Team Emmett. What a happy-go-lucky vampire! And he’s funny, and a brute. Yeah, totally on Team Emmett.
Worked a long time today. I guess they forgot to schedule a cocktail server so they asked me to stay. It was busier than hell! Worked my butt off.
On the countdown for Washington, two weeks and three days. My pre-registration is complete, I have my new suitcase, I have my plane ticket, I have my financial aid, I have a babysitter. I still need to get my transportation from Seattle to Port Townsend taken care of and I really want a new netbook. Time will tell on that one.
I still love Alice because some things never change.
I JUST CAN’T FREAKIN’ WAIT TO GET TO WASHINGTON!!!!!
Land of Forks, and Cullens, and Quileute.
AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! WHY AM I NOT ALREADY THERE???? Land of seafood and lighthouses and fog. Land of mountains and sand and sea.
Do you realize “An Officer and a Gentleman” was filmed there?
Do you know how beautiful it is there?
What? Do you not see the shirt he’s wearing – SEATTLE. Plus, I mean, it’s Jerry Cantrell, and he’s sexy in his Seattle shirt. And he looks happy! None of that posed, serious rocker… just someone enjoying what they’re doing… with a very hot goatee.. and badass muscular arms… Jerry makes an excellent muse.
And so will the Northwest. Jeebus… am I there yet???
I’m really down today. Went to bed that way, woke up that way, trying not to be that way only makes it worse. I’m going to see Alice in Chains tonight, which should be a reason for celebration and I’m sure it will be, but, I’m not there yet. I’m still here, stewing in my recent unfufilled fantasies, which really translates to recent failures.
I should be fucking happy and grateful. I make a good living doing something I really enjoy, Nate still has the opportunity to pass 8th grade, I’m applying to grad school, I have food, clothing, shelter, cable, internet, a car that is paid off, money in a savings account, heat when I’m cold, and air conditioning when I’m hot and since it’s Spring, finally, I may have both on the same day. I sure have a lot to complain about.
Still, my therapist would tell me to just admit I’m heartbroken, to admit I have feelings and that my feelings are important, and that someone hurt them. And that someone is Adonis.
I think everyone has problems with being ignored and overlooked. I particulary have deep seeded problems with this given that my accomplishments in life have been mainly overlooked and ignored by my parents, my mother in particular, in favor of my brother. I take it so personal, so deep down in the gut when someone ignores me, to the point of acute evil anger which is really just hurt disguised because anger is more righteous than hurt.
Adonis and I had talked about going hiking together and had exchanged a couple of e-mails about it. Because of my work schedule and their unwillingness, despite my oft-mentioned reminders of what our agreement was (work the shitty Sunday shift and I get Saturday off, at least while Nate is in school), I requested May 1st off for the traditional German day of hiking and in celebration of Walpurgisnacht.
I sent Adonis an e-mail, now 9 days ago, asking him about his interest in going hiking on May 1st, figuring this would only be the nice thing to do given he has a full life and so do I and making plans ahead of time would probably be a good idea. He did the worst thing imagineable, he ignored me. Then when I saw him last night at work, he said hi and then wouldn’t look at me the rest of the evening.
This is all very bad news for mutiple things, one being my ego, two being hope, and three being dreams – at least as they relate to him. It’s rare around this town to find someone that is single, good looking, not gay, intelligent, and isn’t afraid to get a little dirty. I know he isn’t afraid of this because I’ve seen pictures of him and his four-wheeler plastered with mud. I like that in a man. I like the fact that he wears a suit and tie and has a great job that he works very hard at and is still a down-to-Earth humble person.
He also hurt my feelings which suddenly makes all of the other shit not worth a damn. Reject me if you’re not feeling it, but don’t fucking ignore me. I would rather be rejected than ignored. Ignoring someone is a rejection, but it isn’t an honest rejection. It’s a poor man’s rejection. It’s just fucking rude and man, it fucking hurts.
And what is with all of the other bullshit that has gone on with us in the past months? What? I mean, seriously! Stop the act, Adonis! Or just tell me you’ve changed your mind, don’t want to, sorry, you’re too old for me, sorry, I don’t want to be your friend, sorry, I don’t have time for you. Good Goddess, tell me something, BUT DON’T FUCKING IGNORE ME!
