One Week

July 10, 2010 at 12:01 am (Attitude in Overdrive, Crazy Shit, Grad School, My Travels, Nate, Work, Writing)

One week and I am outta here! This time next week I’ll be eating my first meal with my new classmates and advisors, being welcomed into my graduate program. Oh my hell. I CAN’T WAIT!!!

I’m getting ready to apply for a teaching position, exactly where I want to teach. They have openings and not only can I use my upcoming writing degree, I can also use my criminal justice degrees. I would be happy to use both for the time being, however, I plan on using my writing degree more later. I have a vision.

There have been not so good developments around the familial structure. Nate and I were at the local grocery story, in our town, and Nate came running to me in the aisle and said, “My father is here.”  What the fuck?

Nate’s sister also works at this grocery store and Nate goes in search of her and this is when she tells him, “I’m living with father.”  Huh?  According to her she got tired of being the adult in her relationship with her mother. This I can understand, however, am not sure exactly how horrible it could be that she would choose to go live with Jeff.

Nate was supportive and non-judgemental but not in any mood to reconcile with their father the way she has, if she has at all. She has issues, not that Nate doesn’t, but her’s are of an entirely different nature. 

For Nate’s part he was sweating, I could smell him, noticeably nervous, and he told me his knees were knocking.  He also told me on the way home that he was sure his father had learned his lesson, after all, his father had been sitting home alone for over a year.  Ha, oh my naive child… I can’t in any way imagine Jeff has changed at all.

Nate said, “I don’t think I’m ready to see him again.”  Glad he figured that out. I was just really pissed off. Not scared just really irritated.  I stopped at the end of the aisle he was standing in and watched him for a moment. He appeared to be reading the blurb on a book. It took everything I had in me not to walk past him. This was before we really knew what was going on.

Ugh.

Back to happier notions. One week. I’m out of here. Everything is a go. The only thing left is travel arrangements to Columbus. Not sure if T-Bird is taking me or I’m just going to leave my car there. T-Bird is still unemployed but hopeful. Although I’m fairly certain she won’t be employed within one week, she may be employed by the time I come home, which is on a Sunday, so it won’t matter. Luckily this is something that is easily changed.

I have about five to-do lists. packing lists, lists, lists, lists. And in between all of this, I got a new tattoo.  That’s about it. There probably is more but right now I’m watching that new Stephen King based story on Syfy called “Haven.” It’s quite good. Nate and I are enjoying it very much. Oh, and he had a birthday. He’s now 14.

He hadn’t seen his sister for about two months and she couldn’t believe how much taller he is than she is and that his voice was so much deeper.  She almost cried. He’s at least two inches taller than she is and working on even more. He has stretch marks all over his legs. He just keeps growing and his voice just keeps getting deeper.

I’m really excited to learn more about my fellow classmates. I know a little about a few, a couple already have doctorates. One was a gallery manager in Los Angeles, one is an educator in Colorado, one has her own business, one is an educator in Hawaii, one is the daughter of a well known Seattle anarchist, one works in Process Oriented Psychology, I think one is  a Director of Development with an opera, and that is all I could derive from Google and e-mail addresses.  I think there are some like me, just regular folks, or young students transitiong from under-graduate.

I’m already fascinated by these people I don’t know. I wonder if they are as fascinated by me, although if you Google my real name, a woman with the same name who is very, very successful pops up. I am not her. I am successful too,  just not in the same way.

I also got a new netbook, which I’m practicing writing on right now. The keyboard is 93% of a regular keyboard but is still just small enough that I had to cut my fingernails to type efficiently. They needed cut anyway. I like the fact it is very small and so far I’m very pleased with it. Nate will be using it for school also. It’s an Acer Aspire One.  2.8 lbs. 

Still trying to decide on wardrobe other than COMFORTABLE!  So far, the weather forecast is looking excellent!!!  65, 68, and 70 for the highs, low to mid 50s for the lows.  That’s just for the first three days. I check it everyday. Much better than the 101 degrees we had here yesterday.  It finally rained here. Now Nate will have to cut the grass before we leave.  It is supposed to be in the mid to upper 80s for the next 10 days, well, 7 for me, then I’ll be hanging out by Puget Sound.

That reminds me, in addition to all of the bus schedules, maps, and financial aid information, I still need to print out the tides so I know which route to take back from town. I have picked out two nice restaurants, one for sushi and one very similar to the type that I work at.

