Not talk about my feelings? That’s what my psychiatrist pointed out to me today. Although I am willing to discuss incidences that hurt me, I often focus on the “abuser” versus dealing with how I actually feel about it.
This is a coping mechanism, similar to the numb feeling I’ve experienced for a quite a while now. Its “autopilot.” She stated that we often start this in childhood to deal with trauma. Dealing with our feelings becomes too painful, so we focus on anything other than our feelings.
T-Bird and I had a “feeling” session one day, purely by accident. She has an AZ in her life and she’s been in a quandry as how to proceed or not to proceed in dealing with his on again, off again bullshit. She asked me how I dealt with not seeing AZ and not talking to him.
I pretty well broke down and admitted how much I really miss having him in my life. My feelings for him aside, he was really the one person I could talk to about my other feelings and not hide them. That is the main reason that I miss him so very much. Writing to him and talking to him was therapeutic. I miss him everyday. Every fucking day. At times like this, even more so.
The pain our relationship has caused me clashes with the intensity with which I miss him. I am disappointed in myself for allowing things to continue for so long without answers. I am hurt that he would also allow things to continue for so long, and either be oblivious to, or uncaring of my love for him.
But, I still miss him. I miss him everyday.
In happier news, Nate fished The One Kitten (now named Wilbur) out from inside the couch and when he handed him to me, SURPRISE! Wilbur looked at me, WITH HIS EYES OPEN! He’s so sweet!
In paperwork. I’m applying for state benefits for Nate, applying to replace our Social Security cards, yes, two years after the fire, sending out a kickass resume for a Federal job that was in the paper Sunday (has my name written all over it), and printing and printing and printing information.
I’m surprised they don’t ask for piss and blood as well. I’m so irritated. I have to pay off $360 in medical bills before Nate can start the Aspergers evaluation process (four separate visits to the center). Do they think we don’t have jobs???? One visit to determine what tests he needs. Two more to do the actual evaluation, then another follow-up, then another follow-up separately with his psychiatrist, who was the ONE TO REFER ME IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!
I know this is an important thing, trust me. But at some point, you have to fucking wonder, how much of it is necessary and how much of it is to bleed cash. And Jeff’s insurance is a joke, hence the need to apply for State benefits for Nate and I’m applying for Federal benefits as well.
I’m so tired of struggling under the weight of the bills and just everything. I figure I pay enough in taxes that I should get something in return.
Just so much paperwork! Ugh. I’m not in the mood for it, but I have to. Just have to.
Had to be at work at seven this morning. It was pretty busy today as well.
I got home and found an invitation in the mail to my niece’s birthday party this Sunday at a spa. I’m not going.
First, I’m really tired and I’ve got so much shit on my plate I’ve had to upgrade to a platter.
Second, I’m not in the mood to deal with my parents, my brother, my sister-in-law or her family.
Third, neither my brother nor my sister-in-law could be bothered to remember Nate’s birthday and it really chaps my ass to get an invitation to this SPA PARTY for a FIVE YEAR OLD when they couldn’t make a simple fucking phone call to my son when he became a teenager, so, fuck ’em.
My psych doc likes my use of the phrase: Chaps my ass. She had never heard it before. I’m happy to educate her on the various ways I’ve either devised or picked up to express my distain.
Radar says its storming here, but its not. Perhaps its storming on the other side of the house, because its not happening here.
I’m listening to one of my 32 Foreigner songs. Actually, I fibbed. At the time I wrote the last post, I was downloading “No End In Sight: The Very Best of Foreigner,” however, prior to that I had also downloaded “Girl on the Moon,” one of my very favorite Foreigner songs. So, I really have 33 Foreigner songs.
I’m not so happy at work. I love my job, I love my guests, its the rest I tire of. Its also getting to the point where I’m going to need a new car. During the summer my bills go up because of Nate’s daycamp, but I make less at work, and I can’t put any money back for a down payment much less a regular car payment and increased insurance.