I’m not normally given to self-pity but today, I’m wallowing in it like a dog wallows in the first shitpile it finds after a bath. I’m sure my therapist would be happy to know I’m taking time out of my day to admit I have feelings, admit someone hurt them, and that I’m crying over it, which apparently are normal responses instead of my past response of attempting to squash it under my boot like an annoying crunchy bug and mash it into a crack in the sidewalk and forget to attempt it ever existed.
“It’s all right/there comes a time/got no patience to search/for peace of mind/Layin’ low/want to take it slow/no more hiding or/disguising truths I’ve sold” – Alice in Chains from Jar of Flies.
My cracks are full of mashed crunchy bugs and I’ve been working at digging their skeletal remains out. What a nasty job. I’d rather not add the insult of another crunchy bug to the injury the skeletons have left behind. Plus, I’d rather not go psycho mean on his ass. He may deserve it, but I’m not lowering myself to dish it. What is it they say, you can stand up for yourself without being an ass about it?
“Hope, a new beginning/Time, time to start living/Like just before we died/there’s no going back/to the place/we started from/Hurt, falling through fingers/Trust, trust in the feeling/There’s something left inside/There’s no going back/to the place/we were before/all secrets known/Calm, all wounds are healing/Strong, truth is worth saving/I want to feel alive…” All Secrets Known – Jerry Cantrell from Black Gives Way to Blue.
Another thing. This whole situation has not given me much courage and really, I need some courage. It’s no secret to anyone here, especially myself, that I’m a lemming when it comes to Jerry Cantrell’s music. I study his lyrics like I study Maya Angelou, Ernest Hemingway, Jim Harrison, and other writers. I plan on doing one of my grad papers on his lyrics, both from Alice and his solo work. What? He’s a poet too.
Anyway, I just have this idea for some of my writings and I want so bad just to have five minutes of his time to ask if in the future, if he would be interested in doing something like that with me. It takes a certain bit of ingenuity, but I am nothing if not ingenious, to steal five minutes of his time, hell, maybe three. But it also takes courage and a willingness to stiffen my spine and take the rejection, which frankly, my success rate at this endeavor, to work with him, is almost assured at 1% and maybe less, but my failure rate is assuredly 100% if I don’t have the courage to ask.
Courage is a quality or spirit that enables someone to face difficulty without fear. Brave is having courage. Fearlessness, pluck, mettle, nerve, spunk, spirit, audacity.
If I don’t ask the answer will always be no. If I don’t ask the answer will always be no. If I don’t ask the answer will always be no.
What do you call it if you still face difficulty but you still have fear? What if I do have the opportunity to ask but I’m still shaking like a leaf when I do? What’s that called? Stupid but brave? Brave but stupid? Courageously stupid? Courageously stupid but hopeful?
I still have time. It’s not like I have to ask today and maybe there would be a better time to ask. A different approach. Ingenuity. Sometimes it’s not what you ask but where and when and I’m pretty good at determining that. For now, I’ll leave that in limbo and that’s okay. I’m no where near where I want to be on that project anyway. Maybe I should actually finish writing it first!!!
I get excited and put the cart before the horse when I should be much more methodical in my approach, at least to some things. Potential energy is a good thing, but really, you have to make sure its going to go kinetic before involving other mortals. This is also what you call “inspiration.” Move your ass, or you’ll never get to ask him because it should be transitioning between potentional and kinetic before you make your move.
“I go to sleep behind the eight ball/I live to fight for one day/I’m trapped in the cold outside/there ain’t no shelter/they wanna force my hand/’Til I/Take what I wanted, and/break all the lies that they/feed, the fuckin’ liars/smash all the temples, and/crawl through the rubble, and/cry to the fallen/I’m the last my kind still standing…” – Last of my Kind – Jerry Cantrell and William DuVall from Black Gives Way to Blue.
Good to have figured that out now instead of stressing about it all damn day and ruining my 1% chance by putting my ass before my brain. By doing so, I may have just increased my odds to 5%.
Back to Adonis. I told T-Bird about what happened and her response isn’t really relevant. It was everything you would expect from a best friend. However, I told her that as Nate and Cam and I sat at dinner after hiking on Saturday that I thought about the empty chair beside of me at that four top table. For some reason, Nate and Cam, even at 13 and 15, still don’t act mortified that I’m around and even though I give them space, they’re very inclusive of this old lady.
