Argh!

June 24, 2010 at 12:46 pm (AZ, Empathy, Family, Music, My Travels, Nate, Relationships, T-Bird, Work, Writing)

So, as always when working on blog posts, I run into the problem of cats stepping on the computer and erasing everything I’ve written. Now that I’ve written it once, I don’t feel like writing it again. That Stream of Conscious has hit the River of Thought and is gone.

I was writing about my brother and my son. My relationship with my brother will never be what I want it to be because my brother doesn’t want a relationship with us. And, my son suffers from education depression and is unmotivated.  There isn’t anything I can do about the first, but the second I’m working on. I have a feeling his 504  next year will look very different than last years.

Nate has more motivation now, motivation to learn, but that doesn’t mean he’s excited about learning and learning to his potential. If that makes sense. I’ve been reading a book that my friend Vince recommended called, “The Mind of Boys,” and it has been very helpful. Although I wish I had discovered it a long time ago. It is also very helpful for someone who will be teaching boys.

Things are sort of… up in the air right now. Although I’ve had my issues at work, I do love my job. However, I also need to teach for my graduate degree and I’m attempting to get my feet under me to accomplish that. I need to make a decision but don’t feel I’m in the position to make it yet. Argh!

I haven’t mentioned AZ for a while. We see each other for lunch on occasion and he wrote one of my recommendations for graduate school. It made me teary-eyed. I think one of the most important things he put in there was how inspiring I was to him. I chose to believe him instead of  thinking he was bullshitting.  When I think back over the course of our very long relationship, I can see why he would write that and the small strides he is making toward being the person he wants to be instead of allowing himself to be tossed about by everyone elses currents.

T-Bird went back to school and she is searching for a job. Even in our job market, which has not taken the recession as hard as others, this is tough. People are so desperate for jobs that she is getting low-balled, even with the experience and job training that she has had. It’s scary.

Things on the relationship front have changed since my last post. I’m not sure how to characterize it. One of my guests that I’ve known since I started working there asked me out. We’ve always had a good relationship and I like him, plus he really is a good kisser. I’m not sure though, I think he’s a bit too… something.  Problem is, he’s such an open book and I’m so good at reading him empathically, I know what he wants and what he’s thinking before he does.

Therefore, I already knows where it’s going, which I’m okay with. I’ll figure out more when we go out Friday. I don’t see it having long-term potential, which I’m also okay with. Most of the time, even more often now, moreso than before, this is the kind of short-term ride I pass up but this time I’m just going to jump on.  It’s too intriguing not to.

I have a feeling that once he figures out I can’t be fooled, he may just move on. 

I also like the fact that I can feel again. For long I’ve been blocked. I still am but only to a degree, only to the degree that I chose to be. For too long I’ve viewed the world through dispassionate eyes because it was easier than feeling the pain.  The pain isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I suppose, thus far, I’ve lived through the worst of it. Losing my pets, AZ’s marriage,  the Court case with Jeff, all of which produced literal physical pain in addition to my emotional pain.

Now, I’m back to trouncing through it, roiling it up, and kicking its ass instead of fearing it.  One of my co-workers refers to me as Sarah Connor – not bad, not an ass, but badass.  I’m more Sarah Connor, flawed, human, and badass, and less like Wonder Woman. I like knowing I can be Sarah C0nnor and I don’t have to be Wonder Woman, although I do love the boots. But, combat boots will work too.

I need to go mow the grass before the storm hits.  I’ll leave you with some music and SURPRISE!  It is NOT Alice in Chains. One of my favorite lines from this song was what I posted on Facebook:  “Here we are buck naked, yeah, but where should we begin, when its not the flesh we’re after but the howling ghost within?”

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13 Comments

  1. AJ in Nashville said,

    Sheesh, I first went to your old Blogger site, then remembered you came over to the dark side!

