Insomnia… Sort Of

August 14, 2009 at 3:45 am (Crazy Shit, Family, Music, Relationships)

Lex is leaving for college tomorrow. He came over tonight to tell me good-bye and rub my bum shoulder that I hurt while raking the lawn in preparation for mowing.  Then he decided to rub some other things and … well, that worked out okay.

I wish I could say that I’m going to miss him.

One of my therapists was digging around in my past the other day and said, “You’re angry, why are you not talking about your anger?”

I said, “I am angry! I know I’m angry.”

“Then why are you not talking about it?”

“I am talking about it, I just told you I was angry. I’m not sure what you want. Do you want me to tell you that my mother is a fucking bitch, because I can do that ALL DAY.”

That must have been what she wanted because she let me rant and rave for a bit. I’m not much happier with my dad for not opening his mouth and saying something all those years. Matter of fact, I may be more mad about that. I can remember my mom being mad because supposedly my dad took up for me in private. Whatever. It didn’t help anything then, and it doesn’t help anything now.

I’m not exactly sure where I found all of the strength I have, it certainly wasn’t from either of my parents.

I only saw my dad tell my mom to shut up one time. It wasn’t about me, it was about something else, but in my opinion, he should have told a bit more, instead of sitting around with his arms crossed, absorbed in the TV so he didn’t have to deal with her. No, he left that to me. Thanks Dad, thanks a whole hell of a lot.

I think one reason that I am so strong, or at least appear to be is that my mother was such a whiner. Just a whining pathetic bag of emotional tangles and depression and not much has changed. The combination of never wanting to be like that, and the stiff upper lip I developed from her emotional abuse and abandonment and my father’s literal abandonment, by staying away a lot of the time, just conditioned me to not be, what I perceived, a whining pathetic sot.

I conditioned myself to roll through life, taking the punches, left and right, and getting up, dusting myself off, and moving on. Really though, I was just shoving a bunch of shit down inside of me and now I’m spinning my wheels.

What’s really frustrating is listening to my mother yak on about Dr. Ph*l and Opr*h as though they are the end all and be all of how to better yourself. WHATEVER WOMAN! She talks about all of the people she sees on Dr. Ph*l but never has the self-awareness to realize HOW MUCH LIKE THEM SHE IS!

And my dad, Jesus H. Christ, I don’t think the man has contemplated an emotion for several years.  I’m one of those people, you know, the ones who are certain they were adopted but were never told. I always thought my dad was an intelligent man, but has he ages, he shows just how ignorant and close minded he is.



Anyway, I want to learn how to play the fiddle. And I want to go back to dance class. And, instead of one story, I’m submitting several to my local paper’s “Write Your Own Column” section.

So, that’s how I feel in these early morning hours.

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Quiet Time

August 10, 2009 at 12:09 am (AZ, Faith, Friends, Music, Nate, Relationships, Writing)

Nate spent the week at my parents’. Each of the grandsons visit a week during the summer. When each of my nephews is there, Nate goes up and spends the weekend with them. I spent a lot of time working and cleaning. I finally cleaned “the dirty corner.” Just where a bunch of junk and trash ended up. I’m very happy that “the dirty corner” is clean now.  I still have a lot of things in storage containers but I’m whittling it down little by little.

I did make a trip to the bookstore and picked up, “When God Winks At You: How God Speaks Directly To You Through the Power of Coincidence,” by Squire Rushnell.  I can’t wait to get the rest of the books. Highly recommended reading. I also got a new set of Oracle cards and a new set of Tarot cards. Its part of the long journey back to the Goddess.

I’ve long known I’ve had a crisis of faith and you can’t just sit around a wish it wasn’t so, you have to consciously come back to it. The Rushnell book was recommended to me by one of my best good friends, the oldest friend I have in the world. She and I were BFFs in second grade, born one day apart, and although on the surface our lives appear to have taken very different paths, the connection and the need to be in each other’s lives has persisted.

