My Head Hurts

September 12, 2008 at 11:47 pm (Politics) (, , )

Who knew? Who knew so many people from the same profession can’t fucking agree on anything?!?!?!

I’ve just waded through 2 1/2 hours of economic discussions on the Obama and McCain tax plan proposals. I learned a lot of new vocabulary, I learned that even if you have an Ivy League education you can still use the term “douchebag” to describe someone who doesn’t agree with your political leanings, and I’ve learned that economics is not all about numbers. Its about speculation and differing opinions as to whether lowering or raising certain taxes on certain groups of people is going to help or hurt the economy.

And, as many pointed out, a tax plan is not law and not guaranteed to be law. Its merely a proposal. I never realized economics was so full of theory and conjecture. Maybe that’s why everyone I knew in college who took economics walked around with their eyes glazed over, drooling, and babbling incoherently for entire semesters at a time.

Stranger even, is that I like numbers so much. I crunch numbers at work and I like when my numbers balance, numbers are orderly and operate the same each time you use them. I mean, when was the last time you added 5 + 5 and got 9? 

If it were only that simple. I’m going to bed.

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I Don’t Like Her Hair…

September 12, 2008 at 7:57 am (Crazy Shit, Family, Friends, Politics)

This is what my mother said in relation to Sarah Palin yesterday evening while we had a conversation about the upcoming Presidential race. My mother is a Republican and she’s not exactly happy with John McCain’s VP choice, although I’m not exactly sure why. I wasn’t able to drag much out of her other than she doesn’t like her hair.

She doesn’t like Obama because she’s afraid he’ll put Jesse Jackson in a cabinet position.

My response on both the Sarah Palin hair statement and the Jesse Jackson cabinet position were, “OHMAHGODMOTHER!”

I asked her to remove gender, race, and hair styles from her criteria for choosing the next President, and subsequently Vice President, of the United States and to focus on the issues.

I watched Governor Palin try and talk her way out of her speech in which she said, paraphrased: Our government is sending our troops to Iraq on a task from God.   Charlie Gibson asked if we were in a Holy War. She said it was in reference to Abraham Lincoln saying, paraphrased: That we should not ask God to be on our side during war, but instead hope that we’re on His side.  Those are two different things and in the context of her speech, where she went on to speak of God’s plan, no, good try, Sarah, but I’m not buying it. 

She did not reference Abraham Lincoln in her speech and she did not state that the actions of our government should be based on the hope that we’re on God’s side in the tasks that we undertake.  She didn’t reference it and didn’t infer it either. It was painful and disturbing to watch.


I talked to my sister yesterday while they were on their way to Dallas. She lives in Alvin, TX, which is a suburb of Houston in Brazoria County. They decided to haul ass because they live in a modular home and the area they live in is prone to flooding on a good day. Her in-laws who live close to the Brazoria/Harris County line in the city of Manvel, decided to “hunker down” in their solidly built home. My BIL’s mom probably couldn’t handle the sitting involved with a long trek anyway.

Brighton has also hauled ass and I’m not sure about tinyhands. My cousins that did live in Victoria, TX moved recently to Tennessee, and my other cousin lives closer to Trashman, so, tinyhands, check in, will ya?

And, again, we wait with bated breath.

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We Are One Nation

September 11, 2008 at 10:15 pm (General)

Today… let us remember, we are one nation.

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And I Slept on Cobblestone Streets

September 10, 2008 at 6:54 pm (Crazy Shit)

I don’t remember my dreams much so whenever I do, I’m particularly excited. This morning, I had the most interesting dream.

To start, I was sitting in the middle of a cobblestone street, waiting for a concert to begin, with what appeared to be thousands of other people. When I turned and looked at the crowd (I was at the front), I thought, “I love Eastern Bloc crowds.” Even though, I assume, they were rowdy and chanting, the dream was oddly, very, very quiet, which is how I must have fallen asleep.

