Team Emmett!

June 29, 2010 at 2:12 am (Alice in Chains, Attitude in Overdrive, Grad School, My Travels, Work)

Everyone is so into the Team Jacob versus Team Edward. I’m on Team Emmett. What a happy-go-lucky vampire! And he’s funny, and a brute. Yeah, totally on Team Emmett.

Worked a long time today. I guess they forgot to schedule a cocktail server so they asked me to stay. It was busier than hell! Worked my butt off.

On the countdown for Washington, two weeks and three days. My pre-registration is complete, I have my new suitcase, I have my plane ticket, I have my financial aid, I have a babysitter. I still need to get my transportation from Seattle to Port Townsend taken care of and I really want a  new netbook. Time will tell on that one.

I still love Alice because some things never change.

I JUST CAN’T FREAKIN’ WAIT TO GET TO WASHINGTON!!!!!

Land of Forks, and Cullens, and Quileute.

AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!  WHY AM I NOT ALREADY THERE???? Land of seafood and lighthouses and fog. Land of mountains and sand and sea.

Do you realize “An Officer and a Gentleman” was filmed there?

Do you know how beautiful it is there?

What?  Do you not see the shirt he’s wearing – SEATTLE.  Plus, I mean, it’s Jerry Cantrell, and he’s sexy in his Seattle shirt. And he looks happy!  None of that posed, serious rocker… just someone enjoying what they’re doing… with a very hot goatee.. and badass muscular arms… Jerry makes an excellent muse.

And so will the Northwest. Jeebus… am I there yet???

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*Swipe* *Dust Cloud*

June 16, 2010 at 11:09 am (Alice in Chains, Black Stone Cherry, Music, My Travels, Nate, Relationships, Writing)

Wow, this place gets dusty and dirty when it isn’t used regularly. Looks one step below a crack house.

Okay! So much has been going on I don’t really know where to start, but let’s start with Alice because Alice is so much fun!

The show was AMAZING! The crowd was so much better than in D.C. and the guys responded by playing a few extra songs, which certainly didn’t break my heart. Mike Inez posted on the Alice blog that it was one of the best crowds they had ever played for and we had been short-listed if they decided to add more American dates after they finished up in Europe. Oh yeah! He said he never knew West Virginians were so crazy! Ha!

In other concert news, I went to see Black Stone Cherry this past Friday and they rocked the house at the V Club in Huntington along with Split Nixon and Stitch Rivet. I actually liked Split Nixon better than Stitch Rivet. Unlike Alice, they did throw us a bone and played one of their new songs from their forthcoming album. It was great seeing them again. It was hotter than hell in that club though. I was sweating like a pig but what a show!

I have been accepted to graduate school. Okay, my heart seized up a little there. And I’m contemplating a job change to go along with it. I got all of my financial aid squared away, my plane ticket to Seattle, and I’m just so freakin’ psyched! Especially since I’ll be staying on the Olympic Peninsula and it is about 20 degrees (or more) cooler there! No, I’m not moving. It is a low-residency program so I’ll be going to Washington every 6 months. I know, poor me to have to visit the Northwest that often.

I’m getting my Masters in … Creative Writing. I know, shocking! And, I’m doing my “thesis” on Jerry Cantrell’s lyrics. I KNOW! Is that not cool!?! This is why I chose the Port Townsend residency instead of Vermont.  Thrilled to be going to the land of the grunge!

Part of the Master’s Program includes a minimum of 15 hours of teaching. I’m currently looking into several programs around the area, but my preference is Southern West Virginia. I have also contemplated getting my substitute teaching certificate for primary and secondary schools. Needless to say, I’ve been hopping around like a little bunny rabbit.

An old friend of mine who is an educator told me there wasn’t much money in the education field. I told him, “Sweetheart, if I wanted to make the big bucks, I would be studying quantum physics.”  I’m a simple person, not very materialistic. I just want to be able to support me and Nate and have a bit of money left over for travel and to put back for emergencies. I do that now… as a waitress, and even in WV, professors make more than waitresses.

If it’s one thing I’ve learned being a waitress, you cannot allow money (tips) or lack thereof to influence how you feel about yourself. I’ve been poor, I’ve been prosperous, but I’d rather be happy and prosperous. Besides, I’ll still be writing. I may hit it big, I may not. What is most important is, I’m doing what I’ve ALWAYS WANTED TO DO, and I’m over the moon.

Nothing happening in the relationship department. Nada. Oh well.

I’m still seeing my counselor. It helps, a whole lot. 