She had looked for me on Faceb**k, but as many of you know, I don’t use my real name. However, I did look for her and luckily she does use her real name. We talked at length about faith, and as we were discussing godwinks her cellphone started beeping by itself… and the numbers 777 came up. I just shook my head and said, “See???”

After doing several readings to get used to my new cards, I realized a lot of things. First, I am always amazed at the accuracy of the cards. Second, I was able to gain some insight by studying the pattern of the cards and by finding that pattern, I was better able to put my finger on something that has eluded me.

Just knowing things about yourself doesn’t make them go away. I am angry, and I know that is a reaction to something else. I’m hurt, sad, confused, but most of all, I’m afraid. It was easy to say, “Yeah, I’m afraid of Jeff. I’m afraid of Nate having to go back there. I’m afraid of having to deal with Jeff again.”

Actually, through the cards, it really dawned on me that I’m afraid of much more than just Jeff. You know what happens when you’re afraid? You tense up and you hold on. You hold on with a death grip, out of fear, even if its something that is bad for you because change will just spike your fear again.

The cards also spoke of needing to release negative energy and healing and possible complete and utter collapse of my finances. Well, I got The Tower and that always means calamity, and I got it in the finance portion of two different readings, but then I got The Bee in my other reading, which is always a great omen. I’ve gotten those conflicting cards before.

It means my path is not laid yet. It generally shows a confusion, that I’ll be at crossroads and I’ll have to make a decision whether I’m going to have the strength to let go.  I generally believe that everyone knows it takes more strength to let go and move ahead than to sit in the same spot, treading water. It takes a lot of strength to pull all of the junk out of your closet and go through it than to just let the closet sit there like a toad.  A fat ugly toad, just like the bad spirit from “Practical Magic,” sitting in Gillian.

You can bankrupt your life in more ways than just monetarily.

“I just saw Haley’s comet, she waved, said, ‘Why are you always running in place?’ ”

I did start the letter to AZ. Somewhere really close to the beginning I realized how much I didn’t care about this situation right now. Maybe I’ll care about it later. I just realized that I’ll never have the right man in my life if I keep holding on to the wrong one for the wrong reasons. He was the wrong one, for a lot of wrong reasons.

I also have to admit, as much as it pains me, I need to mourn and grieve over this situation with Jeff. I put a lot of work, time, compassion, and hope into our relationship. Even though Jeff and I hadn’t had a romantic relationship in years, this doesn’t mean we didn’t have a relationship. I’m so very disappointed and hurt that I had to do what I’ve done for myself and Nate.

You can’t change anyone other than yourself. No matter how much work, time, compassion and hope, so much HOPE you’ve put into your relationship with them. That sucks so bad, but life isn’t fair.

There was something else in my cards too. It was the Seven of Wands, which is Rivalry. I got it twice, and it means that I’ll have stiff competition in creative endeavors and business projects. I have to move to a new level of creativity and imagination. I may embark on a new course of study as a writer or teacher.

Today, I saw a blurb in the paper called, “Write Your Own Column.”  I guess you send in your stories and they pick from those to appear in the paper. I’m exactly sure but I’m going to try.

The Goddess winks. Oh, yes she does.

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July 28, 2009 at 2:58 pm (AZ, Cats, Relationships)

Not talk about my feelings? That’s what my psychiatrist pointed out to me today. Although I am willing to discuss incidences that hurt me, I often focus on the “abuser” versus dealing with how I actually feel about it.


This is a coping mechanism, similar to the numb feeling I’ve experienced for a quite a while now. Its “autopilot.”  She stated that we often start this in childhood to deal with trauma. Dealing with our feelings becomes too painful, so we focus on anything other than our feelings.

T-Bird and I had a “feeling” session one day, purely by accident. She has an AZ in her life and she’s been in a quandry as how to proceed or not to proceed in dealing with his on again, off again bullshit.  She asked me how I dealt with not seeing AZ and not talking to him.