Plus, by the time we’re in busy season, Nate will be in school and who knows what’s going to happen with Jeff and the Aspergers evaluation. More than anything, Nate needs me at home in the evenings and weekends. I figure I can survive five years working in an office again.
The time will be gone in the blink of any eye. So will my sanity, but hey, they give me drugs for that.
Nate has lost Wilbur (The One Kitten). My guess is his cranky Mama came in and stole him while Nate wasn’t watching. I’d better go and help him look. He won’t shut up until he finds them.
Can’t really say there’s nothing new going on. Just nothing earth-shattering which is good.
The second of Luna’s babies died, so that leaves The One. She and Nate are locked in battle as to where The One Baby is going to reside. Nate has set up what he calls, “The Lunar Pod,” which is an old round litter box that I bought after the fire. He lined it with old towels and puts the The One Baby in there. Luna will come in, nurse the baby, then leave.
Then, around midnight every night, Luna decides the Lunar Pod is not the place for them and attempts to move The One Baby back inside the couch. Normally, this ends with The One Baby being dumped beside of the couch, crying, then being rescued by either myself or Nate. Never a dull moment.
Lex came over last night. I’m happy to report, he reminded me how good sex can be. Nate, in all of his gigglyness, asked what Lex and I were going to “talk” about. Yes, he used quotation marks. Although, at the time, he didn’t know it was Lex that was coming over.
And then, this morning, Nate reported “wet spots” in his underwear that had nothing to do with nocturnal wetness but may have something more to do with noctural emissions. Given the fact I’m fairly certain he had every indication that I was going to get laid last night, right down to clean sheets and an earlier bedtime, perhaps his mind, whether conscious or subconsciously, was thinking about sex, and well, holy shit.
I mean, COME ON! Oh, that was just a bad choice of words.
Shit! Talk about uncharted waters. And that blasted ankle biter of mine, although sequestered under Nate’s blankets, heard unfamiliar footsteps in my house and started barking, which woke Nate up, but I’m fairly certain he was sound asleep again within a few minutes because he didn’t use quotation marks this morning and didn’t make any ribald comments.
Okay, he did use quotation marks, once to describe “friend” and once when he asked if we had a good “talk.” Had my son been 18 instead of 13 I would have embarrassed him by answering, “Why yes, son, we did have a wonderful talk and had you been awake I’m sure you would have known exactly how wonderful that talk was, since I was fairly certain that I was going to wake you, our yappy ankle biter, and the neighbors when one of the most powerful and fulfilling orgasms of my life ripped through my body like a bolt of lightning. It is very difficult to keep that quiet.”
My life is so normal. We’re facing the normal facets of growing up, yet, I feel like its so abnormal. Abnormal for us. Normal in the course of life, normal in the course of growing up, but uncharted waters. I’m not drowing yet but I’m definitely sinking.
I just downloaded 32 songs by Foreigner.
Nothing new to see here.
Yesterday Luna had a her kittens. Yes, I know, I hadn’t mentioned that Luna was pregnant because I really didn’t want it to be true. She had three, two of which lived and they are both black, like their uncle/father, Jirachi. Ugh.
She had them inside the couch. The cats have collectively shredded a hole in the arm of my couch and she went INSIDE to have the babies. They freakin’ cried all night.
Otherwise, the real crux of Wednesday was that upon arrival at counseling (a break from our usual Thursdays), Nate informed me he didn’t want to talk to them, he only wanted to talk to me.
Thereafter, his counselor and my counselor hustled me away to the upstairs counseling room and sat down to deliver, I guess what they thought might be a huge BOMBSHELL that they believe that Nate may have Aspergers Disorder.
Aspergers is one of the Pervasive Developmental Disorders associated with high functioning autism. As I read the informational sheet, I was struck by how much like my son it sounded and a bit like myself as well.
