Insomnia… Sort Of

August 14, 2009 at 3:45 am (Crazy Shit, Family, Music, Relationships)

Lex is leaving for college tomorrow. He came over tonight to tell me good-bye and rub my bum shoulder that I hurt while raking the lawn in preparation for mowing.  Then he decided to rub some other things and … well, that worked out okay.

I wish I could say that I’m going to miss him.

One of my therapists was digging around in my past the other day and said, “You’re angry, why are you not talking about your anger?”

I said, “I am angry! I know I’m angry.”

“Then why are you not talking about it?”

“I am talking about it, I just told you I was angry. I’m not sure what you want. Do you want me to tell you that my mother is a fucking bitch, because I can do that ALL DAY.”

That must have been what she wanted because she let me rant and rave for a bit. I’m not much happier with my dad for not opening his mouth and saying something all those years. Matter of fact, I may be more mad about that. I can remember my mom being mad because supposedly my dad took up for me in private. Whatever. It didn’t help anything then, and it doesn’t help anything now.

I’m not exactly sure where I found all of the strength I have, it certainly wasn’t from either of my parents.

I only saw my dad tell my mom to shut up one time. It wasn’t about me, it was about something else, but in my opinion, he should have told a bit more, instead of sitting around with his arms crossed, absorbed in the TV so he didn’t have to deal with her. No, he left that to me. Thanks Dad, thanks a whole hell of a lot.

I think one reason that I am so strong, or at least appear to be is that my mother was such a whiner. Just a whining pathetic bag of emotional tangles and depression and not much has changed. The combination of never wanting to be like that, and the stiff upper lip I developed from her emotional abuse and abandonment and my father’s literal abandonment, by staying away a lot of the time, just conditioned me to not be, what I perceived, a whining pathetic sot.

I conditioned myself to roll through life, taking the punches, left and right, and getting up, dusting myself off, and moving on. Really though, I was just shoving a bunch of shit down inside of me and now I’m spinning my wheels.

What’s really frustrating is listening to my mother yak on about Dr. Ph*l and Opr*h as though they are the end all and be all of how to better yourself. WHATEVER WOMAN! She talks about all of the people she sees on Dr. Ph*l but never has the self-awareness to realize HOW MUCH LIKE THEM SHE IS!

And my dad, Jesus H. Christ, I don’t think the man has contemplated an emotion for several years.  I’m one of those people, you know, the ones who are certain they were adopted but were never told. I always thought my dad was an intelligent man, but has he ages, he shows just how ignorant and close minded he is.



Anyway, I want to learn how to play the fiddle. And I want to go back to dance class. And, instead of one story, I’m submitting several to my local paper’s “Write Your Own Column” section.

So, that’s how I feel in these early morning hours.


  1. Zelda said,

    Oh can I play amateur psychiatrist for two seconds? It’s more fun than indulging in the self-pity I’m about to wallow in.

    What if your psychiatrist is trying to get you to say that you seek out people whom you think will not put you in a relationship like your parents? But what if it doesn’t matter who you choose? You’re not like your mom, so maybe it doesn’t matter what type of person you pick as long as neither of you are assholes?

    I’m probably jumping way ahead, but most likely I’m totally full of shit. 🙂

  2. Vince said,

    Whether we like it or not, our parents shape who we are. Much of who I am revolves around my utter distaste for my dad’s “do what I say, not what I do” attitude. Unfortunately, much as you like to break away, some things are very hard. I probably yell at my kids too much over dumb stuff since that’s the example I got as a kid. You try to break the cycle, but sometimes it’s hard.

    Definately do the things you’ve always wanted to do. Life’s too short not to have fun.

  3. Jammie J. said,

    Interesting that you’re more angry at your dad and almost seem accepting that your mom is who she is, although you don’t like it, you don’t really seem to think she can change. It’s like your expectations of your dad were higher because he didn’t say much one way or the other.

    I haven’t any theories and maybe I just totally misinterpreted what you wrote, but I just thought it was interesting. I’m glad to see you’re still whittling away at things with your therapist. I know it’s not easy, but it sounds like it’s worthwhile.


  4. kenju said,

    I realized a few years ago that I was angry with my dad for not standing up to my mom. But he’s gone now, so it doesn’t do me any good to worry about it. My mom and yours must have been a lot alike.

  5. blackpunkin said,

    Zelda, I realized a long time ago that the men I had been choosing were just like my mother, but then realized I also didn’t want one like my dad. LOL!

    Vince, it is hard, but we just gotta keep trying!

    Jammie, I think the difference shows in that I’ve worked through more of how I feel about my mom but realized later that I did have anger at my dad. At first, I felt more a kinship with him that we were both “victims” but then I realized, “Hey! My dad was a parent and an adult, too! He should have been there for me!” So, its a much younger anger.

    Kenju, yeah, and I’m slowly on my way to accepting the way things have been and just finding my voice to stand up for how I feel.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: