Strange Thought

August 26, 2009 at 8:01 pm (Crazy Shit)

I was wondering if it was strange that when I clear plates at the restaurant and men have shoved their tomatoes aside that I want to lecture them to eat their tomatoes for good prostate health.

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Lovely…

August 24, 2009 at 8:51 am (Crazy Shit, Nate, Writing)

I read Alice Sebold’s “The Lovely Bones” yesterday. I woke up thinking about it this morning. It wasn’t a good feeling. I discovered I like things tied up in neat packages. There was so much unresolved injustice in it, but that’s life, and that’s a part of life that I don’t like.  Not to say that it wasn’t beautifully crafted, it was. It really was.

I’m not in a good place today and its been knawing at me for longer than a few days. I have a hearing this week, and I have only heard from Nate’s Guardian At Litem once, and he hasn’t returned any of my phone calls. I know this is something I really have no control over. I’ve done everything I can do… and now we whittle down to the final days and things aren’t done. It drives me nuts and I’m anxious.

The good news is, I lost an inch and a half from my waist. I don’t have scales but I promise myself I’ll get some. I keep telling myself that, but, my weight doesn’t matter to me as much as the size of my waistline. Diabetes runs so strong in my family and having a large waistline contributes to that. I found a great butter called Olivio. Its made with olive oil and it tastes great.

I’ve learned a lot about portion size, what has more fat, more sodium, I’ve bought new foods, developed my own amazing salads, and I’m trying to convert Nate to eating healthier as well.

Speaking of Nate, we had such a good day yesterday. I took him shopping for new shoes. I had to buy him size 11 in men’s for his ginormous foot. Skinny kid, long legs, big, big feet. He got a new vampire book, “The Chronicles of  Vladimir Tod 3 – Tenth Grade Bleeds.”  He was happy. We also got another book about “Twilight.”  He’s such a funny young man. I also got some more of his school supplies. We weren’t the only ones who waited until the last minute. The shopping center was packed!

I’ve also taken up yoga to help with my anxiety and for the health benefits. I really suck at it but I know I’ll get better as I get more flexible.  Trying to get to a good place. I try to concentrate on my son laughing as he says, imitating a cat from a YouTube video, with visuals, “I’m poopin’, I’m poopin’, oop, false alarm.”

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Insomnia… Sort Of

August 14, 2009 at 3:45 am (Crazy Shit, Family, Music, Relationships)

Lex is leaving for college tomorrow. He came over tonight to tell me good-bye and rub my bum shoulder that I hurt while raking the lawn in preparation for mowing.  Then he decided to rub some other things and … well, that worked out okay.

I wish I could say that I’m going to miss him.

One of my therapists was digging around in my past the other day and said, “You’re angry, why are you not talking about your anger?”

I said, “I am angry! I know I’m angry.”

“Then why are you not talking about it?”

“I am talking about it, I just told you I was angry. I’m not sure what you want. Do you want me to tell you that my mother is a fucking bitch, because I can do that ALL DAY.”

That must have been what she wanted because she let me rant and rave for a bit. I’m not much happier with my dad for not opening his mouth and saying something all those years. Matter of fact, I may be more mad about that. I can remember my mom being mad because supposedly my dad took up for me in private. Whatever. It didn’t help anything then, and it doesn’t help anything now.

I’m not exactly sure where I found all of the strength I have, it certainly wasn’t from either of my parents.

I only saw my dad tell my mom to shut up one time. It wasn’t about me, it was about something else, but in my opinion, he should have told a bit more, instead of sitting around with his arms crossed, absorbed in the TV so he didn’t have to deal with her. No, he left that to me. Thanks Dad, thanks a whole hell of a lot.

I think one reason that I am so strong, or at least appear to be is that my mother was such a whiner. Just a whining pathetic bag of emotional tangles and depression and not much has changed. The combination of never wanting to be like that, and the stiff upper lip I developed from her emotional abuse and abandonment and my father’s literal abandonment, by staying away a lot of the time, just conditioned me to not be, what I perceived, a whining pathetic sot.

I conditioned myself to roll through life, taking the punches, left and right, and getting up, dusting myself off, and moving on. Really though, I was just shoving a bunch of shit down inside of me and now I’m spinning my wheels.

