Stunned

September 17, 2009 at 10:17 pm (Crazy Shit, dreams, Faith, Family, Nate, Relationships)

Yesterday, I received a call from my attorney’s paralegal. She said they had received a letter from Jeff’s attorney stating that Jeff did not believe that he or Nate was being treated fairly by the Court, that he loved his son, but, he would be withdrawing his objection to the petition and hoped that when Nate was older that he could explain his side of things and the two could have a relationship.

That was Jeff-speak for, “I’m a drunk, I don’t want help, I don’t want counseling, I’m not changing, I’m not trying, I haven’t gotten my way, so I’m taking my booze and I’m going home. This all someone else’s fault, but not mine. Nope, I’m the victim.”

Stunned, shocked, angry, relieved, sad, disgusted, angry, amazed, angry, very angry, stunned… just a few of the emotions I experienced. And the tears. I had forgotten that I still had it in me to cry. But I did, and I cried today too.

After all I’ve been through, after all I’ve studied, after all the counseling… how could I have forgotten how strong addiction is and how absolutely delusional it makes someone. How could I have forgotten the blaming behavior and zero accountability and zero responsibility for his actions.

I know I did the right thing. It is just the saddest thing for a man, for anyone, to choose a bottle (a syringe, a toke, a smoke, a gamble, pick your poison) over their family. And, this isn’t the first time, but for us, its the last.

Last night, I had a dream I was in a hospital and I had a black eye. The black eye is the pain, the hospital is the need to heal.

Yesterday, I was driving Nate to school and a doe ran in front of my car. I had seen her coming from the side so I had already slowed to stop.  It wasn’t until later that I really understood. My grandmother sends the doe as a sign to me, and the symbol of the deer is that of gentleness, unconditional love, and kindness.  Its comforting.

Yesterday, I got a hug from my Greek Adonis, conversation, and he asked me to make him beaded cufflinks. I was trying to explain about looming and he was rather confused. He said, “I’m going to Google that so that next time I can discuss it with some intelligence.” I like the idea of having a “next time.”  He is so humble, gentle, kind, intelligent, genuine, classy, he’s fucking Prince Charming. He should be in a damn Disney movie!  He looks like he should be in a damn Disney movie.

The spirits show themselves and they nudge a little. And *deep breath* *exhale* I’m ready for that.  I’m ready for change for the better.

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6 Comments

  1. kenju said,

    I do think the doe was a good sign. We have so many of them in our neighborhood that I’m beginning to wonder if it works for me, since they jump out in front of me all the time.

    Nate will need a way to talk it out, I suspect, but maybe not for a while. He’s bound to feel somewhat “abandoned” by Jeff. I know that feeling and with me it persists even now (at my advanced age). I hope that Nate’s knowledge of alcohol and the part it plays in his father’s life will keep him from getting a similar addiction. Lessons learned the hard way!

    The Greek Adonis sounds promising if he is willing to learn about an interest of yours so he can discuss it. Few men would, unless it involved a sport….LOL

  2. Zelda said,

    Obviously, the best thing would be for Jeff to get a handle on his addiction. The second best would be for him to acknowledge that he’s an alcoholic and get help. But this, while not completely satisfying, is okay. He’s not going to get help, but you had everything lined up through the courts to deal with it and do the right thing for Nate. You did really well and I’m intensely proud of you. I hope you will now have some peace. Deer always make me feel peaceful.

  3. Jammie J. said,

    Wow… now let’s hope he quits stalking you, right?

  4. Vince said,

    Regardless of what it’s Jeff-speak for, my only thought is – Good. As has been said previously, paternity does not a father make. Jeff has just been a man in your lives. Best he’s not in it because he’s not contributing. Sad, yes. Pray for the man, yes. Forgive if he’s truly repentant, yes. Have a relationship with, no. You guys are far better off without him.

    Good luck with everything from here on out. I hope and pray it truly is the beginning of a new wonderful chapter in you and Nate’s lives.

  5. Brighton said,

    I just hope the stalking stops. He may never come around- chances are very good that he will never own up to anything he’s done.
    Nate will have to deal with the aftermath in his own way. That may require a great deal of counseling, but having you for a mom he will do just fine.
    Love you, girl.

  6. noonie said,

    I just wish we could move the pair of you to somewhere where he can’t find you.

    Then you could get on with your lives…. I’m glad that you and Nate are doing okay, hang in there.

    And Adonis sounds nice, could you send one this way… hubby is driving me spare.

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