I pretty well broke down and admitted how much I really miss having him in my life. My feelings for him aside, he was really the one person I could talk to about my other feelings and not hide them. That is the main reason that I miss him so very much. Writing to him and talking to him was therapeutic. I miss him everyday. Every fucking day. At times like this, even more so.

The pain our relationship has caused me clashes with the intensity with which I miss him. I am disappointed in myself for allowing things to continue for so long without answers. I am hurt that he would also allow things to continue for so long, and either be oblivious to, or uncaring of my love for him.

But, I still miss him. I miss him everyday.

In happier news, Nate fished The One Kitten (now named Wilbur) out from inside the couch and when he handed him to me, SURPRISE!  Wilbur looked at me, WITH HIS EYES OPEN!  He’s so sweet!

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Nothing New

July 20, 2009 at 1:19 pm (Cats, Chico, Crazy Shit, Nate, Relationships)

Can’t really say there’s nothing new going on. Just nothing earth-shattering which is good.

The second of Luna’s babies died, so that leaves The One. She and Nate are locked in battle as to where The One Baby is going to reside. Nate has set up what he calls, “The Lunar Pod,” which is an old round litter box that I bought after the fire. He lined it with old towels and puts the The One Baby in there. Luna will come in, nurse the baby, then leave.

Then, around midnight every night, Luna decides the Lunar Pod is not the place for them and attempts to move The One Baby back inside the couch. Normally, this ends with The One Baby being dumped beside of the couch, crying, then being rescued by either myself or Nate.  Never a dull moment.

Lex came over last night. I’m happy to report, he reminded me how good sex can be. Nate, in all of his gigglyness, asked what Lex and I were going to “talk” about. Yes, he used quotation marks. Although, at the time, he didn’t know it was Lex that was coming over.

And then, this morning, Nate reported “wet spots” in his underwear that had nothing to do with nocturnal wetness but may have something more to do with noctural emissions. Given the fact I’m fairly certain he had every indication that I was going to get laid last night, right down to clean sheets and an earlier bedtime, perhaps his mind, whether conscious or subconsciously, was thinking about sex, and well, holy shit.

I mean, COME ON! Oh, that was just a bad choice of words.

Shit! Talk about uncharted waters. And that blasted ankle biter of mine, although sequestered under Nate’s blankets, heard unfamiliar footsteps in my house and started barking, which woke Nate up, but I’m fairly certain he was sound asleep again within a few minutes because he didn’t use quotation marks this morning and didn’t make any ribald comments.

Okay, he did use quotation marks, once to describe “friend” and once when he asked if we had a good “talk.”  Had my son been 18 instead of 13 I would have embarrassed him by answering, “Why yes, son, we did have a wonderful talk and had you been awake I’m sure you would have known exactly how wonderful that talk was, since I was fairly certain that I was going to wake you, our yappy ankle biter, and the neighbors when one of the most powerful and fulfilling orgasms of my life ripped through my body like a bolt of lightning. It is very difficult to keep that quiet.”

My life is so normal. We’re facing the normal facets of growing up, yet, I feel like its so abnormal. Abnormal for us. Normal in the course of life, normal in the course of growing up, but uncharted waters. I’m not drowing yet but I’m definitely sinking.

I just downloaded 32 songs by Foreigner.

Nothing new to see here.

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A Couple of Redeemers

July 3, 2009 at 9:05 pm (Crazy Shit, Friends, Memories, Nate, Relationships)

Have you ever been in a situation where someone has told you something and finished with, “I thought you should know.”?  Yeah, that’s where I found myself today.

Its one of those situations that is rather upsetting and I know that it was kept from me with the best of intentions, so as not to upset me or even embarass me. However, I would have rather known sooner than later that Jace has been exhibiting unsavory behaviors in his new position at a location other than mine, which he went to right after he dropped out of my life.

I had long suspected that the reason for him dropping out of my life was to pursue those more nubile, and you may read into that, more stupid, more needy, and less worldly than myself, in his new position. However, those pursuits have turned to harassment. Such a no-no. What a schmuck. His schmuckish behavior is guaranteed to earn him a permanent disownment from our restaurant family.