If you’ve never fallen asleep in a dream, its quite different. I didn’t dream within a dream, I simply fell asleep and woke up. When I awoke, it didn’t seem as though much time had changed, but it must have. Nate was still seated beside of me playing his Nintendo DS. My eyes were a bit blurry at first, but I did look at my cellphone to see how much time had elapsed or perhaps what time it was, not sure and all I can recall was that it had the number “32” where my name normally is and the time was, I think, 1:40 a.m.

Then, there were riot police, in full gear. it appreared they were there to lead us to where ever we were going, I assume into the huge stadium that was in front of us. Someone kicked my cigarettes, which were in a box (instead of my normal soft pack), and I picked them up. Then we were walking down the cobblestone streets and the police had disappeared. This is where it took on a distinctive Roman look, as people were seated high up, like balconies, and the walls were tannish old stone. People were waving and yelling with flags and posters. I couldn’t read any of them.

And that was the dream. I didn’t get to see the concert, I didn’t even know who was playing. Even with all of the sound I could see, I didn’t really hear anything.  So, the dream was odd in two ways. First, that I fell asleep in the dream, and second, that there was no soundtrack. I did know I was in a former Eastern Bloc country (I’m going to guess Budapest, Hungary … just for the hell of it) and I didn’t know, but do now, that the number 32 in numerology is a lucky number, representing people and nations.

Of course, the street itself represents my life path and the condition of the street reflects how much control you have over my life. Falling alseep in a dream fortells peaceful times ahead. Since I fell asleep on the street and I love cobblestone, I can see this as a good thing.  Being in a crowd means I need to find some space for myself, it also suggests that I need to start thinking more for myself instead of following others. Well, I never felt like I was in the crowd because I was at the very front of it. So, maybe I’m a leader, or they just liked how my ass looked and followed it.

To dream of a foreign place or country suggests that the realization of your heart’s desire is closer than you imagine.  A dream involving the police means you feel guilty for not honoring a promise or obligation and the color blue represents truth, wisdom, heaven, eternity, devotion, tranquility, loyalty and openness. Although I normally dream in vivid color, the blue of the police officer’s clothing was the only color, other than the tan of the balcony type buildings, which stood out to me.

And actually, I’m not feeling guilty about any promise or obligation that I have not yet fulfilled, unless it is paying my bills. That may be it. Balconies can represent a move up the socal ladder. (O-kay, whatev.)  It says also that numbers in dreams often represent something deeply significant from the dreamer’s real life.  It could mean someone who is 32 (I’m not aware of anyone who is 32), it could be a date (March 2nd – I know no one born on March 2nd – March 4th yes, March 9th yes, two of each, but not the 2nd). It could be 32 hours, 32 days, 32 weeks, 32 months or 32 years. So, we’re on the countdown. (Let’s hope something happens before the 32nd week, when I’m almost certain to have forgotten about this dream, which, by the way, puts us April 22, 2009, and most certainly by the 32nd month, which takes us to somewhere in May of 2011, and 32 years from now I’ll be almost 70.)

To have a dream featuring blurry images, indicates that there is something you are not confronting or refusing to see. It also represents secrets and confusion. Perhaps you think that someone is trying to keep something from you.  Like the police, the blurry vision, normal upon awakening on cobblestones in the middle of a former Eastern Bloc nation, I would think, was just a very short occurence and did not continue. Just the like blurriness disappeared, so did the police.

So, that was my dream. It was sort of electrifying. Unfortunately, some of the assholes I dealt with today, including one that I would have formally wished to have a date with, took some of the wind out of my sails. However, the wind is back. I really liked this dream.

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September 8, 2008 at 9:52 pm (Attitude in Overdrive, AZ, Beading, Crazy Shit, Friends, Music, My Travels, Nate, T-Bird, The House, Work, Writing)

Does anyone remember my good ole days of writing? I used to write funny shit, light-hearted stuff, stuff about work and Nate, and even when I wrote about Jeff it was more out of a funny pity than cold, hard hate. When I wrote about religion with fervor and belief?  When I still loved AZ and had stars in my eyes?  Remember when I used to really write? Like poems and short stories and novellas? When I researched and put a hell of a lot of work into my writing instead of mere stream of conscious stuff?  When I would spend multiple posts, sometimes a months worth, explaining the who, what, when, where, and whys of Jeff, AZ, and T-Bird?  When I made up my own spells at the ends of posts and spoke of magick?