I’m looking forward to the time difference, at least for the first couple of days so I will be up ealier than anyone and hopefully can catch low tide and sunrise at Point Hudson. Can’t wait to walk on the beach and go beachcombing. The water is too cold to swim in from what I understand, not that I care much for saltwater swimming… gag, however, I do enjoy just walking a long the beach and looking for treasures.  Because my swim suit is very small and light I will include it for possible sunbathing.

And I’m looking forward to meeting my advisor and the program director is also a medium!  He’s giving a class that I’m looking forward to and feel very fortunate to have the opportunity to work with him. 

I could skip. I could wear my hair in braids. Now, if only I could direct this energy to cleaning my house…  ugh.

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Gotta Move, Gotta Go!

July 3, 2010 at 9:20 am (Cats, Crazy Shit, Friends, Grad School, Nate)

Off for the weekend. What a great feeling, except I have so much to do. I got the Residency Schedule for grad school and now I have to figure out which classes I’m taking in addition to the ones I have to take. My eyes were bugging out of my head. There’s so much I’m interested in!!  Plus, looking forward to carving out some free time to explore Fort Worden/Port Townsend. They’re also showing some movies, Pan’s Labyrinth and Into the Wild  are two that I’m interested in.

Plus, they’re going to feed me three times a day.  Anyone who knows me, who has met me, understands the importance of me eating regularly. This is a very good thing.  I haven’t had my coffee yet this morning. I need to go to the bank. I need to hook up my printer. And blackberries are in season. My friend Dave called and asked if Nate and I want to go blackberry picking. That sounds soooo goooood. Better than cleaning house…

Although we could go tomorrow morning before I go to my parents for the 4th. This is how I squeeze so much into one day. Careful planning.

Here is also something, and parents will understand. Sometimes you don’t tell your friends what your kids have done because you’re ashamed to admit that you didn’t kill them for it.

Case in point:  Nate wound one of my elastic hair bands around the nozzle of the sprayer on my sink so that when I turned on the water it sprayed me instead of running from the faucet. Hahahaha. Yeah, that was great. Luckily, I was off that day and I already had on my bathing suit.

Unfortunately… I wasn’t able to get the hair band off of the nozzle… and one of the cats jumped up on the counter and knocked a dish into the hot water valve while I was at work, and Nate was asleep. I came home to a FLOOD of HOT WATER in my kitchen and living room. It felt like a freakin’ sauna in here, not to mention the potential water damage, gas bill, water bill, potential shorting of electrical wires and fire… oh yeah, one of those times I’m ashamed to say I didn’t kill my kid.

This makes shooting out the lightbulbs with cold water from a water gun relatively minor. But guess who got to clean it up? Well, we cleaned it up. The water had run behind the TV into my A/C return and had pooled in the insulated pipe.  I had to stab it with a knife and drain the water.  So, now I have water in my crawl space, on TOP of the vapor lock. That’s going to be one nasty clean up. I almost feel sorry for Nate. Almost. Nah, not really.

Mr. President, Mr. Vice-President, former President Clinton and a host of others were on hand yesterday for the memorial service for Senator Robert Byrd. Bill cracked me up. Wish I could have gone but was stuck watching on TV.

As you can see, things are moving right along here. Time for coffee. Happy 4th. Celebrate your independence and remember all of those who have fought for it, including my brother, who is serving near Khowst, Afghanistan. Keep our servicemen and women in your prayers.

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Well, Shit

April 19, 2010 at 1:55 pm (Alice in Chains, Attitude in Overdrive, Cats, Crazy Shit, Music, My Travels, Nate, Relationships, Writing)

I’m really down today. Went to bed that way, woke up that way, trying not to be that way only makes it worse. I’m going to see Alice in Chains tonight, which should be a reason for celebration and I’m sure it will be, but, I’m not there yet. I’m still here, stewing in my recent unfufilled fantasies, which really translates to recent failures.

I should be fucking happy and grateful. I make a good living doing something I really enjoy,  Nate still has the opportunity to pass 8th grade, I’m applying to grad school, I have food, clothing, shelter, cable, internet, a car that is paid off, money in a savings account, heat when I’m cold, and air conditioning when I’m hot and since it’s Spring, finally, I may have both on the same day. I sure have a lot to complain about.

Still, my therapist would tell me to just admit I’m heartbroken, to admit I have feelings and that my feelings are important, and that someone hurt them. And that someone is Adonis.

I think everyone has problems with being ignored and overlooked. I particulary have deep seeded problems with this given that my accomplishments in life have been mainly overlooked and ignored by my parents, my mother in particular, in favor of my brother.  I take it so personal, so deep down in the gut when someone ignores me, to the point of acute evil anger which is really just hurt disguised because anger is more righteous than hurt.

