Kevin’s services are back-to-back tomorrow, starting at 11, ending at 1 with the funeral. I try to remember that it won’t really be Kevin in the casket. The essence that inhabited that body and made him “Kevin” and no one else, has crossed over. I guess that’s a good theory but we all know different. I know no one else on Earth with that same smile, that same walk, the same mannerisms, the same laugh. So, yeah, that’s really a crock of shit.
I downloaded Black Stone Cherry’s EP, “Hell and High Water,” which has “Hell and High Water,” and two other unreleased songs on it, “Big City Lights” and “We Are the Kings.”
Listening this morning, before I started writing this, “Big City Lights” made me start crying.
“Big City Lights don’t shine for me no more.
You know somebody took my angel
and now she’s gone for sure.
She saved somebody else but couldn’t save herself,
Big City Lights don’t shine for me no more.”
Its a bluesy rock song, my favorite and it’s sad and worth a download over at iTunes or Rhapsody, and it fits my feelings right now. “Hell and High Water” just reminds me, again, that it’s okay to be there for people but let them be there for you too.
Among family, I’ve experienced this same kind of grief, especially when my grandparents crossed over. But it reminds me of when our band director in high school crossed suddenly from a heart attack. Its the same kind of shock to see him on Friday telling us all he’d see us on Monday and then dying over the weekend. When Markie’s husband died of a heart attack, when Marvin was killed in a car accident, when Jaimie was killed in a car accident. Sudden. It doesn’t get any easier.
Obituaries are really useless.
I’m totally not with it today. Not since seeing the obituary. Nate and I went to run errands. I turned left on a red light. Yeah. Turned LEFT, I just wasn’t thinking. Then, I almost locked the keys in the car. I’m just not thinking straight. That useless obituary just flipped me over again. I just lit a cigarette with one already burning in the ashtray.
At least the others, there was a reason. A reason.
I still want to talk to Kevin. I still think when I walk into the shop that he’s going to be there, wiping his hands on a rag, drinking a Bud Light, cracking jokes, acting goofy, pulling ink, running the press, burning the screens, lining up the screens, reviewing artwork with a cigarette between his fingers, complaining about kidney stones in his pecker, eating Ramen noodles and burritos as big as his head, the horribly faded black t-shirt he wore all the time, his ballcap, his smile, his laugh.
How could this happen? How could he stand there with Ramen noodles hanging out his mouth like worms, cutting up, making all us laugh, and then just… not be here anymore?
And life goes on. Laundry to do. Calls to make. Beadwork to finish. Pictures to take. Articles to write. A life to pull back together. Just, so hard today.
I’ve talked to Bob, Rich, and Stacey. We’re all making plans to be at the shop early because there is a 500 piece that has to go out. Stacey said Steve had mentioned NOT going to the services because of this order. We all said, “My ass.” Rich’s sister is coming too, so we’ll have full staff. Bob is recovering from back surgery so we’ll put him on the phones. I guess I haven’t mentioned that he’s no longer on painkillers and such and he’s back to being normal Bob. It has been a blessing.
Maybe Steve won’t go. Maybe he can’t handle it. I don’t know. People deal in different ways. I try to remember that and respect it but another part of me feels as though he just needs to be there.
Crazy shit has been happening all day, besides the ill advised left turn on red and almost locking my keys in my car. For one, I’ve been locking myself IN my car all day. I never lock my car doors when I’m inside, no matter how many times my Mom reminds me. Only on very rare occasions do I do that and I guess this has been a rare occasion day. The problem is, I don’t remember doing it.
I lost my debit card again. This is nothing new, trust me. Neither is losing my keys, but I’ve been doing so much better at it, it has been a shock not to find them by the door where I’ve conditioned myself to put them. Right now, I have no idea where they are. They may still be in the lock for all I know.
And then, there was the light. I was driving down a side street toward the gas station to pick up a pack of cigarettes for T-Bird when I saw a van in front of me stopped on the wrong side of the road, its taillights towards me. At the same time a huge red light appeared in my car and jumped from the back to the front, leaving a trail like a shooting star. If you’ve ever watched streetlights from the back window of a car, you’ll understand what I mean, except it was INSIDE the car. It all happened very fast, right before I passed the van and as I drove past it I looked in my side windows for the source but that’s when I felt the surge of electricity and thought I had been hit with a laser beam or something. Then it dawned on me that laser beams are not the size of a pack of cigarettes and could not have possibly made that type of arc inside the car.
I thought it was the taillights of the van but they were IN FRONT of me, not behind me and they were more like parking lights, not like they had the brake on so they weren’t as bright as this light was. I went on to the gas station and then I drove back down the street I had just come up on. The van was gone but I noticed the house either had Halloween lights up or early Christmas lights so I turned around and came back up exactly as I had before. I drove under streetlights, behind people stopping at stop signs, beside, behind, around and could not duplicate that odd light inside my car.
I’ve driven since I was 17 years old. In every weather condition imaginable, in darkness, in light, at dusk, at dawn, in the country, in the city, back seat, front seat, passenger seat, driver’s seat, intoxicated, and sober and I’ve never seen anything like it. Well, that’s not exactly true. I saw the light in my house once. It was like a roman candle spark hovering over the couch in the living room with the sparks pulsing out from it with no discernable source. Just like I knew that was my grandmother, I know that red light in my car was Kevin. The right side of my body still has an odd tingle. But, I’m odd anyway.
And everything has been red today. The red light I turned left on, and the car that almost hit us when I did, yeah, it was red. I found my red underwear. My lighter is red. The disk on my desk is red. The crossing bars came down in front of us and the lights are red. The cigarettes I picked up for T-Bird, Marlboro Mediums in a red box. There’s a big red bead in my pocket. The light inside my car was RED. Its been a very red day. *Sigh*