Bad Dream

March 13, 2007 at 8:50 pm (Crazy Shit, Memories, The House)

The second day after the fire, the morning of the afternoon of Asshat, I had a dream. It was one of those short yet powerful psychotic episodes.  In the dream, it was though I was speaking to myself. I was dressed as I had been since the fire… camo pants, a black insulated jacket, work boots, and the Steelers toboggan that Aimee got me for my birthday while we were in Pittsburgh.

 My hand is criss-crossed with two big blue bandages to keep my blister from popping and getting infected. I am covered in soot from head to toe, my nose is red, and I have that lost look. I have a picture if Stacey would just send it to me.

 The dream started from my own perspective and I was looking at my hands, which for some reason, I did a lot of during this time period in real life. Then the perspective changed and it was though I was looking at myself.

 I said, to myself, “Look at you! You shouldn’t be here! This is why no man loves you.”

 I woke up, hurt and angry, ready to fight anyone. And it still hurts.

 My mind took that dream and ran with it all day. When I looked into my yard, I saw other women standing there, with their arms crossed against the bitter cold, but clean and fragile. They were watching their men do what I was doing and all they had to do was stand there and look pretty.

 The mind plays tricks on you. I’ve been hurt a lot in my life, but I don’t think anything has wounded me as deep as that dream did.

 I know I do what I have to do, regardless of gender role whatever because if i don’t, it won’t get done.  My friends and family helped all they could. I wouldn’t let my dad come down because he has asbestosis and silicosis. I’m a two pack a day smoker, now, and it hurt my lungs and my eyes to be in some of the rooms, especially the computer room. I wasn’t about to let him come down there in that mess.

My brother, fuck, he didn’t even call me, my sister-in-law did, and he still hasn’t spoken to me, regardless of the fact I was at his son’s birthday party this weekend. Steve, Stacey, and my cousin helped the most right after the fire and then when they got the burned out stuff cleaned out, my dad came down and hauled a bunch of stuff away (fridges, washer, dryer, etc. for the metal).

 But, the majority of it, fell to me. And wouldn’t it? I’m the one who knew where everything was. I knew where to look for the pendant that Troy bought me, the photo album from Germany, the prayer rug, etc. etc.

But, let’s be honest, that dream was nothing more than my own deep fears that I am truly just not loveable. Not feminine enough and unwilling to take on a fragility that doesn’t exist out-ward-ly. And also my fears that no man will ever give two shits enough to find the fragility underneath and if he does, well, Steve, need I say more?

 It was a dream of a loss of faith. I told my Lady the other day, “I don’t know why this happened, but it had better be good and worth it.”

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15 Comments

  1. Old Horsetail Snake said,

    Well, you know what they say — everything happens for a reason.

    (To which I say “bullshit.” Ain’t no way that burning you out has a reason, unless it’s for bad.)

    Don’t be hard on yourself, Nanner. You just HAVE to put this in the category of “So it goes,” and get on with life.

    Wish I could give you a hug. Tell you what, I am sending a mental hug. Should be a nice one.

  2. Jammie J said,

    Sorry, honey, but that dream is bullshit. You’re finding the wrong men because you’re looking in the wrong place for the right one. If I were to interpret the dream, I would say it’s telling you to raise your standards and find a real man. A man that’s real enough to handle a real woman.

    You need to find your Tony. 🙂

    xoxo

  3. cybele said,

    Damn, girl, would you just LET GO of that wortheless Steve already? He’s done more than Jeff has to fuck with you.

    Look: Let Asshat raze the place and come to Baltimore. There are lotsof WONDERFUL men here, one who appreciate women who aren’t afraid to get their hands dirty.

    You are loveable. Love yourself enough to demand better of the people who surround you. Or get some better people.

    xox

  4. Nanner said,

    Hoss, thanks.

    Jammie McFarty J – I think you got the last one.