However, it does nothing to fill that empty chair at the table with an adult, and forgive me my female friends, but I want it to be a guy, like a boyfriend or potential boyfriend guy that I could sit and chat with while the boys are talking about video games. And me, the one who values her solitude, has to admit loneliness in those moments.
It took that empty chair to make me realize I am lonely and how much I wished there was a special someone, a just for me someone, there to fill it. Oh wait, I mean, I’m admitting it out loud.
“Tears that soak a callous heart,” – I Stay Away – Alice of course – Jar of Flies.
It’s days like this I really miss Smokey. He never minded when I cried into his fur. He would just grab a hold of my face with his paws, lick my forehead with his rough-ass cat tongue, and chew my hair. Boy, am I making the rounds today. My therapist asked and I admitted to the fear that if I start crying I may never stop, that there may not be a way to “Dam That River.”
This may be the day I never stop.
Hi, it’s me, Peach. I know, I haven’t been around and there is a good reason for that.
First, I’ve been writing a lot of fiction and some memoir and otherwise trying to get my shit together to apply to graduate school. I talked to an admissions counselor at my first choice college and I really, really liked his attitude and he seemed impressed with my perseverance. I am nothing if I am not perseverant, persistent, tenacious, pertinacious, stubborn, and obstinate. All of which mean the same thing … just a show of force.
I am also blogging because Evil Twin’s Wife asked me the other day if I was “ever going to post again.” I suppose even though she can call me anytime and sometimes we hollow out an evening to sip wine and converse, it isn’t the same as reading my thoughtful commentary on life. Heh.
I am so thankful I feel the Earth finally warming up. I woke up this morning at 2:40 or so and felt the shift from winter to ….ahhhhh, almost Spring. I still think we’re in for a few more snow storms but none are on the horizon for this week. This is really good, because I’m leaving Wednesday morning to go see Alice in Chains in DC. I found out this morning that Huntington, WV is in the just announced new shows and I’m thrilled because I will be able to take Nate to his first AIC show! And, I get to see them again. Win, win!
Which leads me into the next topic: Reality TV. I read that Jerry and Sean are not a fans of Celebrity Rehab. Former Alice bassist, Mike Starr, is on the show this season. I am not a fan of reality TV. I don’t watch Idol, Survivor, Jon, Kate, Eight, Duggars, or any of the others. I feel I have enough drama in my own life, none of which I want. However, I knew that Mike was on the show this season, yet still did not watch it, until yesterday.
Since Jerry and Sean had expressed their disgust of the situation, I thought I may want to check it out. I watched the last three episodes first. I cried the whole time and it wasn’t a cathartic cry, it was a hurt cry. I was glad that I got to see and hear Layne Staley’s mother’s thoughts on Layne’s death and her encouragement to Mike. The family section was extreme and difficult. I’ve walked a mile in their shoes and the miles stretch on ahead of me.
It was so disturbing that I spent time just laying in the bathtub listening to Alice, contemplating the horrible ways that my life, my son’s life, and our psyches have been impacted by addiction and alcoholism. I had tried to explain to T-Bird the other night what it was like to be alone raising your child, to have the responsibility that your decisions will forever impact their lives and that burden has shifted to your shoulders alone, at least, that’s the way it feels.
I also found the show disturbing because I identified so strongly with their stories that it brought all sorts of things to the surface for me. Not just in my relationship with addicts, but in my relationships with abusers and how I deal with things. I’ve talked to my counselor about things along those same lines and MacKenzie Phillips said something on there about not walking around pain but going through the middle of it. That really hit home.
One of my worst faults is trying to pretend I don’t have feelings. If I work hard enough at convincing myself I don’t have feelings then no one can hurt them. Which is ridiculous, especially considering I am one of those people that wears their emotions on their face and I shoot it out of my eyes in all directions. (I have a sort of funny story about that.)
I am also well aware I have feelings, a shit-ton of them as a matter of fact. Some are sunny and happy, others, not so much. It’s dealing with the “not so much” that I have trouble with, that, and just admitting that I don’t have sunny, happy feelings and just admitting that shit hurts, a whole hell of a lot, and that I’m scared and frightened for myself and my son and where our lives are going. One thing to say it, another thing to actually process it and release it to a point where it doesn’t wake me up in the middle of the night.
