Answers

August 24, 2008 at 7:34 am (Uncategorized)

Sometimes I like to respond to comments in posts.

First, I appreciate your offers of assistance, but I assure you, Nate and I are fine. Tight financially, but, this too shall pass. If I need help with the mortgage, I’ll let you know. It won’t hurt to do without for a bit. I work hard, I put Nate in camp for the summer (and I believe it has made all the difference in him, me, and his father), I play as hard as I work, and its just been very slow at work but these are all temporary and we’ll be back on track before too long.

Vince brought up that interesting question of my single life versus having a man around. After listening to my parents gripe and bitch at each other one day I made the comment, “And you wonder why I don’t have a boyfriend.” My father responded: “Its because you don’t want one.”

My Daddy is a very intuitive man. But he’s only half right. I don’t want just any one. There’s a difference in not wanting a boyfriend and not wanting just any boyfriend, just to say I have a boyfriend. I have this little thing against settling. I’m not even sure I know what I’m looking for, but I’m pretty damn sure I’ll know him when he shows up. Or shows up again. I’m fairly certain he and I have passed like ships in the night before. Not someone I’ve dated before, but someone, like me, who’s been on the fringe or skulks around the fringe or would even like to be on the fringe. And that’s where we’ll meet… on the fringe.

No doubt, there are certain things I’m drawn to… like DJs and musicians and men involved in music in some way. I like a man who works with his hands, whether its woodworking or playing an instrument. I like men who like animals, all animals, not just dogs. I like men who are kind and self-aware.

I know there’s a specific combination and that “click.” Somewhere. Perhaps we’ve not been receptive at the same time, close in proximity at times, but not in the place we need to be, physically and mentally. And when it happens, it will be worth more than any fringe benefit, whether it be sex or Internet service.

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Better Write While I Can

August 22, 2008 at 7:36 pm (Uncategorized)

In the coming month, I will have to use some creative ways to post as I will be losing my Internet service (along with cable TV – OMG!) sometime next week, right about the time the cable company figures out I don’t have that kind of money in the bank. Luckily, I shall still have I-Net at work… finding time to use it is another thing. I may just take my laptop and hook up to the Wi-Fi so I don’t use the company computer for anything.

Nate was very, very concerned that we weren’t going to have cable service. Yeah, well, we just don’t have the money right now. Maybe next month, not right now. We’ve lived without cable before, however, we have not lived without I-Net service in quite some time, like, since I got my computer in 1999.  I may have to sell my body.  This is serious folks.  At least I’ll have more time to make jewelry which just might make me enough money to turn the cable service back on in a short period of time.

I’m looking into selling at some shops local to the restaurant. Earrings are a bitch and I hate to make them but if they get my cable/I-net back on, hell, I suppose I can force myself into it.

I hate to admit it, but its times like these that I really wish I had another paycheck in the house. I know that would mean putting up with a man, but it may also mean that I would get laid a bit more frequently (hopefully), and I could keep my Internet. It would also help if he were a great housekeeper. I don’t have to heap my troubles on him, I have Jerry for that, and Jerry doesn’t talk back or frown when I eat Peanut Buster Parfaits or Hot Fudge Cakes. Don’t have a clue what he’s like in bed and not sure what kind of housekeeper he would be… but he’s a damn good listener.

Oh well, there are people in the world wondering where they’re next meal is coming from so I shan’t gripe too loudly about not having cable and Internet. I am grateful for the roof over my head, the food in my stomach, the electricity in my lines, the water in my pipes, a car that runs, and a job that pays me. I could  be soooo much worse off. Oh, and I’m grateful for you.

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Blind Man

August 21, 2008 at 10:31 pm (Black Stone Cherry, Cats, Music, Uncategorized, Work)

That’s the first single from Black Stone Cherry’s new CD entitled: Folklore and Superstition. There’s a song on there called, “Devil’s Queen.” It freakin’ rocks! But, because I can’t download it yet (poor, people, even that poor), I can post the video for “Blind Man.”

You know I have to give my young men from KY props. I haven’t seen them in a very long time but we keep in touch the best we can.  So, watch the video and have a great time with it.

