Christmas PSA

November 21, 2005 at 12:32 am (Uncategorized)

Hola folks! This is my first gig over at the Nanner’s joint. For those that don’t know me, let me introduce myself. I’m Kristin, the sit in blogger for hire. I hang out over at Brighton’s and blog for her when she’s busy and Inanna asked me if I would sit in for her, I accepted without hesitation! Maybe I’ll post more about myself as the week goes on. Normally, when I guest blog I have a plan in place, this time, not so much. It’s going to be a fly by the seat of my pants kinda week.

This guest blogging thing is a mutually beneficial relationship. I get blogging out of my system a few times a year and I keep the blog warm and readers entertained and the blog owner gets to take a break now and again. It works out nice. If you need a hiatus, consider a guest coming in and taking over. Now, on with the show……..

Well my friends the time has come to do some shopping for your wife, girlfriend, fiance, significant other, women of your off spring, shack up or fuck buddy. Ahhhhh, tis the season. So, since I’m feeling holly and jolly and full of Christmas spirit, I thought I would post a little PSA to help Inanna’s male readers out with their holiday shopping.

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, one Craftsman shop vac and no partridge in a pear tree. Oh yes, I’ve been the victim of the Craftsman Christmas gift. We were married 2 weeks and I received a shop vac as my first Christmas gift. Now don’t get me wrong it’s useful but it says, “Bitch, I’m tired of vacuuming out your car, do it yourself.” So men, if it says Craftsman, Makita, Dremel, Stihl or Stanley anywhere on the item or packaging, pass it up. You’ll thank me later. I still remind the Husband of his Craftsman faux pas and it’s 11 years later. We don’t forget things like this.

Next rule, don’t buy her something from Howie’s House Of Whoopie. Well, unless she went with you and uttered the words, “Honey, I really, really, want a new dildo in my stocking for Christmas.” No exceptions people. We don’t want or need that harness above the bed. Leather does not say I love you, thank you for putting up with my shit this last year. More points are deducted if you pick up a DVD for yourself. Shame on you, you are buying for HER! Kinky is tricky, know your limits.

Now unless your chick is a high tech kinda gal pass up the techo crap. No TVs, no digital cameras, no IPod, computers, software or gadgets there of, no complicated whosey whatsits. Keep on moving, unless you intend on spending all Christmas day sitting on the couch, owner’s manual in hand, trying to explain the details of why this gadget is so cool, thus missing any and all football games. Don’t do that to yourself. Football is far more important.

Stuffed anything is wrong. We’re not 9. Do not shower us with stuffed animals or cute stuffed house slippers in the shape of Sponge Bob. The only exception to this rule is if the stuffed bear is holding a HUGE, honkin’ diamond no less than 2 carets in weight. Thus, we totally forget about the dumb bear and focus totally on the head light.

Slinky stuff. Ohhhhhhh, where do I begin? Listen we know you love Victoria’s Secret we watch you sleep with the catalog and we’ve witnessed you lick and hump their store window in the mall but honestly, slinky doesn’t do it for us. First, we buy it for YOU. We don’t buy it because it’s actually comfy or functional. There’s a reason we hang onto that hole laden t-shirt or flannel night gown that no long has arm pits. Two words, it’s comfortable. If you buy us slinky, we’ll feel obligated to wear it. We’ll slip our hail dented ass into your shimmery, slinky little number, feel totally humiliated and watch as you ogle us. We know you’ve mentally cut and pasted Heidi Klum’s face over ours so let’s just save us both the humiliation, ok? If you want to impress her buy her something from Karen Neuberger. She will love you and you just might get lucky.

My friend Denise routinely gets appliance for Christmas. She’s the rare exception. She like functional gifts. Most women, not so much. Last Christmas she got a microwave, the year before, a hot water heater, the year before that, a new dishwasher. This year she’s getting new brake shoes for her car. Let me reiterate, she is RARE. If you give your woman a hand mixer, be prepared to bend over so she can shove it up your ass and turn it on high. So please, for the love of GOD, proceed to plan B if you have an appliance, small, large, hand held or otherwise on your list of goodies. The only exception would be if your washing machine died and you are now having to go out to the creek out back and beat your underoos on a rock, OR she’s asked for one, showed you where to buy it and has written the model and price down on a piece of paper and stuck it in your wallet.

