Thursdays

June 6, 2009 at 9:47 am (AZ, Black Stone Cherry, Chico, Memories, Nate, Relationships, The House, Work, Writing)

Are when Nate and I see our respective counselors. I like both of our counselors.  They’ve given me a lot of insight and hope into our situation but that doesn’t mean its fun getting there. It never is.

Nate is very open to counseling but the things they have coaxed out of him so far are disheartening. Disheartening for a parent who cannot see into the mind of their 12 year old and find all of the feelings they have stuffed down inside of it and the realization that we have so far to go.

Having been through counseling before, and being in counseling now, I know how much it hurts to dig shit up, to face it, and to deal with it appropriately. My heart aches for my son.

Nate and I both learned, over a period of time, not to express any emotion in front of Jeff. To do so, opened us both up to ridicule. Nate maintains that facade and he maintains that facade emotionally as well. He doesn’t talk about his father but I know he’s still there, in the back of his mind.

While Nate can maintain that facade while he is awake, he cannot when he sleeps.  Although his father’s name was not mentioned, I could tell the counseling started roiling the bottom of Nate’s pond. It wasn’t unusual for Nate to talk in his sleep and wet the bed after an episode with his father.

Thursday night, after he went to bed, right about the time he hit REM, I could hear him start chattering. I’ve heard him say “no” and “quit” and “stop” but for the most part, its mumbling. I had a very hard time getting to sleep myself, as my mind just refuses to shut up, hence the doctor’s appointment on the 16th. Somewhere around 3 a.m. I was jolted awake by Nate yelling and as the fog in my mind cleared, I heard him mumbling again.

A short time later, Chico woke me with his whine/bark asking to be let into my bed. As I reached over the side of my bed, I heard Nate say, “Don’t pick him up, ” from the bathroom across from my bedroom. I did anyway and Nate asked where some clean underwear were and I heard him rummaging around in the dark, then he entered my room, I thought to retrieve Chico, but he laid down at the foot of my bed and went to sleep.

I had a dream later that morning about Jeff calling. I heard his ringtone and actually answered the phone. The conversation was benign, almost surreal. I don’t remember much of it, but remembered thinking in the dream that he didn’t ask about Nate. Not surprising, the interpretation for talking on a phone in a dream is that you need to confront issues you are trying to avoid, and to speak to someone you know, means that you need to confront that person.

I figured that out as soon as I woke up. Didn’t really need an interpretation.

I talked to my counselor about the other events in my life, separate from Jeff, that I’ve had to deal with, especially in the last two and a half years, starting with Kevin’s suicide in November of 2006, AZ’s engagement in December and, of course, the housefire. She asked, “How did you put one foot in front of the other?”

I answered, “Nate… and… that’s just how I am.”  At least, that’s what I choked out between sobs.

She gave me, ha ha, writing assignments to be completed as we move through the process. She said, of course, that blogging and journaling is an excellent way to express my feelings. I had read on one of the news services that therapists were assigning patients to start blogs. Oh boy, I can’t wait!  (Laugh, that was supposed to be funny.)

That reminds me of David Bowie (Jareth) from the movie, Labyrinth. If you haven’t seen it, he would say something mean around the little trolls and then he would say, “Well, laugh.” Then they would all laugh with him.

Nate’s grades, really not a laughing matter. He’ll either fail the 7th grade, or he may have to attend summer school. I’m prepared for either. His counselor has some theories about his poor school performance and what we can do about that. When I picked  him up from school on Thursday, they were in the middle of their awards assembly.

When he came out I lightly asked him if he had gotten an award for the most days spent in lunch detention. He smiled and then I said I was sorry and he said, “No, that was actually pretty funny, M.”  He said a little later, “I would like to get an award.” We talked about goals and that this year is over and there isn’t anything he can do about it now, so, he needs to look towards next year and about what he can do to achieve his goal of getting an award, for something, and not the most days spent in lunch detention.

I mentioned, as I have before, The Golden Horseshoe Test, which is given each year to WV 8th grade students to test their knowledge of WV History and I told him that he would be reading “Rocket Boys/October Sky” in conjunction with WV Studies. I told him I make sure we made it down to the October Sky Festival and help him study for the test.

Then I said, let’s just get through the next couple of days…

The weather is also no laughing matter. Its 58 degrees outside and I have my furnace on. ITS JUNE 6TH FOR FUCK’S SAKE!!! Oh, its Troy’s birthday. Happy Birthday Troy!!! Its also Chris Robertson’s birthday (from Black Stone Cherry). Happy Birthday Chris!!!

I’m not working today, but I’m still working. I’m catering a tea party for 10 five year olds and their mothers. Yes, I know, its five year olds, ten of them, and their mothers, but I need the money and its only three hours… I look to the fact that I found a BEAUTIFUL dress at a local department store that fits not only waist but my bosoms as well. This, this an anamoly and I have to capitalize on that.

So is my life today.

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8 Comments

  1. Jammie J. said,

    When you take your therapy seriously, it is one of the hardest and most draining things you can go through. As you well know.

    It’s amazing how much shit a person can stamp down and put under the emotional rug.

    What has the therapist recommended for Nate to do as he works through stuff (me being nosy…), you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. Just curious, is all.

    I’m glad Nate saw the humor in what you said, but more than that, I’m glad it opened the door to a conversation about goals and his future. That he’s looking forward, with your guidance, is a good sign. He trusts you.

    Five year olds need parties, too. Plus, a bunch of little ones (if well behaved) can be the best thing for a hurting soul. 🙂

    Love to you today.

  2. Evil Twin's Wife said,

    Enjoy the tea party. It sounds cute! I want to see your dress. Too bad it’s too cold to sit in the hammock and drink wine. 🙂

  3. kenju said,

    My heart hurts for Nate and all he has gone through, but with you as his Mom, he will turn out okay. I know it.

  4. Seamus said,

    The therapy must be an exhausting process, but I think in the long run it will be a very good thing.

    There is certainly hope in Nate’s acknowledgment of your detention joke.

  5. tricia said,

    Oh girl. As if y’all haven’t been banged around enough by all that Jeff brings. I know that delving in and stirring it up is a part of healing…I have yet to do a lot of that myself. I love how the therapist asked you how you got through it all. I think the answer you gave is one that most of us would give…you just “do”. Looking back we don’t know how, we just know that we do what we have to do for our kids.
    You are such an amazing person, and a wonderful mom.

  6. cybele said,

    Here’s hoping this brings both of you a bit of peace. Hug each other from us.

    (Photos of the gown when you get it!)

  7. Vince said,

    No boy that age should have to go through that crap. Nor should you. I’ll be praying that you guys find some peace. Hopefully the counselling will do you both a world of good.

  8. noonie said,

    waves and hopes you’re surviving the summer vacation

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