Adonis and I had talked about going hiking together and had exchanged a couple of e-mails about it. Because of my work schedule and their unwillingness, despite my oft-mentioned reminders of what our agreement was (work the shitty Sunday shift and I get Saturday off, at least while Nate is in school), I requested May 1st off for the traditional German day of hiking and in celebration of Walpurgisnacht.

I sent Adonis an e-mail, now 9 days ago, asking him about his interest in going hiking on May 1st, figuring this would only be the nice thing to do given he has a full life and so do I and making plans ahead of time would probably be a good idea. He did the worst thing imagineable, he ignored me. Then when I saw him last night at work, he said hi and then wouldn’t look at me the rest of the evening.

This is all very bad news for mutiple things, one being my ego, two being hope, and three being dreams – at least as they relate to him. It’s rare around this town to find someone that is single, good looking, not gay, intelligent, and isn’t afraid to get a little dirty. I know he isn’t afraid of this because I’ve seen pictures of him and his four-wheeler plastered with mud. I like that in a man. I like the fact that he wears a suit and tie and has a great job that he works very hard at and is still a down-to-Earth humble person.

He also hurt my feelings which suddenly makes all of the other shit not worth a damn. Reject me if you’re not feeling it, but don’t fucking ignore me. I would rather be rejected than ignored. Ignoring someone is a rejection, but it isn’t an honest rejection. It’s a poor man’s rejection. It’s just fucking rude and man, it fucking hurts.

And what is with all of the other bullshit that has gone on with us in the past months? What? I mean, seriously! Stop the act, Adonis! Or just tell me you’ve changed your mind, don’t want to, sorry, you’re too old for me, sorry, I don’t want to be your friend, sorry, I don’t have time for you. Good Goddess, tell me something, BUT DON’T FUCKING IGNORE ME! 

FUCK!

I’m not normally given to self-pity but today, I’m wallowing in it like a dog wallows in the first shitpile it finds after a bath. I’m sure my therapist would be happy to know I’m taking time out of my day to admit I have feelings, admit someone hurt them, and that I’m crying over it, which apparently are normal responses instead of my past response of attempting to squash it under my boot like an annoying crunchy bug and mash it into a crack in the sidewalk and forget to attempt it ever existed.

“It’s all right/there comes a time/got no patience to search/for peace of mind/Layin’ low/want to take it slow/no more hiding or/disguising truths I’ve sold” – Alice in Chains from Jar of Flies.

My cracks are full of mashed crunchy bugs and I’ve been working at digging their skeletal remains out. What a nasty job. I’d rather not add the insult of another crunchy bug to the injury the skeletons have left behind. Plus, I’d rather not go psycho mean on his ass. He may deserve it, but I’m not lowering myself to dish it.  What is it they say, you can stand up for yourself without being an ass about it?

“Hope, a new beginning/Time, time to start living/Like just before we died/there’s no going back/to the place/we started from/Hurt, falling through fingers/Trust, trust in the feeling/There’s something left inside/There’s no going back/to the place/we were before/all secrets known/Calm, all wounds are healing/Strong, truth is worth saving/I want to feel alive…” All Secrets Known – Jerry Cantrell from Black Gives Way to Blue.

Another thing. This whole situation has not given me much courage and really, I need some courage. It’s no secret to anyone here, especially myself, that I’m a lemming when it comes to Jerry Cantrell’s music. I study his lyrics like I study Maya Angelou, Ernest Hemingway, Jim Harrison, and other writers. I plan on doing one of my grad papers on his lyrics, both from Alice and his solo work. What?  He’s a poet too.

Anyway, I just have this idea for some of my writings and I want so bad just to have five minutes of his time to ask if in the future, if he would be interested in doing something like that with me. It takes a certain bit of ingenuity, but I am nothing if not ingenious, to steal five minutes of his time, hell, maybe three. But it also takes courage and a willingness to stiffen my spine and take the rejection, which frankly, my success rate at this endeavor, to work with him, is almost assured at 1% and maybe less, but my failure rate is assuredly 100% if I don’t have the courage to ask.

Courage is a quality or spirit that enables someone to face difficulty without fear. Brave is having courage. Fearlessness, pluck, mettle, nerve, spunk, spirit, audacity.

If I don’t ask the answer will always be no.  If I don’t ask the answer will always be no. If I don’t ask the answer will always be no.

