Inspiring?

April 12, 2009 at 12:49 am (Crazy Shit, Nate)

I received a rather nice e-mail from a lady only identified as “Sandy G.” Appears as though Sandy landed at Anything Goes from another blogroll and has since decided to read my archives and reached that point where I started password protecting some of my posts and e-mailed me for the password.

She said she found me honest and inspiring. The honest part I get. The inspring part had me scratching my head. I responded by saying that if you find me honestly saying, “I fucked up! Here’s how I going to fix it!” then hey, yeah, I’m inspiring! 

So, let’s be honest, I fucked up. I fucked up in a big way. I should have stopped Nate from seeing his father a long time ago. I’m a fairly intelligent person. I’ve been writing this blog for almost 5 years now. Anyone with two eyes and knack for reading comprehension can tell you… we’ve been in a cycle for all of those almost five years, until recently.

Actually, that cycle goes back even further, just not as bad. When the psychologists tell you that abuse gets worse, not better, with time, believe them. They really are telling you the truth.

When you find yourself recognizing the cycle of abuse – (tension/build up – abuse – honeymoon/calm) – it really is happening to you.

When they say the cycle becomes shorter in duration, its the truth.

When an abuser says they’re sorry and it will never happen again. It will happen again. I guarantee you, it will happen again.

It will happen to you.

It will happen to your children.

It will happen. Period.

And I know, that honeymoon period, its so seductive, so very seductive and hopeful, because you really believe THIS time, it won’t happen again.

And the abuser doesn’t just hurt your children, you hurt your children too.

I hurt Nate by allowing this to go on. Regardless of the steps that I have taken over the last two years, maybe before then, I still allowed him to be hurt. There’s not an excuse under the sun for that.  

So, I stopped talking to Jeff when he was drunk. So, he stopped seeing Nate when he was drunk. So what? Did that really change who he was when he was sober? No.

And as Nate and his sister have both taught me:  The good parts, the good memories, they don’t make up for all of the shit. Nothing makes up for the shit. Nothing. It poisons them. Period. And they loose their faith in you to protect them. And they loose faith in themselves.

So, that’s where I’m at. I have a brilliant child who is failing school, has no self-confidence, no self-esteem, can’t or won’t trust himself to make friends in school, won’t join the basketball team, won’t join his classmates on field trips, and enjoys lunch detention so he doesn’t have to deal with being social with his classmates.

And, not to knock Sandy, but I don’t find that very inspiring. I find that pretty fucking sad. Jeff didn’t get us where we are today. I did.

So what if he went to AA?  He quit.

So what if he has psychological problems and he’s on medication and he’s supposedly going to counseling?  So fucking what? Its obviously NOT WORKING!

So fucking what about HIM? This isn’t about HIM and HIS school and HIS plans and HIS issues, its about NATE, NATE, NATE, NATE!!!

He always hated that. He wanted all of the attention. He didn’t want to have to share any attention with his children. I can’t tell you the last time he called Nate’s cellphone to talk to Nate about Nate. He called MY cellphone, asked about Nate, then talked about himself for the next 20-25 minutes. Narcissistic fuck.

Well, that means I’ve got a lot of work ahead of me. Obviously the discipline I’ve been doling out hasn’t been working so I’m going to have to change horses mid-stream. I have a lot of work to do with my son. I’ll let you know how that works out.

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11 Comments

  1. Jammie J. said,

    Hey, hey, girl. News flash. You’re human. You make mistakes. But you did the best you could with what you knew at the time. You’re still learning, hell, we’re all still learning our way through life.

    I think you’re inspiring, too. Bet you didn’t know that, did you?

    You know why? Because you don’t quit. How many other people in your position would quit? Just give up and be done with it. Be a victim or a martyr. Even when your house burned down and you lost your babies, you didn’t quit. You came back up fighting and you moved forward the best you could.

    Same with Jeff. Same with Nate. Same with your job. Same with everything in your life. So many people don’t have the ability to deal with the things you deal with on a daily basis and maintain your sanity (such as it is…). I mean that.

    Honey, you ARE an inspiration. Don’t ever undermine yourself just because you made some mistakes.

  2. Evil Twin's Wife said,

    You wanted your son to have a relationship with his father. No one can fault you for that. And, I can totally see where one might be lulled into believing “it won’t happen again” for the sake of their child (wanting so badly for their child to know and have a bond with their dad). All we’ve ever heard is that the child who is raised with a father or father figure in their life fares better than a child raised by a single parent. Unfortunately, Jeff is a toxic parent and it’s better for everyone involved if he is left out of the equation. And, I agree wholeheartedly with Jammie J above.

  3. tinyhands said,

    Jeanette +1

    At the very least you’ve got a group of people who love you and are constantly rooting for you. Happy Oyster!

  4. blackpunkin said,

    Jeanette, I guess we don’t really ever see ourselves through other’s eyes. I do keep going and some days are harder than others. And in conjunction with what ETW said, I did want Nate to have a relationship with his father. I did want him to have that bond and I’ve worked toward that for a very long time, but the other half of the equation didn’t really want that, or at least, isn’t willing to do what it takes to have that.

    That doesn’t mean that I don’t wish I hadn’t taken the steps sooner. I was in a losing game, knew I was in a losing game, and still played the game. I mean, I can only ask myself why. The only answer I have is eternal hope that things would change knowing all along they wouldn’t change. You can’t change someone, you can only hope they will change themselves. In the meantime, you have to do what you have to do.

    The very best I can do now is work with Nate, and I’ve got so many great ideas from so many great people, and, as NotSoTinyHands said, I do have so many people who love us and are rooting us on. And I appreicate you!

  5. kenju said,

    “He called MY cellphone, asked about Nate, then talked about himself for the next 20-25 minutes. Narcissistic fuck.”

    That IS just like my daughter’s ex. He has only seen the children twice in 5 years and he never asks to speak to them when he calls her to talk about himself. Bastards all.

    You’ll work it out, Nanner, I know you will. You’re smart.

  6. Vince said,

    Yup, you’re honest. And adult enough to recognize when there’s a problem. And then doing something about it. I find that, at least, inspiring. Not many people have that kind of guts.

    Another thing you do is make me think. Because I see some of that cycle in myself, unfortunately. Not anywhere near the level of Jeff, but I keep trying to change some things, and it goes good for a while, then it seems to go back to where it all started. And breaking out of it is a motherfucking bitch.

    But you keep trying. I sent you a long ass email. Hope it helps. Take care of yourself and your boy.

  7. Tina said,

    Dude, you have been an inspiration to me for 25 years. You are the most rockin’ person I have ever known. 🙂

  8. Seamus said,

    I hafta agree with Jeanette. Just keep moving forward a step at a time.

  9. Zelda said,

    You always inspire me, Nanner, because in an age where so many people want things handed to them because they’ve been dealt a shitty hand, you set your jaw and work harder. Jeanette and ETW got it exactly right. Your son may not have had the best father in the world, but he has a fucking fantastic mom. And that’s nothing to wail over.

  10. r.a. said,

    Nanner, gotta agree with what has been said by the others.

  11. SagaciousHillbilly said,

    GOOD! You’ve finally recognized that the only thing you have the slightest possibility of changing in this situation is YOU.

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