Nanny Crocker

June 29, 2009 at 10:02 pm (Crazy Shit, General, Nate)

Well, as you know, when I’m trying to make myself feel better, I cook, more often, I bake.

Yesterday I got a wild hair and decided to make crab stuffed mushrooms. Word to the wise, use a lot of spices. They were fabulous!  I used cream cheese in the filling, next time though, I’d like to try a different recipe.  It was enough for dinner for two nights. So, economical as well.

I then decided I wanted something sweet. Its almost that time of the month and I’ma cravin’. I don’t have a lot of baking goods in my house so I had to choose something that I already had the ingredients for.  I finally found a recipe for cinnamon bundt cake. I love cinnamon and it included walnuts, which I like. However, I didn’t have walnuts, so I used pecans, and I love pecans – almost as much as peaches.

And because I’m a little ADD and because I had set things down on the recipe, I kind of missed the fact that the cinnamon/sugar mixture was to go between batter layers and I just added cinnamon to the whole batter.  Instead of a cinnamon swirl bundt cake, I have a pecan cinnamon bundt cake.

Its delish. Nate says so as well, and he’s not much of  nut eater, and although he likes cinnamon, he doesn’t love cinnamon, but he loves Mama’s bundt cake.  I thought that the pecans gave it a nice flavor and he said it gave it a nice crunchiness.

We just had some, warm from the oven, with butter and cold milk. YUM. Nate was also impressed that my bundt didn’t stick and came out PERFECT.

In other news, I talked to Nate’s uncle’s girlfriend today. She had called and left a message wanting our address so she could send Nate a card for his birthday. She had left a message to start with and part of it referenced that they knew what was going on with Jeff and they fully understood.

I guess they would since they’ve lived next door to him for as long as Nate’s been on this Earth. She said they missed Nate and she said, “I always had a good time with Nate. He was never a bit of trouble.”  Nate’s very close to their daughter, who is just 18 months younger. I know he spent a lot of time there.

I don’t trust her much. Over 13 years, you learn. I let Nate know that I’d talked to her and gotten his cousin’s cellphone number. He shrugged. Other than his sister, he’s pretty much against anything having to do with the paternal side of his family. His uncle is an alcoholic too, although a different type than Jeff, but still an alcoholic.  His other uncle is a drug addict and I don’t know much about the one that lives out of state but I’ve heard he’s an alcoholic too.

There are eight grandchildren in the family (the eldest doesn’t have any children), and none of them have the same mother.  Honestly, I always thought that was a little bizarre.  Nate is the only one that does not carry his father’ s last name.

Things are probably going to roll by the end of the week. I’ll keep you updated.

I’m going to go meditate now.

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Growth

June 24, 2009 at 8:59 am (Alice in Chains, AZ, Crazy Shit, Friends, International Travel, Nate)

I just finished hugging my child. I asked him, “Did you grow an inch last night?” Flat footed, he’s almost looking me in the eye. Wasn’t it just yesterday that he still had to look up to me?  For right now, he still does look up to me, even if we’re seeing eye to eye.

I’m tired. I was up until about 3 a.m. this morning, finishing my court summary. It came in handy. My alarm was set for 7:30. I slept okay, just not long enough. My back is really hurting from being hunched over typing. It was hurting before, think I slept the wrong way.

I got a rockin’ pair of red shoes to go with my new dress thanks to a friend. I put on some vintage Sarah Convetry pearls and looked like a 50’s housewife. Not so much with the shoes on as they are two inch stilleto peep toes. At least retro is in.  

I went to the memorial service this morning. I was doing pretty good until the decedent’s brother got up to speak. I’ve had many conversations with him and I’m just very, very fond of the entire family, as I was his brother. When his voice broke, my heart broke right along with it.

I then went to the restaurant and had lunch. I didn’t eat much as I was starting to get the nervous stomach. Outside of that, I was oddly calm. No shaky hands or feelings like I was going to throw up. I got choked up on the stand when I talked about Nate not wanting to attend his great-uncle’s service because his dad would be there.  I was emotional, but to the point, not given to hysterics or theatrics. Just the facts, ma’am.

It was scary.  

It turned out okay. We’re going back in five weeks, but I have a feeling we’ll be back before then.

I talked to AZ. He had called when I was in the shower yesterday and Nate forgot to tell me.  I’m so numb and shut down I must sound like a drone. I feel the numbness taking me over and I both welcome it and hate it.

Its a survival mechanism, which I figured out long before my counselor told me. If not, I’d be drooling puddles from a drug-induced stupor in a straight jacket.  As my meds wear off in the evenings, because I’m still on the starting dose, I chain smoke.