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=40192608

*****

There was some discussion over on Evil Twin’s Wife’s blog about sad songs and then songs that make you want to get up and dance. I chose “Down in a Hole”  by, duh, Alice in Chains, for the sad song but said Bananarama’s “Cruel Summer” always made me want to get up and dance. That is such a cool song.

For the record:

Kenju, myself, and Blonde Goddess.

And Evil Twin’s Wife, Blonde Goddess, and that chick on the end.  Maybe I couldn’t stop staring at Blonde Goddess because we look so much a like. Maybe its because my blogger name is the name of a goddess and she’s the Blonde Goddess.

Speaking of blonde, If you’ll notice from the pictures, my hair is blonde again. Remember… it wasn’t blonde in March.

jack-new-hair-006.jpg

So, after a week in the Arizona sun and a few weeks of summer and… it turned blonde again. I’m not sure all of it is natural but I’m closer to my natural shade.

By the way, I stole all of those pictures, except of the one of myself. I’m a thief that way.

*****

My itty-bitty-kitty, Jirachi, is still an itty-bitty-kitty. He’s been on a round of antibiotics and eye drops. He’s still has mucus and wheezes a bit. I need to take him back to the vet for more antibiotics. He’s holding his own but he’s still not even half the size of his sister, Luna Bug, who is as rolly polly as he is thin.

*****

Work has been slow. Today was the busiest day so far this week and I only had six tables. The summer doldrums… not good for my paycheck. Not good at all. After last month’s electric bill, which really, I can’t complain about a $45.00 electric bill in the dead of summer, however, I decided I would turn my thermostat up to 76. My electric bill was a dollar higher and the weather, up until the last couple of days, has been super mild. Maybe my savings will show more the next bill. Its  struggle right now, but we’ve been through hard times before and we’ll make it again.

Maybe I should get off my ass and make/sell some jewelry instead of it just sitting around here… yep. Like Hoss’s necklace. What a great idea.

Ta-ta.

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Mystery Science Theater – Nate Style

August 18, 2008 at 9:07 pm (Uncategorized)

I was puttering around the house, stepping over cats, Legos, Pokemon cards, a few couch cushions, trying to cook dinner, read e-mails, read blogs, and answer e-mails, while Nate worked on his new Lego Star Wars rolly thingy with droids and other Star Wars thingies. At first he was watching Spongebob because it was a particular episode about Sandy’s worm.

I heard that the next show up was Dora the Explorer. While I can certainly understand Nate’s fascination with Spongebob, because who doesn’t love Spongebob, but I figured I would hear him change the channel once Dora came on. Not so. Instead, he listened and commented while Dora’s friend (brother? cousin?) Diego tried to help the sea turtles reach the ocean.

Dora and Diego are interactive and ask kids to “help” them in tasks. At once point, Diego said, “Can you help us find Luna’s pieces?” (Seems the moon got knocked around by a comet and the sea turtles couldn’t make their way without a full moon.)  I hear Nate mutter, “Nah.”

Further along, Diego had to solve a riddle to be admitted to an underwater kingdom and Diego asked, “Will you help me solve the riddle?”  Nate answered, “No.” The riddle was read and Nate said, “Its a freakin’ sea turtle! The whole show is about freakin’ sea turtles!” I laugh silently.

I’ve taken to laughing silently since I caught Nate lip-synching to AC/DC’s “TNT” with a hairbrush… in front of the mirror. Classic. However, Nate was less than appreciative of my belly-laughing, although he ended up with quite a belly laugh himself. Gawd, I love that kid. He’s a good natured fellow and he probably would have laughed had I laughed at him for answering the riddle although he said he wasn’t going to.

He’s singing along with The Eurythmics now… I just wanna hug him. Think I might do that.

*******

In other news, I still haven’t answered T-Bird’s e-mail. I see no reason in answering it because it couldn’t possibly make things any better and is certain to make things much, much worse. I think this is what they call a stalemate.  I know how I am and I know how she is and like with Jeff, I refuse to explain myself and I refuse to defend myself.  This is where I’m more likely to flip the double bird and say, “Fuck you,” than I am to capitulate even a milimeter.

