Here I Am Again

August 22, 2007 at 12:34 am (Attitude in Overdrive, Relationships)

Oh hell. Still not getting this creative thing on right now but I’m trying. Trying to write, trying to design, trying, trying, trying. Argh.

Okay, I’ll fess up. All of this is over a man.

Look, I didn’t know that being intimate with him was going to do this, okay? So, I kinda put him in a tailspin, plus other factors out of my control. It was a combination of things, at least, that’s his story.

My story is, I can’t say no. Challenge me, I’m in. Bad habit of mine. And I’m really not too happy with the whole situation. Matter of fact, I really miss him and after talking to him the other night, well, whatever was there or could have been there, is no longer there. I understand why but that doesn’t mean I like it. Maybe he doesn’t like it either but he has to do what he has to do and I have to accept it.

The dark side of me whispers, “Coward.”

But above all of that, it scared me. It scared me that I was blind-sided by his reaction, no idea that was going to happen until it was too late. No warning and you know, I never gave it a thought because I had a lot of faith that if anyone could handle me, it would be him. Older, wiser, smarter.

We laid the cards on the table. I guess we forgot to flip one over. Even the best laid plans, go awry.

I’m not happy about this, not happy a’tall. But, I’ll get over it.

Oh yeah… can I start over
Oh yeah… can I start over
And get over it

– Killer Is Me – AiC

Just tell me this isn’t going to continue to be a theme in my life. It isn’t the first time it’s happened, but I really want it to be the last. Because that’s pretty scary too. Makes me angry with myself, for what reason, I have yet to determine.

Candles red I have a pair
Shadows dancing everywhere
Burning on the angry chair

– Angry Chair – AiC

I’m sad and hurt and I know he’s struggling with his own demons, which doesn’t make me feel any better.

Yeah, its fine
We’ll walk down the line
Leave our rain, a cold
Trade for warm sunshine
You my friend
I will defend
And if we change, well I
Love you anyway

– No Excuses – AiC

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6 Comments

  1. Kate the Peon said,

    Oh, Nanner. I’m sorry the potential is gone. I’m sorry the potential wasn’t lived into. I’m sorry you’re here, again.

  2. blackpunkin said,

    Well, fuck, me too Katey, but admitting it, especially to myself, makes me feel better.

  3. Vince said,

    I got a lot to say so I’ll email you. I have to compose my thoughts properly first.

  4. Michael said,

    I’m sorry too… Hope you work everything out.

    Who’s A/C? Is that half of the band AC/DC? ’cause even half those guys would kick ass.

  5. Inanna said,

    Vince, its all good. Like I said, just admitting that it bothered me leads me in the right direction.

    Mikey, It’s A”i” C not A/C. And that would be Alice in Chains. Things will work out, whichever way they work out.

  6. Juan Morales said,

    Well, you’re way out ahead on this one. Most people would sit around moping about blaming themselves, think it was was all their fault or something they did. . . generally wallowing in a vat of self centered bullshit. You have wisely chosen not to do that. Bravo Nanna.

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