Overheard on the Internet

October 14, 2005 at 8:03 am (Uncategorized)

*Paraphrased*

Inanna: So, you have to fast to atone for your sins?

Makeminemike: Yeah.

Inanna: See, I would have to atone for not fasting. I would so be damned to hell.

Makeminemike: LOL!

Inanna: That’s why I’m a Wiccan. If we want to atone for anything we sacrifice a virgin and have a feast.

Makeminemike: :- O

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Home Front

October 12, 2005 at 8:18 pm (Uncategorized)

Things have become quiet on the home front, at least for now. I had been busy preparing for a guest, then I had to deal with Jeff, and Nate’s homework, and whether I’ll have enough money to heat my house this winter.

I’m blogging from my new laptop. Actually, this is a good way for me to see if I can save from the word processing program on one computer and transfer to the other. No, I didn’t suddenly grow money out of my ass, it was free from a great blogging friend whose company wrote them off. She was able to snag two and sent one to me. God love her heart and she knows who she is. I’m so excited to forgo my numbness-inducing chair and be able to sit in front of my 13 inch TV and watch cable, which I did have to pay for.

You remember, Jeff said I was neglecting Nate by not having cable. So, after three years of depravity and neglect, Nate and I will have something to watch while we can’t afford to pay the gas bill.

Here’s a little something I wrote about Jeff today…

Perhaps it is because even as he attacks me, he does so through Nate, who I will do anything to protect. Strike one against me. Whereas I am rational, whereas I have learned to leave the past behind, he categorizes experiences in color-coded folders, dog-eared, smudged memories contaminated by his bacteria as he licks and thumbs through his darkness.

Whether through hate or loathing or jealousy, he searches and seeks through those memories for the magic formula to bring me back under his control. I stand stoic and unmoving (or so I like to believe) with the exhausted fibers of my soul and self-esteem held together by spit and bailing wire, and I resist darkness.

Its not just Nate and myself that I worry about. Nate told me a while back that he knew where a certain radio station was because his dad had taken him up there. That is the station AZ works at. Hell hath no fury… There’s a story behind that.

As things wound down between Jeff and I in the Fall of ’97, AZ stepped in to assure my continued independence. He provided nothing but encouragement. He was engaged at the time and certainly didn’t promise me anything if I were to leave Jeff. Silently, he promised me at least some self respect back. Looking back, it was hearing of AZ’s engagement which opened the doors of communication between us again, and it was that communication that sealed the fate of an already dying relationship.

Certainly, I can admit my feelings for AZ went beyond friendship but I was also realistic. As Jeff attempted to worm his way back into my life in the summer of ’98, I finally had to drop the “I have feelings for someone else” bomb. Naturally, Jeff wouldn’t rest until he knew who it was. His response to my disclosure? Acquiescence. He said, “You should have been with him all along.”

Time has shown that AZ and I do not share his feelings on that subject. AZ and I resolved our issues, yet Jeff continues to harbor a great deal of resentment towards AZ for something that happened over 8 years ago and something that ultimately was Jeff’s fault. It wasn’t AZ’s fault that I dumped Jeff. It was the state of our relationship, it was the lies, the cheating, the hatefulness, and Jeff’s unwillingness to help support Nate and be a dad that brought our relationship to an end. It was my feelings for AZ that kept it that way. So, really, AZ had nothing to do with it, other than being a friend.

AZ told me a few years ago that he had met Jeff as Jeff would come to a bar that AZ bartended at. To date, Jeff hasn’t had the balls to confront AZ about me. I’m not sure if he ever will. I’m not sure if I want to be present to witness the carnage or remain blissfully ignorant until it is recounted second-hand.

For the record, AZ has just as nice feelings about Jeff. However, I know AZ’s not going to do something stupid, like get drunk and violent and go looking for a fight. Luckily, 90% of the things we worry about, never happen.

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*Bloop*

October 10, 2005 at 9:31 pm (Uncategorized)

That’s the sound haloscan makes when I try to comment on anyone’s blog with haloscan. *Bloop* I wondered if maybe I had ticked off Vince, or E-Lo, or Julie, or even myself, since I can’t even get to my own comments, but then realized I wouldn’t have blocked myself from my own comments… Ummmm… right?