Nate’s voice is changing and he has informed me he is sprouting “fur” in places I would rather not know about. He tried to convince me he had hair on his upper lip. He does, when I squint and use a magnifying glass. He’s taller than I am by an inch and a half and he loves it.

He failed the 8th grade – or as he said, “Epic fail.”  I warned him, his teachers warned him, and he didn’t listen. We both took it well. I told him I was disappointed that he didn’t apply himself but I was also not too upset in letting him marinate another year. Nate is the kind of kid who could use it. I would rather he be 19 when he starts college. Plus, he learned I wasn’t going to browbeat him nor take responsibility for something he is old enough to take responsibility for himself.

Better he learn now than later that there are consequences for his own actions and that Mom is not bailing him out and chasing him around like he is five to turn his homework in. He’s almost 14. Those days are over. 

He hasn’t spoken to his father for over a year and it doesn’t appear as though that will change anytime soon. I don’t care if it ever changes. Jeff is poison.

Well, that’s all I have. I need to get Nate up and we need to get to grass mowing before the storms start hitting later this afternoon. But first, I have to empty the refrigerator to feed him. Goddess, that young man can EAT! Plus, I’ve taken him off of his medicine for the summer, at least temporarily so he will eat more since he is growing soooo fast! I also need to write, clean litterboxes, clean up the house, compose letters to colleges around the area, etc. etc.

Ya’ll take care!

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Well, Shit

April 19, 2010 at 1:55 pm (Alice in Chains, Attitude in Overdrive, Cats, Crazy Shit, Music, My Travels, Nate, Relationships, Writing)

I’m really down today. Went to bed that way, woke up that way, trying not to be that way only makes it worse. I’m going to see Alice in Chains tonight, which should be a reason for celebration and I’m sure it will be, but, I’m not there yet. I’m still here, stewing in my recent unfufilled fantasies, which really translates to recent failures.

I should be fucking happy and grateful. I make a good living doing something I really enjoy,  Nate still has the opportunity to pass 8th grade, I’m applying to grad school, I have food, clothing, shelter, cable, internet, a car that is paid off, money in a savings account, heat when I’m cold, and air conditioning when I’m hot and since it’s Spring, finally, I may have both on the same day. I sure have a lot to complain about.

Still, my therapist would tell me to just admit I’m heartbroken, to admit I have feelings and that my feelings are important, and that someone hurt them. And that someone is Adonis.

I think everyone has problems with being ignored and overlooked. I particulary have deep seeded problems with this given that my accomplishments in life have been mainly overlooked and ignored by my parents, my mother in particular, in favor of my brother.  I take it so personal, so deep down in the gut when someone ignores me, to the point of acute evil anger which is really just hurt disguised because anger is more righteous than hurt.

Adonis and I had talked about going hiking together and had exchanged a couple of e-mails about it. Because of my work schedule and their unwillingness, despite my oft-mentioned reminders of what our agreement was (work the shitty Sunday shift and I get Saturday off, at least while Nate is in school), I requested May 1st off for the traditional German day of hiking and in celebration of Walpurgisnacht.

I sent Adonis an e-mail, now 9 days ago, asking him about his interest in going hiking on May 1st, figuring this would only be the nice thing to do given he has a full life and so do I and making plans ahead of time would probably be a good idea. He did the worst thing imagineable, he ignored me. Then when I saw him last night at work, he said hi and then wouldn’t look at me the rest of the evening.

This is all very bad news for mutiple things, one being my ego, two being hope, and three being dreams – at least as they relate to him. It’s rare around this town to find someone that is single, good looking, not gay, intelligent, and isn’t afraid to get a little dirty. I know he isn’t afraid of this because I’ve seen pictures of him and his four-wheeler plastered with mud. I like that in a man. I like the fact that he wears a suit and tie and has a great job that he works very hard at and is still a down-to-Earth humble person.

He also hurt my feelings which suddenly makes all of the other shit not worth a damn. Reject me if you’re not feeling it, but don’t fucking ignore me. I would rather be rejected than ignored. Ignoring someone is a rejection, but it isn’t an honest rejection. It’s a poor man’s rejection. It’s just fucking rude and man, it fucking hurts.

And what is with all of the other bullshit that has gone on with us in the past months? What? I mean, seriously! Stop the act, Adonis! Or just tell me you’ve changed your mind, don’t want to, sorry, you’re too old for me, sorry, I don’t want to be your friend, sorry, I don’t have time for you. Good Goddess, tell me something, BUT DON’T FUCKING IGNORE ME! 

FUCK!

