Beam Me Up Scotty

January 16, 2006 at 11:25 pm (Uncategorized)

I was reading this the other day since I really like astronomy and astrology:

Astronomers: Pluto colder than expected

Using the Submillimeter Array, or SMA, a network of radio telescopes located in Hawaii, astronomers found that Pluto’s average surface temperature was about 43 Kelvin (-382 degrees Fahrenheit) instead of the expected 53 Kelvin (-364 degrees Fahrenheit), which is what the temperature of Pluto’s largest moon, Charon, is.

Now, I don’t about ya’ll, but to me, it makes not one damn difference if Pluto is 43 K or 53 K… both mean absolute certain death the moment you step out of your little spacecraft. Let’s face it, Antarctica, at a mere -129 F has nothing on Pluto.

So, we just spent, approximately, counting the cost to rotate the radio telescopes, when no other planets or a rogue meteor were in the way, 20 scientists who look like they haven’t seen the light of day for 30 years, under heavy homeland security, and a pastrami on rye sammich, a million dollars to learn Pluto, at a mean distance of 3.67 BILLION MILES FROM THE SUN, A PLANET THAT TAKES 248 EARTH YEARS TO ORBIT, IS COLD. Damn people, next time, ask me, I’ll tell ya for free. Pluto, hell yeah, that bitch is cold! She’s so cold they should name her Hilary!

Now, in comparison, the Earth, our fair planet, just in case you’re an alien and didn’t realize where you’d stopped off, is one AU from the sun, that means we’re special. An AU is an Astronomical Unit which is the mean distance of the sun to the Earth, which is approximately 93 million miles. Now, IF it can be -129 F on the Earth and we’re close enough to get a sunburn, common sense should tell ya, anything a couple of AU BEYOND the Earth is going to start getting a little frigid. Except for that asshole Jupiter, who has some type of internal heating system, similar to dogs, small children, and Trashman, not to mention, noxious, poisonous gases, like dogs, small children, and, well, Trashman.

I admire those who seek knowledge. I admire astronauts and scientists for their dedication to getting us off of this planet should, you know, that big rogue meteor strike one day, and Ben Affleck is too busy making babies with Jennifer Garner, and Bruce Willis is lost in Idaho somewhere and can’t save us by drilling a hole in that big rogue meteor and putting an atom bomb in it and blowing it up and the pieces miraculously missing Earth and not disrupting the atmosphere and all that. But let’s face it, we ain’t goin’ to Pluto, hell, we’ll be lucky if we make it halfway off the mountain.

And I figure I could find a better use for those big radio telescopes than measuring the temperature on Pluto. Hell, if they’re that sophisticated they could at least find one old fucker in a turban named Osama bin Laden. Right?

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