What’s really frustrating is listening to my mother yak on about Dr. Ph*l and Opr*h as though they are the end all and be all of how to better yourself. WHATEVER WOMAN! She talks about all of the people she sees on Dr. Ph*l but never has the self-awareness to realize HOW MUCH LIKE THEM SHE IS!

And my dad, Jesus H. Christ, I don’t think the man has contemplated an emotion for several years.  I’m one of those people, you know, the ones who are certain they were adopted but were never told. I always thought my dad was an intelligent man, but has he ages, he shows just how ignorant and close minded he is.

AAAAAGHHHHHH!!!!! 

Bah!

Anyway, I want to learn how to play the fiddle. And I want to go back to dance class. And, instead of one story, I’m submitting several to my local paper’s “Write Your Own Column” section.

So, that’s how I feel in these early morning hours.

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Tired and Cranky

July 22, 2009 at 6:51 pm (Cats, Crazy Shit, Family, Nate, Work)

Had to be at work at seven this morning. It was pretty busy today as well.

I got home and found an invitation in the mail to my niece’s birthday party this Sunday at a spa. I’m not going.

First, I’m really tired and I’ve got so much shit on my plate I’ve had to upgrade to a platter.

Second, I’m not in the mood to deal with my parents, my brother, my sister-in-law or her family.

Third, neither my brother nor my sister-in-law could be bothered to remember Nate’s birthday and it really chaps my ass to get an invitation to this SPA PARTY for a FIVE YEAR OLD when they couldn’t make a simple fucking phone call to my son when he became a teenager, so, fuck ’em.

My psych doc likes my use of the phrase: Chaps my ass. She had never heard it before. I’m happy to educate her on the various ways I’ve either devised or picked up to express my distain.

Radar says its storming here, but its not.  Perhaps its storming on the other side of the house, because its not happening here.

I’m listening to one of my 32 Foreigner songs. Actually, I fibbed. At the time I wrote the last post, I was downloading “No End In Sight: The Very Best of Foreigner,” however, prior to that I had also downloaded “Girl on the Moon,” one of my very favorite Foreigner songs. So, I really have 33 Foreigner songs.

I’m not so happy at work. I love my job, I love my guests, its the rest I tire of. Its also getting to the point where I’m going to need a new car. During the summer my bills go up because of Nate’s daycamp, but I make less at work, and I can’t put any money back for a down payment much less a regular car payment and increased insurance.

Plus, by the time we’re in busy season, Nate will be in school and who knows what’s going to happen with Jeff and the Aspergers evaluation. More than anything, Nate needs me at home in the evenings and weekends. I figure I can survive five years working in an office again.

The time will be gone in the blink of any eye. So will my sanity, but hey, they give me drugs for that.

Nate has lost Wilbur (The One Kitten). My guess is his cranky Mama came in and stole him while Nate wasn’t watching. I’d better go and help him look. He won’t shut up until he finds them.

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Nothing New

July 20, 2009 at 1:19 pm (Cats, Chico, Crazy Shit, Nate, Relationships)

Can’t really say there’s nothing new going on. Just nothing earth-shattering which is good.

The second of Luna’s babies died, so that leaves The One. She and Nate are locked in battle as to where The One Baby is going to reside. Nate has set up what he calls, “The Lunar Pod,” which is an old round litter box that I bought after the fire. He lined it with old towels and puts the The One Baby in there. Luna will come in, nurse the baby, then leave.

Then, around midnight every night, Luna decides the Lunar Pod is not the place for them and attempts to move The One Baby back inside the couch. Normally, this ends with The One Baby being dumped beside of the couch, crying, then being rescued by either myself or Nate.  Never a dull moment.

Lex came over last night. I’m happy to report, he reminded me how good sex can be. Nate, in all of his gigglyness, asked what Lex and I were going to “talk” about. Yes, he used quotation marks. Although, at the time, he didn’t know it was Lex that was coming over.