I’m not normally given to self-pity but today, I’m wallowing in it like a dog wallows in the first shitpile it finds after a bath. I’m sure my therapist would be happy to know I’m taking time out of my day to admit I have feelings, admit someone hurt them, and that I’m crying over it, which apparently are normal responses instead of my past response of attempting to squash it under my boot like an annoying crunchy bug and mash it into a crack in the sidewalk and forget to attempt it ever existed.

“It’s all right/there comes a time/got no patience to search/for peace of mind/Layin’ low/want to take it slow/no more hiding or/disguising truths I’ve sold” – Alice in Chains from Jar of Flies.

My cracks are full of mashed crunchy bugs and I’ve been working at digging their skeletal remains out. What a nasty job. I’d rather not add the insult of another crunchy bug to the injury the skeletons have left behind. Plus, I’d rather not go psycho mean on his ass. He may deserve it, but I’m not lowering myself to dish it.  What is it they say, you can stand up for yourself without being an ass about it?

“Hope, a new beginning/Time, time to start living/Like just before we died/there’s no going back/to the place/we started from/Hurt, falling through fingers/Trust, trust in the feeling/There’s something left inside/There’s no going back/to the place/we were before/all secrets known/Calm, all wounds are healing/Strong, truth is worth saving/I want to feel alive…” All Secrets Known – Jerry Cantrell from Black Gives Way to Blue.

Another thing. This whole situation has not given me much courage and really, I need some courage. It’s no secret to anyone here, especially myself, that I’m a lemming when it comes to Jerry Cantrell’s music. I study his lyrics like I study Maya Angelou, Ernest Hemingway, Jim Harrison, and other writers. I plan on doing one of my grad papers on his lyrics, both from Alice and his solo work. What?  He’s a poet too.

Anyway, I just have this idea for some of my writings and I want so bad just to have five minutes of his time to ask if in the future, if he would be interested in doing something like that with me. It takes a certain bit of ingenuity, but I am nothing if not ingenious, to steal five minutes of his time, hell, maybe three. But it also takes courage and a willingness to stiffen my spine and take the rejection, which frankly, my success rate at this endeavor, to work with him, is almost assured at 1% and maybe less, but my failure rate is assuredly 100% if I don’t have the courage to ask.

Courage is a quality or spirit that enables someone to face difficulty without fear. Brave is having courage. Fearlessness, pluck, mettle, nerve, spunk, spirit, audacity.

If I don’t ask the answer will always be no.  If I don’t ask the answer will always be no. If I don’t ask the answer will always be no.

What do you call it if you still face difficulty but you still have fear? What if I do have the opportunity to ask but I’m still shaking like a leaf when I do? What’s that called? Stupid but brave? Brave but stupid? Courageously stupid? Courageously stupid but hopeful?

I still have time. It’s not like I have to ask today and maybe there would be a better time to ask. A different approach. Ingenuity. Sometimes it’s not what you ask but where and when and I’m pretty good at determining that.  For now, I’ll leave that in limbo and that’s okay. I’m no where near where I want to be on that project anyway. Maybe I should actually finish writing it first!!!

I get excited and put the cart before the horse when I should be much more methodical in my approach, at least to some things.  Potential energy is a good thing, but really, you have to make sure its going to go kinetic before involving other mortals. This is also what you call “inspiration.”  Move your ass, or you’ll never get to ask him because it should be transitioning between potentional and kinetic before you make your move.

“I go to sleep behind the eight ball/I live to fight for one day/I’m trapped in the cold outside/there ain’t no shelter/they wanna force my hand/’Til I/Take what I wanted, and/break all the lies that they/feed, the fuckin’ liars/smash all the temples, and/crawl through the rubble, and/cry to the fallen/I’m the last my kind still standing…”   – Last of my Kind – Jerry Cantrell and William DuVall from Black Gives Way to Blue.

Good to have figured that out now instead of stressing about it all damn day and ruining my 1% chance by putting my ass before my brain. By doing so, I may have just increased my odds to 5%.

That’s comforting.

 Back to Adonis. I told T-Bird about what happened and her response isn’t really relevant. It was everything you would expect from a best friend. However, I told her that as Nate and Cam and I sat at dinner after hiking on Saturday that I thought about the empty chair beside of me at that four top table. For some reason, Nate and Cam, even at 13 and 15, still don’t act mortified that I’m around and even though I give them space, they’re very inclusive of this old lady.

However, it does nothing to fill that empty chair at the table with an adult, and forgive me my female friends, but I want it to be a guy, like a boyfriend or potential boyfriend guy that I could sit and chat with while the boys are talking about video games. And me, the one who values her solitude, has to admit loneliness in those moments.

It took that empty chair to make me realize I am lonely and how much I wished there was a special someone, a just for me someone, there to fill it. Oh wait, I mean, I’m admitting it out loud.

