Somebody Took My Angel

November 13, 2006 at 12:06 am (AZ, Black Stone Cherry, Crazy Shit, Shop)

Kevin’s services are back-to-back tomorrow, starting at 11, ending at 1 with the funeral. I try to remember that it won’t really be Kevin in the casket. The essence that inhabited that body and made him “Kevin” and no one else, has crossed over. I guess that’s a good theory but we all know different. I know no one else on Earth with that same smile, that same walk, the same mannerisms, the same laugh. So, yeah, that’s really a crock of shit.

I downloaded Black Stone Cherry’s EP, “Hell and High Water,” which has “Hell and High Water,” and two other unreleased songs on it, “Big City Lights” and “We Are the Kings.”

Listening this morning, before I started writing this, “Big City Lights” made me start crying.

“Big City Lights don’t shine for me no more.

You know somebody took my angel

and now she’s gone for sure.

She saved somebody else but couldn’t save herself,

Big City Lights don’t shine for me no more.”

Its a bluesy rock song, my favorite and it’s sad and worth a download over at iTunes or Rhapsody, and it fits my feelings right now. “Hell and High Water” just reminds me, again, that it’s okay to be there for people but let them be there for you too.

Among family, I’ve experienced this same kind of grief, especially when my grandparents crossed over. But it reminds me of when our band director in high school crossed suddenly from a heart attack. Its the same kind of shock to see him on Friday telling us all he’d see us on Monday and then dying over the weekend. When Markie’s husband died of a heart attack, when Marvin was killed in a car accident, when Jaimie was killed in a car accident. Sudden. It doesn’t get any easier.

Obituaries are really useless.

I’m totally not with it today. Not since seeing the obituary. Nate and I went to run errands. I turned left on a red light. Yeah. Turned LEFT, I just wasn’t thinking. Then, I almost locked the keys in the car. I’m just not thinking straight. That useless obituary just flipped me over again. I just lit a cigarette with one already burning in the ashtray.

At least the others, there was a reason. A reason.

I still want to talk to Kevin. I still think when I walk into the shop that he’s going to be there, wiping his hands on a rag, drinking a Bud Light, cracking jokes, acting goofy, pulling ink, running the press, burning the screens, lining up the screens, reviewing artwork with a cigarette between his fingers, complaining about kidney stones in his pecker, eating Ramen noodles and burritos as big as his head, the horribly faded black t-shirt he wore all the time, his ballcap, his smile, his laugh.

How could this happen? How could he stand there with Ramen noodles hanging out his mouth like worms, cutting up, making all us laugh, and then just… not be here anymore?

And life goes on. Laundry to do. Calls to make. Beadwork to finish. Pictures to take. Articles to write. A life to pull back together. Just, so hard today.

******

I’ve talked to Bob, Rich, and Stacey. We’re all making plans to be at the shop early because there is a 500 piece that has to go out. Stacey said Steve had mentioned NOT going to the services because of this order. We all said, “My ass.” Rich’s sister is coming too, so we’ll have full staff. Bob is recovering from back surgery so we’ll put him on the phones. I guess I haven’t mentioned that he’s no longer on painkillers and such and he’s back to being normal Bob. It has been a blessing.

Maybe Steve won’t go. Maybe he can’t handle it. I don’t know. People deal in different ways. I try to remember that and respect it but another part of me feels as though he just needs to be there.

Crazy shit has been happening all day, besides the ill advised left turn on red and almost locking my keys in my car. For one, I’ve been locking myself IN my car all day. I never lock my car doors when I’m inside, no matter how many times my Mom reminds me. Only on very rare occasions do I do that and I guess this has been a rare occasion day. The problem is, I don’t remember doing it.

I lost my debit card again. This is nothing new, trust me. Neither is losing my keys, but I’ve been doing so much better at it, it has been a shock not to find them by the door where I’ve conditioned myself to put them. Right now, I have no idea where they are. They may still be in the lock for all I know.