And then, this morning, Nate reported “wet spots” in his underwear that had nothing to do with nocturnal wetness but may have something more to do with noctural emissions. Given the fact I’m fairly certain he had every indication that I was going to get laid last night, right down to clean sheets and an earlier bedtime, perhaps his mind, whether conscious or subconsciously, was thinking about sex, and well, holy shit.

I mean, COME ON! Oh, that was just a bad choice of words.

Shit! Talk about uncharted waters. And that blasted ankle biter of mine, although sequestered under Nate’s blankets, heard unfamiliar footsteps in my house and started barking, which woke Nate up, but I’m fairly certain he was sound asleep again within a few minutes because he didn’t use quotation marks this morning and didn’t make any ribald comments.

Okay, he did use quotation marks, once to describe “friend” and once when he asked if we had a good “talk.”  Had my son been 18 instead of 13 I would have embarrassed him by answering, “Why yes, son, we did have a wonderful talk and had you been awake I’m sure you would have known exactly how wonderful that talk was, since I was fairly certain that I was going to wake you, our yappy ankle biter, and the neighbors when one of the most powerful and fulfilling orgasms of my life ripped through my body like a bolt of lightning. It is very difficult to keep that quiet.”

My life is so normal. We’re facing the normal facets of growing up, yet, I feel like its so abnormal. Abnormal for us. Normal in the course of life, normal in the course of growing up, but uncharted waters. I’m not drowing yet but I’m definitely sinking.

I just downloaded 32 songs by Foreigner.

Nothing new to see here.

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Wednesday

July 16, 2009 at 1:20 pm (Cats, Crazy Shit, Nate)

Yesterday Luna had a her kittens. Yes, I know, I hadn’t mentioned that Luna was pregnant because I really didn’t want it to be true. She had three, two of which lived and they are both black, like their uncle/father, Jirachi. Ugh.

She had them inside the couch. The cats have collectively shredded a hole in the arm of my couch and she went INSIDE to have the babies. They freakin’ cried all night.

Otherwise, the real crux of Wednesday was that upon arrival at counseling (a break from our usual Thursdays), Nate informed me he didn’t want to talk to them, he only wanted to talk to me.

Thereafter, his counselor and my counselor hustled me away to the upstairs counseling room and sat down to deliver, I guess what they thought might be a huge BOMBSHELL that they believe that Nate may have Aspergers Disorder.

Aspergers is one of the Pervasive Developmental Disorders associated with high functioning autism. As I read the informational sheet, I was struck by how much like my son it sounded and a bit like myself as well.

One thing in particular struck me the most (aside from poor social skills, a one track mind, creative, intelligent, and consistent underachiever), was taking things in the literal sense. I can’t tell you how annoyed and FRUSTRATED I would become with Nate over his homework, and then, the lack of turning that homework in.

First, Nate would bring home unfinished papers, but then say, “Its not homework because the teacher didn’t say it was homework and the teacher is the boss of the classroom, so if the teacher didn’t say it was homework, then its not homework.”  Then, after being made to do the paper, over his complaints that it wasn’t homework, I would find the same paper in his bookbag, when questioned, he would say, “The teacher didn’t ask for it.”

Now, you and I would assume, if all the other children in the classroom stood up and turned the paper in without being told, then Nate would too. However, if he has Aspergers, that’s not how he thinks. He doesn’t assume things, or even respond to that social clue. He is ‘blind’ to regular social clues that you and I respond to. He would only respond to the teacher telling him that 1) if you don’t finish the paper, take it home for homework, and 2) if the teacher said, “Turn in blah blah paper.”

I can’t tell you how many times he would look at me and say, “The teacher didn’t say it was homework,” and “The teacher didn’t ask for it.”  Over and over and over and fucking OVER, until you really start to believe he just doesn’t want to do it, which I doubt he does anyway, because he’s bored off his ass and sees absolutely no purpose in going to school at all, but will conform if he’s given the right instruction, whether he likes it or not.

So, you can see why this would cause the problems that it has, especially with Jeff. We take it that if  I paper is not finished in class, then its homework, even if the teacher doesn’t say so. If Nate isn’t told that than he believes that it isn’t homework, then it appears to be a lie that he doesn’t have homework, even when he has unfinished papers in his bookbag.