“Tears that soak a callous heart,” – I Stay Away – Alice of course – Jar of Flies.

It’s days like this I really miss Smokey. He never minded when I cried into his fur. He would just grab a hold of my face with his paws, lick my forehead with his rough-ass cat tongue, and chew my hair. Boy, am I making the rounds today. My therapist asked and I admitted to the fear that if I start crying I may never stop, that there may not be a way to “Dam That River.” 

This may be the day I never stop.

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Hello… Is This Thing On?

March 1, 2010 at 12:23 pm (Alice in Chains, Attitude in Overdrive, Music, My Travels, Nate, Relationships, Work, Writing)

Hi, it’s me, Peach. I know, I haven’t been around and there is a good reason for that.

First, I’ve been writing a lot of fiction and some memoir and otherwise trying to get my shit together to apply to graduate school. I talked to an admissions counselor at my first choice college and I really, really liked his attitude and he seemed impressed with my perseverance. I am nothing if I am not perseverant, persistent, tenacious, pertinacious, stubborn, and obstinate. All of which mean the same thing … just a show of force.

I am also blogging because Evil Twin’s Wife asked me the other day if I was “ever going to post again.”  I suppose even though she can call me anytime and sometimes we hollow out an evening to sip wine and converse, it isn’t the same as reading my thoughtful commentary on life. Heh.

I am so thankful I feel the Earth finally warming up. I woke up this morning at 2:40 or so and felt the shift from winter to ….ahhhhh, almost Spring. I still think we’re in for a few more snow storms but none are on the horizon for this week. This is really good, because I’m leaving Wednesday morning to go see Alice in Chains in DC. I found out this morning that Huntington, WV is in the just announced new shows and I’m thrilled because I will be able to take Nate to his first AIC show! And, I get to see them again.  Win, win!

Which leads me into the next topic: Reality TV.  I read that Jerry and Sean are not a fans of Celebrity Rehab. Former Alice bassist, Mike Starr, is on the show this season. I am not a fan of reality TV. I don’t watch Idol, Survivor, Jon, Kate, Eight, Duggars, or any of the others. I feel I have enough drama in my own life, none of which I want. However, I knew that Mike was on the show this season, yet still did not watch it, until yesterday.

Since Jerry and Sean had expressed their disgust of the situation, I thought I may want to check it out. I watched the last three episodes first. I cried the whole time and it wasn’t a cathartic cry, it was a hurt cry. I was glad that I got to see and hear Layne Staley’s mother’s thoughts on Layne’s death and her encouragement to Mike. The family section was extreme and difficult. I’ve walked a mile in their shoes and the miles stretch on ahead of me.

It was so disturbing that I spent time just laying in the bathtub listening to Alice, contemplating the horrible ways that my life, my son’s life, and our psyches have been impacted by addiction and alcoholism.  I had tried to explain to T-Bird the other night what it was like to be alone raising your child, to have the responsibility that your decisions will forever impact their lives and that burden has shifted to your shoulders alone, at least, that’s the way it feels.

I also found the show disturbing because I identified so strongly with their stories that it brought all sorts of things to the surface for me. Not just in my relationship with addicts, but in my relationships with abusers and how I deal with things. I’ve talked to my counselor about things along those same lines and MacKenzie Phillips said something on there about not walking around pain but going through the middle of it.  That really hit home.

One of my worst faults is trying to pretend I don’t have feelings. If I work hard enough at convincing myself I don’t have feelings then no one can hurt them. Which is ridiculous, especially considering I am one of those people that wears their emotions on their face and I shoot it out of my eyes in all directions. (I have a sort of funny story about that.)

I am also well aware I have feelings, a shit-ton of them as a matter of fact. Some are sunny and happy, others, not so much. It’s dealing with the “not so much” that I have trouble with, that, and just admitting that I don’t have sunny, happy feelings and just admitting that shit hurts, a whole hell of a lot, and that I’m scared and frightened for myself and my son and where our lives are going. One thing to say it, another thing to actually process it and release it to a point where it doesn’t wake me up in the middle of the night.

Jerry and Sean were upset because they felt as though their friend, who is a serious, long time, poly drug abuser, is being exploited. I can’t say I agree with that because he knew he was going to be televised and agreed to all of that shit, at least to the degree that a drug addict can. He chose to make his private hell a public one. I’m not sure why, everyone has their own reasons. Plus, it IS reality TV and it doesn’t get much more exploitive than that.

