I’m Pretty Tired…

September 19, 2009 at 11:35 pm (Nate, Relationships)

think I’ll stop running now. Ahhh, classic Forrest Gump.

I’m am actually very tired. I’ve had a cold, then I started my period. Sorry guys, but, its the truth. I had to put a heatwrap around my lower innards. This made me sweat all night and continually turn the thermostat down until everyone but me went into hibernation.

I’m still running around bumping into walls and such, waiting for the final order from the Court. I’ve had to remind myself to breath several times. I still look over my shoulder. I try to concentrate on just being a good mom and loving Nate, and holding his feet to the fire over his grades… already.

I feel the weight of the summer, Court, the fighting and the unknown so heavy on my shoulders tonight and I wonder what kind of weight he feels. I wonder where his mind wanders and what his dreams are like. His sister has been spending time here and they walk the streets at night, taking pictures of interesting things and each other. He talks to her. They share something even I don’t understand, just like her mom and I share something they don’t understand.

I try to concentrate on the good, my beading, Adonis and the opportunity to see him again, what I will wear to my class reunion, the classes Nate isn’t failing, the freedom. Okay, I’m trying to get used to the freedom. I’m still pissed the fuck off that that fucking moron isn’t taking any fucking responsibility for what he’s done.  At least I’m willing to stand up and say I should have done this so long ago.

I’m a different person today. A different person than I was yesterday. Many yesterdays ago, I wouldn’t have contemplated making a play for the man of my dreams because I didn’t believe he existed for me. I knew he existed, I just didn’t realize I could have him. So, he’s 12 or 13 years younger than I am. 

I remember very well the first time I looked into his eyes, when I saw nothing but blue looking back. The rush of attraction, the magnetism, that feeling. The excitement but also the comfort, so geniune in his response, and how he talked to me with his eyes.

I hope I’m not misreading him and I hope he doesn’t mind that I’m almost 39.

I would really love to have him in my life.

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5 Comments

  1. Jammie J. said,

    Oh, the heat wrap… yes, I pretty much live with mine on. In fact, it’s on right now. I don’t understand why being a woman is so hard sometimes. Just trying to understand that makes *me* tired.

    Sounds like you’re counting your blessings, focusing on the good. One should always keep the “good” list handy.

    Re: your new fellow, maybe just take it slow. Magnetic attraction is a good start, but it pays to get to know a man’s heart before you get to know his heat.

    (hugs).

  2. Vince said,

    You’re only 39? You’re still a pup.

    No apologies on that time of the month. I’m used to it after all these years. You do what you gotta do to be comfortable.

    Good luck with Adonis!

  3. kenju said,

    Heat wraps are great, aren’t they? There are times when I couldn’t get out of bed if I didn’t have one, let alone work.

    You absolutely did do the right thing. He may never realize how wrong he has been. Is his sister smart? maybe she will tell him the truth.

    If Adonis is meant to be in your life, it will happen.

  4. daydreambetty said,

    I would really love to have him in your life too, Nanner, cause you certainly deserve it! And I’m shocked by Jeff’s letter too…unbelievable that guy!!

  5. Brighton said,

    You deserve nothing but pure happiness. (minus the heat wrap/cramps)

    Just do your thing- the rest will take care of itself.

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