Remember how I said I was going to try and blog more? Well, I am blogging, just in my mind. Finding time this past week to put it “on paper” has been daunting. First, there’s Nate. Yeah, the little shitter has been in a big heap o’ trouble. Let’s see… school. At the age of 11, and having informed him numerous times of what is expected of him, I gave him enough rope to hang himself and damned if he didn’t. I’m tired of chasing after him to do what’s expected of him. I let him fall and then I grounded his little ass for eternity or until his grades and his behavior improve.
Now, for some reason, Jeff didn’t see it the same way that I do. He thinks I should spend every moment that I’m not at work policing Nate. I think it is well past time for Nate to feel the consequences of his actions and those consequences had better hurt or we’re just not doing our jobs as parents. We’ve since worked that out, I think. I’m sure its not over, it never is.
Between Friday and Saturday I worked 27 hours, helped T-Bird move a chair, which entailed having to go to my former nabes house (at 7:45 a.m. no less, after having gotten off work at midnight) and pick up their truck, which is a POS with a bad transmission, driving to another city, picking up said chair, bringing said chair back to T-Bird’s unloading said chair, and then T-Bird and I returning the truck because it took both of us to put the damn thing in gear, and today, my only day off of the week, I helped Jeff load a trailer load of wood at my parents’ place and walked him all over the farm.
I tarred, ya’ll.
After Jeff had his little blow up about Nate and his grades and what a poor pitiful mother I am yada, yada, yada (and I hung up on him), he called back, because being hung up once just never does it for him. However, he apologized for bringing up the past and blah, blah, and I could pretty well tell the next part of the conversation wasn’t going to have much to do with Nate. Jeff wasn’t drunk, but he had taken his medication which makes him really loopy and philosophical and lovey. Did you throw up in your mouth a little? I did.
Honestly, if it wasn’t so damned entertaining I wouldn’t waste my time. Besides, sweeping the leaves off the sidewalk and the porch needs a little spice. However, something he said showed an amazing amount of insight into who I am.
He’s asked me before why I’ve never been married and such things but this time he said, “Ya know, you hold your cards so close to you. If you have a royal flush, you might show the 10, then maybe the jack, hell, maybe even a queen, but it takes a hell of a lot to see that king and that ace, and I doubt anyone has ever seen that ace. Well… then again. I didn’t know, I didn’t know AZ got married. Nate told me and I know that must have been hard.” Thank you, Nate, and why the hell does everyone think I’m falling apart, crying in my bed every night, ready to slit my wrists, and drown in my own sorrow over the fact AZ got married?
I don’t think I’ve even come down on it that hard on my blog and the only people I confide in about AZ in my “real” world are T-Bird and Li-Li and they would never say anything to anyone because they know I’d slit their wrists. And furthermore, I have absolutely no reason to confide in Jeff about anything. He’s like a mean, angry elephant, he’s mean and angry and he forgets nothing and if he can use it against you in the future, he will.
He’s also absolutely right. I am extremely cautious about who I share my feelings with. Odd, considering I publish my journal online for the whole world to read, however, I am totally in control of what you read as I am totally in control of the editing process. I don’t lie to you, but I doubt you ever truly get the full story.
I call that – my ace in the hole.