I just went back and deleted all of the doubled posts from when I transferred over from Blogger, so I took a peak into my former life. I can say its a lot of the same angst, but in there somewhere was a lot of snarkiness and passion for the written word. A reminder that I used to write fiction, long ago, and enjoyed it. That I used to post pictures of my beadwork, that I used to bead a lot more than I do now. I wrote about my experiences with my friends and my travels to see those friends. Well, I guess some things haven’t changed.

I still quote lyrics in my writing. I can still be snarky. I still use writing as therapy. I can still put together a mean blog post.

I can’t help but remember though, that it seems my life lost a lot of its light when Kevin died, when AZ got engaged and married, after the house fire. 

And, I still haven’t spoken to T-Bird about her e-mail. Frankly, I haven’t found a way around the pain yet. I don’t know if I ever will. I have supported T-Bird almost unconditionally, keeping my opinions and criticisms to myself for the most part. And when I did speak up, it was gently, without malice. Keeping silent, when I could have said so much because, “one should be kind in their words, as they do not know the battles that someone else is facing.”  To attack me, my son, and my parenting skills in one fell swoop, well, she may as well walked up and stabbed me in the heart.

To respond in the fashion I wish, would make me no better. We all have failings as parents, as humans, and as humanity. I’ll be the first to admit that I have a HUGE SOFT SPOT where my only child is concerned, but I’m not oblivious nor blind to his failings either. However, something has to be right, or wrong, if the only people who find fault with him are his father, who is the most negative, dreary, look for the worst in every person on Earth kind of guy, and T-Bird, who is so fucking anal about her kids, especially the one she gave birth to, that you can’t breath wrong around them that she isn’t up in arms.  It almost cost us our friendship once, I’m afraid it has cost us our friendship this time.

Like I told her when she e-mailed me about responding to her first e-mail, “There’s very little I can say to make this situation better, but a whole lot I can say to make it worse.” And I mean it. You may say, “But, Nanner, if you respond honestly, she may learn something.” Since when is it my job for people to learn something? I’ve learned that my best friend could ball up 12 years of friendship and knock me in the gut with it. That’s what I’ve learned.  I really don’t give a fuck what she learns.

Unfortunately, its the kids who are the losers in all this, and I don’t mean mine. I mean her’s, who call me Aunt Nanner. Especially the little ones, who saw me more than they see their own biological mother. I miss the kids. But, T-Bird was big enough to invite me to her son’s birthday party, and I will be big enough to go because I wouldn’t disappoint him and selfishly, I want to see the little ones.

So, no, I’m not the person I used to be. I wish I could find her again.

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It’s Official…

September 8, 2008 at 3:24 am (Crazy Shit, Nate)

The weather is changing. I have contracted my first sinus/lung ailment of the year, as is per the change of seasons. My left eye looks like I’ve smoked pot continously for a week and I’ve been asleep/tossing/turning since 6 p.m., to wake at 2 a.m. to do laundry and bitch about life. I don’t like doing that because it leaves Nate to his own devices.

I have discovered something though. Nate’s PS2 died a few weeks ago and he was walking the dogs with me to get the money to buy another one. Well, his father went on Friday and bought one for him from a local pawn shop. Okay. Whatever. But, since getting the PS2, Nate has commenced with having problems with nocturnal wetness again. This leads me to wonder if the PS2 games, he’s been heavy on the Rock Band since getting it back, are spiking his seizure activity. Or, if it is merely a coincidence, since he’s been playing his Nintendo DS and PSP the entire time his PS2 has been down. Or if the lack of nocturnal wetness has something to do with the rise and dip of normal adolescent hormones, which I’ve been expecting with the onset of puberty.  Time will tell.