Jerry and Sean were upset because they felt as though their friend, who is a serious, long time, poly drug abuser, is being exploited. I can’t say I agree with that because he knew he was going to be televised and agreed to all of that shit, at least to the degree that a drug addict can. He chose to make his private hell a public one. I’m not sure why, everyone has their own reasons. Plus, it IS reality TV and it doesn’t get much more exploitive than that.
Personally, I found it disturbing and not at all cathartic, just a reminder of what it is like to deal with addiction and how much it fucks you up. It reminded me of what it is like to be thrown away by an addict for their drug and that is a really shitty pain. So it reminded me of the issues that I still have to work on, big deal. I’m reminded of that everytime I go to my counselor.
What also disturbed me were some of the comments on the message boards… “I’m so addicted to watching this show!” Well, obviously you’ve never dealt with an addict, lady.
Obviously you have never wished that a person in your life would be one of the ones to seek treatment.
However, what I did find the most interesting were the brain scans. Jeff liked to point out to me that his liver enzymes were spot on, neener, neener. Well, you dumb fuck, your liver might be made of steel, but you have had more than one alcoholic seizure, just like the one Mindy McCready had. Yep, you may die with a healthy liver, but the alcohol is eating your brain away. Neener, neener.
I got stuck in traffic behind that fucktard the other day and he slowed down to like 20 mph. Like I WANTED to be stuck in traffic behind him, of all the fucking people in the world. Yep, that tends to bring things to the surface as well. Don’t you wish you were a fly on the wall at my counseling sessions??? Some sweet stuff goes on in there.
Okay, so let’s lighten this post a little. I will tell you the sort of funny thing I mentioned from above. As a server and bartender there are a couple of things that really irritate me. One is ignoring me when I come to your table. I don’t even wait anymore. If you don’t acknowledge me, I will walk away and serve the other people in my section and I will come back to you when I’m done with them. I have no problem with waiting to take your order if you want to catch up with your friend, but you need to communicate that to me, not ignore me.
My next irritation is glass rattling. This most often occurs with glasses that have ice in them and it’s the sound of the ice rattling in the glass when you shake it at me. This form of non-verbal communication really pisses me off. I assure you I am not blind and can most certainly see that you need another drink and will also ask you if you would like the same. The other night a young man shook his glass at me. It didn’t have ice in it, but it had the same effect. This young man had been fine until the point his friend showed up.
I felt my eyebrow go up and I’m certain I shot daggers out of my eyes because he got a look of , “Oh shit, I think I just fucked up.” His glass stayed on the table for the rest of the evening and he was super polite. I work very hard to keep a calm, composed look on my face, especially when it is busy. If I’m calm, then my guests are calm. If I look stressed, my tables will stress.
Such was the case as I attempted to take an order the other night, at the table beside of the glass rattler. There were six people at the table and one of the women was braying like a scalded donkey, I mean, laughing at everything the guy two seats away from her was saying in a loud and obnoxious manner. Sure, have fun, have all the fun you want, but please, not at the expense of every diner near you.
I had taken everyone else’s order and he kept on making jokes, the lady would bray, he would make a joke, the lady would bray, I felt like I was in Groundhog DayMinute. It was almost to the point where I was going to say, “I’ll come back for your order,” thus delaying all of the other orders at the table because of one jackass, when one of the other diners at the table said, “You know, she has other tables.” I almost swallowed my tongue.
The guy looked over and said, “You do?”
I smiled and said, “I do.”
The other diner added, “Several.” Needless to say, the guy made a quick selection and moved on. This did not stop them from being so loud I was embarrassed for them, but it did give me the opportunity to serve the food and ship them off to the bar.
(Our bar at the restaurant.) She was seated to the far right at the high top barely visible in this picture and I could hear her braying all the way at the service line in the back. It gave me a headache.