One thing in particular struck me the most (aside from poor social skills, a one track mind, creative, intelligent, and consistent underachiever), was taking things in the literal sense. I can’t tell you how annoyed and FRUSTRATED I would become with Nate over his homework, and then, the lack of turning that homework in.
First, Nate would bring home unfinished papers, but then say, “Its not homework because the teacher didn’t say it was homework and the teacher is the boss of the classroom, so if the teacher didn’t say it was homework, then its not homework.” Then, after being made to do the paper, over his complaints that it wasn’t homework, I would find the same paper in his bookbag, when questioned, he would say, “The teacher didn’t ask for it.”
Now, you and I would assume, if all the other children in the classroom stood up and turned the paper in without being told, then Nate would too. However, if he has Aspergers, that’s not how he thinks. He doesn’t assume things, or even respond to that social clue. He is ‘blind’ to regular social clues that you and I respond to. He would only respond to the teacher telling him that 1) if you don’t finish the paper, take it home for homework, and 2) if the teacher said, “Turn in blah blah paper.”
I can’t tell you how many times he would look at me and say, “The teacher didn’t say it was homework,” and “The teacher didn’t ask for it.” Over and over and over and fucking OVER, until you really start to believe he just doesn’t want to do it, which I doubt he does anyway, because he’s bored off his ass and sees absolutely no purpose in going to school at all, but will conform if he’s given the right instruction, whether he likes it or not.
So, you can see why this would cause the problems that it has, especially with Jeff. We take it that if I paper is not finished in class, then its homework, even if the teacher doesn’t say so. If Nate isn’t told that than he believes that it isn’t homework, then it appears to be a lie that he doesn’t have homework, even when he has unfinished papers in his bookbag.
This is something that I have been seeking for a long time. I knew he wasn’t really “bonding” with his counselor, that he chooses to talk to me about how he’s feeling, but as I told him, I don’t have the tools in my tool chest to help you. Luckily, if it is Aspergers, which they don’t diagnose so they are sending us to a comprehensive center at Marshall University, then, I’m going to understand so much more about how my son thinks! And if I know how he thinks, then I can be such a better parent to him.
Amazingly, which is something that I didn’t have any idea about, was that ADD/ADHD is part of the diagnostic criteria for Aspergers. And, the program at Marshall has a specific intervention center for Autism/Aspergers and my tool chest would be full of things I can do that will help Nate succeed.
How long, oh how long, have a kept telling, and kept telling, and kept telling his doctors/counselors, “socially awkward, doesn’t make friends easily, takes things literally, etc. etc. etc.”
I guess they thought I was going to be upset. I’M NOT UPSET, I’M ELATED! Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME???? I’ve been searching for the key to Nate for a long time and if this is it, then I can’t even begin to tell you how much hope I have and the tears I cry are tears of joy that finally, I might REALLY be able to help him instead of swimming around in a dark sea, searching for light.
And if its not Aspergers, I’ll just keep searching. But, I think we’re on to something. At least I feel as though I’ve solved one major mystery, and that is why Nate will do his homework but not turn it in. Because the teacher didn’t ask for it. Why didn’t I think of that???
I won’t be going to see Alice in NY if I win the coveted spot. My boss won’t give me Tuesday off. Now, let’s all hope I DON’T win, otherwise I’m going to be a major, major sour puss.
However, I am going to see the new Harry Potter movie tonight. Woot!
I’m running behind on time this morning. Gotta get ready for work. Rock on beotchs!
Alice in Chains has posted their new video and hence their new song, “A Looking In View” on their webiste. OMG! *SQUEAL* No disappointment. Its dark and bleak and hauntingly beautiful. And its got this kick ass riff… just listen to the first 60 seconds!
Hear footsteps creak the floor/The shadows give away/Someone outside the door/Won’t let ’em in
(As if I needed anything else to keep me awake tonight. Nate is at my mom and dad’s and I find it difficult, if not downright impossible to sleep, or to at least sleep soundly while he’s not here.