Friday, I stopped out at Jeff’s parents’ farm to drop off Nate’s clothes for his weekend with his father, to find his father still stumbling from his drinking of the night before. I mean, its really sad when someone still smells of alcohol and is unsteady on their feet because they drank too much the night before (and the night before that, and the night before that.)  He said, “Oh, well, I was hoping you could watch Nate tonight because I had something I had to do.”  Oh, really?  Its seems as though whatever he had to do could have been done the other six nights of the week he’s not supposed to have Nate for visitation, or perhaps he could have stayed sober long enough to accomplish said task without fucking with my life, as he likes to do.

Then he changed his mind and said that it was fine that Nate stayed with him Friday. Guess where Nate spent the night on Friday?  With me. Guess who called me Saturday night upset with Nate about the fact he only ate mac and cheese and jello from the bar at a local restaurant?  Jeff. Then bitched about money and how I have so much more and how I can afford for Nate to waste money… Jeff. 

I figure if I drank as much as he does, well, I wouldn’t have any extra money either. From the 1421.00 I made last month, I was able to pay my mortgage, my utilities, buy Nate some school clothes, his school supplies, pay for his clarinet, his medication, put gas in my car, buy us food, and generally keep our noses above the water line. There are some bills that still need to be paid, and/or caught up, but for the most part, we’re doing okay. Not great, but okay. I haven’t bought beads or booze or any plane tickets to exotic places like Arizona.

I have Christmas coming up and there are a few things I would like to get Nate that are fairly expensive. There won’t be a lot under our tree, but what there will be, will be expensive.

One thing that I’ll be doing is trying to get him a medical card through the State. He does qualify and that will take out all the bullshit about Jeff keeping the money from Nate’s prescription refund whenever I’m the one that pays for it. He believes he’s “entitled.” How, I’m not sure, other than he’s crazier than a bedbug.

Almost 3:30, time for bed again. Have a lovely morning.

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September 3, 2008 at 10:18 pm (Attitude in Overdrive, Politics) (, , , , , , , , )

I’ve been fired up over Senator McCain’s choice of Governor Sarah Palin as his running mate.  I’m so fired up, I don’t know where to start.  If you don’t want my opinion of her, then read no further.


Perhaps I should start with her abortion platform. I am not pro-abortion, I am pro-choice. I do not believe abortion should be used as a continous means of birth control, however, those who make the choice to have an abortion should find it safe and legal. Having an abortion is an extremely personal choice and I believe that is between you, your Higher Power, your conscience, and your doctor. I do not believe in partial birth abortion, unless it is for extreme circumstances.

I believe if you are raped, you should have the right to chose to have an abortion.

I believe if you’re a 12 year old girl who has been raped by a family member, you should have the right to chose to have an abortion (with appropriate counseling).

I believe if your life is in danger, you should have the right to chose to have an abortion.

As a mother, and one who chose to be, I am well aware of life, and how life grows within my body. I hope I am NEVER in the position to have to contemplate abortion, however, if I am, I want it to be my choice, and I want it to be safe and legal.

Governor Sarah Palin believes none of those things.


Governor Palin believes in abstinence-only education and will not support government funding of hard core sex education. How’s that working for ya, Gov’na?  So you’re proud of your daughter’s decision to have her baby?  Under your regime, she wouldn’t have any choice. Are you proud that your abstinence education worked? Are you proud to spotlight teen pregnancy and be a “normal family?” That’s an insult to every “normal” family who doesn’t have a teen pregnancy. That’s an insult to me, a mother, who plans on teaching her son the hard core truth about sex and its responsibilities, about the emotional toll, about the possible STDs that can be transmitted, and yes, about abstinence.

I remained abstinent until I was well past 20 years old. So, as far as talking to my teenager about remaining abstinent, I won’t be a hypocrite. There was a very good article on CNN about combining the techniques of abstinence and hard core sex ed by Roland S. Martin. Both parties should listen.