I don’t guess that really lightened things did it? Oh, did I mention that RM is going to a different location so now I have another new RM? The good thing about old RM, although we had had some serious toe-t0-toe confrontations, was he knew what the hell he was doing. New RM? No. I think he’s trying a little but I also feel a great deal of apathy from him. *Sigh*
I do have something for the “My Kid is Hilarious” file. When I tell Nate to do something (or not do something), he has gotten in the habit of mumbling under his breath, when I ask, as I always do, “What?” He looks up in all innocence and says, “What?” As though nothing as happened. This makes me laugh out loud which is really just a way of squelching the desire to tuck his long-haired head under my arm pit and knuckle his head until we’re both bleeding.
This is getting more difficult as he is now just a mere 1/16th of an inch shorter than I am… with size 11 feet. Oy.
That’s all the love and happiness I can spread around today. Guess I’ll be back in another couple of months. Ya’ll take care.
As you know, I’ve applied for a big uppity job with the Fed’ral Gubbermint. I’ve made the decision that even if they call, I’m going to decline the interview. I’m not going to be happy working in an office full-time. Not now, not ever. I can be intellectual, wear pretty clothes and high heels when I’m not serving and bartending, which makes me happy. Being on the move makes me happy. Writing, making jewelry, dancing, and just even thinking about fiddle playing, makes me happy.
Life is just too fucking short and if the Mayans are right, I have just 3 more years to pursue all the things that make me happy. The biggest thing that made me realize this was when I got my Social Security statement in the mail.
The year before the fire I made $40K. The year of the fire I made $12K. I still paid the mortgage, I still kept the utilities on (sans Internet at times, but that’s not a utility), a car on the road, my son, myself, and the cats fed and pretty well taken care of. Although I would be remiss not to mention that I also received over $2600 in child support and I used some of my house money to keep us going, but still, its no where near the $35K and $40K I made the years leading into 2007.
Things are tight, I don’t always get to travel like I want, Nate isn’t sporting a new Wii (yet), I still have a crapton of outstanding medical bills and debt, but generally I’m happier. Serving and bartending isn’t always the greatest job in the world, but its better than sitting in an office. Its not even what I do as a job that is important as what I do with the free time I have, and, the energy and motivation to do it.
Sure, Restaurant Manager and I are going to clash, this is nothing new. Some of my co-workers are going to be greedy fucks that make me want to slap them around a bit. Some of my co-workers are going to whine, be lazy, and generally get on my nerves, but, you have that everywhere.
Yes, I need a new car and a new roof on my house. I’ll get there. Nate’s window needs fixed as does the shingle on my roof. So, I just signed up for all the free car ads on The Free Car, which has a membership of $40 for 5 years. Car payment or $40 to possibly drive my own car and get money (towards a new car) or a new car to drive for 3-6 months or even 2 years? Its worth looking into. I see cars around here with the ads on their cars so I know its available.
Like I said before, I’ve been submitting some of my writings to the local paper and 38 is never too old to really grab life by the balls and do what I’ve always wanted instead of what everyone else wants. There was an ad in the paper for a writer for the local legal journal. Even then, I’m not so sure I would be happy. So, for now, I’ll be where I am with a new attitude.
Oh, and the funny thing… I told Nate that I wanted to learn to play fiddle and he looked at me with his, “Ya gotta be kiddin’ me, Momma,” look and said, “Well, I hope you install a soundproof wall.” I reminded him that he could just turn up the sound on the iTunes while I closed the door to the bedroom. He said, “Well, just don’t come out until you sound like Charlie Daniels.” Yeah, no pressure there!
In paperwork. I’m applying for state benefits for Nate, applying to replace our Social Security cards, yes, two years after the fire, sending out a kickass resume for a Federal job that was in the paper Sunday (has my name written all over it), and printing and printing and printing information.
I’m surprised they don’t ask for piss and blood as well. I’m so irritated. I have to pay off $360 in medical bills before Nate can start the Aspergers evaluation process (four separate visits to the center). Do they think we don’t have jobs???? One visit to determine what tests he needs. Two more to do the actual evaluation, then another follow-up, then another follow-up separately with his psychiatrist, who was the ONE TO REFER ME IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!
I know this is an important thing, trust me. But at some point, you have to fucking wonder, how much of it is necessary and how much of it is to bleed cash. And Jeff’s insurance is a joke, hence the need to apply for State benefits for Nate and I’m applying for Federal benefits as well.