What do you call it if you still face difficulty but you still have fear? What if I do have the opportunity to ask but I’m still shaking like a leaf when I do? What’s that called? Stupid but brave? Brave but stupid? Courageously stupid? Courageously stupid but hopeful?

I still have time. It’s not like I have to ask today and maybe there would be a better time to ask. A different approach. Ingenuity. Sometimes it’s not what you ask but where and when and I’m pretty good at determining that.  For now, I’ll leave that in limbo and that’s okay. I’m no where near where I want to be on that project anyway. Maybe I should actually finish writing it first!!!

I get excited and put the cart before the horse when I should be much more methodical in my approach, at least to some things.  Potential energy is a good thing, but really, you have to make sure its going to go kinetic before involving other mortals. This is also what you call “inspiration.”  Move your ass, or you’ll never get to ask him because it should be transitioning between potentional and kinetic before you make your move.

“I go to sleep behind the eight ball/I live to fight for one day/I’m trapped in the cold outside/there ain’t no shelter/they wanna force my hand/’Til I/Take what I wanted, and/break all the lies that they/feed, the fuckin’ liars/smash all the temples, and/crawl through the rubble, and/cry to the fallen/I’m the last my kind still standing…”   – Last of my Kind – Jerry Cantrell and William DuVall from Black Gives Way to Blue.

Good to have figured that out now instead of stressing about it all damn day and ruining my 1% chance by putting my ass before my brain. By doing so, I may have just increased my odds to 5%.

That’s comforting.

 Back to Adonis. I told T-Bird about what happened and her response isn’t really relevant. It was everything you would expect from a best friend. However, I told her that as Nate and Cam and I sat at dinner after hiking on Saturday that I thought about the empty chair beside of me at that four top table. For some reason, Nate and Cam, even at 13 and 15, still don’t act mortified that I’m around and even though I give them space, they’re very inclusive of this old lady.

However, it does nothing to fill that empty chair at the table with an adult, and forgive me my female friends, but I want it to be a guy, like a boyfriend or potential boyfriend guy that I could sit and chat with while the boys are talking about video games. And me, the one who values her solitude, has to admit loneliness in those moments.

It took that empty chair to make me realize I am lonely and how much I wished there was a special someone, a just for me someone, there to fill it. Oh wait, I mean, I’m admitting it out loud.

“Tears that soak a callous heart,” – I Stay Away – Alice of course – Jar of Flies.

It’s days like this I really miss Smokey. He never minded when I cried into his fur. He would just grab a hold of my face with his paws, lick my forehead with his rough-ass cat tongue, and chew my hair. Boy, am I making the rounds today. My therapist asked and I admitted to the fear that if I start crying I may never stop, that there may not be a way to “Dam That River.” 

This may be the day I never stop.

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Burdens Lifted

November 22, 2009 at 3:28 pm (AZ, Crazy Shit, Friends, Relationships)

Hard to believe its been almost a month since I’ve been here. Some of you have asked about the Ghost Adventures thing.  It was interesting. I got to see Dean Haglund for a few minutes.  I wasn’t overwhelmed. I’m not saying TALA doesn’t have supernatural activity, but I will say that any experiences I’ve had have been spontaneous, not contrived and I certainly don’t go around saying, “Come ghost! Come and get me!” Blargh.

However, I did take one picture that turned out fairly well. They had the front of TALA lit up and it created a really evil shadow behind it, which was impossible to catch with my dinky camera. However, I do like the one pic that did turn out.

I’ll drift backwards a bit more and tell you about our trip to Coalwood for the October Sky Festival. We had a really good time and it was much, much larger than the first time we went… and much warmer.

Here’s Nate with Homer:

And Nate with Natalie Cannerday, who played Elsie Hickham in “October Sky.” She was a real hoot and Nate thought she was the shizznat.

I also took this picture of a police officer from a neighboring town called Keystone (and eavesdropped on his conversation with DJs from WELC). Yes, he’s a Keystone Kop and in reference to the 1960’s comedy, “Car 54, Where Are You?” that somewhat parodied the original Keystone Kops, his dispatch number was 54. He said it was a humbling experience.

Here are the Rocket Boys:

Jimmy (O’Dell) Carroll, Homer Hickam, Roy Lee Cooke, Billy Rose, and some dude. I don’t know who he is. I’ll have to send the picture to Roy Lee and find out. Roy Lee lives across the hill from me and we’ve struck up a friendship. We had a beer a week or so ago and he signed Nate’s “Rocket Boys” book and then asked if Nate wanted him to sign for the rest of the guys too, even Sherman (who is dead). LOL! He’s a hoot!

