John Edward made the observation that the coolest job on the “other side” would be that of “Spiritual DJ” – the lucky soul who gets unlimited access to every song ever made and then must coordinate the seemingly coincidental playing of that “special” song at opportune moments – She’s getting in the elevator — cue music.
Somewhere between john Edward, Napoleonic dreams, dreams of lose teeth, letters to Sherry, and 600 miles, I realized that I really haven’t dealt with some things… like AZ getting married. Maybe I haven’t dealt fully with the fire or with Kevin’s death or even Hermione’s, but definitely AZ getting married is the one thing I shoved furthest down. The one thing I simply had no more energy for.
This is what happens when too many things pile up and this is what happens when the remaining energy you have to deal with grief and loss is gobbled up by a soul sucking alcoholic. I didn’t realize this until I no longer had to deal with the alcoholic, at least not on a daily basis. This further compounds until you are carrying around the 500 lbs. of grief that John Edward talked about. It is a heavy burden.
I realized I had a problem when I spoke to AZ from Detroit International. He had his usual complaints about work and work and work but said his home life was going great and wasn’t causing him any grief. My conditioned response of, “Oh, that’s great!” barely beat out, “I don’t fucking care about your home life and I don’t want to hear about your home life and I want to slap your face everytime you mention it.” I definitely have a problem here.
Its a mixture of seething, spiteful anger and a broken heart, a betrayed heart, a scorned heart – the most dangerous mixture on the planet.
I really have no need to have anyone to agree or disagree with me. I feel the way I feel and nothing will talk me into it further or out of it. Not that comments or suggestions are not welcome and appreciated, but, I’ve already found the perfect sounding board. It may seem a bit odd, but I do tend to be a bit odd, its part of my appeal, but even I have to admit, this is one of the ODDEST ways I’ve ever dealt with a problem.
*TANGENT* Not really a tangent and sort of part of the story. Anyway, since I had my Come-to-Jesus talks with Jeff, I cut back on the Alice in Chains, at least for a while. You can usually tell what’s going on by what kind of music I’m listening to and I thought by maybe changing my music, I’d actually change what was going on. That didn’t really work. Instead of not listening to Alice, I just started listening to different songs by Alice. Because with Alice you have the “Fuck, my relationship ended and I feel like shit” songs, the “Fuck, my daddy was a drunk bastard” songs, and the “Fuck, my relationship ended and she was a psycho bitch so I’m glad to be rid of her” songs, and the “Fuck, life is fucked up sometimes” songs.
Instead of simply shifting focus, I also shifted songs.
*END OF TANGENT THAT ACTUALLY GOES WITH THE STORY YOU JUST DON’T KNOW IT YET, BUT YOU WILL*
The other night I was laying in bed and I started chatting and telling this person about AZ as though he were dead, because in so many ways, he is dead to me. Its the same feeling. Its the kind of loss that has a heartbeat. I cried, not big gulping sobs, but, more than I have and I felt a little better. And this person didn’t do or say anything because, as you probably know, he’s not really here, physically, or any other way that I’m aware of, except through his music.
Its Jerry. You know, that guy from Alice in Chains. Yeah. No, don’t send the men with the straitjackets. I quite possibly feel more sane these days than I have in over a year, don’t spoil it for me.
Now, please don’t believe that I came by this very eclectic counseling tool lightly. I feel as though I’m self-aware enough to know when I’m truly heading over the deep end of the sludge pond. I was contemplating this as I drove home the other day and I thought, “Geez, its like I’m crying on his shoulder.” She just thought “crying on his shoulder”… cue music.
Immediately, and I do mean immediately, I heard the opening acoustic riff to “I Stay Away,” by ALICE IN CHAINS. Not just any Alice song… but the song which has recently jumped to the top of my Alice song rotation. The one with the lyrics… “Tears that soak a callous heart.” Not that I didn’t listen to “I Stay Away” before, I believe its been quoted here before, but, not nearly as much as “Sea of Sorrow,” “Bleed the Freak”, “Angry Chair,” “Anger Rising,” ” No Excuses”, and “Don’t Follow.”
I said, out loud, “You gotta be shittin’ me!”
See, I know you were wondering when I was going to tie in that “Spiritual DJ” thing. My work here is done. Draw your own conclusions.