I’m Tired of the Rain…

September 19, 2006 at 10:43 pm (Black Stone Cherry, Nate)

I’m tired of the rain that’s fallin’

Fallin’ down on me

Please help me find some shelter

From the pain that’s pourin’ on me. (Black Stone Cherry)

(Yesterday’s post was inspired by my rambling talk with Ben of BSC. I was telling him about some great memories from rock concerts and it reminded me of Ray. Ben gives good hugs. I like hugs. I could use a good Ben hug right now.)

I wanted to post something upbeat and funny, I even had it written out, but, alas, time for affirmations and a pep talk to myself.

Jeff has reared his ugly alcoholic blaming rude head again. No need to go into the details. Suffice to say, I’ve had it up to my eyebrows. I understand he’s going through a hard time but he deals with it by getting drunk and being an ass. I hate hearing his slurring hateful words.

I try to let them roll off my back, like water off a duck’s feathers. I’m only one woman though and I think Jeff takes advantage of that. I am but one woman. I keep telling myself that something is going to change soon and either he’ll see the light, I’ll gather my courage and what money I have and move, or I’ll meet some wonderful man who I will love with all my heart and who will love me and Nate with all his heart and we’ll get married. Maybe all three. The last two are much more preferable as I have lost faith that Jeff will ever climb out of his dark dungeon to see any kind of light.

I don’t want to let myself feel this way. I don’t want to let his words affect me or make me doubt myself. I don’t want to feel sad or angry. I don’t want to cringe when I see his number. I just don’t want any of that. I’ve tried to work through it, around it, behind it, in front of it, and I’ve prayed. I’ve prayed a lot to every God, Goddess, Cherubim, Seraphim, and other Archangels, to please help me. Help me have courage, strength, and understanding.

And they answer…

This morning I was listening to Black Stone Cherry on the way to drop Nate off at school. The song playing was one of my favorites, “When the Weight Comes Down.” A lyric from the song says, “I miss those Georgia peaches.” I’m going to Atlanta to see Black Stone Cherry at the end of the month. When I parked my car to walk Nate to the door the car in front me had Georgia license plates with a big peach on it.

I guess a lot of people would say that it was merely coincidence. Coincidence that my nickname is Peaches, coincidence that the lyrics have Georgia peaches in them, coincidence that I’m going to Georgia, and coincidence when I looked up and saw Georgia license plates in WV? Since I’ve had some trepidation about going to Georgia that weekend, my car acting up, potential money problems, where to stay… it’s not coincidence. Those things are called SIGNS. How can people live without looking for synchronicity? How can people have any hope at all when they attribute everything to coincidence instead of the hand of a higher power?

Isn’t it funny what we hold onto to get us through the tough times? I just keep reminding myself that in less than two weeks I’ll be in Atlanta, visiting Regan, seeing BSC again, and for that moment in time, everything will be fine. And when things aren’t fine, it will be something to make me smile and hope for better things.

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11 Comments

  1. Jamie said,

    My mother is in one of her drunken stupors of late. But hers last for months, sometimes a year. She’ll be drunk more than not, and she totally forgets I exist unless she’s out of cigarettes and too drunk to move.

    Alcoholics are the worst kind of emotional drain on you. I once read an al anon thing that said the ONLY thing you can do is to let them deal with the consequences, and NOT react to them. Easier said than done. But it’s what I do. Around her, anyways, I act like it doesn’t matter, and I WON’T go get her ciggs. She has to wait till the next day and get them herself.

    She will someday realize she spends NO time with her grandkids and regret it. If not, we didn’t miss much, did we?

    Sistah, I feel ya!

  2. Jeanette said,

    I’m so sorry you’re in such a rough spot, you’re doing a great job of finding the good and holding onto it, though. Like Nate doing so well, for example.

    The SIGNS, interestingly, that’s typically the NF part of your personality type. In other words, NF’s do that more than the other types of personalities. 🙂

  3. Serra said,

    Hugging you tight…I’m lighting a candle so I can send some energy for you–your mojo’s been very good to me and it’s time to give back.

    “How can people live without looking for synchronicity? How can people have any hope at all when they attribute everything to coincidence instead of the hand of a higher power?”

    I think people who don’t look to an all-seeing Hand stirring the Universe put their hope in what they think of as luck, hoping that the random chance they think they see falls in their favor. MHO is that they’re missing a chance to give their own destinies a small nudge, but if they’re happy, who am I to turn up my nose?

  4. Michael said,

    Yeah, you were looking for Signs. Signs was this so-so movie starring Mel Gibson, who got drunk on the Pacific Coast Highway in Malibu. I was just crossing the PCH to go to the beach you visited. So what’s the conclusion? All signs lead to Mikey. 😉

  5. Julie said,

    And in a little more than a month, a bunch of us will be in Pittsburgh hanging out. For the time being, hang in there, Nanner.

  6. Vince said,

    You can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change. Beleive me I know this. And you do too. Saying prayers for Jeff is a good thing. Beyond that, I don’t think there’s anything else you can do.

    I think change is in the air for you. It’s time for you to do whatever is best for you and Nate right now. Just what is that? Hell if I know. But I bet you do. Just like deep down you knew it wasn’t going to work out with you and AZ, you KNOW what you need to do.

    Go do it. Before it’s too late.

  7. As Always... Rachael said,

    Money trouble is more easily fixed than the emotional consequences affectng you and Nate. Find strength where you can and get while the gettin’s good.

  8. brighton said,

    I look for signs in life too, seems like yours are all pointing in the right way : )
    Hugs and lotsa love to you girl.

  9. LisaBinDaCity said,

    I don’t believe in coincidence’s. I think things happen for a reason. Glad you are wise enough to see that!!

  10. Inanna said,

    Jamie, I don’t see how you handle it, but again, I feel almost sad that neither your mother nor Jeff care enough about themselves to do something about it.

    Jeanette, I’m all about that NFin’ stuff!

    Serra, good point, very good point. I don’t really turn my nose up though, I just don’t understand.

    Damn straight, Mikey!

    Thanks for that wonderful reminder, Julez!

    Vince, change must be in the air… it has to be.

    Thanks for that Rachael, I needed it.

    Brighton, I just think those signs are pointing south… south somewhere.

    Lisa, I do too.

  11. Tina said,

    Being that I am a recovering alcoholic (and not ashamed to admit to it, especially to strangers) I understand just how selfish and emotionally draining it can have on OTHER people. The thing is everyone but the alcoholic sees it. I can talk about it all day but I won’t. 😉 What Jeff and Jamie’s mom are doing to themselves is very damaging, and I hope they realize this before it’s too late.

    But you DO have to let them fuck up, or they will never learn. You can force them to detox, rehab, take away all their booze, beg, bitch, complain, but an alcoholic isn’t going to change unless THEY want to. Giving up the booze was the HARDEST thing I ever had to do, and recovery is far more difficult than I ever imagined. The funny thing is the “drinking” part was easy to give up, it’s all the self-realization and emotional issues associated with the drinking that is hard to deal with.

    Nanner has put up with many of my drunken rants since we were in Junior High, right girl? :-/

    I hope Jeff and Jaime’s mom do clean up their acts, or at least do it for their kids!

    Hey dude, Atlanta is the bomb! I love it there. Six Flags Over Georgia, World Of Coke, the Underground Mall……..great place!

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