And then, there was the light. I was driving down a side street toward the gas station to pick up a pack of cigarettes for T-Bird when I saw a van in front of me stopped on the wrong side of the road, its taillights towards me. At the same time a huge red light appeared in my car and jumped from the back to the front, leaving a trail like a shooting star. If you’ve ever watched streetlights from the back window of a car, you’ll understand what I mean, except it was INSIDE the car. It all happened very fast, right before I passed the van and as I drove past it I looked in my side windows for the source but that’s when I felt the surge of electricity and thought I had been hit with a laser beam or something. Then it dawned on me that laser beams are not the size of a pack of cigarettes and could not have possibly made that type of arc inside the car.

I thought it was the taillights of the van but they were IN FRONT of me, not behind me and they were more like parking lights, not like they had the brake on so they weren’t as bright as this light was. I went on to the gas station and then I drove back down the street I had just come up on. The van was gone but I noticed the house either had Halloween lights up or early Christmas lights so I turned around and came back up exactly as I had before. I drove under streetlights, behind people stopping at stop signs, beside, behind, around and could not duplicate that odd light inside my car.

I’ve driven since I was 17 years old. In every weather condition imaginable, in darkness, in light, at dusk, at dawn, in the country, in the city, back seat, front seat, passenger seat, driver’s seat, intoxicated, and sober and I’ve never seen anything like it. Well, that’s not exactly true. I saw the light in my house once. It was like a roman candle spark hovering over the couch in the living room with the sparks pulsing out from it with no discernable source. Just like I knew that was my grandmother, I know that red light in my car was Kevin. The right side of my body still has an odd tingle. But, I’m odd anyway.

And everything has been red today. The red light I turned left on, and the car that almost hit us when I did, yeah, it was red. I found my red underwear. My lighter is red. The disk on my desk is red. The crossing bars came down in front of us and the lights are red. The cigarettes I picked up for T-Bird, Marlboro Mediums in a red box. There’s a big red bead in my pocket. The light inside my car was RED. Its been a very red day. *Sigh*

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Not Kidding!

November 10, 2006 at 9:32 pm (Attitude in Overdrive, Crazy Shit)

You know, losing someone like we’ve lost Kevin, it really puts your mind in a strange spot. It seems like I can’t live enough. The weather has been glorious, a remembrance of 9-11, but it was 11-9, which I found odd. I can’t get enough of the sun and the wind and I look up a lot.

The five of us remaining have stayed in touch throughout the day, calling each other, stopping to see each other, but after a brief rehash of our disbelief and an update on what the detective said, and more morbid things like autopsies and test results, we become suspended in an animation. It is as though we cannot stand being apart, constantly checking to make sure the other four are still around and they’re okay, but not being able to be together because we become lost in our own thoughts, wanting to speak but not knowing what to say. We exist now in a numb grief. Maybe hoping someone will say something, find a hidden clue which will make all of this make sense.

Yesterday, after we had spent our tears and still in shock, Stacey asked me if I was hungry and I said I was but I had to pick up Nate and T-Bird. He confided that he was meeting a lady friend and was inviting me along. Huh? What followed was an exploration of his relationship with his current girlfriend and why for fuck’s sake he was seeking other company. Not that I didn’t already know… but, thought I’d like to hear it from him.

Then what I dealt with was an overwhelming surge of jealousy and disappointment. I adore Stacey, even if he is a Scorpio. We’ve been thick as thieves since the day we met and I have come to abhor, in ways, the closeness brought about by friendship instead of the intimacies of a relationship. So, I told him about it today.

I even shocked myself and its not easy to shock me. And its not easy for me to shock me.

I called and asked him how things went with his “lady friend.” He said, “Good.” Without a single thought, without a single whimper or whine I just told him that I was flat out jealous.

He laughed a little and asked, “Why are you jealous?”

“Because it’s not me.” I didn’t say it in a mean way or even an accusing way, I was just very, very firm and straightforward, as in, there was no doubt that I wasn’t joking. I’m sure I heard his mouth drop open over the phone. I asked him exactly what I had to do to stop being overlooked as a woman by my male friends and that if things with his lady friend didn’t work out then I would expect him to look a little closer to the inner circle the next time. I think I said more but I was in some kind of zone and I don’t really remember what I said, which I hate. It was exactly like what happens when I read cards. I rarely remember anything because it’s more a channeling experience than something else.

His response was an odd assortment of, “OMFG!” and “OKAY! I… I… uhhh… well… OKAY!” and “I’m sorry!”

