I felt a recap of my weekend would not be complete without giving an update of the situation with AZ.
Well, remember when I wrote something to the affect that he’s contemplating marriage again and it being to someone else is not acceptable. I would like to rescind that, effective Friday at 5 p.m.
Life is not a movie. Big moments in time are actually rare. Drama does not play itself out in knockdown, drag out fights. Most of the time, it just wears away at you. And he wore me to the bone on Friday. In the big scheme of things, it was a blip on the radar screen. But, it was the straw that broke the camel’s back, and I was the camel.
Like I said, it wasn’t a dramatic moment, full of barbed words and hateful glances, but just the continuum of bullshit and misery that I can’t handle anymore. I did get my “wish” because my wish was to know, once and for all, whether or not he and I would ever be together as more than friends. That answer is no. It hurt at first and I spent a period of time bawling my eyes out at my computer. Then I fell asleep and the sun came up Saturday morning and I felt free, liberated, because I know I never have to wonder again. He’s not going to squat like a toad in my new relationships.
The next man I love, is going to have all of me. No more dark clouds following me around. I want to be with someone who has the ability to be happy and laugh. I want to be with someone who understands that life shits on you sometimes, but that doesn’t mean you start slinging it around.
Vince said something in an e-mail that made me think. Life can be miserable. Relationships are easier when life is grand but you had better pick the person that will stick with you through the misery.
My spirits are peaceful, not chattering, but standing back with knowing looks on their faces. No, they would never steer me wrong, and yes, sometimes they know what is best for me, even when I can’t see it. And check out this horoscope:
You’re about to be given the chance to embark on an extraordinary relationship. Be receptive to influences that shape your mind, body and soul, and make sure you can relinquish your need for control.
Sometimes we miss opportunities because of our prejudices against ourselves. We limit ourselves. I’m not limiting myself anymore.