My moon is in Virgo, which represents that emotionally, I’m analytical. It drives me nuts. When under stress, I analyze. I seek, I search, I ruminate. Sometimes, I’m so busy, I don’t have the opportunity to do that. I like it. Things flip through my brain with amazing speed and while I still analyze to a degree, I don’t ruminate like I used to. I like it. When I am busy, it forces me to switch gears from thinking to feeling. I like it. I like it a lot.
I have found a much greater peace from feeling instead of thinking. I feel more confident, more sure of myself, more sure of the decisions that I make. I don’t feel at war with myself. I am at peace.
Perhaps it is the greater confidence in myself which has been pushed forward by AZ. Not just professionally, but also in our friendship/relationship. After 46 text messages over a period of a month, most of them saying “good morning” or “good night,” which normally precipitated a phone call from one to the other, he said, “You know, you can call me. . .” Now, instead of text messaging him that I am awake, I call him at the station. Now, instead of text messaging me that he’s about to go to sleep, he calls me. After multitudes of voice messages, I don’t leave one anymore because I know he’ll see my number and call me. This is evidenced by the fact there were two messages from me in the 34 messages on his phone.
I was a bit surprised that he allowed me to listen to his voice messages. That just seemed like such a personal thing. From the voice messages, he made us each a list of people to call. I have several things at the shop that need to be accomplished and it feels good. I also know that he’s feeding me leads to follow up on so he has an excuse to pay me for them. He doesn’t know that I know that, he didn’t tell me that, but I know it serves a two-fold purpose – it frees up the time he would spend on it (most sales take a minimum of five follow ups) and it gives him an excuse to pay me commission.
More than anything, I know he trusts me. AZ can be exceptionally anal and controlling over his enterprise. He realizes what can happen, he has seen what can happen, when the wrong people have control over things. He’s once bitten, twice shy. Perhaps he also realizes that I’m a fish out of water and the world of sales is new to me, as is actually managing an office, although I have all the skills but none of the practical experience. And, I’m working double-time so instead of throwing a lot of shit on me at once, he’s easing me into it.
Perhaps it is that I’m ambitious. When he expressed doubt that we could handle the 15,000 piece job, plus the other smaller jobs, I told him, in no uncertain terms, those jobs would be done, done well, and done on time. Period.
So far, this has been the best thing to happen to us. We’re more relaxed with each other. When he got mad because one of our wholesalers had sent the wrong color shirts, he kicked in the filing cabinet. I heard about it later from the guys and when I talked to him that night, I said, “I heard you had a run in with one of the filing cabinets. Did it kick you, baby?” He answered ruefully, “Yeah, and I kicked it right back.”
Yes, he’s well known for his fits against inanimate objects and he’s also known to be curt and rude but only to those who let him get by with it. I, on the other hand, have absolutely no fear of him and have absolutely no tolerance for rude behavior directed at me.
He must know that too, because he treats me like the Goddess I am.
On the other hand, he’s still dating someone else (although it feels as though we’re the ones who are dating). He’s with her and her family at the beach right now. I can’t say that I’m thrilled, I can’t say that I’m totally jealous, I can’t say that I wish 100% that he hadn’t gone because I know how much he was looking forward to this time with his mom as well. That, I would not take away from him. It’s hard though. Especially when I ruminate, when I wonder what will happen when he comes home, when I think about what is and what might be.
It’s when I think that I doubt, when I doubt I get anxious, when I get anxious I lose confidence, when I lose confidence I lose momentum.
When I feel, I know, when I know, I relax, when I relax, I am my true self, when I’m my true self, I can accomplish anything.
I know it sounds cheesy but AZ really is the wind beneath my wings. He doesn’t tell me I can do things, he doesn’t tell me I can accomplish things, he believes I can and therefore I believe in myself. But, he’s been here. His voice has been on the phone, his eyes have looked at me, his hands have touched me, and right now, I feel a little lost. I just have to remember that he’s with me. The wind still blows and he still believes.
T-Bird and I have this thing where we say, “Miss me!” and the other responds, “Okay, miss me!” Out of habit, I did that to AZ Friday night. I said,”Miss me!” And he responded, “I will.”
My darling, if you only knew. If you only knew how much I already miss you…