Meltdown

March 20, 2007 at 1:05 am (Memories, The House)

1,000 t-shirts later, I’m exhausted. My body didn’t have time to become re-acclimated to the rigors of shop work and I’m feelin’ it and I’ll feel it again tomorrow when we do the left chest on the same 1,000 shirts.

But, I’m also upset. I’m upset because I went to my house and I can’t get in. I can’t get in because they installed new doors and I don’t have a key yet. I know the guys thought I wouldn’t be back for a few days because of my work schedule. I wouldn’t be back when they were there is what I should have said.

I can’t handle being locked out of my own house. Sometimes I just go there and putter around, sometimes I go there and cry, sometimes I visit with the energies of my beloved pets, and not having access to the interior of my home whenever I want, pisses me off.

I know none of them would have done this on purpose. They probably would have never dreamed that after 11 ½ hours of working at the shop that I would get a wild hair to visit my home and my pets.

They’re still there because I can feel them there. Sometimes it is very strong and sometimes not so strong, but they’re there and although I know they’re dead, I can’t stand not being able to get to them. Like the night of the fire.

They were the only reason I opened the door. Sometimes, I can still see them there, where they were when I left, and where I found them. It is still really hard sometimes. I miss them and when I’m gone for a while, I feel their energies much stronger when I return, as though I’m returning from a trip and everyone is coming to see me. Who’s to say they don’t miss us too?

And I have to face all of the questions in my mind about how and why and did any of them suffer, knowing I’ll never have any answers but asking anyway. I’m trying to bite this off into little chunks so I don’t get blindsided when I move back.

And not having access to my house has triggered this insane upset inside of me, this helplessness, this need to be there, to make sure … that no one or nothing is safe from harm other than a bunch of well used tools and my memories.

But they’re my memories, damnit! And that is MY SPACE! As open as I am here, my space is my space and I’m very much a nester, I’m half a water sign for fuck’s sake, hearth and home folks. That Sag in me only pertains to my wanderlust, the rest of me is a homebody with a serious case of hermit fever.

Sometimes, I just want to be in my space.

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8 Comments

  1. cybele said,

    Where you are IS your space, honey. Your sweeties are trying to reassure you that they still love you. They are not doing a great job of it, apparantly, because it has made you anxious instead of comfortable. Forgive them for traumatizing you; I think they are just trying to say ‘goodbye’ and ‘thank you for being our mama’.

    For what it’s worth.

    xox

  2. Vince said,

    I know what you mean. I’ve got a strong sense of MINE when it comes to my house. Don’t nobody tell me what to do with my place. Everyone needs a place to call theirs. Like you said, I’m sure it was not intentional, but they got to give you access quick.

  3. restless angel said,

    I think your babies want you to know they will always love you. I don’t think the guys intentionally locked you out, either. Hopefully you’ve been able to get in.

  4. se7en said,

    Sending hugs and smiles!

  5. Vickie said,

    Aw gosh, it breaks my heart to read this. I have loved all my pets over the years and still mourn their loss even as I get others. My husband and I have been married a very long time. We were able to have only one child, but have been blessed with many pets, all of whom have meant, and mean, so much to us. All my best–

  6. Tina said,

    (((hugs))) What you just said was beautiful and straight from the soul. You told me once that Janis and Raven knew they were loved and that I will know when they are around. I know the same applies to your babies. Love ya, man.

  7. Liz said,

    Those pets are your guardian and I can understand how you feel. I also understand that not being able to get into your home, even if it is to just go inside and sit, is necessary for your healing also. I am sure they didn’t mean to lock you out. Maybe there is someone you can call, who can make sure you get the keys to your home, right away.

  8. Inanna said,

    Cybele – I really don’t feel as though this is my space. When people come over I offer for them to sit on the couch I don’t own, prop their feet up on a table I don’t own, and watch a TV that I don’t own. I know my babies love me but I still have to work through their death and let go of some things.

    Vince – I do very much have a sense of my space and where I’m comfortable and where I feel at home. This place, ain’t it.

    RA, thanks and no, the guys didn’t do it on purpose.

    Se7en, and Lord and Lady knows I could use some.

    Thank you, Vickie.

    Beanie, wow, and I thought it was just T-Bird who reminded me of what I have said in the past. I guess I never really knew if it ever helped until someone said it back to me. Thanks dude. I love ya!

    You’re right, Liz. I know my babies will always be with me and interestingly enough, the Goddess Inanna is often portrayed with lions as her protectors.

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