Personally, I found it disturbing and not at all cathartic, just a reminder of what it is like to deal with addiction and how much it fucks you up. It reminded me of what it is like to be thrown away by an addict for their drug and that is a really shitty pain.  So it reminded me of the issues that I still have to work on, big deal. I’m reminded of that everytime I go to my counselor.

What also disturbed me were some of the comments on the message boards… “I’m so addicted to watching this show!” Well, obviously you’ve never dealt with an addict, lady.

Obviously you have never wished that a person in your life would be one of the ones to seek treatment.

However, what I did find the most interesting were the brain scans.  Jeff liked to point out to me that his liver enzymes were spot on, neener, neener. Well, you dumb fuck, your liver might be made of steel, but you have had more than one alcoholic seizure, just like the one Mindy McCready had. Yep, you may die with a healthy liver, but the alcohol is eating your brain away. Neener, neener.

I got stuck in traffic behind that fucktard the other day and he slowed down to like 20 mph. Like I WANTED to be stuck in traffic behind him, of all the fucking people in the world. Yep, that tends to bring things to the surface as well. Don’t you wish you were a fly on the wall at my counseling sessions??? Some sweet stuff goes on in there.

Okay, so let’s lighten this post a little. I will tell you the sort of funny thing I mentioned from above. As a server and bartender there are a couple of things that really irritate me. One is ignoring me when I come to your table.  I don’t even wait anymore. If you don’t acknowledge me, I will walk away and serve the other people in my section and I will come back to you when I’m done with them. I have no problem with waiting to take your order if you want to catch up with your friend, but you need to communicate that to me, not ignore me.

My next irritation is glass rattling. This most often occurs with glasses that have ice in them and it’s the sound of the ice rattling in the glass when you shake it at me. This form of non-verbal communication really pisses me off. I assure you I am not blind and can most certainly see that you need another drink and will also ask you if you would like the same.  The other night a young man shook his glass at me. It didn’t have ice in it, but it had the same effect. This young man had been fine until the point his friend showed up.

I felt my eyebrow go up and I’m certain I shot daggers out of my eyes because he got a look of , “Oh shit, I think I just fucked up.”  His glass stayed on the table for the rest of the evening and he was super polite.  I work very hard to keep a calm, composed look on my face, especially when it is busy. If I’m calm, then my guests are calm. If I look stressed, my tables will stress.

Such was the case as I attempted to take an order the other night, at the table beside of the glass rattler. There were six people at the table and one of the women was braying like a scalded donkey, I mean, laughing at everything the guy two seats away from her was saying in a loud and obnoxious manner. Sure, have fun, have all the fun you want, but please, not at the expense of every diner near you.

I had taken everyone else’s order and he kept on making jokes, the lady would bray, he would make a joke, the lady would bray, I felt like I was in Groundhog DayMinute. It was almost to the point where I was going to say, “I’ll come back for your order,” thus delaying all of the other orders at the table because of one jackass, when one of the other diners at the table said, “You know, she has other tables.” I almost swallowed my tongue.

The guy looked over and said, “You do?”

I smiled and said, “I do.”

The other diner added, “Several.”  Needless to say, the guy made a quick selection and moved on. This did not stop them from being so loud I was embarrassed for them, but it did give me the opportunity to serve the food and ship them off to the bar.

(Our bar at the restaurant.)  She was seated to the far right at the high top barely visible in this picture and I could hear her braying all the way at the service line in the back. It gave me a headache.

I don’t guess that really lightened things did it?  Oh, did I mention that RM is going to a different location so now I have another new RM? The good thing about old RM, although we had had some serious toe-t0-toe confrontations, was he knew what the hell he was doing. New RM? No. I think he’s trying a little but I also feel a great deal of apathy from him.  *Sigh*

I do have something for the “My Kid is Hilarious” file. When I tell Nate to do something (or not do something), he has gotten in the habit of mumbling under his breath, when I ask, as I always do, “What?” He looks up in all innocence and says, “What?” As though nothing as happened.  This makes me laugh out loud which is really just a way of squelching the desire to tuck his long-haired head under my arm pit and knuckle his head until we’re both bleeding.

This is getting more difficult as he is now just a mere 1/16th of an inch shorter than I am… with size 11 feet. Oy.

That’s all the love and happiness I can spread around today. Guess I’ll be back in another couple of months. Ya’ll take care.

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Happy New Year!

January 3, 2010 at 4:08 pm (Alice in Chains, My Travels, Writing)

I really started my new year early, as in November at my birthday so the new year itself wasn’t that big of a deal.  Nate and I hung out with friends.

I’ve been doing research on low-residency MFA programs.  So far I’m most interested in Eastern Kentucky University, Goddard College and Lesley University.  Some of them require the GRE, some don’t, some require letters of recommendation, some don’t, all require writing samples. Some have two week residencies, some have 10 days, some have a month…  I would like to start as soon as possible, however, I haven’t taken a standardized test in forever, so I do need to take the GRE, at least for EKU, even though it isn’t the only thing they look at.  I have to write everything down and make plans.

Then I figure I’ve waited this long, I can wait a little longer to do everything right, although the possibility of starting grad school in June is downright exciting!

In preparation for Grad School and everyone’s apparent love of MS Word, I have to purchase the program, which is on sale right now. As soon as my paycheck goes through I’ll be ordering that. Additionally, as a Yule gift to us I also got a new router. I had thought about getting wireless but that would have meant getting a wireless hook-up for Nate’s X-Box since he got the Gold membership for X-Box Live for Yule.  I saved money by just getting the router.

I’m also moving both computers into the living room and rearranging everything. If I’m going to be working on it even more, then Nate and I will be in the same room.  Although we have compartmentalized everything for a while because I’ve had the laptop in the living room and we’ve been sharing it. With the router we can both have a computer and when he’s done with homework and chores he can still play X-Box and I’m still right there with him.

I’m happy to report I have a totally normal work schedule this week.

Jeff dropped off Christmas cards for the kids with gift cards in them. He left them in my mailbox and then texted the kids that he had left them, I guess out of some fear that I wouldn’t pass them along, which is ridiculous. 

I came home to find the door barricaded.  Nate texted him “thx” in return but that was all and he refused any other contact. I left it alone although he did see his uncle and aunt and went to his cousin’s birthday party. He’s comfortable with that.

I’m going to see Alice in Chains in Washington, DC on March 3rd. Happy Yule to me!

I need to check with my boss. I heard we have a huge catering in June. I hope its not at the end. Just went to call my boss and realized… I can’t find my cellphone. Oh, joy! and, its off, or the batteryhas run out, which is likely so calling it is out. Jeebus.

On that note, time for me roll. I’ll holla!

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Reasons

October 1, 2009 at 3:03 pm (Alice in Chains, Crazy Shit, Music, Nate, Writing)

Why I have not blogged:

1. I am training to walk a marathon.

2. I’ve been working on my screenplay. In one day I created a wonderful character that I fell in love with and then killed him, of course because he asked me to, to serve as a catalyst for the protagonist. I cried for an hour.

3. Since Jeff dipped out of our lives permanently, for now, that is, I’ve been doing a lot of crying, whether I’m killing my favorite characters or not. His “leaving” is a catalyst for the protagonist and here, I’m the protagonist.

4. I’ve been watching TV with Nate. We hang out a lot. This reminds me of how precious he is so that I do not come unhinged over his abysmal grades.

5. Sometimes, I nap.

6. I’ve been observing my world like I’ve never seen it before.

He stood on the edge of the parking lot, white hair glistening in the Autumn sun. I wondered if long, dark grey, wool coats, stiff black suits, and crisp white shirts were the standard issue uniform for funeral home personnel. Alway so pristine, as though lint and cat hairs are afraid to bond to their clothing. I glanced around for a hearse and thought that he must be waiting to direct them, anyone, to the right entrance.  Later, I saw him in the same place, hands clasped behind him, coat fluttering open in the breeze, enough to see the unwaivering tie and matching handkerchief. It was then I realized he was waiting for death, perhaps even calling to it.

7. I have been memorizing and singing all of the new songs by Alice In Chains. As always, their music is a soundtrack for my life. Some of my favorite lyrics:

A wolf alone upon the hillside
i live on what they thrown away
i go to sleep behind the eight ball
i live to fight for one more day

i’m trapped in the cold outside
there ain’t no shelter
they wanna force my hand
til i take what i wanted
and break all the lies
that they feed,  the fucking liars
smash all the temples
and crawl through the rubble
and cry to the fallen  (Last of My Kind)

No one plans to take the path that brings you lower
And here you stand before us all and say it’s over
It’s over  (Your Decision) Beautiful, amazing song. Cathartic.

Pray, squeal when you’re caught
Cry, it’s not my fault (When The Sun Rose Again) Love the guitar on this song.

I don’t wanna feel no more
It’s easier to keep falling

Consciously avoiding changes
Curtain drawn, now it’s done
Silencing all tomorrows
Forcing our goodbyes

Lay down, black gives way to blue
Lay down, I’ll remember you (Black Gives Way to Blue)

Sir Elton John plays on this song. Simple and simply beautiful.  A live video of this song, minus Sir Elton.

