I’m In the Handbasket

March 4, 2009 at 1:24 am (Attitude in Overdrive, Crazy Shit, Work)

Today is one of those days that will solidify my departure to the Christian Hell in a Handbasket.

First, I got pissy with one of my co-workers. This is nothing new except I almost body-checked her for entering into my space. I normally don’t say anything but she’s the type that will try to cut your tip-out. I can see if she was having to wait eons for her drinks, but the ticket had just rang through and I was working on it. Plus, I still have drinks that I need to learn how to make, and like I said, I WAS FUCKING WORKING ON IT!!! Now, I still haven’t learned how to make the damn drink.

Its a long fucking story and has a lot of history to it, but let’s just say, if she’s not afraid to step on my toes, then I’m not afraid to step on her’s. As a matter of fact, its about damn time somebody did.

Second, I got pretty pissed at my boyfriend. Yes, I was SUPPOSED to get off at 8, guess what? Didn’t get off until 10 after 9, which, hello, he always knows is a possibility. At 7 til 9 he calls and leaves a message on my cellphone that he’s going home, blah, blah, blah. Well, I had looked forward to seeing him all day and we had made plans to get together after I had gotten off work.

Now, it may seem a bit unreasonable but if you can imagine the number of times I’ve waited up for him or that he’s come to my house after 11 or midnight or at 1 o’clock in the morning because of HIS job, then you can see why I would be a little irritated that 9 o’clock seemed unreasonable to him. It was very disappointing. Very.

Now, this probably wouldn’t be so bad if I could have just gone to HIS house, but he doesn’t have one because he has still not gotten his own place! Very irritated with that right now! I get the whole divorce thing and the temporary move back to your parents’ house, blah, blah, but give it rest. I WOULD RATHER LIVE IN MY CAR THAN LIVE WITH MY PARENTS EVER AGAIN! Matter of fact, I’m so far in the handbasket, MY PARENTS WOULD RATHER I LIVE IN MY CAR THAN TO EVER LIVE WITH THEM AGAIN!

Plus, its been over a year. Move it!

Thirdly, I’m sitting at my favorite greasy spoon, which Jace is none too fond of, and since he ditched me, I figured this was a good time to indugle in waitresses that call you “sweety” and “honey” and “darlin'” and eat eggs and toast for dinner, when I notice a couple sitting across from me. They were both rather obese and I found myself wondering how they managed sex.

I felt kind of mean for even wondering because, ya know, its really none of my business. I’ve slept with guys who had serious cases of “dick-do” (where his belly hang out more than his dick do), but, being what some folks consider a skinny chick (which I’m not skinny, or even slender, just that I can see my feet when I look down) I found it an easy maneuver to have sex. And I’ve seen how overweight, but not obese dudes, have sex with obese chicks (this handbasket is getting deeper and deeper).

However, none of that experience explains how to two very obese people get their groove on. I have all of these different positions flashing through my mind’s eye and I’m manipulating them and their fat and possible penis length scenarios. I didn’t find it amusing or disgusting, but was just wondering.

Lastly, I laughed out loud when Rosie (my new gay co-worker), said that he was an atheist (right after finding out I was Pagan (handbasket getting deeper yet again)) but how he respected Mother Nature and the “force that holds the Universe together.” Dude, that’s what the Christians call “God.” Wait, that’s not what I told him, I thought I’d leave that discussion for another day. But he went on about how he laughed when the Christians say there’s a deep room in Hell reserved for homosexuals and their all going to burn for a very long time (Welcome to the Handbasket, now move outta my space!).

He said, “What? All of the homosexuals now, forever, and through ancient times in one room for eternity? SIGN ME UP, GIRLFRIEND!” I laughed my ass off. He’s so gay, it makes my teeth hurt and my eyeballs wrinkle. He’s Broadway Musical Gay, whereas Slim is Wiseass Fingersnapping Gay, Slender is just Slender, and the gay guy in the kitchen, he’s just ANNOYING, gay or straight, he’s ANNOYING AS FUCK! He’s the White Rabbit, “I’m late, I’m late, I’m late.” Except he says, “I’m behind, I’m really behind.” Wait, gay, behind… never mind, this handbasket is deep enough.

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6 Comments

  1. Mahala said,

    Don’t let it keep you up at night. We manage, but we do appreciate your concern. :o)

  2. eviltwinswife said,

    I’ve often wondered the same thing about two really big people and ROFL at your co-workers comment about hell.

  3. kenju said,

    LOL, just LOL!

    (and you are slender!)

  4. Tina said,

    Dude, you are nowhere NEAR fat. You are a hottie!

    Not all of us Christians are assholes. Well, most of them are hypocritical, judgemental dickheads but there are a few of us who are actually real and in touch with reality. In other words there are a few of us who don’t abuse it.

    As far as obese people getting it on, I wonder the same thing as well. Hell, my bf is obese, but we manage. 😉 I am not complaining. 😉

    You ROCK dude! I love the honesty! You don’t need a handbasket.

  5. blackpunkin said,

    Mahala, it was the coffee that kept me up all night and honestly, I was just wondering because I’ve been with men who are obese but I’ve never been obese so I don’t know what that’s like. That’s all.

    ETW, yes, but you like little people so I should have known your thoughts had strayed in the same direction as mine.

    Kenju, I don’t really see myself as slender, more as average, although I’m not sure what that is.

    Dude, I’m honest if nothing else.

  6. Beth said,

    Dick do? Shouldn’t that be dick does, or am I being a complete nerd? 🙂

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