A pic of the old Coalwood Elementary (facade), seriously, nothing left behind this structure but a few crumbling piles of bricks and a few other pics of our trip, including part of  a coal tipple.

Then there was my sorta class reunion. We didn’t have time for a full-fledged class reunion so the ones that could got together and went to a football game and dinner. I made it to dinner.

 These are my friends Mark and Millie. Mark was my first “boyfriend”… in Kindergarten and Millie and I were tight in Junior High and High School. We had a really good time.

And this is part of where I go walking in the mornings:

But, shall I get to the real reason I’m here. A month or so ago, I had talked to AZ and he had mentioned having lunch with me on a day off. He didn’t call me, which I had expected, and I had forgot about it until I had a day off during the week. I thought, “Hell, we’ll see if he can put his money where his mouth is.” I texted him and didn’t hear from him until around 11. We met later at a local fast food place and had some lunch and I filled him in on the situation with Jeff and Nate and how work was and we chit-chatted about things, including one of his rental properties that he was currently working on because it had been trashed.

I went over with him and met one of his tenants who was helping him. I went back home and returned with the wedding gift I had made, two years late, but better late than never. He put it up in the cabinet of the rental and my best guess is it is either still there or he took it to his office. I doubt seriously his wife will ever see it. It was nice to just hang out with him and talk.

Two weeks later, or about a week ago, I texted him about a local station that suddenly went to a Christmas format, to see if he knew what the deal was. He called me and said they were as much in the dark as anyone and again invited me to lunch. I told him I would text him. So, I did. Again, we met at a local restaurant (he works in the city that we live in) and this time lunch lasted for two hours.

I told him of the recent troubles I’d had at work and gave him some of my new fiction. He told me he was unhappy in his marriage, that the last two years were nothing like he had expected, somedays he felt like he was taking care of a 16 year-old daughter instead of having a wife, unhappy at his job, and he was depressed and generally unhappy.  Of course there were examples and explanations to go along with that.  After a few “You gotta fucking kidding me’s” – eyerolls – and other annoyed noises from me, we said, “See ya later.”  

He had to know that was going to roll around in my head for a while and I wasn’t going to let it lie. I got up the next morning and wrote him an e-mail. I basically told him, in a nutshell, what I’ve said on this blog since December of 2007, and more since September of 2008. I told him why I had dropped out of his life, how much it hurt when he got married and how much I felt as though I had lost my best friend and I was pretty pissed with the fact it hadn’t seemed to help his situation and really, that neither of them was helping the situation either. What a waste.

I also told him it was up to him as what to do with this life and to either get help or not for his depression and what to do about his marriage. I didn’t have a dog in that fight. I’d be there to listen but that was it. It was hard for me to admit, mainly to myself,  how much I’ve really missed him. Not the bullshit, just him.

He took it well. He almost seemed happy. One bizarre note: After lunch, while we were talking, I noticed something very strange about his eyes. I said, “AZ, why are your eyes green?”  He said, “They do that sometimes.”

“No, they don’t. I’ve known you for almost 18 years and I’d swear on a stack of bibles that your eyes are brown, have been brown, and have never been a shade of green, which, by the way, is creepy and almost frightening.”

“I know what my driver’s license says, but sometimes they get this way.”

“Its creepy.”

AZ wasn’ t the only one to feel the sting of my honest observations and how it relates to MY mental health. I also wrote to Troy and told him I would not be meeting him in VA for my birthday because I’m done with making up for where other people make mistakes and are not happy with their decisions. Its not my fault he married an alcoholic and not my fault he stays married to her and there’s nothing I can do about that except be his friend and listen. But, that’s all I was going to be.  Not his fuck buddy or the person he wants to be with while she’s in Australia.

Whether it was him or AZ or any of the other married, engaged, committed in some way, men that I’ve been messing with over the course of my life. I’m done being a side-dish. Your life will never change if you continue to do the same things and hope for a different outcome, that equals insanity. I want so much more and deserve to be so much more. I can’t bitch to them about having the courage to change their lives if I’m consistently falling back into my old patterns and being unhappy.

They both took this well and appear to understand and respect the boundaries I’ve placed on our friendships. It wouldn’t matter if they took it well or not, that’s just a bonus, because it didn’t matter whether they like it or not, that’s the way it was going to be, with or without them.

And me, I’m much more at peace. I’ll not say I’m happier, I’ll say I’m glad I was honest and that they know how I feel. It lifted burdens I’ve been carrying around for a long time and without those burdens its much easier to let the happiness I have inside come out. I feel stronger and much more badass than I have in a long time. Not badass as in bitchy, but badass as in, I rock!!!