Then I merely reverted back to, “Okay, I’ll call if I hear anything. Have a great weekend sweetie.” He wished me the same and I snapped my phone shut and looked at T-Bird with her mouth hanging down and said, “Well, I guess that was direct enough.”

“Ya think?”

I’m not really sure what prompted that burst of honesty. I’m not sure at all but I’m pretty sure his name is Kevin and he’s meddling. I’m not too sure that I mind. I’m not sure of anything right now. Well, I’m pretty sure that it felt good today to just lay it out and not have any remorse or fear. That’s really big for me.

I’ve had this problem before of guys laughing, like I’m joking, when I try to tell them how I feel, like I couldn’t possibly feel that way about them… and come to think of it, I’ve probably done the same to guys, especially someone whom I’ve adored and couldn’t possibly believe they feel the same way about me… but that Violator Girl reared up in me today and I made sure that Stacey knew… no, I’M NOT KIDDING. And if I don’t kiss him soon I’m going to explode into a ball of flames.

Life’s too short for him to exist in misery in his current situation and it’s too short for me not to lay it out and take a chance. Did I tell ya’ll he’s like my twin? He is the male version of me. Kinda scary, huh?

I’m not sure what happened today. I’m not even sure of what I said only that I needed to say it. I think I had help but that’s okay. But, I am very sure, I wasn’t kidding.

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Not Making Any Sense

November 10, 2006 at 12:18 am (AZ, Shop)

Thank you for all of your comments.  I really appreciate you all.

 I just got off the phone with Steve.  He’s asked me to do what I was going to do anyway and that is follow up with the police in the both the city and the county.  None of this makes any sense.  The shock is still here, with all of us, Steve, Rich, Bob, Stacey, and me. But once it started wearing off a little, we all stepped back and said, “Not Kevin.”

Maybe we’re all wishing with all our might that Kevin didn’t do this to himself, but in all our hearts, we are questioning whether Kevin’s ex-girlfriend, who had felony charges pending against her, her new boyfriend, a crackhead, and her son, had anything to do with this.

We, collectively, won’t rest until we’re 100% positive that Kevin did this to himself.  It just doesn’t make any sense.  It’s hard because Steve is out of town and he can’t talk to me and Bob and Stacey together, just piecing things together from the outside, but I know that Kevin asked me if I wanted to have some margartias with him this Friday after work and I told him I couldn’t because I had Nate but we could do it next Friday.  Who makes fucking plans like that and then three hours later walks away and doesn’t come home? 

That’s not Kevin. That’s not the Kevin I knew. That’s not the Kevin I left at the shop Wednesday evening, laughing and smiling and loving on me.  It doesn’t make any sense.

Kevin was a trip, over-dramatic, over the top, Kevin.  And he’s just going to quietly go into his backyard and kill himself?  WTF?  And where HIS MOM, his disabled mother that he lived with and helped take care of mere feet away, could have found him?  My ass. 

When Bob called me, when I heard his voice, I knew Kevin was dead.  The first fleeting thought was … he was murdered and then Bob said he had hung himself and that’s what I went with. But, I called back and I asked Bob, “Are they SURE?”  Bob said, “They found him in his own yard.” Like THAT makes a difference!  And then I tried to wrap my head around the fact that Kevin killed himself and then Stacey and I sat down, well, we hugged very tightly for a long time and then we sat down, and neither of us believe, at this point, that Kevin did this alone.

Steve doesn’t either.  Bob knows they threatened Kevin. Two police agencies are involved, one for the assault against Kevin by his ex and one for what happened today.  Tomorrow, it will be my job to make sure they hook up.  Maybe we’re all grasping at straws, anything to help us deal with this, but, it just doesn’t make any sense. 

I won’t rest until I know for sure.  Maybe in the coming days, weeks, or months, we’ll all have to accept that our friend made a terrible mistake, a terrible decision, and took his own life.  But for now, I won’t accept it.  Not until I know that bitch wasn’t involved.

Hell hath no fury like a broken-hearted Peach.