Being told of this situation has caused a wealth of emotions to rise.  Disgust, disappointment, and my general indifference has given way to loathing. I also threw my hands in the air and wondered, “WHY AM I SUCH A SCHMUCK MAGNET???”  Especially considering I have a tendency to attract schmucks, I thought I had been doing a better job of weeding them out and yet another creeps through the cracks.

Its a damn good thing he dropped out of my life when he did because if I were still dating him, it wouldn’t be pretty AT ALL. As it is, I want to knock him out.

Anyway, I was lamenting my schmuck magnet status to Nate on the ride home and he was kind enough to tick off my ex-boyfriends, starting with his father, who Nate calls the Biggest Schmuck of Them All and worked his way past Ex-Drunk Boyfriend – who’s doing 70 years on a rape/attempted murder charge, then I brought up Lex, who Nate didn’t even know I was seeing, then or now, who really isn’t so much a schmuck as he is just … more strange than even I can tolerate, and a couple of other alcoholics that came and went as fast as they came.

Then Nate said, “Oh yeah, and Mike.”  Finally! Redemption! On a much grander scale than Lex. Whoo hoo!  Nate said, “Mike was cooool.” I agreed and added that our relationship didn’t end because he was a schmuck, it ended because we lived too far apart and, frankly, we just weren’t made for each other. Not that he isn’t a great guy, because he is, and probably THE greatest guy I’ve ever dated so far, but he just wasn’t the guy for me, nor was I the girl for him.  He married her last year.

I remember the first time I heard through the Blogger Gossip Network that he was dating his fair Adelphia and I went over to her blog. I knew within a minute of reading that she was The One. I sent him an e-mail and told him to just give it up and ask her to marry him because… SHE WAS THE ONE!  It made him pretty sour with me at the time. I understood why. You know, everything’s going great and you’re really into them but at the same time you’re afraid and you don’t want to get your hopes up.

And yes, I smiled with genuine warmth, and then grinned with a smug satisfaction when they announced their engagement that … I WAS RIGHT!  And, if you’re followers of their blogs, then you and I both know that these two people are right where they should be.

At one point, I had written about another of my ex’s, probably Lex, as he, like Mike, is the only one with redeeming qualities. Mike had mentioned that he wondered, eventually, how he would be remembered and he hoped I would be as kind to him as I was to Lex. I told him it quite possibly could take a while and it has.

Mike is the best reminder that there are still kind, caring, intelligent, passionate, witty guys out there. And also a good reminder that I haven’t just dated schmucks.

Mazel Tov!

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Gobble… Gobble

June 28, 2009 at 11:42 am (Nate, Relationships, Work)

Yeah, I know its not time for Thanksgiving and one rarely hears of 4th of July turkey, however, this just may be the year.  See, I have this ginormous turkey in my freezer. I think I got it either from T-Bird or Cam’s parents because either they didn’t have room for it, or, they couldn’t cook it. Frankly, I don’t have room for it!

So, either I pass this bird on to my mother who will then complain that she either has no room for it, or, its too big to cook for the family and I will hear about it until Thanksgiving and end up bringing home two weeks worth of leftovers in November, or I can cook the dang bird for 4th of July family meal at the restaurant and call it a day.

This bird is so big, I bet I could feed day and evening shift! Okay, it only looks big in my freezer. Its almost 14 lbs. I’ll have to borrow a pan to roast it in. I don’t have one big enough anymore. Then again, it maybe be in the “OMG, I forgot all of these kitchen things outside after the fire” box beside of my house. I’m pretty afraid to look in it.

So, because cooking makes me happy, remember, I did a lot of cooking after the fire, I’m going to make *drumstickroll please* roast turkey with a cranberry orange glaze and a wine-simmered fruit stuffing.  Because, seriously, you can’t have too many fruits with your turkey.

And if you’re wondering where Nanner gets her delish recipes, well, look no further than Butterball.

