Was a wonderful affair, wish you could have been here. We went ice skating, saw a movie (Hancock, which we all really enjoyed), and played Rock Band, a gift from one of my BFF’s Beanie. Dude, ya know he went out and bought “Guitar Hero – Aerosmith” today??? This is how I know he is my son, besides the fact I shoved him out of my crotch.
Hat tip to The Merry Wife of Baltimore – Cybele – and Fuzzy on their birthdays as well. Hope you had wonderful ones!
I went four wheeling on Saturday evening with Dave, his daughter Kaelyn, and friends of his. Dave is Kevin’s cousin and it was nice being out in the woods, in the dark, near the water, in the fog. It was really, really nice and Kaelyn reminds me of me when I was her age. She is 10 and has a foot to match Nate’s. BIG.
The next day we all went to the Arts & Crafts Fair and I picked up a new focal bead (Dave gifted it to me), and a new hair barette made in the lacquerware style. It is AMAZING! Watching this lady, Linda Tong, do her thing was just… I felt like a bull in a china shop. Google her, she’s awesome and her prices are SO REASONABLE!
On the way to the fair, I showed Dave and Kaelyn some of my work, which included AZ and his wife’s wedding gift, which I still haven’t given them. (Its a Christmas tree ornament in their wedding colors. No, don’t ask why I made it, I just did, a long time ago!) Dave asked, “I’ve never met his wife. What’s she like? Is she like us?” I snorted and said, “If she were like us, he’d be married to me.”
Dave is a tall, gawky redneck, who brags a bit too much, has a great sense of humor, a size 15 shoe, smokes too much pot, drinks too much beer, has a heart of gold, and normally doesn’t know when to shut up. That shut him up.
I figured he was trying to figure out whether or not to go there and he figured real fast that I’d said all I was going to say on the matter and that was that. It felt good to be honest though, instead of just pretending that it didn’t bother me.
I’m stuck on “Again” by … wait for it… Alice. In. Chains.
Hey, let them do it again, yeah
Hey, you said you were my friend
Hey, turn me upside down, Oh
Hey, feelin’ so down
You made a fool of me again
Hey, I know I made the same mistake, yeah
I, I won’t do it again, no
Why, Why you slap me in the face, oww
I, I didn’t say it was OK, no
You violate a part of me again
Whoo whoo, yeah
Hey, you had time to think it out, yeah
Hey, Your weak will won’t help her heal her heart
Hey, I’ll bet it really eats you up
Extending part of me again
Wow, wonder why I’m stuck on “Again,” besides the fact it has a great beat and I love dancing to it.
I’ve been having anger issues related to AZ, in case you couldn’t tell. Its about time, right?
I feel a certain responsibility to those that love me. I feel especially responsible to be gentle with those that love me in a more special way than I love them. I feel a responsibility not to lead things on or to pretend that things are not what they seem for my own gain. In all my Southerness, I find that rude, if not heartless.
Once again, I face the, “but he did help me when I needed him…” scenario, same as with Jeff, and we see where that’s gotten me. What nailed it, was when he came to me for comfort after Kevin died and two weeks later he asked her to marry him. And I was with him in January out of spite. Again, we see where that got me.
What’s so hard about saying, “I’m in love with her,” and then not touching me? If that’s how he really felt, which is obvious now, why not just say it and then let me be? Why the game? Was I suppose to understand this in some way? False hope? Bullshit? And, I could point the finger at myself more if it had just been me, but it wasn’t. He made sure she and I didn’t have contact, he made sure she wasn’t there, he made sure I was. And he knew how I felt, and he used it against me.
I’ll never have the answers I want because he’ll never fess up as to what was really going through his mind. The only logical explanation to his behavior is he’s a dick and he simply liked the way I sucked his cock. But don’t think I don’t miss him. When I’ve felt this way before, angry about something, hurt, sad, I went to him. I don’t have him anymore, not that I ever really did.