This is something that I have been seeking for a long time. I knew he wasn’t really “bonding” with his counselor, that he chooses to talk to me about how he’s feeling, but as I told him, I don’t have the tools in my tool chest to help you. Luckily, if it is Aspergers, which they don’t diagnose so they are sending us to a comprehensive center at Marshall University, then, I’m going to understand so much more about how my son thinks! And if I know how he thinks, then I can be such a better parent to him.

Amazingly, which is something that I didn’t have any idea about, was that ADD/ADHD is part of the diagnostic criteria for Aspergers. And, the program at Marshall has a specific intervention center for Autism/Aspergers and my tool chest would be full of things I can do that will help Nate succeed.

How long, oh how long, have a kept telling, and kept telling, and kept telling his doctors/counselors, “socially awkward, doesn’t make friends easily, takes things literally, etc. etc. etc.”

I guess they thought I was going to be upset. I’M NOT UPSET, I’M ELATED!  Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME???? I’ve been searching for the key to Nate for a long time and if this is it, then I can’t even begin to tell you how much hope I have and the tears I cry are tears of joy that finally, I might REALLY be able to help him instead of swimming around in a dark sea, searching for light.

And if its not Aspergers, I’ll just keep searching. But, I think we’re on to something. At least I feel as though I’ve solved one major mystery, and that is why Nate will do his homework but not turn it in. Because the teacher didn’t ask for it. Why didn’t I think of that???

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ALICE!!!!

July 11, 2009 at 3:03 am (Alice in Chains, Crazy Shit, Music, Work)

Alice in Chains has posted their new video and hence their new song, “A Looking In View” on their webiste. OMG!  *SQUEAL*  No disappointment.  Its dark and bleak and hauntingly beautiful. And its got this kick ass riff… just listen to the first 60 seconds!

Hear footsteps creak the floor/The shadows give away/Someone outside the door/Won’t let ’em in

(As if I needed anything else to keep me awake tonight. Nate is at my mom and dad’s and I find it difficult, if not downright impossible to sleep, or to at least sleep soundly while he’s not here. 

The Chico Mocoso is on my lap, knawing his bone, his squeaky bear, and occasionally my hand.  I’m trying to convince myself that I don’t have to sleep with my Maglite and Jeff isn’t suddenly going to break in my door and murder me in my sleep… or awake.)

Alice also just announced that they’re having two pre-release listening parties, one in LA and one in NY. The one in LA is July the 14th and the one in NY is July the 21st. Only five fans are going to each of the parties. Of course I submitted my name for the NY party.

New York is only 9 hours away. This is only one more hour than Atlanta. However, they’re not announcing the winners for the NY party until … July 20th. The way they announced it, it was almost like you had to live in NY because of the short time frame. Ha. They don’t know me very well.  So, keep your freakin’ fingers crossed!  And your toes, and cross your legs for good measure.

Chico needs to calm down. He’s more hyped than I am. Work was good. My tip average was 35%. One of my guests tipped me almost 50% and another 70%! Candyman says if you wait on him very often he’ll put you in a new tax bracket. This guest worked his way through college as a … bartender. He and his wife are both very, very generous.

My back is really bothering me tonight. It feels like someone is constantly stabbing me between the shoulder blades. Imagine that. I finally get my lower back to quit hurting and now its moved. My muscles are so knotted, the knots have knots. Rosie and Candyman have both attempted to rub my back but it brings tears to my eyes and the restaurant generally prohibits torture (not to mention the muffled screams).

I like the fact that on iTunes, the new song falls right before the MTV Unplugged version of “Nutshell.” I could listen to “Nutshell” all day long. Jar of Flies, “Nutshell’s” original EP, is my favorite Alice. Dirt is second.

I’ve quoted or referenced every song from Jar of Flies in my blog except “Rotten Apple.” The lyrics are a bit different. One line lyrics interspersed with  “hey ah na na.” 

Hey ah na na/Innocence is over/hey ah na na/over

Hey ah na na/Ignorance is spoken/hey ah na na/spoken

Cool song, though, nice funky rhythm at the beginning.

Well, its 3 a.m. and I’m going to try and get some sleep and unkink my back. As soon as I listen to “A Looking In View” one more time.