Wasn’t I talking about AZ? Yeah, not much to report. He just wanted to know how things were going and I told him. Didn’t get a chance to ask him before he had to go, said he would call me back, which I doubt, and I don’t care. Odd though that I thought about calling him on Sunday and he called yesterday.

My life, the life of odd.

Listening to a little Jerry. Just Boggy Depot, Degradation Trip is not as soothing and I’m not really in the mood to reach in and start pulling thorns out of my soul so I’ll be laying off the Alice tonight.

One bizarre note, I was instructed not to take Nate out of the country, as he and I both have passports. Ha, obviously they haven’t priced tickets to Europe lately. But seriously, I was like WHAT THE FUCK! His attorney said that Jeff was afraid if things didn’t go my way that I may try to secret Nate off to a foreign country. LMFAO!  

I think I could disappear far easier in the good ole U. S. of A.  However, I don’t believe in running away, I believe in standing and fighting.

And I forgot to post this last night, so Good Morning Bloggers.

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Pain

June 22, 2009 at 9:39 am (Crazy Shit, Friends)

Yesterday was just a painful day.

On Saturday, a recent high school graduate was killed in a car accident.  He was 19 years old and was to begin basic training at the Air Force Academy this week.

Yesterday I was reading our catering sheet and found that an acquaintance of mine had passed away. He was 48. I know his family pretty well. His father and brother especially.

Then there was my situation.

Three fathers spent Father’s Day without their sons.

It was just painful and not something I can escape. So, in addition to the hearing tomorrow, I’ll also be attending a memorial service. Happy days.

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September the 29th

June 21, 2009 at 12:09 am (Alice in Chains, Crazy Shit, Music)

I am taking the day off from work. The new Alice in Chains CD “Black Gives Way to Blue” is being released on this date. Well, it is a Tuesday… that seems a strange day but I’m okay with it.

Alice has also released a teaser trailer for their new video to the first single, “A Looking In View,” which features an amazing riff by my favorite guitarist, Jerry Cantrell.  Although I’m wondering, who releases a “teaser trailer” for their new video? I guess the answer to that would be Alice.  Yes, I expect you to watch it.  18 seconds, watch it!

I do love that riff!  Yes!

I do need something to look forward to. I can’t wait for the new music, can’t wait for the new lyrics. Just can’t wait.

I woke up at 6:30 in the “a” of the “m,” anxious and thinking about Jeff. Can you think of worse way to wake up? Jeebus Christos. I’m sure you can think of worse ways to wake up, but for me, that’s about the worst way for me to wake up, barring the death of my son, nuclear holocaust, or another house fire, yep, that’s the worst way to wake up.

Since I’m going to court, I’ve taken to summarizing the entries from my blog which have been about Jeff, starting in January of 2006. One particular entry made me laugh out loud. It was when I was discussing that Jeff’s girlfriend had accused he and I of having an affair and I stated that she must have mistaken the “look of love” for the look of “I wish I was vomiting Drano out of my nose” when dealing with her little ray of sunshine.

Nate also had a dream about his dad, again. This time, Nate took over the phone duties, because his dream was about his dad calling him. He said it was pretty bizarre and didn’t remember much about what was said. Ah, yes, the phone dreams.

Can we talk about Alice again? I’m not stupid, I know they’re my escape. The music from “It Ain’t Like That” from Facelift reminds me of the new music. I really love Facelift.  Rignt now though, I’m on the “Nightrain.” Nate is spending the night with his sister, so, I figured even though I have to work tomorrow that this is my opportunity to have a few beers.

I’m giving up alcohol for the greater good in a short period of time, less than a month, at least for a period of time, so… CHEERS! while I can still drink.

Did I tell you the new Alice in Chains CD will be out September 29th?  Yeah.

I talked to Kevin’s cousin. I told him how much I still miss Kevin and how he could make me laugh like no one else could. He didn’t have much to say. Somtimes I feel like I’m the only one who remembers.

I almost called AZ today. I thought better of it.

I’ve been doing searches for property/houses/farms in Northern Texas and Arizona. I’m not sure why, since I’ve never been to Northern Texas. It has become quite apparent though that all I can afford a piece of scrub in Centralwestern Arizona. I’ve seen some nice places. Can’t afford any of them, but nice places.

I’m kind of restless. Poor Chico, he follows me from place to place. Its taken me hours, a six pack, and a pack of cigarettes to write this. I’m no further along than I was before.

September 29th. I can’t wait. Just wish I could afford to go to Germany to see them and my host family.