I’m normally not this way. I’m a peacemaker, despite the fact that I’m a Scorpio, its that little bit of Sag in me that doesn’t like conflict and tries to compromise and discuss things like rational, civilized adults should. Perhaps its because I’ve done that a lot, especially in regards to Jeff, and its never really gotten me anywhere. She always wanted me to stand up for myself… well, I am.

If you’re wondering, mine is not the only child she finds fault with. She routinely talks about what assholes two of her other friend’s kids are. I wonder if she sent them an e-mail. It doesn’t appear as though she has any problems with her new BFF’s child, yet. I really don’t think I’ll be around to find out because I’m back to that “numb, don’t give a shit” feeling I’ve had with AZ for so long.

Speaking of AZ and dealing with all that, my silent, and sometimes not so silent conversations with Jerry continue. Sometimes I chat him up quite a bit, sometimes I don’t. Its okay, he doesn’t mind. Never says a word *snort*. 

*****

Better news! I saw Kenju this weekend along with some local bloggers that I didn’t know existed until yesterday. Well, lets say I knew they existed through a couple of other blogs but never had the opportunity to roll over their way.  Have now! Hi Ladies!!! Hope you’re feeling better Buzzardbilly! Kenju, as always, a pleasure to see you and listen to that Southern accent… I just love it!

Now, go lip-synch to your favorite song with a hairbrush in front of the mirror and have a good night.

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Just Call Me “High Queen Peach”

August 10, 2008 at 10:02 pm (Uncategorized)

I’ve been doing a lot of research into my fam damily again.  I mean, they’re just so interesting. Recent DNA studies have changed the entire makeup of my family, and made me just a smidgen less inter-related than I was before.

It seems as though sometime in 1761-ish, my seventh great-grandmother decided to have “an event outside of marriage” which produced her 9th child, who was my sixth great-grandfather. Thus, changing the entire lineage of my family, to a degree. I’m so inter-related from so many sources, I am still related to the same family, just a different brother of the “love child.” 

This is good in that I’m not as inter-related as I might have been, and frankly, he wasn’t the last of the “events outside of marriage” which pertain to my family tree. This is bad in that I now have to research an entirely different family tree, one which only includes the name of the common ancestor.

Further good news is that the other brothers of the “love child” are full brothers and that lineage has been traced back to a particular haplogroup and subgroup belonging to the Ui Neill Dynasty of the Island of Hiberia (or Ireland). It seems this particular group of my forefathers (barring any further “events outside of marriage”) ruled Ireland as High Kings for 500-600 years during/around the 5th Century.  Niall Noigiallach – this dude was known as Niall of the Nine Hostages and he started this little dynasty.

Based on Irish history, migration patterns, and DNA, the earliest immigrants of the Island of Hiberia were Basque in origin and arrived right after the last Ice Age during the Neolithic Period, about 9,000 years ago or so. The Basque were from north central Spain and southern France. I’ve always heard this particular ancestral line was from France, but I’m not sure they meant 9 to 10,000 years ago. They meant French Hugenots, not the Basque.

Anyway, Niall Noigiallach was an exceptionally fercund gentleman, being the most fertile man in Ireland, second only to Ghengis Khan worldwide for the number of descendents he has. 20% of men in Ireland can trace their lineage to Niall, and obviously a bunch of us Yanks as well.

So, tip back a pint and toast your High Queen Peach, a descendant of Irish Royalty.

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Fuzzy Kittens…

July 30, 2008 at 10:42 pm (Uncategorized)

Look, its a fuzzy kitty named Jirachi, or Itty Bitty Kitty or Little Man. Yes, my left eye is swollen in this picture. I’d been outside cutting weeds and my eye has been inflamed for a while. Yes, I just got new contacts. No, I don’t know why.

I’m having quite few problems with my left knee, for not apparent reason. I’ve always had a bad knee, Osgood-Schlatter’s disease, but, unless I bump it or really, really overwork it, it doesn’t bother me. Its really bothering me. Its pretty swollen too. Bah! Change of weather, change of seasons, someone sneezes… stupid knee.

