Down The Rabbit Hole

May 15, 2008 at 10:18 pm (Crazy Shit)

Things here are ugly and confusing. I have looked forward to this day off , although I had several errands that needed ran, a mountain of clothes to wash, and a house to clean (again).
I am finding little solace in life, or in my solace producing pursuits, and feel the desire to drop off the face of the Earth into a giant hole, much like Alice, minus the white rabbit and I already have a Mad Hatter, so I can do without that as well. A far off place where I know no one knows me. True, I know no one in Milwaukee, however, I am expected to be there and I even have my own name tag already. So much for anonymity.
I awoke yesterday morning with Jeff on my mind, which is never a good start to any morning. However, he did sound sober, which is a improvement from the previous days, but always prone to digression, and I shall take that as I find it. I must admit that he is the only reason for my “Wishful Alice Anywhere But Here Syndrome,” well, him and my drab, gray love life. My alcoholic friends tell me though, that regardless of where I go, there shall I be, and all my problems with me. Although I’m not an alcoholic, I do carry a certain amount of baggage, as we all do, and I wonder how much of it I would dare to schlep to a new place.
I wonder if I shall ever be free of the anxiety and nervousness that dealing with this situation in my life produces. I am ashamed to admit that I have gotten to the point where I hope something happens to him. I am ashamed that I wish this because I am cowardly and unsure of the right steps to take. I can see the steps he’s taking to exert control over myself and Nate, because he has no control over himself. I have reviewed all of the pertinent law. They are strict and obviously meant to keep waring parents out of Court due to insignificant, trivial things, because some absolute serious transgressions have to happen before you can drag your former significant other into Court. We don’t fit any of the criteria. Obviously the Court is more concerned with pedophiles than drunkards. I feel as though my hands are tied in the worst way.
Today he called both Nate and myself and neither of us answered, for different reasons but I did call him back. He started in about how Nate hadn’t answered the phone and I could tell, yes, indeed, he was drunk. Then he informed me he was driving down the road and couldn’t talk. Mensch!  This is why, yesterday, I took his soberiety as I found it. Digression can be just around the corner.
I find myself staring down the rabbit hole, ready to jump at any moment.


  1. Jammie J said,

    Doesn’t sound like a good place to be. 😦

  2. Vince said,

    I have been in that mood many a time, not wanting to get up in the and face the world, wishing I could just sleep the rest of my life away so I didn’t have to face whatever it is that’s getting me to that place. I also understand being in the mood where the things you love give you no joy because of all the other crap. Things usually work themselves out, but I’ve got a pretty good support structure.

    I’ve said it before and I still believe it. You need to get out of there. Not because of Jeff, but because there’s not a lot of opportunity for you there. I believe there’s great things in you that would flower if you were in the right place. Where that is, I’m not sure, but I bet you know. Think about it and pray about it. In the quiet, you’ll know.

  3. Tina said,

    ^What Vince said. 😉

    As a recvovering alcoholic I can understand Jeff’s bullshit to a certain extent. Booze fucks with your mind and thought process. You don’t think rationally when you are on the sauce. I have NO regards for Jeff whatsoever. Actually I consider him a scumbag and I don’t even know him, but I do pray that he gets some help in addition to AA, for Nate’s sake. It hurts me that you and Nate have to put up with his crap.

  4. PandoraWilde said,

    Dealing with drunks is tough and tougher when there’s kids involved.

    If one of you is really thinking about trying to haul the other into court, then you need to document his shit. Start a journal (or password posts here) with dates, behaviors, threats, state of sobriety, and whatever other miscellaneous shit applies.

    Then, if he drags you into court, you have some backup, and if you want to take him to court, you have your reasons all mapped out.

    It sucks, yes. But it might be necessary someday.

  5. Aimee said,

    Hardly anyone in Portland knows you–you could disappear here for a while if you want to. I won’t be able to help you fix anything, but I have a heck of a good shoulder. Plus, I have my own history with alcoholics which brings with it a certain understanding…


  6. Jamie said,

    I would involve the police in every infraction, so there’s a trail. Eventually, this will serve you. It’s so awful what your going through with him, have you ever gone to Al-Anon? I’ve done some research on it, at the least. My mother is an alcoholic, though not as awful as Jeff!

    But reading it helped me decide where her problem started, and mine ended. It helped me put space where I needed space. And to feel good about it. When to let it go, and when to get involved.

    And honestly, I think moving could be put in a more positive light. Not running away, but running towards… Towards opportunity, freedom, and adventure. Your such an enterprising, strong, energetic, determined person, you’d do well anywhere you went.

    It just has the added BONUS of distance between you and Jeff. Check with your laws, however, as in my state, I’m not allowed to even move out of the state without permission of non-custodial parent. But, I doubt anyone would really enforce it since your not a pedophile. So disregard checking, ignorance is bliss.

    But every time Jeff called me driving and drunk, I’d call the police, and document it. Sure, they may not do anything, but usually there’s a record. At the very least, a record on your phone. Keep a log of every drunk call to your son. If you have the constitution for it, and don’t want to move, seriously consider involving child protective services. It may be a lot to deal with, but they can require supervised visits with Jeff, and even make it an uninvolved person, so you don’t have to be there. But you’d have to have proof and a log, and that’s where that record will come in handy!

    Who knows, maybe if he’s held to normal human parent standards, he’ll leave. I used to think the best thing for my kids was a dad, no matter what. I’ve since revised my thinking, and feel that sometimes you just need to cut someone out. I also used to mistakenly believe it was my child’s’ right to have both parents, but now I think it’s a privilege a parent should earn to BE a part of their childs’ life!

    Hope I didn’t assume too much with my advice, but I get so pissed off when I read this. I see these kinds of assholes in my ER all the time, and I always think of the families that have to deal. I think Al Anon is a wonderful resource. And I’ve suggested it more than once.

  7. sara said,

    drop over to my site and then to Midway Ranger. I think you and my boyfriend are asking the same questions about now.

    i am so far out of the blog family loop that i don’t know what is going on in anyone’s world.

    i was in a funk once and a friend told me to “just keep waking up”. and one day I did, and life wasn’t 100% better, but it was better and kept getting better. Just keep waking up girlie.

  8. Jennyjinx said,

    You said:

    I wonder if I shall ever be free of the anxiety and nervousness that dealing with this situation in my life produces.

    My answer (from someone who’s been there):

    Yes. In time.

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