I told T-Bird that not only is it the anniversary of my birth but also my new year. So, Happy New Year to me!!!

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Going to the Ghosties… Again

October 29, 2009 at 11:45 pm (Crazy Shit, Work)

As all of you know, Nanner has weird tastes and that includes going to abandonded prisons and lunatic asylums, haunted houses, haunted towns, and just generally wherever the ghosties are. Last year, I took Nate and Cam to the Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum. The Travel Channel finally got with the program and are broadcasting live tomorrow night from 8 p.m. to 3 a.m. or something like that. They are locking their Ghost Adventures guys in the asylum for seven hours.

Although I would like for you to watch, most definitely would love for you to watch the show, the real point of this post is that I’m going to be there!  No, not inside with the film crew, not hunting ghosties, no, not on TV, but I am going to be outside. Le Restaurant is catering the event and I volunteered to help chef with the 3 a.m. breakfast call. Actually, I just want to be there. I don’t care about going inside, I just want to be there. Jennifer Garner had her father’s birthday party at the restaurant and I missed all of the fun. Not this time!

Actually, I’ll be there from about 9:30 p.m.-ish to right after we finish with breakfast (for 130 – imagine eggs for a 130 peeps) which starts at the aforementioned 3 a.m. Then I will drive home (almost 2 hours), take a nap, and then go to work at 10 a.m. because I truly do belong at the Lunatic Asylum.

Watch the Travel Channel and also wish my good buddy Kenju a Happy Birthday!

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Reasons

October 1, 2009 at 3:03 pm (Alice in Chains, Crazy Shit, Music, Nate, Writing)

Why I have not blogged:

1. I am training to walk a marathon.

2. I’ve been working on my screenplay. In one day I created a wonderful character that I fell in love with and then killed him, of course because he asked me to, to serve as a catalyst for the protagonist. I cried for an hour.

3. Since Jeff dipped out of our lives permanently, for now, that is, I’ve been doing a lot of crying, whether I’m killing my favorite characters or not. His “leaving” is a catalyst for the protagonist and here, I’m the protagonist.

4. I’ve been watching TV with Nate. We hang out a lot. This reminds me of how precious he is so that I do not come unhinged over his abysmal grades.

5. Sometimes, I nap.

6. I’ve been observing my world like I’ve never seen it before.

He stood on the edge of the parking lot, white hair glistening in the Autumn sun. I wondered if long, dark grey, wool coats, stiff black suits, and crisp white shirts were the standard issue uniform for funeral home personnel. Alway so pristine, as though lint and cat hairs are afraid to bond to their clothing. I glanced around for a hearse and thought that he must be waiting to direct them, anyone, to the right entrance.  Later, I saw him in the same place, hands clasped behind him, coat fluttering open in the breeze, enough to see the unwaivering tie and matching handkerchief. It was then I realized he was waiting for death, perhaps even calling to it.

7. I have been memorizing and singing all of the new songs by Alice In Chains. As always, their music is a soundtrack for my life. Some of my favorite lyrics:

A wolf alone upon the hillside
i live on what they thrown away
i go to sleep behind the eight ball
i live to fight for one more day

i’m trapped in the cold outside
there ain’t no shelter
they wanna force my hand
til i take what i wanted
and break all the lies
that they feed,  the fucking liars
smash all the temples
and crawl through the rubble
and cry to the fallen  (Last of My Kind)

No one plans to take the path that brings you lower
And here you stand before us all and say it’s over
It’s over  (Your Decision) Beautiful, amazing song. Cathartic.

Pray, squeal when you’re caught
Cry, it’s not my fault (When The Sun Rose Again) Love the guitar on this song.

I don’t wanna feel no more
It’s easier to keep falling

Consciously avoiding changes
Curtain drawn, now it’s done
Silencing all tomorrows
Forcing our goodbyes

Lay down, black gives way to blue
Lay down, I’ll remember you (Black Gives Way to Blue)

Sir Elton John plays on this song. Simple and simply beautiful.  A live video of this song, minus Sir Elton.

 That’s about it. Just trying to get my ducks in a row. Oh, and I had to fix a couple lyrics. I just got my liner notes downloaded and got all of the RIGHT lyrics. Oh yeah.

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NY Times Vid

September 28, 2009 at 9:17 am (Crazy Shit, General, Memories)

This is a video on the New York Times website about water contamination by coal companies. I went to high school with the lady featured in the video and she lives about 5 miles from where I grew up. Very sad, folks. Very sad.

