#957

September 8, 2008 at 9:52 pm (Attitude in Overdrive, AZ, Beading, Crazy Shit, Friends, Music, My Travels, Nate, T-Bird, The House, Work, Writing)

Does anyone remember my good ole days of writing? I used to write funny shit, light-hearted stuff, stuff about work and Nate, and even when I wrote about Jeff it was more out of a funny pity than cold, hard hate. When I wrote about religion with fervor and belief?  When I still loved AZ and had stars in my eyes?  Remember when I used to really write? Like poems and short stories and novellas? When I researched and put a hell of a lot of work into my writing instead of mere stream of conscious stuff?  When I would spend multiple posts, sometimes a months worth, explaining the who, what, when, where, and whys of Jeff, AZ, and T-Bird?  When I made up my own spells at the ends of posts and spoke of magick?

I just went back and deleted all of the doubled posts from when I transferred over from Blogger, so I took a peak into my former life. I can say its a lot of the same angst, but in there somewhere was a lot of snarkiness and passion for the written word. A reminder that I used to write fiction, long ago, and enjoyed it. That I used to post pictures of my beadwork, that I used to bead a lot more than I do now. I wrote about my experiences with my friends and my travels to see those friends. Well, I guess some things haven’t changed.

I still quote lyrics in my writing. I can still be snarky. I still use writing as therapy. I can still put together a mean blog post.

I can’t help but remember though, that it seems my life lost a lot of its light when Kevin died, when AZ got engaged and married, after the house fire. 

And, I still haven’t spoken to T-Bird about her e-mail. Frankly, I haven’t found a way around the pain yet. I don’t know if I ever will. I have supported T-Bird almost unconditionally, keeping my opinions and criticisms to myself for the most part. And when I did speak up, it was gently, without malice. Keeping silent, when I could have said so much because, “one should be kind in their words, as they do not know the battles that someone else is facing.”  To attack me, my son, and my parenting skills in one fell swoop, well, she may as well walked up and stabbed me in the heart.

To respond in the fashion I wish, would make me no better. We all have failings as parents, as humans, and as humanity. I’ll be the first to admit that I have a HUGE SOFT SPOT where my only child is concerned, but I’m not oblivious nor blind to his failings either. However, something has to be right, or wrong, if the only people who find fault with him are his father, who is the most negative, dreary, look for the worst in every person on Earth kind of guy, and T-Bird, who is so fucking anal about her kids, especially the one she gave birth to, that you can’t breath wrong around them that she isn’t up in arms.  It almost cost us our friendship once, I’m afraid it has cost us our friendship this time.

Like I told her when she e-mailed me about responding to her first e-mail, “There’s very little I can say to make this situation better, but a whole lot I can say to make it worse.” And I mean it. You may say, “But, Nanner, if you respond honestly, she may learn something.” Since when is it my job for people to learn something? I’ve learned that my best friend could ball up 12 years of friendship and knock me in the gut with it. That’s what I’ve learned.  I really don’t give a fuck what she learns.

Unfortunately, its the kids who are the losers in all this, and I don’t mean mine. I mean her’s, who call me Aunt Nanner. Especially the little ones, who saw me more than they see their own biological mother. I miss the kids. But, T-Bird was big enough to invite me to her son’s birthday party, and I will be big enough to go because I wouldn’t disappoint him and selfishly, I want to see the little ones.

So, no, I’m not the person I used to be. I wish I could find her again.

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10 Comments

  1. Vince said,

    First of all, I agree that you should respond to negativity with more negativity. I do too much of that with my own kids and I’m trying to get better at it. As you said, there’s nothing to be gained in it.

    Who isn’t the person they used to be? Change is a part of life. I’m not the same guy I was when I started reading your blog. However, I like the person you are. Then, now, makes no difference. I don’t see much different in you other than some tough life experiences you’re working through. That other person you used to be is still in there.

    I agree that you lost something with Kevin’s death. I’ve given you my opinion on AZ but I don’t think you really lost anything with AZ not in your life. You can kick my ass about it, but that man was poison for you. It may take some time to get over him, sort of like an addiction, but once you do, I think you’ll be much happier for it.

    You need some passion in your life, and not the romantic kind. There’s so many things you love and are good at, music, beading, writing. Pick one and rediscover it. My passion for music has sustained me through good and bad. There’s one thing that if you could do it, you’d give up EVERYTHING for and do it. I can’t tell you what that is but I bet you know what it is. Rediscover that and embrace it. You’ll be glad you did.

  2. kenju said,

    I’m glad she invited you and I’m glad you are going. Maybe this is her way of saying “I’m sorry”. Maybe it’s the only way she knows how to say it.

  3. PandoraWilde said,

    The road we travel to reach the point we’re at is how we become the people we are. It could be you’ll look back and be glad of some of the turns, regret some of them and decide that still others wouldn’t have changed the place you stand at today no matter which direction you went at those points.

    OK, enough philosophy.

    Maybe you’re low on snark but your posts are also showing that you work hard, would kill for your son and are working hard on coming back from the fire and the aftermath. You’ve been thru hell in the time I’ve been reading you–I wouldn’t expect to find the same posts, subjects or voice that you had now as you had then. Not hearing the same voice means you’re growing, and that’s good.

    Hugs and hope things mellow out a bit for you soon.

  4. Tina said,

    Dude, you know I love you. You and Nate need to take out your frustrations the old-fashioned way…..ROLLERCOASTERS! 😉 Talk to you soon!

  5. Inanna said,

    Vince, I guess when reading over my posts I started remembering “the good times” and I miss AZ. I mss being able to talk to him and share things with him. Regardless of unrequited love or his bullshit, he really was one of my best friends, and I miss him. I do need some passion back in my life… any kind would suit me fine 😉

    Kenju, nah, I don’t think so. I think it is so she doesn’t have to answer questions about where I am or why I’m not there. She invited me to her nephew’s party as well. Eh.

    Pandora, can I stop changing for a bit? 🙂 Please?

    Beanie, dude, if I had two extra pennies to rub together, I’d so be there!

  6. Aimee said,

    I was thinking along similar lines the other day–sort of wondering at the amount of change in the years since I started blogging.

    One thing is unchanged though–I still love you.

  7. Zelda said,

    You had me at hello. Seriously. I remember the post about Halloween in the mountains and how happy I was when you commented on my site. 🙂

  8. Evil Twin's Wife said,

    If I ever have any time to myself, I need to go back and start reading from the beginning… But, you’ve filled in a lot of the blanks for me just in person. I’m so glad we met!

  9. LisaBinDaCity said,

    I think of life as an ocean with lots of waves, some that are refreshing and lovely, and some that do their best to knock you down.

    You’ll find your good waves again. Just keep plugging along!

  10. PandoraWilde said,

    Only if I can Inanna! At least let me somehow quit changing my address?

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