In other news, Nate made it home safe and sound from his overnight camping and whitewater adventure. He said he was the first one tossed from the boat and he spent the rest of his time making sure that didn’t happen again. He also said they played spotlight etc. I’m really glad he took the trip and got to have some fun without it involving me. He needs that.

I woke up at 3 this morning and he and Cam were already asleep. Must mean that my Bubba was tired. Normally I run them to bed when the sun is rising.

I slept a long time last night. I feel pretty good this morning. Lex and I had a falling out, mainly because I’m pretty numb, we don’t communicate well, and… I’m not happy about how he treats me. Not that he’s mean or anything, he’s just, I don’t even know how to describe it. He has his own issues with me, and I know I have plenty.  Its just not going to work out, even on a short term basis. I’m not broken up about it.

So, time to figure out breakfast and I need some coffee. Happy Sunday.

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Oh Boy

June 25, 2009 at 12:50 am (AZ, Nate, Relationships)

I just posted about how it seems that Nate has grown an inch overnight. That’s not the only ways that he’s growing. He’s becoming more self-assured and is speaking out more about how he feels and what he wants.

He’s been pushing to stay by himself while I work.  You can imagine that every bad thought goes through my mind, when in actuality, Nate is a pretty responsible young man, with a good head on his shoulders. Remember, it was Nate who ran to the neighbor’s house and had them call 911 when the house was on fire, then ran down the street to the fire department.

My real problem with Nate staying alone is that I’m afraid he will be lonely. He just laughs at me. I can remember my first experiences with staying alone, or with just my brother around, which is the same as being alone. It was awesome. Although I had chores to do, it was really awesome not having my parents there to bother me. Nate and I get along great, that’s not the problem, but, he is getting to that age.

In two weeks, he’ll be 13. A teenager. My baby, a teenager!

As I told Kenju, he’s growing up so fast it hurts my feelings. And not just his height, but his mind and maturity are finally catching up to his size 9 1/2 foot.  For the past two weeks, since our last counseling session, it seems as though he’s matured two years.

He asked to be allowed to go on the overnight rafting trip with his camp group this year. Last year I felt he was too young and this year, I really can’t say no. If I’m encouraging him to become more of his own person and articulate his thoughts and feelings, then I also feel as though I have to let him go in other ways as well. I have to show that I trust him to do the right things and be the person I’ve taught him to be.

I’m terrified. Simply terrified.

It gives me a new appreciation for what my parents went through when they allowed me to go to Germany for a year. How terrifying that must have been for them, even though I was an extremely intelligent, articulate, mature young woman for my age. I’m quaking in my shoes over an overnight trip, and they let me go for a year. Of course, I wasn’t on the verge of 13, I was on the verge of 18. And its an overnight camping trip, not Germany.

And its not like Nate hasn’t spent the night away from me… with my family, and his family, and trusted friends.

The good news is that Rosie and I are going to The Sound of Music Sing-A-Long Friday evening. I’m dressing in my new dress and heels and going as The Baroness Von Schraeder. It is summertime and I’m not fond of dressing as a nun in 90* heat. I’m looking forward to throwing popcorn, hissing at Nazis and booing the actual Baroness. I wish I could mack out my outfit a bit more but I’m kind of broke.

Lex also said he would spend time with me Friday. I’ve warned him that I’m still in numb mode. He said that was okay and we could just snuggle. What a mensch.

Oh, and AZ did call back. He told me he’d like to have lunch with me soon. I’m not sure why, I wasn’t rude enough to ask. I cried later though. I hope he asks why I’ve basically dropped out of his life.  I really, really do because I’m ready to tell him.

Okay, its my bed time.

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June 6, 2009 at 9:47 am (AZ, Black Stone Cherry, Chico, Memories, Nate, Relationships, The House, Work, Writing)

Are when Nate and I see our respective counselors. I like both of our counselors.  They’ve given me a lot of insight and hope into our situation but that doesn’t mean its fun getting there. It never is.

