July 7, 2009 at 2:08 am (Crazy Shit, Nate)

I had another dream about Jeff last night. In it, he was laying out all of Nate’s school things. He was talking to me but I couldn’t hear him. It was more the scene than anything else. And, it was like I was watching it in third person, not actually participating. I really don’t remember actually hearing anything he said, although I could see his lips moving.

To not be able to hear someone in a dream means that you need to pay closer attention to what people tell you or you feel as though you’re being left out of things.

Regardless, I woke up very anxious. I took my medicine, which is supposed to help with that, and it did… to a degree. I spent all morning and afternoon working on the living room. It just gets these trouble spots. Nate helped me and I washed the covers for the couch. It looks much better.

However, it wasn’t until I was on my way to work that I realized… I hadn’t eaten all day. I had my coffee, but had totally forgotten to eat, wasn’t even hungry. I ate at work, but I can’t say I was actually … hungry. Very unlike me. I was a a little hungry when I got home a little bit ago, but not like I normally am after a long, busy shift.

Nate is with friends. I don’t know what I would do without them. Hung out for a bit and chatted, but Nate wanted to stay and I told him I would be by to pick him up in the morning. Since Jeff is cruising the neighborhood at all hours, Nate’s push for independence took a downward turn.

Nate’s been asking some tough questions, none of which I have any answers for.  We’ve been playing musical beds. Sometimes he sleeps in my bed and I sleep in his, or he falls asleep on the couch and I’ll sleep in my bed, or I’ll just go lay down in his bed and he comes and lays down with me and then I get up and go to my bed.

It was during one of those times that I had lain down in his bed that he came in and layed with me, suddenly asking how people become alcoholics. I told him I didn’t know because I’m not an alcoholic. I conjectured that some people have a big hole in them where everyone else has a lot of love, and they fill that empty void with alcohol (or drugs or something else).

Then, as we were pulling into the parking lot to go to the movies, he asked suddenly why people tell us not to something and then do it themselves. It totally came out of left field, then he got upset with me that I didn’t understand him right off and stalked off saying, “I don’t feel like explaining.”

After the movie I brought it up again and basically he was asking me about hypocrisy. I told him that no matter who you are that sometimes you are guilty of hypocrisy and its realizing it and changing yourself so as not to be hypocritical that is important.

I know it has been bothering Nate a lot that his dad lied at our hearing and that’s one of the things that Jeff has always said about Nate, and said in the hearing, that Nate is a liar. Nate has told me before that he would tell his dad the truth but he wouldn’t believe him so Nate would lie to him so he would believe him.

Ugh. It just keeps going around in circles. I’m tired. I’m going to bed.


  1. Vince said,

    I grew up hearing “do what I say and not what I do” all the time. It was my dad’s favorite saying. It’s probably the main reason I believe in leading by example, both at work and at home. As you said, we all can fall into the trap of hypocricy, but the key is recognizing it and acting with integrity. Let Nate know that he can make a conscious decision to always do what he says and says what he’ll do. Integrity comes from inside a person and the only person’s behavior that you can control is your own. Hopefully, by giving a good example, then others will follow your example.

    Integrity is not genetic and the lack of it does not pass down from father to son.

  2. kenju said,

    Vince gave good advice. All you can do is try your best with Nate, as you are doing. Surely he can/will see that you do.

  3. noonie said,

    and that dream….

    a more literal interpretation…

    it’s you sorting through your fears about stuff that’s been happening…

    Are you afraid Jeff might do something to you? Leaving him to look after Nate, with you watching from some other plane?

    Cos it you are, sit down figure out why and maybe it is time to take out that restraining order, and do you have a Will?

    I’m sorry to be morbid, but for your mental health and Nate’s sake time to get your eggs in a row.

    hugs from Noonie

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