Anyway, I would like to point out that Jeanette has once again proven to be my “sister incarnate” by describing beetles as “crunchy.” We don’t like crunchy bugs, they are gross.

Brighton requested a picture of a fuzzy kittens and since she is also my “sister incarnate,” I obliged.

I have not checked on Leslie, I’ll assume all is well until I have to mow again.

Things on eHarmony are… going. One gentleman is rather enthusiastic, unfortunately more enthusiastic than I am, especially since in our first real e-mail “conversation” he talked about me relocating if we “hit it off.” I was my loving, direct self when I said, “You gotta be fuckin’ kiddin’ me!” Not in those exact words, it went more like… it would have to be more than, “hit it off” for me to sell my house, go to court over Nate, leave my family, and my entire social structure. I get the feeling he’s a little needy. Needy is not for me. We’ll see.

Another guy is very interesting. Our personality profiles show us to be almost exact opposites. I like him though, because he’s not like me. We’ll see.

I like another guy, we’ve talked on the phone a few times. He works evening shift, I work day shift. We don’t get to talk much. We’ll see.

T-Bird and I are on the outs. She’s mad at me and I’m a little miffed that it took her so long to tell me why because now I can’t hardly remember anything that happened that day. I also don’t agree with her selective memory. Its taken her almost three weeks to tell me what’s wrong and I wish she would have addressed it sooner. I also know my son is no angel, but I also don’t need her to tell me how to raise him. Yes, we have very different parenting styles and that’s the reason why Nate and I don’t go visit often, besides the fact she has three boys running around.

I’m at the point where we’ll either get through it or we won’t. I’ve held my tongue numerous times, NUMEROUS times, and the times I did say something it didn’t do any good, especially how she’ll believe her son over Nate, which, understandably pisses him off. Nate is a typical kid but he’s for the most part, a very gentle-natured fellow and honestly, he’s not used to wrestling around like a banshee (which is what she called him), like her kids are. He doesn’t have siblings or cousins at home, where he spends the majority of his time, and even then, his older brother is going to be 21 this year.

I learned with my nephews that just because they’re little, doesn’t mean what they do doesn’t hurt, and the same goes for her nephews and her son. Don’t pick a “fight” with someone bigger and older and just expect them to take it because you’re younger and smaller and always expect someone to make exceptions for it. Her kids are totally into the wrestling thing. Fine. Nate’s into video games. Not fine with T-Bird. I disagree. I see no difference in Nate playing video games for hours and her kids playing with wrestlers and watching wrestling and wrestling each other for hours.

Trust me, the little shit isn’t sitting inside 8 hours a day, playing video games while I’m at work. He’s even stopped taking his PSP to camp. He’s brown as a little Melungeon from swimming one or two times a week, hiking in the woods once a week, and whatever else it is that they do. It seems like he’s grown at least four inches in the last week and he’s actually making friends and wanting to do things with the group at camp, even on my days off.

He and his friend Cameron, the one who lived next door, get together about every other week and play Pokemon and Bakugan and all that stuff, and compare video games and play games on the computer.

As far as I know, he’s not had a problem at camp and I rarely, if ever, have to call him and Cameron down for anything, other than staying up too late.  He has his fusses with neighborhood kids at his dad’s, especially over basketball and things like that. But, that’s how kids learn, from play, from interacting with their peers and not having Mom or Dad always step in to make sure things are fair and even. Life isn’t fair nor even. 

And T-Bird likes to control that aspect of things in her kids favor. I don’t call that fair nor even and this has been pretty consistent since her son was born.  She wants things to be fair and even for her son, even when it may not be for Nate, and I have a big problem with this. But, she doesn’t listen. I take things under consideration, I try to see the big picture. Frankly, she created her own problem and then didn’t like it when everyone stepped into it and it didn’t turn out the way she wanted. She has a saying that its her house, her rules. That’s fine, but I don’t like your rules, especially when they always find my son at fault, and given she’s the only one who seems to have a problem… that makes it my problem too.