Nate is very open to counseling but the things they have coaxed out of him so far are disheartening. Disheartening for a parent who cannot see into the mind of their 12 year old and find all of the feelings they have stuffed down inside of it and the realization that we have so far to go.

Having been through counseling before, and being in counseling now, I know how much it hurts to dig shit up, to face it, and to deal with it appropriately. My heart aches for my son.

Nate and I both learned, over a period of time, not to express any emotion in front of Jeff. To do so, opened us both up to ridicule. Nate maintains that facade and he maintains that facade emotionally as well. He doesn’t talk about his father but I know he’s still there, in the back of his mind.

While Nate can maintain that facade while he is awake, he cannot when he sleeps.  Although his father’s name was not mentioned, I could tell the counseling started roiling the bottom of Nate’s pond. It wasn’t unusual for Nate to talk in his sleep and wet the bed after an episode with his father.

Thursday night, after he went to bed, right about the time he hit REM, I could hear him start chattering. I’ve heard him say “no” and “quit” and “stop” but for the most part, its mumbling. I had a very hard time getting to sleep myself, as my mind just refuses to shut up, hence the doctor’s appointment on the 16th. Somewhere around 3 a.m. I was jolted awake by Nate yelling and as the fog in my mind cleared, I heard him mumbling again.

A short time later, Chico woke me with his whine/bark asking to be let into my bed. As I reached over the side of my bed, I heard Nate say, “Don’t pick him up, ” from the bathroom across from my bedroom. I did anyway and Nate asked where some clean underwear were and I heard him rummaging around in the dark, then he entered my room, I thought to retrieve Chico, but he laid down at the foot of my bed and went to sleep.

I had a dream later that morning about Jeff calling. I heard his ringtone and actually answered the phone. The conversation was benign, almost surreal. I don’t remember much of it, but remembered thinking in the dream that he didn’t ask about Nate. Not surprising, the interpretation for talking on a phone in a dream is that you need to confront issues you are trying to avoid, and to speak to someone you know, means that you need to confront that person.

I figured that out as soon as I woke up. Didn’t really need an interpretation.

I talked to my counselor about the other events in my life, separate from Jeff, that I’ve had to deal with, especially in the last two and a half years, starting with Kevin’s suicide in November of 2006, AZ’s engagement in December and, of course, the housefire. She asked, “How did you put one foot in front of the other?”

I answered, “Nate… and… that’s just how I am.”  At least, that’s what I choked out between sobs.

She gave me, ha ha, writing assignments to be completed as we move through the process. She said, of course, that blogging and journaling is an excellent way to express my feelings. I had read on one of the news services that therapists were assigning patients to start blogs. Oh boy, I can’t wait!  (Laugh, that was supposed to be funny.)

That reminds me of David Bowie (Jareth) from the movie, Labyrinth. If you haven’t seen it, he would say something mean around the little trolls and then he would say, “Well, laugh.” Then they would all laugh with him.

Nate’s grades, really not a laughing matter. He’ll either fail the 7th grade, or he may have to attend summer school. I’m prepared for either. His counselor has some theories about his poor school performance and what we can do about that. When I picked  him up from school on Thursday, they were in the middle of their awards assembly.

When he came out I lightly asked him if he had gotten an award for the most days spent in lunch detention. He smiled and then I said I was sorry and he said, “No, that was actually pretty funny, M.”  He said a little later, “I would like to get an award.” We talked about goals and that this year is over and there isn’t anything he can do about it now, so, he needs to look towards next year and about what he can do to achieve his goal of getting an award, for something, and not the most days spent in lunch detention.

I mentioned, as I have before, The Golden Horseshoe Test, which is given each year to WV 8th grade students to test their knowledge of WV History and I told him that he would be reading “Rocket Boys/October Sky” in conjunction with WV Studies. I told him I make sure we made it down to the October Sky Festival and help him study for the test.

Then I said, let’s just get through the next couple of days…

The weather is also no laughing matter. Its 58 degrees outside and I have my furnace on. ITS JUNE 6TH FOR FUCK’S SAKE!!! Oh, its Troy’s birthday. Happy Birthday Troy!!! Its also Chris Robertson’s birthday (from Black Stone Cherry). Happy Birthday Chris!!!