The Chico Mocoso is on my lap, knawing his bone, his squeaky bear, and occasionally my hand. I’m trying to convince myself that I don’t have to sleep with my Maglite and Jeff isn’t suddenly going to break in my door and murder me in my sleep… or awake.)
Alice also just announced that they’re having two pre-release listening parties, one in LA and one in NY. The one in LA is July the 14th and the one in NY is July the 21st. Only five fans are going to each of the parties. Of course I submitted my name for the NY party.
New York is only 9 hours away. This is only one more hour than Atlanta. However, they’re not announcing the winners for the NY party until … July 20th. The way they announced it, it was almost like you had to live in NY because of the short time frame. Ha. They don’t know me very well. So, keep your freakin’ fingers crossed! And your toes, and cross your legs for good measure.
Chico needs to calm down. He’s more hyped than I am. Work was good. My tip average was 35%. One of my guests tipped me almost 50% and another 70%! Candyman says if you wait on him very often he’ll put you in a new tax bracket. This guest worked his way through college as a … bartender. He and his wife are both very, very generous.
My back is really bothering me tonight. It feels like someone is constantly stabbing me between the shoulder blades. Imagine that. I finally get my lower back to quit hurting and now its moved. My muscles are so knotted, the knots have knots. Rosie and Candyman have both attempted to rub my back but it brings tears to my eyes and the restaurant generally prohibits torture (not to mention the muffled screams).
I like the fact that on iTunes, the new song falls right before the MTV Unplugged version of “Nutshell.” I could listen to “Nutshell” all day long. Jar of Flies, “Nutshell’s” original EP, is my favorite Alice. Dirt is second.
I’ve quoted or referenced every song from Jar of Flies in my blog except “Rotten Apple.” The lyrics are a bit different. One line lyrics interspersed with “hey ah na na.”
Hey ah na na/Innocence is over/hey ah na na/over
Hey ah na na/Ignorance is spoken/hey ah na na/spoken
Cool song, though, nice funky rhythm at the beginning.
Well, its 3 a.m. and I’m going to try and get some sleep and unkink my back. As soon as I listen to “A Looking In View” one more time.
The announcement was made yesterday that an unnamed individual had been discharged from employment at the restaurant due to sexual harassment. No one seemed surprised and no one asked who it was because… we all knew who it was because you can’t keep anything quiet in food service.
Obviously this was going on even while he and I were dating. Dipwad.
I was talking to one our teengaged hostesses yesterday about movies and such. It was painfully slow at the restaurant last night so we were making small talk and I told her that I had taken a Facebook quiz about which crazy writer I was. The writer was Cormack McCarthy. I had no clue who the man is. But, I now know all things about Cormack McCarthy. He wrote “No Country for Old Men.” One of his other books, “The Road” has been made into a movie and is being released later this year.
Originally I thought “The Road” was one of his older books but it was published in 2006. McCarthy said he wrote it for his youngest son, who is currently 8 years old. Viggo Mortensen plays the lead role in the upcoming film, which drew a blank stare from my hostess.
I asked if she had seen Lord of the Rings. No. A History of Violence? No. Eastern Promises? No. Shocking, just shocking. She’s only seen two of the six Star Wars movies. Sheltered. Harry Potter? Nope. Jeeeez. At least she knows what “Twilight” is.
The Chico Mocoso –
He’s laying in the stuffing of my c0ouch cushions while I was washing the covers.
Oh, that reminds me, I need to make something for family meal this evening. Gah. I guess I’ll make squash casserole.
Didn’t hear from my brother for Nate’s birthday. Not even a phone call. That makes me a little pissy. Actually, it makes me a lot pissy. If I don’t get a card in the mail, or visit, or send something via my mother, I at least call my nephews and niece on their birthday and give them a little something when I see them. I’m boycotting my brother and his wife. I’m not asking for money or even a card, but a little recognition would be nice. Assholes.