NY Times

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Stunned

September 17, 2009 at 10:17 pm (Crazy Shit, dreams, Faith, Family, Nate, Relationships)

Yesterday, I received a call from my attorney’s paralegal. She said they had received a letter from Jeff’s attorney stating that Jeff did not believe that he or Nate was being treated fairly by the Court, that he loved his son, but, he would be withdrawing his objection to the petition and hoped that when Nate was older that he could explain his side of things and the two could have a relationship.

That was Jeff-speak for, “I’m a drunk, I don’t want help, I don’t want counseling, I’m not changing, I’m not trying, I haven’t gotten my way, so I’m taking my booze and I’m going home. This all someone else’s fault, but not mine. Nope, I’m the victim.”

Stunned, shocked, angry, relieved, sad, disgusted, angry, amazed, angry, very angry, stunned… just a few of the emotions I experienced. And the tears. I had forgotten that I still had it in me to cry. But I did, and I cried today too.

After all I’ve been through, after all I’ve studied, after all the counseling… how could I have forgotten how strong addiction is and how absolutely delusional it makes someone. How could I have forgotten the blaming behavior and zero accountability and zero responsibility for his actions.

I know I did the right thing. It is just the saddest thing for a man, for anyone, to choose a bottle (a syringe, a toke, a smoke, a gamble, pick your poison) over their family. And, this isn’t the first time, but for us, its the last.

Last night, I had a dream I was in a hospital and I had a black eye. The black eye is the pain, the hospital is the need to heal.

Yesterday, I was driving Nate to school and a doe ran in front of my car. I had seen her coming from the side so I had already slowed to stop.  It wasn’t until later that I really understood. My grandmother sends the doe as a sign to me, and the symbol of the deer is that of gentleness, unconditional love, and kindness.  Its comforting.

Yesterday, I got a hug from my Greek Adonis, conversation, and he asked me to make him beaded cufflinks. I was trying to explain about looming and he was rather confused. He said, “I’m going to Google that so that next time I can discuss it with some intelligence.” I like the idea of having a “next time.”  He is so humble, gentle, kind, intelligent, genuine, classy, he’s fucking Prince Charming. He should be in a damn Disney movie!  He looks like he should be in a damn Disney movie.

The spirits show themselves and they nudge a little. And *deep breath* *exhale* I’m ready for that.  I’m ready for change for the better.

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Windows and A Tornado

September 10, 2009 at 8:43 am (Crazy Shit, dreams, Nate, Relationships, The House)

Guess what one of my dreams featured last night? I’m not sure if I had two dreams or one dream, but it seemed like two dreams. In one dream, I was in a high rise, more like a hotel, but there was bad weather outside, rain, and I felt a draft from the huge windows.

In the next dream I saw a tornado through large windows. I literally saw the vegetation being pulled from the ground, ala “Twister,” and while I ran to a stairwell and hid because I believed the windows would be blown out, the two ladies in the room with me didn’t run, and the windows didn’t blow out.

These are actually all good signs of transformation and moving on with my life. Oh, did I tell you that I dreamed I was getting married the other night? Yeah, to our bartender, Candyman. Oddly enough, I was very calm in the dream about getting married, very peaceful. This is also a good sign.

Perhaps this is because I found an odd e-mail from Jeff at my secondary e-mail.  It read (with poor grammar, spelling, and punctuation preserved):  “I want to congratulate you, with your win. Though lies, and being friends of the COURT you have won. I don’t know what you’ve gained, (and what harm you did to Nate, by going this path) but I hope you’re happy.”

My first response was “Huh?” I don’t see us agreeing with the Court’s suggestion that he and Nate undergo counseling at the same place and letting the doctor decide as to when or if they would have counseling together and future visitations as a win. I was under the impression we had an AGREEMENT, not a win or a loss. Besides, no one really wins.

Nate said, after I told him about the e-mail, said, “That sounds like a great e-mail to me!” I said, “Why?”  He said, “Because Daddy never just gives in like that.”  Or something along those lines.  Yeah, I know. And given that the e-mail was sent… a week after the hearing. I’m not sure what all that means. Bullshit probably.

The new counselor did tell me that Jeff had missed his initial appointment and as of that time, had not called to reschedule… being in contempt of the agreement that we both call within 48 hours of the hearing to schedule our appointments and the Court’s insistence that we all attend each and every counseling session as scheduled.

The counselor asked if I thought Jeff would be compliant with the Court’s order and I said, “Only if you don’t ask him to seek treament for his alcoholism and don’t tell him that he’s wrong about anything.”

