July 28, 2009 at 2:58 pm (AZ, Cats, Relationships)

Not talk about my feelings? That’s what my psychiatrist pointed out to me today. Although I am willing to discuss incidences that hurt me, I often focus on the “abuser” versus dealing with how I actually feel about it.


This is a coping mechanism, similar to the numb feeling I’ve experienced for a quite a while now. Its “autopilot.”  She stated that we often start this in childhood to deal with trauma. Dealing with our feelings becomes too painful, so we focus on anything other than our feelings.

T-Bird and I had a “feeling” session one day, purely by accident. She has an AZ in her life and she’s been in a quandry as how to proceed or not to proceed in dealing with his on again, off again bullshit.  She asked me how I dealt with not seeing AZ and not talking to him.

I pretty well broke down and admitted how much I really miss having him in my life. My feelings for him aside, he was really the one person I could talk to about my other feelings and not hide them. That is the main reason that I miss him so very much. Writing to him and talking to him was therapeutic. I miss him everyday. Every fucking day. At times like this, even more so.

The pain our relationship has caused me clashes with the intensity with which I miss him. I am disappointed in myself for allowing things to continue for so long without answers. I am hurt that he would also allow things to continue for so long, and either be oblivious to, or uncaring of my love for him.

But, I still miss him. I miss him everyday.

In happier news, Nate fished The One Kitten (now named Wilbur) out from inside the couch and when he handed him to me, SURPRISE!  Wilbur looked at me, WITH HIS EYES OPEN!  He’s so sweet!


  1. Vince said,

    What to say? That’s a tough situation to be in with no good answers.

    Glad the kitten is doing so well!

  2. Seamus said,

    Guess we all cope in some fashion or other.

    That is such a sticky place to be in re: AZ.

    So … pics of Wilbur? 🙂

  3. kenju said,

    Wilbur????? Does he have horse teeth?

  4. Boo said,

    Wow…that is exactly how I feel about Earl. I haven’t spoken to him in almost 2 months and while it is better it’s not easy. I don’t miss him every day anymore but I do have waves of missing him. But I have bigger waves of disappointment and hurt with him. Time to move on.

  5. Beth said,

    Boy do I feel your pain about AZ. Sorry, but that’s all I can get into.

    It’ll get easier though, someone promised me that it would and for some reason I believe him.

  6. Brighton said,

    I think we all have an AZ in our lives at some point. I had one- funny thing is now that Travis and I have been together for 10 years I cannot really remember what was so special about my AZ. Time heals : )


  7. Tammie said,

    I don’t know what to say.
    I want to say something to make you feel better, but I know that will only come in time.

    I’m glad to hear about Wilbur. I bet he’s adorable!

  8. Jammie J. said,

    Here’s the thing, love, we all have ways and methods of coping with the stuff in our lives that are just too overwhelming. Unfortunately, since we started implementing them as children, and likely in response to something that shouldn’t have happened, they’re probably not the most healthy coping mechanisms.

    So now as adults we have to become aware of them and replace them with a better, more healthy option. I know you deeply care about AZ, but from all that you’ve written, he is not healthy for you. Yes, he made you feel better for a time, but at what cost over the long term? And, more importantly, was/is that cost worth it?

    The reason they say that time fixes things is because healing is a process. You know this, I know you do, like a skinned knee, it takes time for the scab to form. Then you bump it again and the scab comes off and you have to start again, except at the edges there’s fresh pink skin. So there’s not as much to heal… repeat.

    So, yeah, give yourself time. Be aware that the scab is going to get ripped off, but accept that it’s going to be a process, that it’s going to hurt and that it’s going to come in waves and there will be times when you wish you could just throw it all to the wind and go back to the way it was.


  9. blackpunkin said,

    Thanks. Good to know you’re all pulling for me.

  10. Lorinda Venkus said,

    Thanks for taking the time to talk about this, I feel fervently about this and I take pleasure in learning about this topic. Please, as you gain information, please update this blog with more information. I have found it very useful. finally, you should always talk to your doctor.

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