 That’s about it. Just trying to get my ducks in a row. Oh, and I had to fix a couple lyrics. I just got my liner notes downloaded and got all of the RIGHT lyrics. Oh yeah.

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Alice and Harry

July 14, 2009 at 8:57 am (Alice in Chains, Work)

I won’t be going to see Alice in NY if I win the coveted spot. My boss won’t give me Tuesday off. Now, let’s all hope I DON’T win, otherwise I’m going to be a major, major sour puss.

However, I am going to see the new Harry Potter movie tonight. Woot!

I’m running behind on time this morning. Gotta get ready for work. Rock on beotchs!

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ALICE!!!!

July 11, 2009 at 3:03 am (Alice in Chains, Crazy Shit, Music, Work)

Alice in Chains has posted their new video and hence their new song, “A Looking In View” on their webiste. OMG!  *SQUEAL*  No disappointment.  Its dark and bleak and hauntingly beautiful. And its got this kick ass riff… just listen to the first 60 seconds!

Hear footsteps creak the floor/The shadows give away/Someone outside the door/Won’t let ’em in

(As if I needed anything else to keep me awake tonight. Nate is at my mom and dad’s and I find it difficult, if not downright impossible to sleep, or to at least sleep soundly while he’s not here. 

The Chico Mocoso is on my lap, knawing his bone, his squeaky bear, and occasionally my hand.  I’m trying to convince myself that I don’t have to sleep with my Maglite and Jeff isn’t suddenly going to break in my door and murder me in my sleep… or awake.)

Alice also just announced that they’re having two pre-release listening parties, one in LA and one in NY. The one in LA is July the 14th and the one in NY is July the 21st. Only five fans are going to each of the parties. Of course I submitted my name for the NY party.

New York is only 9 hours away. This is only one more hour than Atlanta. However, they’re not announcing the winners for the NY party until … July 20th. The way they announced it, it was almost like you had to live in NY because of the short time frame. Ha. They don’t know me very well.  So, keep your freakin’ fingers crossed!  And your toes, and cross your legs for good measure.

Chico needs to calm down. He’s more hyped than I am. Work was good. My tip average was 35%. One of my guests tipped me almost 50% and another 70%! Candyman says if you wait on him very often he’ll put you in a new tax bracket. This guest worked his way through college as a … bartender. He and his wife are both very, very generous.

My back is really bothering me tonight. It feels like someone is constantly stabbing me between the shoulder blades. Imagine that. I finally get my lower back to quit hurting and now its moved. My muscles are so knotted, the knots have knots. Rosie and Candyman have both attempted to rub my back but it brings tears to my eyes and the restaurant generally prohibits torture (not to mention the muffled screams).

I like the fact that on iTunes, the new song falls right before the MTV Unplugged version of “Nutshell.” I could listen to “Nutshell” all day long. Jar of Flies, “Nutshell’s” original EP, is my favorite Alice. Dirt is second.

I’ve quoted or referenced every song from Jar of Flies in my blog except “Rotten Apple.” The lyrics are a bit different. One line lyrics interspersed with  “hey ah na na.” 

Hey ah na na/Innocence is over/hey ah na na/over

Hey ah na na/Ignorance is spoken/hey ah na na/spoken

Cool song, though, nice funky rhythm at the beginning.

Well, its 3 a.m. and I’m going to try and get some sleep and unkink my back. As soon as I listen to “A Looking In View” one more time.

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Growth

June 24, 2009 at 8:59 am (Alice in Chains, AZ, Crazy Shit, Friends, International Travel, Nate)

I just finished hugging my child. I asked him, “Did you grow an inch last night?” Flat footed, he’s almost looking me in the eye. Wasn’t it just yesterday that he still had to look up to me?  For right now, he still does look up to me, even if we’re seeing eye to eye.

I’m tired. I was up until about 3 a.m. this morning, finishing my court summary. It came in handy. My alarm was set for 7:30. I slept okay, just not long enough. My back is really hurting from being hunched over typing. It was hurting before, think I slept the wrong way.

I got a rockin’ pair of red shoes to go with my new dress thanks to a friend. I put on some vintage Sarah Convetry pearls and looked like a 50’s housewife. Not so much with the shoes on as they are two inch stilleto peep toes. At least retro is in.  

I went to the memorial service this morning. I was doing pretty good until the decedent’s brother got up to speak. I’ve had many conversations with him and I’m just very, very fond of the entire family, as I was his brother. When his voice broke, my heart broke right along with it.

I then went to the restaurant and had lunch. I didn’t eat much as I was starting to get the nervous stomach. Outside of that, I was oddly calm. No shaky hands or feelings like I was going to throw up. I got choked up on the stand when I talked about Nate not wanting to attend his great-uncle’s service because his dad would be there.  I was emotional, but to the point, not given to hysterics or theatrics. Just the facts, ma’am.