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Hello

June 17, 2009 at 7:27 pm (Chico, Crazy Shit, My Travels, Nate)

I really didn’t have a better title, so that’s it.

I got some meds yesterday. My beloved Wellbutrin, how I have missed thee.  Since its very difficult for me to talk about certain things these days without bawling, I was happy that my counselors could get me into see a doctor. She was a bit odd and at times I felt like I was a science experiment gone horribly wrong, but otherwise, it was okay.

The meds are expensive, so I may switch from the extended release to the ones you have to remember to take twice a day. They are much cheaper.

I got Jeff’s answer to my petition. He hired a lawyer, so I had to get a lawyer. The answer was actually exactly what I expected, but nicer. Beth had asked about Father’s Day. Let’s just say, Jeff won’t be getting a card this year, although I offered to buy one.

Chico is rotten and just like a baby. You know how babies throw their rattles in the floor and then you pick it up for them. Yeah, Chico does the same thing with his squeaky bear. Although, unlike a baby, Chico is fully able to get off my lap, get the bear, and get back up, he just won’t because he’s spoiled.

Remember last year Nate, Cam, Danlel and myself went to Hiddenite, NC to dig in the emerald mine?  Well, Nate and I are going again tomorrow, just the two of us. I’m trying to decide whether to leave butt-ass early and come home early, or leave later and come home later.

I like the idea of getting there early, but four a.m. just hurts my feelings.  I’m sure four a.m. would hurt Nate’s feelings as well, but, he’s not driving so he can sleep all he wants on the four hour trip there.  I’m pretty excited to just be getting the hell out of here and spending the day digging in the dirt and the creek with my youngin’.

I got some of that Purex 3-in-1 detergent, fabric softener, dryer sheets. I’m trying it out right now. I’ll let you know how it works.

I guess I should go out and muck out the car a bit. I believe, although I’m not certain, that our treasures from our last trip to Hiddenite are still under the front seat. That just sort of became their “place.” I’m taking something better than a plastic bag this time. I just finished some butter, so I’m going to use the butter tub. Hopefully it will be full of VALUABLE gems this time around.  Regardless, we’ll have fun.

So, have a great evening and a great Thursday. (We’re off from counseling this week.)

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How Can This Be?

May 28, 2009 at 2:49 pm (Crazy Shit)

I’ve toned up quite a bit in the past six months. I can’t say I’ve lost weight, okay, maybe two or three pounds since then, but actually its probably a net gain since I’ve packed on a lot of muscle. While I’ve dropped 2, if not 3, pant sizes, my shirts remain the same. I feel crazy even saying that I think while the rest of me shrinks, my breasts are still growing.

Yep, the mammaries have resisted. The reason I think they’ve grown is because some of my shirts don’t fit like they used to. They’re smaller. Since I haven’t washed them recently, and its more than one, the only thing I can figure is that all of the “weight lifting” I do has also increased the pectoral muscle underneath my boobies, thus making my breasts “bigger.”

Not really. My breasts are the same size. Period. Even if my weight fluctuates by 30 pounds, I still have them. I may drop 1/2  cup size or even go up 1/2 a cup, but they pretty much are undaunted by my weight fluctuations.

Simply, I was genetically predisposed to have these boobies. Since I’ve been working out more my pectorals have seemingly “increased” my breast size. Not so. The pectorals are merely pushing my boobies further out. No, they don’t appear to be any perkier. Well, maybe a little. Nothing really helps saggy skin though.

And that is the saga of me and my boobies today.

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Circles

May 23, 2009 at 11:14 pm (Crazy Shit, Friends, Memories)

Five years ago I was dating Lex and didn’t have any idea what a blog was until he sent me a link to one.  Directly following that link, I started Anything Goes.

Now, five years later, I still have Anything Goes and Lex is still around as well.

Lex text-messaged me right as things were going really south with Jace. His love life had gone south as well and said he knew I would understand, better than anyone, that sense of betrayal. No shit, Sherlock.

So, we talked. We texted. We really suck at relationships but damn, we had some great sex. So, we’re going to have more of it.  I have a lot of great memories of Lex and being where I am right now emotionally, I really understand where he was emotionally five years ago.

More later. I have an eye infection and I’m very sensitive. Take care.

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99.97

May 16, 2009 at 1:13 am (Alice in Chains, Black Stone Cherry, Crazy Shit, Music, Nate, T-Bird, The House, Work)

Today has been one of the most angst filled days of my life. If have trouble finishing my food, you know, something is wrong. I got a voice mail on Monday or Tuesday wanting to know about his visitation with Nate. I didn’t answer.  I went over and over in my mind what I was going to say, and somewhere along those lines, my thoughts changed from what I was going to say to him to what I was going to write in the Court papers.