I intend on telling her that, in about three weeks. Because, like my sister T-Bird, I can take my time as well. Meow.

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Beetle!

July 27, 2008 at 10:57 pm (Uncategorized)

This post will contain photographs of a snake. Click to enlarge any photo.  

I was out mowing my hayfield yard this afternoon when I came across this little fella/girlie.

Yes, that’s a snake. A pine snake to be exact. While it resembles the timber rattlesnake, one can tell the difference by looking at their eyes (and the coloring is not nearly as dark). I know, who wants to get close enough to find out. Ummmm, that would be me.

Leslie, as we have named the snake (after Leslie from “The Bridge to Terabithia”), seemed to be rather shy and not exactly aggressive. Leslie did curl up the standard rattler S-shape, as if to strike, but instead just wanted to meander off under the clippings and such. This is another reason why its often mistaken for a rattler.

Just so you know, there are only two poisonous snakes in WV, the timber rattler and the copperhead. No copper head, no yellow tail (baby coppers have lemon yellow tails). And, as you can see, Leslie has nice round eyes/pupils, unlike the pit vipers which have pupils like a cat.

 And of course, you may wonder why I named the post “Beetle!” if I’m showing you pictures of a snake I found under the planter in my backyard. Its because I said, “Oh, look, a snake!” when I saw Leslie the first time. Granted, Leslie is a little snake, had Leslie been larger I may have temporarily lost my mind and killed it with my weedeater before figuring out that Leslie is harmless. Had I seen a copper head and a lemon yellow tail, Leslie would not be with us today.

I thought it was the most beautiful snake I had ever seen with markings I had never before seen in a WV snake. I’ve seen plenty of garter snakes, ribbon snakes, and black racers, which rise up a foot or more off the ground and “run.”  Come to find out, the pine snake is pretty shy and becoming more scarce.  Leslie likes to hide in the grass…

Anyway, I went to look up Leslie’s markings and didn’t quite discover much, other than he/she wasn’t poisonous… I had to dig a little deeper to find the pictures of the pine snake. So, Nate followed me outside and we oohed and ahhed and took pictures. Then we left Leslie under the planter to recover from his/her encounter with humans.

The reason this post is named “Beetle!” is because most people would have yelled, “SNAKE!” and ran for their lives when they saw Leslie. (I may have also had Leslie been ginormous… then I would have gone back and looked, becasue I’m morbidly curious that way). However, I hate beetles. I hate all bugs, but I hate beetles the most.  I hate their hard little shells, and the fact they fly, and have sticky legs. Scarabs are a type of beetle and I detest watching the flesh-eating scarabs from “The Mummy” devour people. GROSS! (This does not prevent me from owning paintings with scarabs and other renderings of the sacred scarab, I’m just glad their dead.)

Just for clarification, spiders are not bugs, spiders are arachnids and given that I am a Scorpio, arachnids don’t bother me. I saw several wolf spiders today as I weed-eated – the females definitely stood out as they have laid their eggs and are carrying their white pods around still attached to their arachnid vaginas, although I’m quite certain its not called that. I will sit and watch spiders spin their webs or just sit there and wait for an unfortunate beetle to fly into the web and then I rejoice for I hate beetles.

Snakes eat beetles and spiders eat beetles, and I hate beetles, so long live spiders and snakes that eat beetles.

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Uhhh, What Was I Gonna Say?

July 15, 2008 at 10:20 pm (Uncategorized)

Nate interrupted all the great thoughts I had for posts. So, you get the hodge-podge… again.

Things with 21 Year Old… he’s going back to school, ya know, college, which is about 2 1/2 hours away from here.  I told him we would miss him and he said, “Yeah, I’m gonna miss you guys too. I hope I can come back and work some during holidays.” That’s a good sign and I’d better work fast!

Aforementionedly (look, I made a word up, or is that a word?), we are going white-water rafting on Sunday. My mother began extolling the dangers of white-water rafting to include: head injury causing unconsciousness leading to drowning, drowning, being held under by the rapids which would result in drowning, head injury not causing unconsciousness but being held under by the rapids which would result in drowning… I get the feeling she drowned in a past life.