    Cybele, ya know, T-Bird almost fell over the other day when I told her I hadn’t called Steve at work for two days straight. When she asked how I was doing with that I said, “Well, I just didn’t want to talk and didn’t want to talk to him. I just don’t feel like it.”

  5. Ashley said,

    I read this yesterday and went away with the intention of tihnking of something uplifting and helpful to say. I came up with nothing.

    The fact thaty ou think you are not loveable is completely innaccurate. One day you will find him or he will find you and you will be incredibly happy. You are already loved by so many. The fact that we all care this much about you and most (?) of us have never met you speaks volumes about who you are as a person.

    *hugs*

  6. Julie said,

    You are loveable. You just haven’t found the right kind of guy yet, the kind that appreciates a strong woman, a survivor. Those guys are special, few and far between. You should know, you’re raising one – Nate is different than most boys his age (in a good way), isn’t he? You will find your guy, Nanner. Just because he’s a little late on the scene doesn’t mean he’s never gonna show.

    Dreams are sometimes no more than our deepest fears reflected back at us when we’re at our most vulnerable and can’t push them aside. That’s all this was, m’dear.

  7. blackpunkin said,

    Ashley, I went away from YOUR post wishing I had something more uplifting to say. Heavens, I was feeling sorry for myself yesterday with grief, pain, hurt, and anger all rolled up into one. I was not pretty to be around.

    Julez, now see, what you said about the dream is what I wanted to say but couldn’t say because I didn’t have my noggin on straight. And I was kinda angry at myself for letting that part out to beat up on the other part of me. As you would say, “Feh.”

  8. Serra said,

    Yeah, baby, what they all said! You’ll find yours–and there’s a reason for you to endure the journey.

  9. kenju said,

    Hoss had a point and so did Jamie. You may be looking for love in the wrong places. Of course, it could have been bad karma from previous times.

    You need to quit smoking.

  10. Vince said,

    Nanner my dear, you’re my kind of woman. Granted, I ain’t in the market, but still, I gotta believe there’s other guys out there like me that would appreciate a woman like you. It ain’t about the outside appearance. It ain’t about being strong or being weak. It ain’t about being feminine.

    You got something special in you. Don’t ask me what it is, I can’t put my finger on it. But something about you draws me here and makes me care about you despite we’ve never met in person. And if I can see all that in you, then there must be others that can too.

    And who says you ain’t lovable. Nate loves you, right? And not just cause your his mom. You’re as lovealbe as every other human being out there. And one of these days the man that can really appreciate you WILL show up, when you least expect it.

    Love you babe.

  11. restless angel said,

    A little bit of all the above fom here, luv. We’ve never met in person, but I do care…. I hope you aren’t beatin’ yourself up as bad now. I know, highs and lows…. which is okay.

    Sendin’ you and Nate both more hugs…

  12. Inanna said,

    Serra, *smooch*

    Kenju, maybe I need an exorcism… 😛 Oh yeah, and to quit smoking.

    Vince, you say the kindest things…. again, too bad you’re off the market!

    RA, naw, I can only handle beating up on myself so long then I have to start beating up on other people. Terrible affliction.

  13. Liz said,

    Ah, sometimes dreams mean the opposite of what you are seeing. Sometimes it can be as simple as a symbol in the dream that might have meaning. Don’t be so hard on your self. A lot of men like women that can handle themselves, that can do tasks without fear of breaking a nail or getting dirty. A lot of men like that independance. You should feel proud that you are that strong and can handle and have the know how to do the things that you do. Hang in there sweetie, we are all cheering for you.

  14. Juan Morales said,

    It’s tough being a shit magnet.

    It’s tough not being able to show vulnerability.

    It’s tough not being able to accept a “good guy. . . ” always looking for that “bad boy.”

    Life is tough.

  15. I Need A Beer « Anything Goes said,

    […] me .5 mg the night of the fire and the night after to help me sleep. The second morning I had a horrible dream and I refused to ever take another of those devil pills. I know when Jeff is on a binge that he […]

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