*Thinking*

Is there such a magick button?

Did I carry home spooks from haunted Parkersburg this weekend?

Nahhhh *nervous laugh*

Right?

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Finally Gettin’ the Picture

October 7, 2005 at 9:05 am (Uncategorized)

Nate has been having good days and then he’s been having bad days. Bad, bad days. His dad doesn’t have any hair but if he did, he would have pulled it out anyway. This is nothing new for me. For Jeff, its a trial by fire.

Nate’s probably going through a growth spurt (G-d help us) and when that happens his Adderall becomes less effective. Adderall is a metabolic drug and is not dosed by weight. Problem is, since metabolism is difficult to gauge, its also difficult to gauge when the meds just need tweaking.
Some of it is that Nate needs to be more self-aware, which comes with maturity. He and I discussed his hyperfocus, which causes him to get “stuck” on particular assignments and then he can’t get the rest of his work done. I counseled him on how to move past that “stuck” point, which I understand is very difficult but it can be done.

Jeff doesn’t believe that Nate has anything other than a discipline problem. Or rather, he didn’t. The fact is, Nate’s teacher thinks the world of him. She said, “He’s brilliant, especially in math and I love having him in my class. He always has such a fresh perspective on things and I look forward to him participating in class. And he’s just such a sweet child. He really wants to do well, but he’s struggling.” I asked if there was any stubbornness noted, since he takes that after his dad. Absolutely not, she said, “I’ve been teaching for 30 years and I know defiance when I see it. He doesn’t have a defiant bone in his body. He really wants to well and he tries so hard. We’ll continue to work with him.”

After I talked to him about the hyperfocus and of course Jeff had his say, Nate had a SUPPAH DAY yesterday. And that’s wonderful, but today may go to hell in a handbag.

I guess Nate told his dad the same thing he told me, about getting stuck, and Jeff also counseled him on the consequences of getting stuck and that if he was aware of it, then he’s halfway to overcoming it. Jeff allowed Nate to watch TV yesterday evening before I got there. Jeff said, “Well, I figured if he did so well, then he deserved to be rewarded instead of me still coming down on him to finish his homework.”

*Blink* *Blink*

I think Jeff is finally learning how to be a parent. I know it may not appear as such, but he’s got a huge soft spot for Nate. Jeff, at times, didn’t take the opportunity and at times was not given the opportunity to parent his other children. He sees so much potential in Nate and he wants Nate to have the opportunities that he didn’t have, like college. But, his ideas of how to get Nate there were … not effective. I explained this to Nate, about his daddy caring enough to want to provide things that he couldn’t have and that’s why he was so concerned about him.

I know Nate’s teacher laid it on thick to Jeff about Nate, especially the part about him not being defiant and I saw the mental shift in Jeff to understand Nate better instead of just believing he’s not trying and needs a heavier hand. The next nine years are gonna be… interesting.

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Overhead in WV

October 6, 2005 at 8:00 am (Uncategorized)

Guy: I guess I should stop drinkin’ all that beer too, huh? (Sarcastic)

Girl: Yeah, I cut my beer consumption down. You can drink beer…

Guy: Oh, yeah but I should drink responsibly.

Girl: Yeah, I cut back on my beer and just upped my liquor consumption.

Guy: I think I need to roll my pants up cause the shit is gettin’ deep.

*****

Did ya’ll hear Katie Holmes is preggo? GAH! COUGH! SNORT!

Where’s my inhaler?

*****

I attened a training session yesterday for electronic filing for the Federal Courts. It was a good presentation, I should have just drank a bunch of coffee before I got there. I ended up doodling peeps profiles. One lady had a rather large bulbous nose with a recessed chin. One of our instructors had a long, narrow nose, very Grecian (or godly). Think of Hera from Disney’s “Hercules.” Dead ringer. Another lady looked like she either drew her eyebrows on too high and arched or had a tight eyelift. She reminded me of Voldemort.