I’m not working today, but I’m still working. I’m catering a tea party for 10 five year olds and their mothers. Yes, I know, its five year olds, ten of them, and their mothers, but I need the money and its only three hours… I look to the fact that I found a BEAUTIFUL dress at a local department store that fits not only waist but my bosoms as well. This, this an anamoly and I have to capitalize on that.

So is my life today.

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Well, I Missed It

May 29, 2009 at 11:47 pm (Attitude in Overdrive, Relationships, Work)

My Blogiversary that is. May 28th. Five years.  A lot of words. Our sweet Hermione has been gone a year. Its been 2 years and four months since the fire. Its almost time for Rabbit, Rabbit again.

Time, it keeps moving.

My counselor asked what I wanted to get out of our time together.

That seems like such a simple question but is very difficult to answer.

Perhaps the answers are found in the simple routines of my life, which have become not so simple. Humans are creatures of habit and police officers are taught NOT to be creatures of habit. They are taught not to patrol the same place at the same time everyday. They are taught to go against the grain of forming habits yet to observe the habits of others.

I never leave home at the same time everyday. This is helped by the fact I don’t work the same time everyday, like many people do. I drop Nate off at school a different time everyday. I don’t leave work at the same time everyday. I don’t park in the same spot everyday. I don’t take the same route to work everyday, but I do take the same route home, but sometimes I pick up Nate from school and sometimes I don’t.

I am ever mindful of who is following me in traffic. I am ever mindful of driving in the city that Jeff lives in. I am vigilant for his vehicle when I drive, when I drop Nate at school, and when I pick him up. I wonder if maybe he’s driving something different. I watch for his vehicle through the windows of the restaurant and through the windows of my own home.

I never go to sleep at the same time every night. Sometimes I sit in the dark and most of the time I sleep without feeling as though I’ve slept. My co-workers complain that I never smile anymore. This is compounded by the fact they know Jace and I aren’t seeing each other anymore.

They may have never known had it not been for Irritating Gay Guy who asked what I was doing after work and I responded that I needed to cut grass and take the garbage out. He responded that I could just have Jace do it and I should put him to work, blah, blah, blah, and why didn’t I just have Jace do it?  And he wouldn’t shut up about it! I finally said that I didn’t think that would be happening and he just needed to shut his trap about it.

Of course, he’s an idiot and irritating and just kept on until finally Candyman’s Brother, who was working the tank at the time said, “What she means is its none of your damn business and to shut the fuck up.” This finally shut Irritating Gay Guy up.

The break up with Jace is just a small part of what’s bothering me. It does bother me though. I like endings and I like answers. By his own admission, he just disappeared. As I told T-Bird, what bothers me most, is that it appears I didn’t even mean enough to him for him to properly break up with me and what really pisses me off about that is how he just couldn’t wait for me to fall for him. Blah, blah, blah. Whatever.

It fucking bothers me that when he sees me at the restaurant, which is rare, he doesn’t even acknowledge me. Like I did something horrible to him, which I didn’t. I know, I know, he did me a favor. Well, next time, do me a favor and then act like a mature adult about it because right now, all I can think is, “You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille.”

Like I need one more thing on my mind. Bothering me.

I just want to not be so hyper-vigilant. I want to do what is right and best for Nate. I want to be safe and secure and happy. I just want to be happy.

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May 27, 2009 at 10:53 am (Cats, Chico, Friends, Nate, Relationships)

Chico is a little eliminator. He’s eliminated the need for me to clean up cat barf.  In that regard, I should have named him Hoover. He’s also eliminated the need for me to seek and destroy hairballs. He is a hairball lover and had I known my cats’ regurgitated food/hair snakes would supply him with hours of chewing enjoyment I may well have saved a shit-ton of money buying him real toys.

