Just Wishing I Had A Drink…

November 14, 2007 at 9:39 am (Crazy Shit, Friends, Work)

of milk. I’ve been bingeing on milk. Since drinking too much milk to me is the equivalent of taking Ex-Lax, you could say I’ve been spending a lot of time in the bathroom. You see, I can’t eat cake without drinking milk and since I’ve eaten half a dozen cupcakes, sans icing, and an entire 9 inch cake by myself in the past two or three days, safe to say it didn’t have much time to make me fat since it found its way out as quickly as it found its way in.

It makes me sick when I drink too much, not as sick as eggnog makes me, but sick enough I wish I hadn’t done it the next morning. Gah!

Kevin has been dead a year and I didn’t get a chance to go to the cemetery. I guess its enough that I remembered although I wondered if anyone else did. I didn’t talk to anyone from the gang until today and I didn’t mention it. I don’t know why, maybe because I was afraid they hadn’t remembered. Although I’m also reminded that remembering how Kevin lived versus how he died is the most important thing. He was such a goof.

It dawned on me today that I haven’t heard from AZ and then I remembered I’m not supposed to. And I remember why.

I’m very numb and I can’t really remember the last time I felt anything other than irritation and sadness. New Orleans, I guess. I really felt alive there. I was so excited I couldn’t sleep. It was over too quick but possibly one of the most orgasmic trips I’ve ever taken. 41 hours of orgasm. Still not enough.

I’d do anything for a Wellbutrin.

I keep a running list of things I can’t wait to do when this money situation is finally figured out. The house still needs painted and the metal around the windows fixed. It still looks like there was a fire here and I’m ready to erase all visual reminders. I want the porch enclosed and a curio cabinet for my swans and my antique stoneware that survived. Maybe even that wood stove, a TV stand, a bookcase. A pair of work pants that fit.

But, I want that Wellbutrin more. I want to stop walking around numb.

Jay really hurt my feelings on Monday. He said I must be a lesbian since I was fast approaching 37 and have never been married. I told him he was just jealous that I could satisfy him and his girlfriend. I didn’t feel it was any of his business that I could be married anytime I wish and I could have been married years ago, but although I may live in numb misery, I’m smart enough not to settle.

Hell, Jeff just told me last week to marry him again. I said, “No.” Then I threw up a little in my mouth.

I also didn’t feel as though it was any of his business that I spent the better part of 15 years loving the wrong man. Okay, wrong men. But, for the most part, one man.

I wish I hadn’t chosen the code word “Jay” for my sous chef. I have a friend named Jay and now I’m having trouble finding a name for the real Jay. I call him Big Papa Jay, so I’ll just call him Big Papa. Anyway, Big Papa is trying to quit smoking so he’s not allowed to drink for two weeks while he starts the “stop smoking” drug. His triglycerides were also quite a bit too high so he’s going on this health kick. Ya know, I don’t call him Big Papa for nothin’. So, he’s offered to be my designated driver this weekend. I have to find the trouble and he’ll help me get into it.

I’ve become shitty at commenting, shitty at reading, and even shitty at responding to my own comments. I know I have to keep writing or I’ll just go insane completely. Truth is, I should have been mainlining antidepressants since January 29th, if not before. Maybe something will give soon… very soon.

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16 Comments

  1. Pand0raWilde said,

    ‘Tis the season for it, that’s for sure. I get affected this way more seasonally than I used to, but antidepressants and I don’t get along so I’m not willing to let my doc give them to me no matter how new or what claims are being made.

    Sure I’m miserable sometimes but I was way more miserable trying to deal with the treatments. You’re fortunate that treatments work for you and I hope you can get on the treatment ~hugs~ Meanwhile hang in there, ok?

  2. kenju said,

    I hope things get better soon!

  3. blueseaglass said,

    a) I looove welbutrin (and the rest of my crazy coctail).
    b) I want a cupcake, hold the runs.
    c) Friends on Healthkicks stink. Boyfriends on health kicks stink worse.

  4. AJ said,

    Hang in there girlfriend. You’ve been through the mill before, this is just another swingshift.

    I’ll be calling you soon.

  5. Vince said,

    I know I’ve mentioned this before, but besides the house, what the hell is tying you to WV? I just get the feeling you should be somewhere else since you seem to be happy when you’re in other places but miserable where you are. Introspective gal that you are, perhaps that’s food for thought.

    There ain’t nothing wrong with being 37 and not married. I’m a firm believer in only getting married once so you got to make the right choice.

    Now stop eating cupcakes.

  6. Jethro said,

    Hey Nanner,

    I’ve been really bad with reading, comments,etc. as well. I hope my visit will help brighten your day. Sending hugs.

  7. brightonandbear said,

    Nannerbelle, a good friend once told me to take the meds when I actually thought I was doing ok. It sounds as if you know what you need, besides cupcakes lead to big thighs and big thighs lead to major depression. (believe me, I know)
    Love you girl.

  8. Michael said,

    Scotch has less calories than cupcakes (tastes better than eggnog too). I’m just sayin’

  9. lisaamorao said,

    Happy birthday, Inanna!

  10. Celti said,

    love you, Peach. happy Thanksgiving

  11. Hale McKay said,

    Inanna, a quick drive-by to wish you a Happy THanksgiving.

  12. ghostradish said,

    There’s something in the air… I’ve been on a strange ‘disconnect’ lately. Not necessarily numb, but not necessarily feeling things. I don’t know. But I hope you and Big Papa got in some good trouble last weekend! Good to shake things up now and again, eh? Here’s wishing you and Nate a fanfreakingtastic Thanksgiving!

  13. ghostradish said,

    Um, that was me. Cootera.

  14. charmed said,

    Happy Thanksgiving darlin!

  15. Trashman said,

    I wish I had something new to read.

  16. Trashman said,

    Oh and Happy Man Day.

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