I’m so tired of struggling under the weight of the bills and just everything. I figure I pay enough in taxes that I should get something in return.
Just so much paperwork! Ugh. I’m not in the mood for it, but I have to. Just have to.
That’s what Nate said last night as we chilled out in my car parked in front of my house on surveillance. It really wasn’t what I intended to do, it just sort of happened.
What started it all was that I had run out of cigarettes and Nate informed me that, yet again, he was hungry. I decided to combine a trip to the local convenience store with a trip to Mickey’s and then return so I could watch the end of “Blood Diamond.” That didn’t happen.
First thing was that I forgot my cellphone. Regardless of whether I’m going down the street, or to downtown, I take my cellphone. This made me unhappy, but since the convenience store is one direction and Mickey’s the other direction, I figured I could stop by on my way to Mickey’s and pick it up.
I’ve been having that “feeling” and Nate has too, that we’re being, well, watched. Nate gets creeped out if the neighborhood dogs bark at a certain time of night and its hard not to be paranoid to some degree with everything that’s going on. However, you tend to tell yourself you’re just being paranoid and you continue to attempt to convince yourself that everything is okay.
Given that, I really wasn’t surprised that I caught Jeff cruising my neighborhood at 10:30 last night. I can’t say it didn’t scare the shit out of me, and I can’t say that I was in the least bit thrilled that what I thought was an irrational fear and a response to the situation, has now been verified as a reality.
Needless to say, I went home, got Nate, and we went to Mickey’s together. We sat in the car upon our return home and just talked and watched. I told him that I was pretty certain that his father had seen me, and therefore had probably left the area.
And really, I thought I was just being paranoid and overly sensitive. Maybe I just wanted to convince myself of that and reach for that sense of peacefulness that I haven’t had in a while. It is out of reach.
So, do I continue to squirrel Nate and myself away in our house, afraid to go out for a pack of cigarettes after dark? Or do I hunt him as he hunts us?
What a sad, sick story this is.
I said, “Rabbit, rabbit,” yesterday and maybe it was good luck that my eyes have been fully opened.
In other news, I have a mother Red-tail Hawk nesting in my Ash tree. I saw her swoop in with a small rodent day before yesterday and heard the unmistakeable Red-Tail cry. Watch over us, Mama.
Rabbit, rabbit, that is. I did! Then realized that my registration expired on my vehicle on the 1st. Not so lucky, or maybe it is that I realized it and can get that taken care of this week.
Sagacious Hillbilly asked just how happy I wanted to be. Well, we all know that happiness is relative. You may be happy in one aspect and miserable in another. Some people say that happiness is a choice you make everyday. I try to remember that. I try to look on the bright side.
Things could be a lot worse. Changing your life is a difficult maneuver and is never without a shit-ton of stress. Stress makes me crabby. Stress makes me thin which then leads to my clothes not fitting which makes me crabby. If I exercise to offset my stress, well, that just makes me thinner too, which then makes me crabbier because, again, my clothes don’t fit and then I get crabby because I don’t have a lot of money to buy clothes that do fit.
However, speaking German makes me happy and I did write my host parents today using the new Deustch-Englisch dictionary they sent me for Christmas. I asked my host father why the German word for thunderstorm is Gewitter when the German words for thunder and storm are Donner and Sturm. It should be Donnersturm because Germans love compound words. By the way, the German word for lightning is Blitzen. Donner and Blitzen, get it? I hope you get it!
And, because peaches make me happy, I’m eating some Carbmaster yogurt. A lot of calcium, protein and peaches, not to mention some L. Acidophilus and B. Bifidum for healthy intestinal flora.
Do you ever watch BBC? I love watching the show about being what you eat except I never was sure about how much the folks weigh because I didn’t know the equivalent weight measure of a “stone.” I now know a stone is 14 lbs. I also watch “Clean House” because it makes me feel better about the fact my house is not nearly as cluttered as some out there. And, I also watch “What Not To Wear” and take Clint and Stacy with me when I actually do go shopping.
Okay, I’m sorta happy now. I have to go mow grass before work. And just so you know, if you ask for a Hummer in Germany, they’ll give you a lobster. Tschuss!
My Blogiversary that is. May 28th. Five years. A lot of words. Our sweet Hermione has been gone a year. Its been 2 years and four months since the fire. Its almost time for Rabbit, Rabbit again.