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Devastated

November 9, 2006 at 3:57 pm (Crazy Shit, Shop)

I got a call this morning about 11:30. It was from Rich, one of the guys that works at the screen printing shop. He wanted to know if I had heard from Kevin, our head printer. He was AWOL again. I told him I hadn’t but I sighed because Kevin was getting worse about not showing up for work. Steve is out of town with his Nanna, who is very ill. I told Rich I would make sure Kevin had a ride to work if he called. Then Rich said, “Oh, he’s been missing since seven last night, just so you know.”

That couldn’t be good, now could it?

At 1:30 this afternoon, Bob, the other printer called. I asked what was going on and he said, “It’s not good.”  And I knew. I knew right then. He didn’t even have to tell me that Kevin was dead. He didn’t have to tell me that Kevin had killed himself.

It was like someone opened a trap door and I fell through it, like Alice down a rabbit hole. Now, I’m laying at the bottom of it. Devastated. Just yesterday he followed me out of the shop and asked, “Can I have one more hug?”  I hugged him tight and he said, “I could spend two whole days hugging you and never get tired of it. I love ya girl.” I said, “I love you too, bud.”  

Right before I got in my car, I looked back at him, standing in the doorway with his faded shirt and bagging shorts, “Love ya, see ya, bye, bye!”  Thats how we always said bye and he answered me and then struck a pose, which made me laugh out loud. Now he’s gone. How could this happen?

I can’t write anything else right now. I’ll be back when I can.

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Guess What Ya’ll

November 8, 2006 at 1:11 am (Black Stone Cherry, My Travels)

The Peach is a travelin’ peach and uses any excuse she can to travel far and wide… yep.  Its VEGAS BABY!!! Dec. 1st through the 4th, well, I fly out at 7:00 a.m. on Monday morning… Oh, yeah, and I’m seeing BLACK STONE CHERRY there AND my friend Kim and her husband Matt will be there as Kim’s birthday is the same night as the BSC show!  I met them in Atlanta.

I’m looking forward to the Bellagio Fountains, the Flamingo, a tour of Haunted Las Vegas, Vegas Beads, and just being in the happiest place on Earth besides Disneyland plus seeing my guys again and helping Kim celebrate her birthday, my life is blessed.  My life totally ROCKS! 

Carpe Diem, my friends!  Carpe Diem!

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What a Wonderful World (NATE MADE THE “B” HONOR ROLL!)

November 5, 2006 at 9:28 pm (Memories)

Well, a little over 12 hours ago I dropped Aimee at the airport to catch her flight back to San Fran, then drove home. I was very tired but also very happy to have spent some time with Aimee and to have met Julie and Rick and help Regan and Kevin celebrate their nuptials. Wow, what a shindig! And of course, because I’m the Peach and Aimee is Aimee and Julie is Julie, some irreverence had to take place.

With extreme forethought, Regan placed us at the table with the dude who gave the dinner blessing, leading us to believe he was a minster. I tried to mind my manners, but somehow misplaced them. I really did try to keep a civil tongue in my head but when they brought that small calf of sacrifice (roast beef), I couldn’t help but say, “HOLY SHIT!” Bwhwhahahahahahahaha. And yes, I did dance with Santa Claus who was a very good dancer to have had both of his legs crushed at some point. And, I asked him and he was gracious enough to indulge me. I have boobs, it helps.

The music was just faboo. Older and newer jazz and R& B tunes including, “A Kiss to Build A Dream On,” “What a Wonderful World,” and “Georgia On My Mind.” Ya’ll might be surprised to find that deep down, somewhere, Nanner is actually quite romantic in subtle ways. If you want Nanner to melt into a big pile of Peach mush at your feet, play this kind of music. It would be kind of hard to dance with me as a big pile of Peach mush, but it is possible. Ask Julie. I’m sure some peeps thought we were a couple or were confused to see us dancing cheek to cheek and then her dancing with Rick… oh well. She looked HAWT by the way. See. regans-wedding-001.jpg

And Aimee and I looked darling and Regan, she was just beautiful beyond words. Her brother Evan gave the funniest and, ahem, tear inducing toasts I’ve ever heard. It included the word “nipples.” You can only imagine. But yes, I did get a bit teary-eyed cuz I’m a big pile of Peach mush. It’s wonderful to see my friends happy and glowing. Regan also hooked me up with a jewelry store owner, not sure if anything will come of it but its an opportunity and when opportunity knocks, I open the door. regans-wedding-002.jpg

 regans-wedding-006.jpg

(PSSSST! NATE MADE THE “B” HONOR ROLL!)