It was scary.  

It turned out okay. We’re going back in five weeks, but I have a feeling we’ll be back before then.

I talked to AZ. He had called when I was in the shower yesterday and Nate forgot to tell me.  I’m so numb and shut down I must sound like a drone. I feel the numbness taking me over and I both welcome it and hate it.

Its a survival mechanism, which I figured out long before my counselor told me. If not, I’d be drooling puddles from a drug-induced stupor in a straight jacket.  As my meds wear off in the evenings, because I’m still on the starting dose, I chain smoke.

Wasn’t I talking about AZ? Yeah, not much to report. He just wanted to know how things were going and I told him. Didn’t get a chance to ask him before he had to go, said he would call me back, which I doubt, and I don’t care. Odd though that I thought about calling him on Sunday and he called yesterday.

My life, the life of odd.

Listening to a little Jerry. Just Boggy Depot, Degradation Trip is not as soothing and I’m not really in the mood to reach in and start pulling thorns out of my soul so I’ll be laying off the Alice tonight.

One bizarre note, I was instructed not to take Nate out of the country, as he and I both have passports. Ha, obviously they haven’t priced tickets to Europe lately. But seriously, I was like WHAT THE FUCK! His attorney said that Jeff was afraid if things didn’t go my way that I may try to secret Nate off to a foreign country. LMFAO!  

I think I could disappear far easier in the good ole U. S. of A.  However, I don’t believe in running away, I believe in standing and fighting.

And I forgot to post this last night, so Good Morning Bloggers.

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September the 29th

June 21, 2009 at 12:09 am (Alice in Chains, Crazy Shit, Music)

I am taking the day off from work. The new Alice in Chains CD “Black Gives Way to Blue” is being released on this date. Well, it is a Tuesday… that seems a strange day but I’m okay with it.

Alice has also released a teaser trailer for their new video to the first single, “A Looking In View,” which features an amazing riff by my favorite guitarist, Jerry Cantrell.  Although I’m wondering, who releases a “teaser trailer” for their new video? I guess the answer to that would be Alice.  Yes, I expect you to watch it.  18 seconds, watch it!

I do love that riff!  Yes!

I do need something to look forward to. I can’t wait for the new music, can’t wait for the new lyrics. Just can’t wait.

I woke up at 6:30 in the “a” of the “m,” anxious and thinking about Jeff. Can you think of worse way to wake up? Jeebus Christos. I’m sure you can think of worse ways to wake up, but for me, that’s about the worst way for me to wake up, barring the death of my son, nuclear holocaust, or another house fire, yep, that’s the worst way to wake up.

Since I’m going to court, I’ve taken to summarizing the entries from my blog which have been about Jeff, starting in January of 2006. One particular entry made me laugh out loud. It was when I was discussing that Jeff’s girlfriend had accused he and I of having an affair and I stated that she must have mistaken the “look of love” for the look of “I wish I was vomiting Drano out of my nose” when dealing with her little ray of sunshine.

Nate also had a dream about his dad, again. This time, Nate took over the phone duties, because his dream was about his dad calling him. He said it was pretty bizarre and didn’t remember much about what was said. Ah, yes, the phone dreams.

Can we talk about Alice again? I’m not stupid, I know they’re my escape. The music from “It Ain’t Like That” from Facelift reminds me of the new music. I really love Facelift.  Rignt now though, I’m on the “Nightrain.” Nate is spending the night with his sister, so, I figured even though I have to work tomorrow that this is my opportunity to have a few beers.

I’m giving up alcohol for the greater good in a short period of time, less than a month, at least for a period of time, so… CHEERS! while I can still drink.

Did I tell you the new Alice in Chains CD will be out September 29th?  Yeah.

I talked to Kevin’s cousin. I told him how much I still miss Kevin and how he could make me laugh like no one else could. He didn’t have much to say. Somtimes I feel like I’m the only one who remembers.

I almost called AZ today. I thought better of it.

I’ve been doing searches for property/houses/farms in Northern Texas and Arizona. I’m not sure why, since I’ve never been to Northern Texas. It has become quite apparent though that all I can afford a piece of scrub in Centralwestern Arizona. I’ve seen some nice places. Can’t afford any of them, but nice places.

I’m kind of restless. Poor Chico, he follows me from place to place. Its taken me hours, a six pack, and a pack of cigarettes to write this. I’m no further along than I was before.

September 29th. I can’t wait. Just wish I could afford to go to Germany to see them and my host family.

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