Governor Palin’s foreign policy extends to the fact she is governor of Alaska and that’s close to Russia, so… foreign policy via osmosis?  Let me tell you how much more experience I have. I have met with Representatives of the German government and talked politics with them. I have visited eight foreign countries, and lived in one for a year, not as a bystanding-living-on-a-base-attending-an-American-high-school-individual, but as a guest citizen, speaking their language, abiding by their rules, and learning their culture. 

Travel to foreign countries helps you develop a better view of how we are all interconnected and how American policies affect the entire world. Being able to spit on a foreign country from your back door is not the same thing. And being so close to Russia… why hasn’t she ever visited??? And really, the indigenous tribes of Alaska don’t count.


She does support the development of oil and natural gas in Alaska, however, she’s not exactly climate or conservation friendly. I am well aware of the need of America to become less dependent upon oil, much less foreign oil, but not wanting to list the polar bear as an engangered species because it would upset your oil and gas business doesn’t set well with me. I have friends in the gas business here in WV and I know what they can do and how they do it because we discuss it over lunch. There can be a balance between obtaining natural resources and maintaining wildlife.

She also believes that global warming is not man-made. I may give her part of that, because I really believe that as everything cycles, so does the Earth, but by the Lady’s eyelashes, we’re not helping anything! You really want me to believe that the chemical plant across the river from me that blew up last week is not releasing environmentally damaging toxins into the air along with the putrid smell and their “everlasting” flame that “burns off” any toxic substances. Yeah. Listen, Gov’na, I was born at night, but it wasn’t last night. I have eyes, I can read the amount of fines they’ve paid in the past years due to their non-environmentally friendly dumping, spillage, and air quality standards. Pfft.

Humans ARE very much responsible for global warming.  Check this out.


I commend the “First Dude” for resigning from his job (for a period of time) as a production manager with BP due to some legislation Governor Palin was destined to be a part of, but, frankly, and I’m not sure the rest of America feels the way that I do, but I’ve had enough of anyone connected to oil. The oil barons have run this country into the ground for the past eight years and I’m done. I’m also not particularly fond of the “First Dude” encouraging those unable to pay for college to become a part of the gas and oil movement. Why not make college affordable? And, by the way, awarding the 500 million dollars in seed money to a Canadian organization to build and operate the 26 billion dollar natural gas pipeline from the North Slope to the rest of us poor Americans, classic.  

That’s a lot of college educations, or, maybe even jobs for those who can’t afford an education. I wonder how many Americans TransCanada is going to employ. I can say, it was a good day to be Canadian.

Maybe she should have used some of Alaska’s government surplus to create a program to help those who can’t afford college.


She believes that being in Iraq is part of God’s plan. What. The fuck. God’s plan for what, exactly? And, pardon me, but who do you think you are to determine what God’s plan is?  Are you Mary or Joan of Arc now? Has God sent down a messenger from Heaven to you? What a crock!  Governor, you seem to have decent intelligence and you’ve got a lot of moxy, which I can really appreciate, but expecting me to believe that the US invasion of Iraq is God’s Will, is as insulting as believing that it is Allah’s Will to kill all Americans or that I’ll vote for you and Senator McCain simply because you have a uterus.

God’s Will does not extend and should not be used as an excuse by any government to justify their actions. Its a sidestep of responsibility that is so HEINOUS I’m ashamed you said it. Appalled beyond belief doesn’t come close to how I feel about your statement and the release of responsibility of OUR GOVERNMENT for their actions by blowing it off on God. I definitely do not know or even proclaim to know in the least little bit what God’s Plan or Will is, but based on what I know, I can only imagine that She’s shaking her heard in shame. Again, classic.


I don’t care that you can field dress a moose, big whoop, I can field dress a deer, and given a dead moose and a fairly sharp knife, I figure I could strip out a moose as well. However, I can say your chances of knowing to stay behind Dick Cheney while he’s hunting, are greater than the average person.


I make no excuses for the way I feel. If you agree, you do. If you don’t, you don’t. You have the right to vote just as I do, and you have a right to blog, just as I do. Feel free to disagree, but keep it clean and respectful.

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