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Unlike

July 7, 2009 at 2:08 am (Crazy Shit, Nate)

I had another dream about Jeff last night. In it, he was laying out all of Nate’s school things. He was talking to me but I couldn’t hear him. It was more the scene than anything else. And, it was like I was watching it in third person, not actually participating. I really don’t remember actually hearing anything he said, although I could see his lips moving.

To not be able to hear someone in a dream means that you need to pay closer attention to what people tell you or you feel as though you’re being left out of things.

Regardless, I woke up very anxious. I took my medicine, which is supposed to help with that, and it did… to a degree. I spent all morning and afternoon working on the living room. It just gets these trouble spots. Nate helped me and I washed the covers for the couch. It looks much better.

However, it wasn’t until I was on my way to work that I realized… I hadn’t eaten all day. I had my coffee, but had totally forgotten to eat, wasn’t even hungry. I ate at work, but I can’t say I was actually … hungry. Very unlike me. I was a a little hungry when I got home a little bit ago, but not like I normally am after a long, busy shift.

Nate is with friends. I don’t know what I would do without them. Hung out for a bit and chatted, but Nate wanted to stay and I told him I would be by to pick him up in the morning. Since Jeff is cruising the neighborhood at all hours, Nate’s push for independence took a downward turn.

Nate’s been asking some tough questions, none of which I have any answers for.  We’ve been playing musical beds. Sometimes he sleeps in my bed and I sleep in his, or he falls asleep on the couch and I’ll sleep in my bed, or I’ll just go lay down in his bed and he comes and lays down with me and then I get up and go to my bed.

It was during one of those times that I had lain down in his bed that he came in and layed with me, suddenly asking how people become alcoholics. I told him I didn’t know because I’m not an alcoholic. I conjectured that some people have a big hole in them where everyone else has a lot of love, and they fill that empty void with alcohol (or drugs or something else).

Then, as we were pulling into the parking lot to go to the movies, he asked suddenly why people tell us not to something and then do it themselves. It totally came out of left field, then he got upset with me that I didn’t understand him right off and stalked off saying, “I don’t feel like explaining.”

After the movie I brought it up again and basically he was asking me about hypocrisy. I told him that no matter who you are that sometimes you are guilty of hypocrisy and its realizing it and changing yourself so as not to be hypocritical that is important.

I know it has been bothering Nate a lot that his dad lied at our hearing and that’s one of the things that Jeff has always said about Nate, and said in the hearing, that Nate is a liar. Nate has told me before that he would tell his dad the truth but he wouldn’t believe him so Nate would lie to him so he would believe him.

Ugh. It just keeps going around in circles. I’m tired. I’m going to bed.

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A Couple of Redeemers

July 3, 2009 at 9:05 pm (Crazy Shit, Friends, Memories, Nate, Relationships)

Have you ever been in a situation where someone has told you something and finished with, “I thought you should know.”?  Yeah, that’s where I found myself today.

Its one of those situations that is rather upsetting and I know that it was kept from me with the best of intentions, so as not to upset me or even embarass me. However, I would have rather known sooner than later that Jace has been exhibiting unsavory behaviors in his new position at a location other than mine, which he went to right after he dropped out of my life.

I had long suspected that the reason for him dropping out of my life was to pursue those more nubile, and you may read into that, more stupid, more needy, and less worldly than myself, in his new position. However, those pursuits have turned to harassment. Such a no-no. What a schmuck. His schmuckish behavior is guaranteed to earn him a permanent disownment from our restaurant family.

Being told of this situation has caused a wealth of emotions to rise.  Disgust, disappointment, and my general indifference has given way to loathing. I also threw my hands in the air and wondered, “WHY AM I SUCH A SCHMUCK MAGNET???”  Especially considering I have a tendency to attract schmucks, I thought I had been doing a better job of weeding them out and yet another creeps through the cracks.

Its a damn good thing he dropped out of my life when he did because if I were still dating him, it wouldn’t be pretty AT ALL. As it is, I want to knock him out.