The three things she didn’t mention but are far more likely to happen:  Getting wet, minus the whole drowning scenario, sunburn, and mosquito bites. The words “fun” and “adventure” are not in her vocabulary. I would like to include the words “getting laid” and my co-workers are very likely to include the word “intoxication” all of which are included under the “fun” and “adventure” categories which for her, do not exist.

Although I am quite poor at this time, I am planning a trip to… Oklahoma. Ooooook-laaaaaa-hooooooo-maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.  I know, what the fuck is in Oklahoma, and guess what? Its not Alice in Chains. HA! Fooled ya! Its Black Stone Cherry and Stone Temple Pilots at Kattfest and ya’ll know I’m all about the cats! Can you say… massive road trip? To Oklahoma, in the dead of summer, with gas prices skyrocketing, by myself! Just me, two time zones, and 15 hours of open road.

At this point I’m wondering whether I can make the trip and NOT tell my mother. After all, I might be raped/murdered at a rest area, sucked into a tornado, crushed in a wild crowd rampage, raped and murdered in my sleep at the KOA campground, abducted by aliens, or I might even drown. And who knows what might happen when I wander into northern Texas! The horror!

Yes, my friends, the world is inherently dangerous. I know this. However, and as I have pointed out to my mother, I am more likely to be raped and murdered by someone I KNOW than by a complete stranger. Not saying it doesn’t happen, I am well aware of who Ted Bundy was, however, I also know when my key is turned, nothing or no one can stop it.

The question is, do I want to wait on my front porch for death or shall I make it chase me to the ends of the Earth? I think we all know the answer to that.

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Ahhh, Shit

July 11, 2008 at 8:54 pm (Uncategorized)

Remember a while back I was supposed to have a date? And then I didn’t mention it again? The reason is that the gentleman in question told me one day that his birthday was the following day… sometime in May. What a great time to quell my curiosity and find out for sure how old he is, so I asked him. His response: Old enough to drink. Well, that’s anywhere from 21 to 109, but he really, literally, meant “old enough to drink,” as in 20 freakin’ 1.

Ya’ll know I’m open-minded, but, I didn’t like him that much. So, now I find myself in the same position with someone else.  See, we got this new cook at work a few months back and I’ve knew he was young, today I found out how young… like 21. Someone made the comment that I was old enough, technically, to be his Mama. Trust me, “motherly feelings” is not what I have for him, far from it.

It sort of snuck up on me, like shit does. Shit is sneaky. One day I looked across the line into his startling blue eyes and said, to myself, “Ahhhh, fuck.” He’s rather quiet most of the time but we have a running joke that I’m going to start charging him for everytime I have to change his clock-in time because he forgets. He flirts across the line as much as I do. We make faces at each other and if I ask for something special he’ll tell me no while he’s doing it.

I shared my feelings with my GM and she said, “You’ll have to wait until he leaves us next month because as lead, you’re over him.” WHAT? I’m a freakin’ lead, not a sous chef. I don’t tell those guys what to do! That’s “Back of House,” I’m “Front of House.”  Besides, I really have no idea if he’s just being nice and flirty or if he actually likes me, despite our age difference. I know he acts way more mature than some all of the other cooks who have way more years on them than he does.

Even when we’re cranking out the food and things are hectic, he never loses his cool or his temper. He doesn’t get too pissy when the servers make mistakes, even when it means more work for him.  He just goes about his business of cranking out food instead of running his mouth.

Did I mention how good looking he is?  And those incredible blue eyes that look out over the line at me?

I talked to Addy about it too, since he shared his crush on our new bartender, who is no longer new, and no longer there. He said, “Maybe its just a crush. You do work with him everyday and he’s a nice guy, the same with me and Megan.” I pointed out that he and Megan each had significant others and Timmy and I are both single. And, he and Megan were a bit closer in age. Although, he said that since she left he doesn’t think about her.

We’re having a restaurant outing next weekend, white water rafting, so maybe I’ll see what happens when we get out of the restaurant. I don’t care how old he is, I like him. Shit.

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Nate’s Birthday Etc.