He also chews on my old toothbrush, thus saving me the need to brush his teeth for him. It also precipitated the need for me to buy a new toothbrush as the toothbrush wasn’t really old, it just happened that after I had finished brushing my teeth one morning, and before putting said toothbrush back in the cabinet, one of the cats jumped up on the counter, and knocked the toothbrush to the floor where the little big-eared crumbcatcher was waiting.

Nate likes for me to bring Chico to school to pick him up. He rushes up, throws his 30 lb. bookbag at me, grabs the dog and says, “Ohhhhh, come on my little chick magnet.” He learned this behavior from his father.

We have decided that Chico’s ears are an indicator of : How rotten he is being (both ears totally erect), sad (both ears down), stable (one ear up/one ear down), and the weather: hot (both ears up), cold (both ears down), comfortable (one up/one down). Right now he is laying on a pile of laundry, chewing on his toothbrush, with both ears up. It is very comfortable in the house right now so this proves the little shit knows that was my toothbrush and he shouldn’t be chewing on it.

Tango was just trying to be sociable and Macy layed her ears back and growled at him. He thought he would try playing with Chico, but Chico is chewing on his toothbrush, which precipitated another round of growls from the laundry pile. Tango wandered off into the living room, which I find hilarious considering he is twice the size of Chico.

Perhaps this is because I have witnessed Chico racing after Tango with tufts of black cat hair in his mouth. The only cat Chico has a healthy fear of is Macy, because Macy will kick his ass. Chico will race up to the other cats and grab a hold of the skin at their neck and start tugging. Not Macy. He only has the nerve to nip at her ass and then skirts away with his tail between his legs when she turns and glares at him with the, “Oh no you didn’t,” look. If she could swivel her head, she would.

Nate likes to irritate Chico while he’s trying to nap.  Chico, being a puppy, will play full force and then suddenly, “Um, I need a nap, so I gotta find a lap. *Snore*”  Like, right now. Literally, he was chewing on his toothbrush, then came over, barked, I picked him up, he layed down, and *snore*. Now, if I go to pick him up, he’ll growl at me. Not a menacing I’m-going-to-eat-you-alive growl, but a quit-fucking-with-me-can’t-you-see-I’m-trying-to-sleep growl.

Nate has learned he doesn’t even have to pick him up or try to pick him up, all he has to do is touch him. So, he does. *Touch* *growl* *giggle* *touch* *growl* *giggle* *touch* *growl* *giggle* *touchgrowlgiggle* *touchgrowlgiggle*


Awwww! Its fun!

You’ll make him mean! Leave him alone!

*touch* *growl* *giggle*


Okay, okay.

I’ve taken to calling Chico – Chico Mocoso. “Mocoso” supposedly being the Spanish word for “brat.” It probably means “twat” or “douchebag” so I don’t say it out loud in front of my Mexican neighbors.

One would think I’d have the sense to use German words, since I do speak fluent German and he is half German, it would make more sense to call him a Schlingle, which I know means “brat” in German. At least, that’s what my host father told me. Then again, its colloquial and could also mean “douchebag.” Although I don’t see my host mother putting up with my host father calling me a douchebag for 20 years.

And let’s face it, Chico looks Mexican. Although he has several personality traits of the dachsund, namely his digging, burrowing, and attacking anything resembling a badger (the cats), in his features he definitely takes after the chihuahua side of the family. I mean, if he had taken after the dachsund side of the family I would have named him Hans and I would feel comfortable speaking German to him. I do call him Momma’s Bubba’s Little Badger Dog, and that will have to suffice.

In other news, I saw Lex yesterday. He texted me when I got off from work and I visited with him on the patio at Booksamillion before picking Nate up from his field trip. He looks good, good enough to eat. I’ll get to that. I got some good hugs and stole a sweet kiss. He’s preparing for the LSAT, so I sat down and took part of the test, which I got 100% on. Maybe I’ll study for and take the LSAT, just to see how I do. Anyway, Lex is trying to finish up his Masters in History while studying for the LSAT, working, and chasing me around.

I think, its going to be a great summer.

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