My dad and I were discussing Federal Firefighters while I was there over the weekend. They work for the Forest Service and I guess are often moved around from post to post, or where they are needed to fight fires. Makes sense. My dad said, “That must be some good money.” My mom said, “Oh I bet you would have liked that, being away from your family all of the time and not having to deal with any of us.” Issues, mother?
I said, “Well, take your family with you.” My mom said, “What? And move around all the time?” I said, “Military families do it, all the time. Your sister did it for years.” Then she said that it was only every five years that they moved etc. etc.
I had happened across a $2 bill while at King’s Island and talked a lady out of it. My dad collects them. I also happened across one of the new Lincoln pennies so I took those for his Father’s Day gift. He said, “Oh, I have a ton of these, you know I collect them.” Why yes, Father, that must be why I thought of you when I saw it. He then told me a lady in the area had taken $158 worth of $2 bills to the bank and the ladies at the bank called him to come and get them.
Hmmmm… I only brought you one but I thought of you.
I finally went and took a nap. Avoidant behavior? Why yes, thanks for noticing.
Is it September yet?
My little Nate was born…
He’s not so little anymore…
But he’s still my baby…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY NATE! I LOVE YOU!!!
I had another dream about Jeff last night. In it, he was laying out all of Nate’s school things. He was talking to me but I couldn’t hear him. It was more the scene than anything else. And, it was like I was watching it in third person, not actually participating. I really don’t remember actually hearing anything he said, although I could see his lips moving.
To not be able to hear someone in a dream means that you need to pay closer attention to what people tell you or you feel as though you’re being left out of things.
Regardless, I woke up very anxious. I took my medicine, which is supposed to help with that, and it did… to a degree. I spent all morning and afternoon working on the living room. It just gets these trouble spots. Nate helped me and I washed the covers for the couch. It looks much better.
However, it wasn’t until I was on my way to work that I realized… I hadn’t eaten all day. I had my coffee, but had totally forgotten to eat, wasn’t even hungry. I ate at work, but I can’t say I was actually … hungry. Very unlike me. I was a a little hungry when I got home a little bit ago, but not like I normally am after a long, busy shift.
Nate is with friends. I don’t know what I would do without them. Hung out for a bit and chatted, but Nate wanted to stay and I told him I would be by to pick him up in the morning. Since Jeff is cruising the neighborhood at all hours, Nate’s push for independence took a downward turn.
Nate’s been asking some tough questions, none of which I have any answers for. We’ve been playing musical beds. Sometimes he sleeps in my bed and I sleep in his, or he falls asleep on the couch and I’ll sleep in my bed, or I’ll just go lay down in his bed and he comes and lays down with me and then I get up and go to my bed.
It was during one of those times that I had lain down in his bed that he came in and layed with me, suddenly asking how people become alcoholics. I told him I didn’t know because I’m not an alcoholic. I conjectured that some people have a big hole in them where everyone else has a lot of love, and they fill that empty void with alcohol (or drugs or something else).
Then, as we were pulling into the parking lot to go to the movies, he asked suddenly why people tell us not to something and then do it themselves. It totally came out of left field, then he got upset with me that I didn’t understand him right off and stalked off saying, “I don’t feel like explaining.”
After the movie I brought it up again and basically he was asking me about hypocrisy. I told him that no matter who you are that sometimes you are guilty of hypocrisy and its realizing it and changing yourself so as not to be hypocritical that is important.
I know it has been bothering Nate a lot that his dad lied at our hearing and that’s one of the things that Jeff has always said about Nate, and said in the hearing, that Nate is a liar. Nate has told me before that he would tell his dad the truth but he wouldn’t believe him so Nate would lie to him so he would believe him.
Ugh. It just keeps going around in circles. I’m tired. I’m going to bed.