But, that was Saturday night and Friday night was interesting as Aimee had her flights changed and that turned out to be a good thing due to some problems with one of my articles and then I thought she was coming in at 9:15 and it was actually 8:04 or something like that and I was still in WV at 5:00 and it’s a 3 1/2 hour drive. Did you do the math? However, because we rock, when Aimee called me and asked where I was, I was exactly 4 miles from the exit to the airport. Yes, we rock. Then we tried to find Rick and Julie and couldn’t and were hungry so we ate. I was checking out our hot, hot waiter. Yum. And then we slept.

And Saturday Julie, Aimee, and I set out in search of Terrible Towels and Steeler sweatshirts. Then we ate a lot of food and had a lot of drinkage on the table, as in water, coffee, tea and concoctions of Sprite and fruit juice and just plain orange juice. Then we went to Target and I found some hawt boots and then off we went in search of yarn and I was inspired to learn to crochet… you know… since I HAVE SO MUCH TIME TO LEARN A NEW CRAFT! I found the Wal*Mart later and got a “Learn to Crochet” book. You know, you CAN crochet with beads…. and I found some cool camo pants and wanted to dress in my new hawt combat looking boots, camos, and my Black Stone Cherry t-shirt as I had warned Regan I might but I didn’t. I wore them later and Regan showed her cleavage. See. regans-wedding-008.jpg

Then after the reception we all knitted and crocheted and talked and just chilled out and spent time together and that is a cool thing. I love you guys! It’s a change for me to actually have peeps to hang out with who are into crafts the same way I am or just hang out with peeps who want to laugh and cut-up and have a good time. Trust me, the minute I walked through T-Bird’s door to pick up my house key, it was a 15 minute speech on why her weekend was so shitty. I came home and wrote four pages about my trip to Columbus which I posted over at WordPress but it’s posted under “Friends” so if you’re not added as a friend, you can’t read it. I might post it here tomorrow.

Oh, and NATE MADE THE “B” HONOR ROLL! Yes, we’re so proud and he’s proud and there has been such a change in him, even since Friday morning. He seemed so mature and older when I picked him up today and Jeff was actually very civil and talkative. Oh, what a wonderful world….

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Goats, Orcas, Orchids, and Extreme Facial Hair

November 2, 2006 at 9:01 pm (Black Stone Cherry, Memories)

Unfortunately, none of that translates well to paper, so, wish you could have been there. What a riot!

I am beat and the night is yet young. Remember, WVU game tonight and Nate has an assload of homework and I have to pack for Pittsburgh. Luckily, I pack very light. One suitcase, two pairs of pants, two shirts, toothbrush, toothpaste, and a hairbrush, which is in my car. My contacts are at the bottom of Stacey’s Durango, I think I stuck my make-up in my beading stuff and I doubt I’ll put it on since I toted it all the way to Columbus and didn’t. I rarely wear underwear so why worry now. I guess though, since I’m sharing a room with Aimee, I should wash my nighties instead of walking around skyclad.

I’m not sure which I wear less… make-up, nighties, or underwear. Perhaps I should conduct a study. I shall need a research assistant. Anyone interested?

I have a lot of great memories from my trip to Columbus and I found out some things about myself and others but you only need to know about me, not the others. I’ll get around to it once I’m not trying to finish up four articles and do all the other shite I have to do. Oh, yeah, I should probably CLEAN OUT MY CAR and, I dunno, remember where and when I’m supposed to pick up Aimee and print directions or at least, maybe, write them down. Oh, and sleep would be really NICE. I’m tired but happy. Very happy.

Ya know, I’ll probably pack more beads than clothes for this trip. But, I guess that’s nothing new. I’ll be around soon to see what everyone has been up to. Oh, and I’ll have pictures… at least of a half pound cream puff.

 *THIS JUST IN!   I WON AN AUTOGRAPHED POSTER FROM BLACK STONE CHERRY FOR MACKING OUT MY MYSPACE BLOG! GO ME! GO ME! GO ME! IT’S ALMOST MY BIRTHDAY!*

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