I would ask if possible that you head over to my MySpace page and listen to the song on my profile by a Texas band, Laidlaw. The song is, “Open Up Your Mind.” I hope I can catch these guys the next time I’m in Texas. Frequent readers here will recognize the significance of this song to me.
(Did ya’ll know I’m lactose intolerant? I can handle a glass of milk or a bowl of ice cream, but more than that and I’m a loose cannon. If I drink eggnog, I may as well just drink it while sitting on the toilet because that’s where I’ll be in no time flat. I had two glasses of chocolate milk and a whole vat of brie this evening. I’m not feeling so well. Forget those designer Hollywood enemas, I say, Got Milk?)
I’ve been rather contemplative today. I prefer that over “analytical.” Namely because it involves the root – anal.
Jammie J., who ya’ll should pray for as the fires in Southern Cal inch closer to her, asked how I could pretend to be happy and how she would like to cultivate that trait. I say, nah, don’t do it. I pointed out my own hypocrisy. I detest the way AZ pretends to be happy and all sorts of other things and by doing the same, I am no different.
I’m not certain of his reasons. I am only certain that mine was to hide my pain, hurt, and downright confusion. I wasn’t going to break down or bend at all, because I’m stubborn that way. Plus, I really hated the way he sounded when he told me, like he was waiting on me to do just that. To go off, etc. etc. I’m not sure if he was looking for that or afraid of it, regardless, I refused to bend. I’m just glad he told me over the phone.
I’ve been told I speak with my eyes. Can you guess what they were saying? Well, it wasn’t what was coming out of my mouth.
The reality is, I’m not sure he was in the best place emotionally when he asked her to marry him. He had been under pressure since her twin sister got married, under pressure from his mother and grandmother, that same grandmother who was diagnosed with cancer and passed away earlier this year, he was, yes, emotionally vulnerable because of the sudden and shocking loss of Kevin, just as much as we all were.
I was shocked because we had been together quite a bit between the time that Kevin died and he asked her to marry him, which was the time span of a month, almost to the day. And when I say “together,” I mean in a carnal fashion. Reaching out to each other emotionally and anchoring ourselves… something he should have been doing with her, which I pointed out to him, which he promptly ignored. When I asked him if he loved her, he shrugged his shoulders and said, “Yeah, she’s really nice. Her family is yada, yada, yada, blah, blah, blah.” Not exactly what I would expect when you’ve been dating someone for five years.
So, yeah, the engagement was not entirely shocking, in that I knew he had contemplated it. I didn’t think he would do it. I haven’t said anything – nothing about vulnerability or the emotionally roller coaster we’ve all been on since this time last year. I would have been useless because you can’t tell anyone anything. They have to figure it out for themselves.
I think what really bothers me, is that I wouldn’t tolerate the kind of relationship they have and I think that’s why we’re not together, and more than likely, never should be. I’m willing to impale myself upon pain to ease it, to bleed out the darkness, to sacrifice part of myself to find another part of myself. He’s not willing to do that. He knows he should but he can’t or won’t. He just lets it build up then takes it out on everyone around him, and the closest target is her. He stopped doing that to me a long time ago, because I would tell him to go fuck himself.
I’m all about digging the thorns out of my skin and he’s all about letting them fester and wallowing in the pus. Ew.
I also think it’s because I had seen how far he had come emotionally. When he came to me with his problems, I didn’t tiptoe around and I pushed him further and further toward the direction he said he wanted to go, which only made us closer. I feel as though he kicked that to the curb for someone more emotionally safe or boring. I feel in some ways as though he abandoned me emotionally. As though everything we had faced together hadn’t really meant anything to him.
He was angry that he was fired from the station only after his grandmother’s death. I told him that perhaps he wasn’t supposed to be there, that he wasn’t supposed to have to take that particular burden on his shoulders, that he wasn’t supposed to impale himself upon that particular burning stake of pain. I forgot, he does like to impale himself, he just never bleeds out nor removes the stake. Regardless, he was not impressed with my particular view of the situation, he just wanted to be angry about it, like he is everything.
Why do I want to be with him again??? Do I really want to be with him or am I just angry with him because I feel he took the easy way out? And what right do I really feel I have to be angry about anything? Because he involved me? Doesn’t mean shit, it still doesn’t have my name on it.
What I’m really pissed off about is I feel like I lost my friend. All these years we didn’t have a “real” relationship, maybe under the guise of not losing our friendship… its gone anyway. It will never be the same and I don’t want it to be. I’m not that girl anymore. He has a wife now. I hope it means as much to him as it does to me.
Two cups of chamomile peppermint tea and I’m still awake.