January 23, 2006 at 10:28 am (Uncategorized)

Okay, Hoss brought up a good point in my comments on “Unrequited Response.” Basically stating that he trusted me and therefore was believing what I wrote. That takes us all back to we chose what we write and not always what we write may be the whole truth, if there is such a thing. I did write a huge back story to my relationship with Jeff. That can summed up by responding to Julie’s comment following, “Unrequited.”

Its something we’ve all probably said or thought at a time – There must have been something that drew you too him, so he couldn’t have been that bad. I’m not sure that gives him or me or both of us the benefit of the doubt. The truth is, there was something that drew me to him. He was an alcoholic and as a co-dependent, I was the moth, he was the flame.

Did Jeff truly have any redeeming qualities once I truly got to know him? No. Did I stay with him anyway? Yes. Why? Because I was as sick in the head as he is. That’s just the truth. I take that back. He did have a redeeming quality. He was a good policeman. I rode with the PD for 16 weeks, with a multitude of policeman, younger and older, male and female, and hands down, Jeff was just a better policeman. First, he actually worked. Second, he was very intuitive. He had that bad guy sixth sense that made he ask the right questions, pull the right people over, search the right areas etc. I don’t know how else to explain it.

So, yeah, he had a redeeming quality.

I don’t struggle as much with co-dependency as I used to, but that doesn’t mean that I’m “cured.” I have to remain vigilant and do inventory just like an alcoholic. Allowing myself to slip back into old habits is like an alcoholic saying, “Just one drink.”

Jeff has been calling me and calling me and calling me. He’s been calling me because his girlfriend dumped him so now he wants to know why we broke up, and flatter me with words which are as hollow as that dead tree in my yard and try like hell to show he’s this deep, philosophical thinker, and wonders why I’ve never married, and why I’m not happy.

What? Who the fuck said I’m not happy? Once again, having to explain, that unlike HIM, I’m perfectly happy being by MYSELF!! See, he wants me to believe that I’m unhappy and he wants me to believe that I really DO NEED someone in my life (him). News flash. No, I don’t. He can’t fathom that. He cannot fathom that I go for MONTHS without a partner. Hell, I’ve gone YEARS.

He cannot fathom that my life is really okay, without the benefit of a partner or marriage or a live-in. Sure, I’d like to have a different job, and sell more beadwork, and have something published I’ve written, but overall, I’m happy. I’m happy because I continue to move forward with my goals. Having a fulfilling relationship is icing, not the fucking cake.

And no, there’s no point in trying to tell him anything. Why? Because I’m not responsible for him or his feelings. You can’t change people, they have to want to change. Change comes from within. Demons must be wrestled, truths must be faced, fearless inventory must be undertaken, the Higher Power must be called upon. And I’m not responsible for making sure he gets there. I’m not even getting close to that slippery slope.

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