I asked for a Kitchen Aid stand mixer this year. Yes, he’s got the make, model, price and where to buy it tucked into his wallet. He asked me the other day, “So, if I get you this you won’t tell your girlfriends that you got an appliance and make fun of me for the next 11 years, right?” 10-4 good buddy, scouts honor. Mama needs a stand mixer.

Love is not expressed by anything upholstered, unless it’s from Pottery Barn and the make, model and price are again, tucked into your wallet. Yes, I’m eyeing a new sofa.

Here’s why clothes are a baaaaaad idea. Different designers have different sizes. She may be a size 6 in Liz Claiborne but a 16 in Ann Taylor. It’s a tricky situation and unless you want her to scream “You think I’m this size?!?!” on Christmas morning, thus shattering the holiday mood, I say keep on truckin’. You’re better off snooping in her closet and checking out her favorite labels then going to the appropriate store for a gift certificate. Trust me on this one, it’s a slippery road you don’t want to venture down. Unless you prefer sleeping on the couch, for the next six months OR answering that age old question, “Does this make me look fat?” for the next year.

Ok, unless she works at the local animal shelter and has a fondness for any and all pets, fluffy, slithery, scaly or otherwise, you might think twice about a pet gift. (By the way this applies to the kiddos too) First, she’s going to be the one that feeds, waters, walks and house trains the new critter. We hate gifts that are THAT much work. You want to avoid coming home from work a few days after Christmas to her standing over said pet screaming, “Where is your father? I’m not picking up any more dog poop!” Not that I speak from experience. *cough*

Screw giving the gift of health. A gym membership or a trip to the fat farm are a HUGE no no. “Here, honey, I got you a gym membership, now waddle your lard ass down there and get your money’s worth”. Careful, they have very hot, buff, ripped male trainers. She might just thank you with divorce papers one day after Steroid Steve whips her into shape.

You’ve read the no nos lets talk about what she would like. I mentioned Karen Neuberger. Her pjs are the best. Don’t question it, they just are.

Anything with the words, 100% cashmere, pashmina or silk are welcomed gifts too. You can’t go wrong with a nice scarf or gloves, well, unless you live in Hawaii. Fur is always good, if you’re a fur kinda family. If not there are so phenomenal knocks offs out there.

If she has a hobby, I highly suggest getting her something pertaining to that. She probably doesn’t have a lot of time to enjoy it so a hobby gift says, “Take some time for yourself and enjoy something you like for a change. I can feed myself at least one night without you.”

Likewise, a gift certificate to pamper herself at the local spa will win you huge bonus points. Just put out of your mind that some hunky Norwegian named Sven might be running his oily hands over your love’s naked body.

Let me also suggest season passes to your local play house or theatre. I love live theatre. Ok, quit groaning. C’mon it’s just like a movie but live and with a lot of singing. I’ve hinted for years that I would love to go see the Nutcracker. The Husband has yet to get the hint. I think he’s afraid he might like ballet and be forced to keep his secret from his tobacco chewing, deer hunting, beer guzzling buddies. I intend to be less subtle this year.

You might take a trip down to your travel agent and look at the specials on out of the way, exotic locals. Winter is a great time for cheap air and hotel deals. She needs to get away too sometimes, and when I say away, I don’t mean to the grocery store to pick you up another six pack and some Cheetos.

A nice watch or 14K gold ear rings are good choices. No guessing on the size and they are generic enough that you can’t screw it up. Think Tiffanys. No that’s not a strip club, it’s a beautiful jewelry store, if you don’t believe me, Google it. I would wet my pants if I had one of those beautiful blue boxes in my stocking.

Now before you say, “Geeze Kristin, you’re a picky bitch!” I say yes, yes I am. Here’s why. I spend a lot of time on my gift choices. I don’t buy the first thing that catches my eye, slap a bow on it and call it done. I like my gifts to say something about me, you and our relationship. I would like the same in return, I don’t think it’s too much to ask. Remember, your woman is buying for tons of people. You have one maybe two to shop for, don’t be a selfish bastard.

Remember this rule of thumb guys. If you pick it up and think this looks like something honey would like ask yourself, “Is this something that says thank you for washing, folding and putting way 364 days worth of underwear?” Stick with me men, I’ll never steer you wrong.

There ya have it folks, my PSA for my male readers. Go forth and shop without worry.

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