Not Kidding!

November 10, 2006 at 9:32 pm (Attitude in Overdrive, Crazy Shit)

You know, losing someone like we’ve lost Kevin, it really puts your mind in a strange spot. It seems like I can’t live enough. The weather has been glorious, a remembrance of 9-11, but it was 11-9, which I found odd. I can’t get enough of the sun and the wind and I look up a lot.

The five of us remaining have stayed in touch throughout the day, calling each other, stopping to see each other, but after a brief rehash of our disbelief and an update on what the detective said, and more morbid things like autopsies and test results, we become suspended in an animation. It is as though we cannot stand being apart, constantly checking to make sure the other four are still around and they’re okay, but not being able to be together because we become lost in our own thoughts, wanting to speak but not knowing what to say. We exist now in a numb grief. Maybe hoping someone will say something, find a hidden clue which will make all of this make sense.

Yesterday, after we had spent our tears and still in shock, Stacey asked me if I was hungry and I said I was but I had to pick up Nate and T-Bird. He confided that he was meeting a lady friend and was inviting me along. Huh? What followed was an exploration of his relationship with his current girlfriend and why for fuck’s sake he was seeking other company. Not that I didn’t already know… but, thought I’d like to hear it from him.

Then what I dealt with was an overwhelming surge of jealousy and disappointment. I adore Stacey, even if he is a Scorpio. We’ve been thick as thieves since the day we met and I have come to abhor, in ways, the closeness brought about by friendship instead of the intimacies of a relationship. So, I told him about it today.

I even shocked myself and its not easy to shock me. And its not easy for me to shock me.

I called and asked him how things went with his “lady friend.” He said, “Good.” Without a single thought, without a single whimper or whine I just told him that I was flat out jealous.

He laughed a little and asked, “Why are you jealous?”

“Because it’s not me.” I didn’t say it in a mean way or even an accusing way, I was just very, very firm and straightforward, as in, there was no doubt that I wasn’t joking. I’m sure I heard his mouth drop open over the phone. I asked him exactly what I had to do to stop being overlooked as a woman by my male friends and that if things with his lady friend didn’t work out then I would expect him to look a little closer to the inner circle the next time. I think I said more but I was in some kind of zone and I don’t really remember what I said, which I hate. It was exactly like what happens when I read cards. I rarely remember anything because it’s more a channeling experience than something else.

His response was an odd assortment of, “OMFG!” and “OKAY! I… I… uhhh… well… OKAY!” and “I’m sorry!”

Then I merely reverted back to, “Okay, I’ll call if I hear anything. Have a great weekend sweetie.” He wished me the same and I snapped my phone shut and looked at T-Bird with her mouth hanging down and said, “Well, I guess that was direct enough.”

“Ya think?”

I’m not really sure what prompted that burst of honesty. I’m not sure at all but I’m pretty sure his name is Kevin and he’s meddling. I’m not too sure that I mind. I’m not sure of anything right now. Well, I’m pretty sure that it felt good today to just lay it out and not have any remorse or fear. That’s really big for me.

I’ve had this problem before of guys laughing, like I’m joking, when I try to tell them how I feel, like I couldn’t possibly feel that way about them… and come to think of it, I’ve probably done the same to guys, especially someone whom I’ve adored and couldn’t possibly believe they feel the same way about me… but that Violator Girl reared up in me today and I made sure that Stacey knew… no, I’M NOT KIDDING. And if I don’t kiss him soon I’m going to explode into a ball of flames.

Life’s too short for him to exist in misery in his current situation and it’s too short for me not to lay it out and take a chance. Did I tell ya’ll he’s like my twin? He is the male version of me. Kinda scary, huh?

I’m not sure what happened today. I’m not even sure of what I said only that I needed to say it. I think I had help but that’s okay. But, I am very sure, I wasn’t kidding.

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8 Comments

  1. Serra said,

    If you think you had a helping hand, then you very likely did. Good for you.

  2. Seamus said,

    Amazing how tragedy can shake us into living!

  3. Jen said,

    Good for you… it is important to just lay it out there. Hugs

  4. se7endog said,

    Wow, and lots of stuff going on with you. I hope you’re ok! =)

  5. Susanne said,

    I hope it works out for you Hun, I really do 🙂

  6. Vince said,

    Holy shit, I’m just catching up on all of this. Damn I’m so sorry. I know what it’s like to say goodbye to someone, see ya Monday kind of thing, and find out on Monday morning they’re gone. Though in my case it was a drunk driving accident.

    Good for you in laying it out to Stacey. Life’s too damn short.

    Call me if you need anything.

  7. kenju said,

    Honesty is always the best policy, Nanner. And BTW: suicide never makes sense. It is the cowards way out.

  8. Sara said,

    Been out of the loop for far too long. I am truly sorry about Kevin. I had to scroll down a bit to find out what happened. I hope you are ‘healing’ with the lose. Take care.

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