I’m not lying. I don’t have to lie. The truth is bad enough. I’m contemplating writing a want ad in the paper to trade houses with someone who wants to live here and I’ll go live where they live, and we’ll owner sell our places to each other for the mortgage payoff, so long as they are similar. LOL! Impossible dreams are my forte.

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And Such…

September 7, 2009 at 1:57 pm (AZ, Cats, Chico, Crazy Shit, Family, Fitness, Nate)

Let’s see – Judge ordered (and we agreed so as not to yell and scream for 45 minutes) that Jeff and Nate will see the same counselor, separately, and that she will determine when they should have counseling together, and then advise the Court regarding overnight visits.

Nate is unhappy about having another counselor as he likes going to the Domestic Violence center.  He’s still going to go to the Center, but just deal with different issues. We’ll know more after his first appointment with his new counselor.

When Nate and I came home last night with one of Nate’s buddies, I saw a man walking down the street toward my house. He moved over behind my neighbor’s van as though to get out of our way, but when I pulled in at my house, he turned around and started walking in the direction that he had just came from. And it was raining.

I wonder if he really thinks I’m that stupid that I don’t know its him. Moron. I guess he figured I had caught him driving around the neighborhood and now he would try a different approach.

Anyway, Nate is doing well so far with school. He’s putting a lot of effort into it, doing his homework, and he and I have the agreement that I won’t question every tiny paper in his backpack as long as his grades are good and he’s turning his work in. He’s still irritating me with getting to school on time… he likes walking in when the bell rings, which annoys me. However, he knows if he causes himself to be tardy then he loses his electronic privileges for the evening.

He seems so relaxed, happy, and so much more mature.  He still has a lot of anger and hurt over his father, but I’m hopeful that counseling will continue to whittle that away and give him the tools he needs to deal with it appropriately.

We are fostering Nate’s sister’s cat, Moose. She and her mother are getting ready to move out of their current living arrangement into a place of their own. Her Mom’s boyfriend (soon to be ex), has nixed the cat living there until they can leave. So, Moose lives with me for now. He and Chico are about the same size and they play like demons. Its hilarious.

I told my mom about Moose and she said, “Well, if she doesn’t come back and get him then I’m coming down there and personally taking him to the animal shelter! You have too many pets as it is now!” 

Ya’ll, my mother has serious issues.  It may have gone unnoticed to her, but it isn’t lost on me that I’ll be 39 years old this year, I pay my own mortgage, and my own utilities, I pay for everything!  I’ve lived on my own for 14 years and wow, I’m raising a child too. Amazing that I’ve made it this far without her controlling my every move.  She’s messed up in the head.

Wilbur is a big ball of fuzz and he’s not going anywhere either. No, my mother doesn’t know about him. I’m afraid she’ll attempt a catnapping. Bizarre.

I saw AZ the other day. It was … okay. I saw him while Nate and I were out to eat. His wife, mother, and another mutual friend were with him. I’m still hurt but its fading. Seriously… I really know why he married her. She has no confidence whatsoever, and Clint and Stacy would have had a field day with her whole look that day. And he’s so self-absorbed and insecure… her letting him have the continous spotlight is perfect.

He made the comment that Nate’s hair was long… and he was so tall. Yep, that happens when they grow up.  He stood there for a while until I remembered to stand up and give him a oh-yeah-guess-I should-hug-you hug. Used to be I would have jumped up and given him a real hug, but… just didn’t really feel the need.  It was painful just exchanging pleasantries with him. Painful in that I didn’t really want to. I was being polite.

I described her to my counselor as a mouse, with sound effects and visuals. I cracked her up so bad she didn’t even have a chance to tell me, “No, no, not nice, examine your feelings, Grasshopper.”  I said, “Well, being married to him hasn’t done her any favors.”  And while I know that he and I were totally incompatible in so many ways, it still hurts, and I’m angry, and she makes me roll my eyes.

And, it pisses me off that he acts like things haven’t changed since he got married.  And, naturally, he buries his head in the sand instead of addressing it. That’s his way of not dealing with it. I’m going to deal with it. He doesn’t have to participate in it, he doesn’t have to make any peace with me or it, but I do, and I will.

Ugh, that whole situation just irritates me. And, my mother irritates me. Really.

I have lost about three pounds and two inches from my waist since starting my new diet and exercise regime.  I’m three inches from goal and I don’t really have a weight goal, just an inches goal for my waist and just to be healthier.

That’s about it. Have a great day.

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