Last week, Jon Stewart of The Daily Show had a piece about how to tell whether or not you’re a Real American. I thought it would be great fun to determine whether or not I was a real American.
First, you take the population of your town (11,028) and multiply it by the cost of an average cup of coffee ($1.29), you then add the number of art house movie theaters (0) and then multiply by the number of streets named after Martin Luther King, Jr. (0). This is the numerator (or the number on the top), which for me was 13,895.28.
Then you take the number of IDs you need to purchase a bottle of Sudafed (2) and multiple that by the number of people who wear trucker hats (3661) minus the number of actual truckers (407)* and then multiple that by one over the number of houses of worship (10) minus the number of bars (7). This is the denominator ( or the number on the bottom), which for me was 2438.226.
The resulting number, if less than 10, means you’re a real American. I’m happy to report that I am, indeed, a real American. My number was 5.69.
I’m going to show you how a real American spends their weekend at a haunted lunatic asylum and making beef stew. From what I could tell from my photos, I was unable to capture any apparitions or odd occurrences. Compared to Moundsville State Penitentiary, Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum (TALA), formerly Weston State Hospital, was relatively peaceful. I did have one encounter in part of the infirmary. I got quite spooked. I took a picture but again, nothing showed up. Some of the photos had “orb” (or dust) activity but that is to be expected from a facility which has become increasingly run down since its closure 14 years ago.
TALA is a National Historic Landmark and the largest hand cut stone masonry building in North America, second only to the Kremlin in the world. It stretches almost 1/4 of a mile and was built using the Kirkbride plan, in which there was plenty of fresh air and sunshine. The hospital was constructed from 1858 to 1881 and began receiving patients in 1864. It was operational until 1994.
But, real Americans also visit other historic places while waiting to tour asylums. We headed over to Jackon’s Mill, the boyhood home of General Thomas “Stonewall” Jackson. We met some geese there.
So, after all the traveling, ghost chasing, and being true Americans, Sunday was spent tidying up a bit and making beef stew.
And corn grown on my parents’ farm. Since my father is a veteran I’ll stretch to make the connection that it was patriotic corn and potatoes. We also had cornbread which has no connection to my parents’ farm but I did flavor the stew with California Merlot, which I finished off with dinner. (It was a quarter bottle, just looks much bigger here.)
And, while on the phone with my mother today, my brother, in his Blackhawk, buzzed their farm while on a training mission for the National Guard. What a patriotic, American love fest! I really am a TRUE AMERICAN!
TRUE AMERICANS FOR OBAMA/BIDEN! Anyone who says any different can kiss my red, white, and blue ass.
* I arrived at the trucker number by taking the population of males in my town (5,085) and multiplied that by the number that were truckers (approx. 8% or 407). I then took the number of males and multiplied that by 80% or 4068, which is being generous as to the number of men who wear trucker hats (it could be as high as 90%). Then I minused the 407 from the 4068. All information, other than the guestimation of the percentage of men who wear trucker hats, was derived from city-data.com.