July 10, 2008 at 8:11 am (Uncategorized)

Was a wonderful affair, wish you could have been here. We went ice skating, saw a movie (Hancock, which we all really enjoyed), and played Rock Band, a gift from one of my BFF’s Beanie. Dude, ya know he went out and bought “Guitar Hero – Aerosmith” today??? This is how I know he is my son, besides the fact I shoved him out of my crotch.

Hat tip to The Merry Wife of Baltimore – Cybele – and Fuzzy on their birthdays as well. Hope you had wonderful ones!

****

I went four wheeling on Saturday evening with Dave, his daughter Kaelyn, and friends of his. Dave is Kevin’s cousin and it was nice being out in the woods, in the dark, near the water, in the fog. It was really, really nice and Kaelyn reminds me of me when I was her age. She is 10 and has a foot to match Nate’s. BIG.

The next day we all went to the Arts & Crafts Fair and I picked up a new focal bead (Dave gifted it to me), and a new hair barette made in the lacquerware style. It is AMAZING! Watching this lady, Linda Tong, do her thing was just… I felt like a bull in a china shop. Google her, she’s awesome and her prices are SO REASONABLE!

On the way to the fair, I showed Dave and Kaelyn some of my work, which included AZ and his wife’s wedding gift, which I still haven’t given them. (Its a Christmas tree ornament in their wedding colors. No, don’t ask why I made it, I just did, a long time ago!) Dave asked, “I’ve never met his wife. What’s she like? Is she like us?”  I snorted and said, “If she were like us, he’d be married to me.”

Dave is a tall, gawky redneck, who brags a bit too much, has a great sense of humor, a size 15 shoe, smokes too much pot, drinks too much beer, has a heart of gold, and normally doesn’t know when to shut up. That shut him up.

I figured he was trying to figure out whether or not to go there and he figured real fast that I’d said all I was going to say on the matter and that was that.  It felt good to be honest though, instead of just pretending that it didn’t bother me.

****

I’m stuck on “Again” by … wait for it… Alice. In. Chains.

Hey, let them do it again, yeah
Hey, you said you were my friend
Hey, turn me upside down, Oh
Hey, feelin’ so down
Hey, hey…hey…hey…

Again
You made a fool of me again

Hey, I know I made the same mistake, yeah

I, I won’t do it again, no

Why, Why you slap me in the face, oww

No, No…
I, I didn’t say it was OK, no

You violate a part of me again
Again

Ah, ooo
Whoo whoo, yeah
Hey, you had time to think it out, yeah

Hey, Your weak will won’t help her heal her heart

Hey, I’ll bet it really eats you up
Extending part of me again

Wow, wonder why I’m stuck on “Again,” besides the fact it has a great beat and I love dancing to it.

I’ve been having anger issues related to AZ, in case you couldn’t tell.  Its about time, right?

I feel a certain responsibility to those that love me.  I feel especially responsible to be gentle with those that love me in a more special way than I love them.  I feel a responsibility not to lead things on or to pretend that things are not what they seem for my own gain.  In all my Southerness, I find that rude, if not heartless.

Once again, I face the, “but he did help me when I needed him…” scenario, same as with Jeff, and we see where that’s gotten me.  What nailed it, was when he came to me for comfort after Kevin died and two weeks later he asked her to marry him. And I was with him in January out of spite. Again, we see where that got me.

What’s so hard about saying, “I’m in love with her,” and then not touching me? If that’s how he really felt, which is obvious now, why not just say it and then let me be? Why the game? Was I suppose to understand this in some way? False hope? Bullshit? And, I could point the finger at myself more if it had just been me, but it wasn’t. He made sure she and I didn’t have contact, he made sure she wasn’t there, he made sure I was. And he knew how I felt, and he used it against me.

I’ll never have the answers I want because he’ll never fess up as to what was really going through his mind. The only logical explanation to his behavior is he’s a dick and he simply liked the way I sucked his cock. But don’t think I don’t miss him. When I’ve felt this way before, angry about something, hurt, sad, I went to him. I don’t have him anymore, not that I ever really did.

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