Unrequited Response

January 20, 2006 at 8:56 am (Uncategorized)

*NOTE* I wanted to ask for prayers for the two WV miners at the Mellville – Alma 1 mine. Can you imagine with Sago so fresh in our minds what those 21 miners (the two who are missing and the 19 who escaped) thought as the fire broke out? Let’s hope we have a better outcome and our miners come home safe.

********

From my letter to AZ dated January 19, 2006:

He’s really lucky, ya know? He asked for answers, I gave him answers. He dug around and stirred up shit that was better left alone. He dug up shit I had left in the past where it belonged. I don’t remember the good, I don’t dwell on the bad, it was what it was, it is what it is. As you and I discussed, I wouldn’t change it. Change one thing, you risk changing it all, not knowing whether the change would be for the better. It doesn’t mean I want to rehash it or remember it or even accept the crushing weight of someone else’s love on my shoulders.

When I searched the far reaches of what I refer to as “my heart,” which is not really the pulsing organ in the center of our chest that pumps blood, but something beyond physical, I found, just nothing. Nothing. Not love, not hate, not disappointment, just nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing.

*******
I lied.

I resent anyone who digs around in my pain. Making me remember it, making me relive it, serves no purpose TO ME at this point. I lived it. I dealt with it. I left it. Maybe he needed closure, maybe he needed answers, maybe he needed to say what he said, but it means nothing. Sometimes, you must go on without answers. I’m well aware of the situation we were in. I lived it too.

He still looks at it so very black and white. White in his corner. “What if you had everything you ever wanted right in the palm of your hand, would you leave Nate for it?”

That says it all right there. No, you dumb shit. But that’s black and white. Only someone with your mentality would believe you have to make such sacrifices in this day and age. Did your wife leaving 17 months after Nate was born take away your daughter? No, it didn’t. You chose to stay out of her life, just like you chose to stay out of Nate’s. See, its always been an option, A FUCKING OPTION, whether or not YOU want to stick around yet you turn it around and blame it on everything and everyone else.

I don’t care how much you whine and fucking cry asshole, you and your ex-wife separated no less than 15 times between the time we met and the time Nate was born. I KNOW, KNOW that you turned down opportunities to spend time with your daughter and then you whined about how she might be taken away from you. What the fuck ever.

Be careful where you stir your shit.

Be careful what you want to know.

It may be worth it to you.

It may not be worth to the person listening to the same bullshit they’ve heard before.

It may not be worth it to them to have to re-open old wounds.

It may not be worth it to them to feel compelled to tell you how much you hurt them. Not everyone delights in bringing up old hurts and suffocating other people with them.

Not everyone wants to go through that, just to hear, “I can’t change it,” and then the excuses that trip all over themselves. Well, that’s fucking obvious dickweed.

I didn’t ask for him to apologize to me for what happened. I’ve never held his feet to the fire and felt I was entitled to it. It happened. We both did and said things we shouldn’t have. I let him go. I let it go. He won’t. I’m tired of shit I did anywhere from 10 years ago to 10 days ago being thrown in my face. Rehashed and hashed and hashed and hashed. I’m so tired of it.

I don’t have to have these conversations anymore. That’s right. I don’t have to. Once it moved from Nate to our old relationship, I should have shut the door on it. It turns into the same shit every time. Next time, I’m shutting the door.

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