Time, it keeps moving.
My counselor asked what I wanted to get out of our time together.
That seems like such a simple question but is very difficult to answer.
Perhaps the answers are found in the simple routines of my life, which have become not so simple. Humans are creatures of habit and police officers are taught NOT to be creatures of habit. They are taught not to patrol the same place at the same time everyday. They are taught to go against the grain of forming habits yet to observe the habits of others.
I never leave home at the same time everyday. This is helped by the fact I don’t work the same time everyday, like many people do. I drop Nate off at school a different time everyday. I don’t leave work at the same time everyday. I don’t park in the same spot everyday. I don’t take the same route to work everyday, but I do take the same route home, but sometimes I pick up Nate from school and sometimes I don’t.
I am ever mindful of who is following me in traffic. I am ever mindful of driving in the city that Jeff lives in. I am vigilant for his vehicle when I drive, when I drop Nate at school, and when I pick him up. I wonder if maybe he’s driving something different. I watch for his vehicle through the windows of the restaurant and through the windows of my own home.
I never go to sleep at the same time every night. Sometimes I sit in the dark and most of the time I sleep without feeling as though I’ve slept. My co-workers complain that I never smile anymore. This is compounded by the fact they know Jace and I aren’t seeing each other anymore.
They may have never known had it not been for Irritating Gay Guy who asked what I was doing after work and I responded that I needed to cut grass and take the garbage out. He responded that I could just have Jace do it and I should put him to work, blah, blah, blah, and why didn’t I just have Jace do it? And he wouldn’t shut up about it! I finally said that I didn’t think that would be happening and he just needed to shut his trap about it.
Of course, he’s an idiot and irritating and just kept on until finally Candyman’s Brother, who was working the tank at the time said, “What she means is its none of your damn business and to shut the fuck up.” This finally shut Irritating Gay Guy up.
The break up with Jace is just a small part of what’s bothering me. It does bother me though. I like endings and I like answers. By his own admission, he just disappeared. As I told T-Bird, what bothers me most, is that it appears I didn’t even mean enough to him for him to properly break up with me and what really pisses me off about that is how he just couldn’t wait for me to fall for him. Blah, blah, blah. Whatever.
It fucking bothers me that when he sees me at the restaurant, which is rare, he doesn’t even acknowledge me. Like I did something horrible to him, which I didn’t. I know, I know, he did me a favor. Well, next time, do me a favor and then act like a mature adult about it because right now, all I can think is, “You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille.”
Like I need one more thing on my mind. Bothering me.
I just want to not be so hyper-vigilant. I want to do what is right and best for Nate. I want to be safe and secure and happy. I just want to be happy.
Just wanted to let the world know that when I got home from work today, I found that both of Chico’s ears are now standing up!!!! Before, he had one up and one down. It was funny to manipulate the floppy ear to get it stand up and then he would move and it would fall and Nate and I would say, “Awwwwww.”
Nate told me yesterday, “I think its getting ready to stand up, Mom. I think its ready.” I was transfering clothes from the washer to the dryer and Chico was playing around my feet. I looked down and thought it looked like they were both up, so I picked him up and whoop! There’s the ear!
I’m sorry I don’t have pictures, but I keep forgetting to get more batteries for my camera.
*Sniff* He looks so much older. He also looks striking in his new camoflauge collar, because, as you know, he’s Momma’s Bubba’s Little Badger Dog.
As a side note… if you receive really oustanding service and the food is awesome, and you gush to your server about it, please, let that show in the tip. While I appreciate “The food and service were excellent,” a “Good job” and then tipping 10% doesn’t pay my bills. Its like going in for a yearly performance evaluation, getting excellent marks, and then not getting a raise.
Also, if you decide to drive up on a stop sign, pause, drive through, and then almost get broadsided by my car, don’t give ME a look! Especially since you can’t flip me off because you’re too busy yakking on your cellphone to even stop at a stop sign and look in the other three directions! I will have both hands free to flip you off and loudly honk my horn… for a block and a half. I will then play, “I Hate My Life,” by Theory of a Deadman in your honor.
“I hate all of the people/who can’t drive their cars/bitch you better get outta the way/before I start falling apart.”
Time for bed!