I started it out longhand, sitting at the Chef’s Table at the restaurant between shifts. I thought a lot about what went into that paper. Then I sat down and wrote it out like it should have been written. Then I went and picked up the 12 additional pieces of paper I needed, and I filled those out.

I was nervous and upset and scared. I felt like I had a basketball in my throat and iron-tipped butterflies in my stomach. But, I did it anyway.

I know what he’ll say in his response and some of it may be partially true and some of it will be outright lies and I really don’t care. I’ve been through enough that whatever happens, I’ll survive that too.

What I’m totally amazed by is what I can accomplish when I’m not having to deal with him. I, for the most part, have my house cleaned, at least, the important parts. That’s even after I spent MY DAY OFF at Nate’s school and MY OTHER DAY OFF at my parents’ place, went to Nate’s band concert, made three trips to the Courthouse, a trip to the YMCA, called my counselor, called Nate’s doctor’s office twice, wrote the petition, filled out 12 pages of information, made copies, took care of my cats, the dog, made sure Nate took a shower, had his homework finished, went to Wal-Mart, took T-Bird to the unemployment office and her doctor’s office, I blogged, went to the grocery store, twice, actually made dinner, twice, and I slept. 

All that, even after I worked 99.97 hours on my feet in the past two weeks.

And in four hours and 51 minutes (or around about then), I’m leaving for Rock on the Range. I’ll not get to go to both days, but by golly, I’m going to see Black Stone Cherry and I’m going to see Alice in Chains!!!!

That doesn’t mean I’m not being hyper-vigilant and that I’m not nervous as hell, but, it will be really nice just to get away for at least one day.

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Mother’s Day… *Sigh*

May 11, 2009 at 10:24 am (Crazy Shit, Nate)

I lost my keys on Mother’s Day. I know, I’m always losing my keys. Nate was kind enough to find the “KEYS” key holder that is supposed to hang on the wall but had fallen because I had also started putting bills up there and you know, it got a little heavy.

I suppose the keys were supposed to magically appear there. They didn’t. I found them under a fake strand of holly leaves on the coffee table. Yeah, just doing a little re-organizing.  Who am I kidding? I don’t have time to organize, let alone re-organize!

Something Nate said just broke my heart. He said, “Maybe this is a sign that we should stay home today.”

I said, “Maybe it’s a sign that we shouldn’t be out right now and when we find the keys, then we can go.”

He said, “Maybe it’s because Daddy is waiting on us.”

“What do you mean, Nate?”

“Well, maybe Daddy’s waiting for us somewhere on the road and that’s why we can’t find the keys.”

More discussion ensued about our feelings and our thoughts and I did my best to reassure him about his and my safety. It was a disturbing peek into the thoughts that go through my son’s head. I called the YWCA Family Abuse Resolve Center today. They haven’t returned my call yet.

Have to get ready for work. Hope you had a great Mother’s Day.

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Irritated and Tired

May 7, 2009 at 11:38 am (Crazy Shit, Memories, Nate)

I worked three doubles, back to back to back. Today, my day off, I have spent the morning with Nate at his school. I will return this afternoon. I’ve wondered since when teaching entails turning on a video, giving out a worksheet, and then sitting at your desk drinking coffee and eating a danish, especially when there is to be no food in the classroom. One teacher explained that she didn’t have time for breakfast. The other teacher told me she was as grumpy as nine bears. Wonderful learning environment!

I have to get my hair trimmed. Nate will be getting his hair cut.

Jeff sent me an e-mail informing me he had not seen Nate his last two scheduled visitations and if he misses another one he will be filing contempt of court charges. I haven’t responded, I’m not sure I will. Let him. I’ll counterfile for full custody and no visitation. Can I counterfile for Jeff not being able to actually have visitation because he was too drunk or angry? I mean, if he can file contempt charges because I don’t let him see Nate, why can’t I file contempt charges for him being too drunk or angry to exercise his visitation rights on more than one occasion?

I knew I should have categorized all of my old posts. Now, I’ll spend an incredible amount of time compiling the long, long list of the things that have happened over the past five years. Yes, on May 27th, I will have been blogging for five years. Long time, a lot of words.

There’s even things I remember but didn’t put onto paper. Like, in May of 2007, Jeff was carted off by the State Police for harrassing them about his daughter. What I didn’t write down, was how he told me he wanted to kill her mother by slitting her throat and while she was gurgling and drowning in her own blood he was going to shit down her throat. He was very descriptive.

Rock n Rolllllllllllll!

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