*****

I’ve been re-reading “Rocket Boys” aka “October Sky” by WV boy, Homer Hickam. You should read this book. I can’t begin to explain what an accomplishment it was for him and his friends to build and fly rockets in the late 1950’s in rural, deep southern WV. Its very inspiring.

*****

Speaking of inspiration… make a pot of coffee, let the animals out, lock the kids up, and get ready for NaNoWriMo. That’s National Novel Writing Month which is in November. I think you should all participate. I am. Again. Didn’t get very far last year but I’m gearing up for this year. Woot! What are you guys gonna write about?

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Sittin’ Up With the Dead

October 5, 2005 at 7:07 am (Uncategorized)

*Since they pulled my gas meter last night and installed a new one, I have been unable to get my hot water tank re-lit. I’m hatin’ life about now as I wait to clear the gas to try again!*

Ever sat up with the dead? Yeah, me neither, however, its still a practice here in the Mountain State. One man even put it in his will that they were to sit up with him all night and feel the spirit or something. They did and of course the tiny church where he was laid out was full of people all night, singing and praying and gossiping. The Appalachian dating service.

I remember my Ma-Ma talking about it but I’ve never personally participated in an all nighter with the dearly departed.

Speaking of sitting up… got a call from my buddy AZ last night, which is pretty unusual. I normally have some warning that he might call to shoot the shit and complain but he further unusualized the evening by asking if I had any “porch time” available. I have a nice porch that overlooks the front yard and the train tracks. Its an acquired view. Since the nights have been fairly nipply, there aren’t any mosquitos out and it was just us and the crickets.

Its sort of become a tradition for us to sit on the steps of my porch when there’s serious talking to be done. AZ is a very ambitious individual and suddenly someone was standing in the way of his ambition. He’s honorable too but with a low threshold for any type of stupidity and excuses. Hence, he’s having to make a tough decision regarding one of his businesses and I know it had him down. There are many who would say he’s totally heartless and he can come across as such, but he’s really not. He would just prefer peeps get their shit together and when they don’t, he wishes he didn’t have to be the one to set them straight or send them packing.

Now I’m sitting here wondering, hoping I can get my tank lit. It is practically brand new and has an electrical ignition! What’s the freakin’ problem??? Argh! I don’t do cold showers.

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There Are Two Sides to Every Coin… We’re All Coins

October 1, 2005 at 12:55 pm (Uncategorized)

** UPDATE** Check this out… my mother was actually right… we creative types are definitely different… Bet ya’ll wish I hadn’t found LiveScience now…

I can’t find the disc with my poems on it, so you’re stuck with just me today.

I was chattin’ with my buddy Beanie last night and got a great idea for the title for a novel or novella… Good Girls Always Do. Do what? Heh, that’s what the writing is all about.

I have written some fairly odd and horrible things about people who are horrible and odd, especially as an early writer and inspired by Stephen (King) and Dean (Koontz).

Let’s face it, the bizarre, the macabre, it intrigues us. As much as we hate serial killers and rapists, we’re fascinated by their deviance. It may sicken us. We may shrink and grimace from descriptions of the chaos left behind, like a good book by Patricia (Cornwell). That’s horror. No sane mind can conjure what a real deviant mind lives.

Yet, within each of us lives a deviant mind. We belong to the light, we belong to the darkness, so sayeth Pat (Benatar). We live in light, and dream in darkness.

As a writer, contemplating a character capable of dismissing human emotion and barreling ahead with their own twisted needs and wants, not held in check by the desires of others, striding ahead, nonchalant, never listening or perhaps never hearing the voices screaming to stop, an owner of a lonely heart (so sayeth Yes), an empty heart, an impulsive wreck who lacks the capability to even recognize their impulsiveness and the reactions to their actions …

A character who is so sure and confident because they lack the emotion to be insecure. A character who only feels and desires, who has no hate only cunning. A character who stalks and manipulates, feeding the needs of others only to get what she wants, leaving a trail of empty hearts like candy wrappers and dolls with broken heads behind her, skirting the edges of sanity and never quite tipping over …

As a writer … you must wonder, how much is autobiographical?

Where does redemption live?

You’ll have to read the book.

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