    I love this Nannerbelle! Or should i start calling you Sarahbelle? Sarah Connor fits you to a freakin’ tee, cupcake. I love you for your raw, emotional toughness. I love you for the fact that you kick ass and take names when it comes to working out your own salvation, so to speak. I love that I can sit here and bang out this comment in less than three minutes, cuz that’s all the time I have at the moment (but I’ll be back).

    And I LOVE the fact that I can tell you there are typos in the second and third-to-the-last paragraphs of this post, and know you won’t be pissed at me! *LOL*

    Did I mention that I just love you, period?

    Well i do.

    Keep on bloggin’ dollface. We both need it.

    🙂

    • Cybele said,

      Um…AJ? I’m blogging, too! And mine are SHORT!!

      • AJ in Nashville said,

        Cybelle, can I just say something to you here while I’m thinking about it? I have have hardly EVER read your blog and I have no freaking idea why.

        I just commented at Vince’s place (and thanks for referring him to our little gathering too!) and I realized that there were a few folks I knew in Blogsville that ai really didn’t KNOW, y’know? I don’t recall you commenting a lot on my blog back in the day, and maybe that’s why; we tend to run with our commentors, don’t we?

        Same thing with Vince; seen his name a bunch, but had never been to his blog until today. But then again he never hung around mine either…

        Well I’ve decided that’s still no excuse, so I want to apologize to you (and I already have to him) for, if not ignoring you, then just not being proactive to build a relationship with you guys like I have with others like Nannerbelle here. But then again, she threatened to burn down my house if I ever ignored her again, so…

        Just kidding, PeachyKeen!

        Cy, I WILL be coming to your blog and reading those short posts, okay? And thank you so much for tracking ME down on FB, getting involved with the comments party, and subsequently exposing me to what an interesting and friendly person you are.

        🙂

        Sorry for hijacking this thread, Nanner, but I just had to get that off my chest.

    • blackpunkin said,

      Remember how I said Sarah Conner was flawed? So am I!!! Poor typing and all. I just love you too!

      • AJ in Nashville said,

        Yeah, but you’re the good kinda flawed. Don’t go changin… 😉

  2. Cybele said,

    Screw Twitter anyway. Blogging is still awesome. Wonder where Mike, Randi, TJ, Brighton, and Jay have gone.

    Thanks for not leaving me alone as the Last Blogger Standing. And congrats on going back to school. You RAWK.

  3. Vince said,

    Glad you’re enjoying the book. It’s on my summer reading list once I finish my class. We managed to get Christopher motivated to get good grades the final quarter of the year. Now we’ll see if he can sustain it. Finding the right motivator is the key.

    It’s good to see you back out here. So many bloggers have fallen by the wayside (probably including me). But Facebook and Twitter just ain’t the same.

  4. kenju said,

    Good luck on Friday, Nanner.

  5. blackpunkin said,

    Cybele, I went looking for Mike, Randi, and Brighton. Nobody is home. Hell, Brighton pulled her doublewide out and moved all together. Haven’t heard from Jay forever. Just us old timers now.

    Vince, I’m working on it, little by little, day by day.

    Kenju, thanks doll. *Shrug* We’ll see.

  6. Cybele said,

    Hey, what about Se7en? He might like to know about the virtual reunion!

  7. AJ in Nashville said,

    Oh and one more thing Cybele…sorry for adding the extra ‘L’ in your name. I am SUCH a tard.

  8. restless angel said,

    Love the Sarah Conner, and it is SO you, for as long as I’ve known you!! I really can’t believe I’ve been involved in Ye Ole’ World of Blogville for over 6 years, even though now I am merely an observer/commenter. I wish I could remember who’s blog I read first and how it rolled along into meeting the rest of you’ze guys. AJ has made me rather nostalgic these last few days!! I remember, I mostly found everyone by their comments on whoever’s blog I happened to be reading at the time.

    So, any-who, have a wonderful weekend, and add me on FB!! LOL

    Luvz ya, Nanner!!!

  9. restless angel said,

    BTW… I wish I didn’t have dial-up, cuz we have similar music taste, and I’m super-certain I would love it!!

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