Anyway, I was lamenting my schmuck magnet status to Nate on the ride home and he was kind enough to tick off my ex-boyfriends, starting with his father, who Nate calls the Biggest Schmuck of Them All and worked his way past Ex-Drunk Boyfriend – who’s doing 70 years on a rape/attempted murder charge, then I brought up Lex, who Nate didn’t even know I was seeing, then or now, who really isn’t so much a schmuck as he is just … more strange than even I can tolerate, and a couple of other alcoholics that came and went as fast as they came.

Then Nate said, “Oh yeah, and Mike.”  Finally! Redemption! On a much grander scale than Lex. Whoo hoo!  Nate said, “Mike was cooool.” I agreed and added that our relationship didn’t end because he was a schmuck, it ended because we lived too far apart and, frankly, we just weren’t made for each other. Not that he isn’t a great guy, because he is, and probably THE greatest guy I’ve ever dated so far, but he just wasn’t the guy for me, nor was I the girl for him.  He married her last year.

I remember the first time I heard through the Blogger Gossip Network that he was dating his fair Adelphia and I went over to her blog. I knew within a minute of reading that she was The One. I sent him an e-mail and told him to just give it up and ask her to marry him because… SHE WAS THE ONE!  It made him pretty sour with me at the time. I understood why. You know, everything’s going great and you’re really into them but at the same time you’re afraid and you don’t want to get your hopes up.

And yes, I smiled with genuine warmth, and then grinned with a smug satisfaction when they announced their engagement that … I WAS RIGHT!  And, if you’re followers of their blogs, then you and I both know that these two people are right where they should be.

At one point, I had written about another of my ex’s, probably Lex, as he, like Mike, is the only one with redeeming qualities. Mike had mentioned that he wondered, eventually, how he would be remembered and he hoped I would be as kind to him as I was to Lex. I told him it quite possibly could take a while and it has.

Mike is the best reminder that there are still kind, caring, intelligent, passionate, witty guys out there. And also a good reminder that I haven’t just dated schmucks.

Mazel Tov!

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The Hunted Become the Hunters

July 2, 2009 at 11:52 am (Attitude in Overdrive, Crazy Shit, Nate)

That’s what Nate said last night as we chilled out in my car parked in front of my house on surveillance. It really wasn’t what I intended to do, it just sort of happened.

What started it all was that I had run out of cigarettes and Nate informed me that, yet again, he was hungry. I decided to combine a trip to the local convenience store with a trip to Mickey’s and then return so I could watch the end of “Blood Diamond.” That didn’t happen.

First thing was that I forgot my cellphone.  Regardless of whether I’m going down the street, or to downtown, I take my cellphone. This made me unhappy, but since the convenience store is one direction and Mickey’s the other direction, I figured I could stop by on my way to Mickey’s and pick it up.

I’ve been having that “feeling” and Nate has too, that we’re being, well, watched. Nate gets creeped out if the neighborhood dogs bark at a certain time of night and its hard not to be paranoid to some degree with everything that’s going on. However, you tend to tell yourself you’re just being paranoid and you continue to attempt to convince yourself that everything is okay.

Given that, I really wasn’t surprised that I caught Jeff cruising my neighborhood at 10:30 last night. I can’t say it didn’t scare the shit out of me, and I can’t say that I was in the least bit thrilled that what I thought was an irrational fear and a response to the situation, has now been verified as a reality.

Needless to say, I went home, got Nate, and we went to Mickey’s together.  We sat in the car upon our return home and just talked and watched. I told him that I was pretty certain that his father had seen me, and therefore had probably left the area.

And really, I thought I was just being paranoid and overly sensitive. Maybe I just wanted to convince myself of that and reach for that sense of peacefulness that I haven’t had in a while. It is out of reach.

So, do I continue to squirrel Nate and myself away in our house, afraid to go out for a pack of cigarettes after dark? Or do I hunt him as he hunts us?

What a sad, sick story this is.

I said, “Rabbit, rabbit,” yesterday and maybe it was good luck that my eyes have been fully opened. 

In other news, I have a mother Red-tail Hawk nesting in my Ash tree.  I saw her swoop in with a small rodent day before yesterday and heard the unmistakeable Red-Tail cry. Watch over us, Mama.

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